


Leap of Faith

by simplymoa



Series: Adam and Gus Saga [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:23:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 153,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4851020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplymoa/pseuds/simplymoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A moment of recklessness lands Adam in a situation he can't get out of alone. He finds a reluctant ally in a young man who wants his anonymity back even more than Adam does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_It feels like the dawn of the dead_  
Like bombs going off in my head  
Never a moment of rest

 

 

By the time they arrived in Toronto, Adam was ready to kill somebody.

It was 5 hours from Royal Oak to the next city. Although it was not an abnormally long time when they were used to traveling days together on the same bus, however before the Royal Oak show, they had a 2 day-in-a row series of concerts and had been plagued by a series of mishaps and mistakes. Already snappish by the time they boarded the bus to leave, too wound up to sleep, they got on each other's nerves all two hundred miles to Toronto.

Adam, being the most perfectionist and intense of them all was the worst. He had been progressively moody since the beginning of the tour. While he always maintained a professional face to the fans, behind the scenes, he was distracted and subdued. He began having trouble remembering some of the set cues, and, for the first time in his life, began to experience serious bouts of stage fright.

He blanked out in the middle of the performance in Royal Oak. Monte had tried to cover for him, but it was nearly half a chorus before Adam realized he was also _more_ than half a chorus behind in the dance routine, and he was on the wrong side of the stage. As Brooke danced past, she shoved Adam, rather _hard_ , to make him pay attention. It came off as good-natured playful act on stage, but everybody else was at the limits of their patience.

David Ellison, the tour manager, had no luck in trying to settle Adam down. The two of them banged heads over everything from the catering to the sound checks, until David grudgingly backed off, afraid that Adam would become too agitated to perform at all.

Privately, the rest of the band was beginning to wonder if this was going to be their first and last tour with Adam.

On the trip to Toronto, Monte tried to talk to him. Adam listened in silence, knowing his older friend was right; he was tired, he was frustrated, he was still feeling down over the upheaval in his personal life.

But the reminder made him a little touchy.

"You been dumped lately, Monte?" he snapped.

"Oh, come on," Monte said, reasonably. "You told me yourself that you were pretty sure the two of you were at the end of the road."

"I also told you that I wanted to give it one more try." In irritation, Adam reached up and yanked down the window blind, blocking out the headlights from the other traffic on the highway. "Which I would have done, if it hadn't been for this tour."

"Give it a rest. You didn't have the heart for it. I was amazed that you hadn't broken it off long before that. Why don't you just admit that your ego got bruised because he broke it off first?"

From where he was slouched in his seat across the aisle, Tommy looked sideways at Isaac and Camilla, and winced.

"After being together for two years," Adam said. "Don't you think I have the right to feel a little down about it?"

"A little down about it, sure.  I just don't think you need to spend the whole of your very first tour, making the rest us pay for it."

"OK, Monte," Isaac said warningly.  "That's enough."

Catching the back of the seat ahead of him, Monte pulled himself to his feet and made his way up front, pausing only to comment as he passed Isaac's side.  "Fine.  Next time he goes into the Twilight Zone in the middle of a routine, can somebody at least point him in the right direction?  We're not playing bumper cars out there... the whole idea is for him and his dancers to dance around each other."

When the bus finally pulled in to Toronto,  Adam stormed off into the hotel ahead of the others.  Despite their late arrival, there was a delay in getting up to their rooms and by the time they finally did, it was nearly midnight. David Ellison risked calling everybody together for a brief meeting and told them all, bluntly, to lighten up and stop quarreling.  

"You've got another show tomorrow night, but there is nothing at all booked during the day, so for God's sake, Adam, get some rest and try and RELAX a little."

"How about a dress rehearsal?" Monte said sarcastically.  "I think we could use a little practice."

"Jesus, Monte," said Camilla,  "Will you _shut up_?"

Without a word, Adam got up off his chair and walked out.  Tommy stood up to go after him, but David waved him off.  "Leave him alone for now.  If you want to talk to him, wait until morning.  Maybe he'll be in a better mood after he's had some sleep."

Tommy looked from one to the other.  "He'd better be, or we are going to start to have some real problems."

Trailed to his room by Jeremy, one of the security guards, Adam threw his jacket on the bed and flicked on the T.V. while Jeremy checked that the balcony door and the doors to the adjoining room were locked.  

"I don't think you need to bother," Adam said wearily.  "I can't imagine anybody in their right mind coming anywhere near me tonight unless it was absolutely necessary."

Casting him a sympathetic glance, Jeremy asked if there was anything else he wanted.

"No, thanks.  You might as well go to bed.  I think I'm going to do the same."

But after Jeremy let himself out, and Adam had shut off the lights, he wandered over to the window and looked out over the skyline. He liked this city.  He had always dreamed about traveling to this city someday, but now, he felt he wanted to be anywhere but where he was at that moment.

He was reaching for the phone to order some room service, when he noticed the city guide open on the desk beside it.  The advertisement at the top caught his eye and he furrowed his brow, trying to remember where he had seen it before.

It had been a couple of months ago, during his _For Your Entertainment_ promotion tour. Taking advantage of the fact that he could still go out without causing a stampede, he and some friends had gone cruising the city late one night after his last TV appearance in search of a place to do some shopping and maybe eat.  

The little Italian market was open 24 hours. Drawn in off the street by the incredible aroma of bread and food, they had spent nearly half an hour picking their way up one aisle and down the other.  

Stupid to think of that now. But from what he could remember, there hadn't been any backbiting or arguing or bad feelings _then_.  

Something had gone terribly wrong since then. The discouraging part was that he had to admit that he was probably the cause of most of it.  There were about 100 more shows to go on this tour and he, exhausted and depressed, wasn't even sure he had the energy to face up to the show in this city.

He stared at the advertisement in the city guide again.  It was nice to think that some things didn't change.  There was even a little map beside it, and as he tilted his head to see it better, it suddenly occurred to him that it really wasn't that far away from the hotel.

He was getting used to sneaking out of hotels trying to avoid the fans, not trying to avoid everybody.  But because he had sent Jeremy to bed, there was no security guard on the floor; there would have just been one at the door to the private elevator in the lobby and one watching the stairwell.  But the stairwell would probably be the best bet.

When he reached the second level, he hesitated, caught sight of the sign pointing to the public parking garage and impulsively changed directions.  In fact, the garage was nearly empty, though it took him a long ten minutes of bewildering turns before he suddenly found himself outside.   

At least he'd come out on the right side of the building.  Even at this late hour, there were undoubtedly a group of fans staked out by the main entrance on the other side.  He fished in his jacket pocket for the little street map that he'd torn out of the city guide.  It was rare that the hotel and the venue were in the same complex, but this one had the virtue of being so centrally located that it wasn't difficult to get his bearings. (The big freakin' tower on the edge of the lake didn't hurt either).

The lake was south, so he wanted to go...north. He ran up the stairs and circled the building until he came out at one of the main intersections.  The handful of people wandering the sidewalks paid him little or no attention at this late hour, but to be safe, he kept to the quieter side of the street with the collar of his jacket up and his head down, trying not to walk into anything.

It was stupid and reckless...which pretty much summed up his mood overall, he thought wryly.  If David found out, there would be hell to pay.  If he got recognized by any more than a handful of people he'd be lucky if he managed to get back to the hotel in one piece. But if he was careful, and if he got lucky, there seemed no reason why he couldn't have an hour to himself to at least get some fresh air and work off some of his frustration.

****

  
If he hadn't been absolutely starving, Gus would have gone straight home.

He had gone back to the office after everyone else had left, finding it easier to concentrate and get work done when the place was quiet.  The Youth Task Force was a dedicated group, but they had a tendency to get a little rowdy.  He was growing tired of playing of playing den-leader to a group of teens and young adults who were only six or seven years younger than he.  There were only a few weeks left on his contract, and despite the obvious vacuum it was going to create in his life, he had to admit that he was anxious for the break.

What bothered him most was the repeated request from his supervisors on the Police Services Board, asking that he consider redoing the Take Back the Streets campaign.  Of course, not its original format, they agreed delicately; there would have to be some obvious changes.  Nor would it be as widely promoted as the original, since there was no funding for television promos this time and only half the original billboard budget. But his appearance would raise the profile of the Task Force and go a long way towards validating its existence.

He declined, politely, each time they asked, but their persistence was starting to get on his nerves.   

Police work had been much less complicated than being politically correct.

On the way to the subway, he turned off onto a side street, intent on grabbing himself something to snack on for the train ride.  He frequently stopped off at the little market on his way home, and it was a source of everlasting annoyance to him that the Conti's insisted on plastering the front windows with posters and advertisements.  He repeatedly warned Marco that it was not safe to have the view through the windows blocked with anything, especially when they were open 24 hours a day.   

"It pays to advertise," Marco said to him in his halting English, and Gus could only shake his head at him.  

Tonight, he was even more dismayed to find Marco's mother alone behind the counter.  Barely even able to see over the cash register, the petite lady spoke only Italian, and had absolutely no right trying to run a store by herself, let alone in the middle of the city in the middle of the night.

Hands on his hips, Gus demanded to know where Marco was. His grasp of Italian was somewhat sketchy, and he missed most of the long explanation that followed, but there was no mistaking the word "casino".

"You wait 'til I get my hands on him," Gus muttered to himself.  "He'll be so sore he won't be able to play blackjack for a month."

Mrs. Conti nodded cheerfully.  With a sigh, Gus walked through to the back to the bakery aisle.  This definitely called for Danish pastry.  Maybe a whole box.

Adam had had much the same idea, but sidled around out of the way to allow a smaller man with dark blond hair past him.  He was laden down with a briefcase and a messenger bag, which he eventually dropped at his feet as he prowled along the selections on the shelves.   Deciding to wait until he was gone, Adam hung back at the end of the aisle, and then swore to himself when the bell on the door clanged again, signaling another person entering the store. Why on earth did so many people shop in the middle of the night?

Gus was so intent on trying to choose between cherry and apple that it was several seconds before he became aware that the two young men who had entered were engaged in a loud argument. He glanced up in the security mirror and froze.  Not only were the two men big and arguing aggressively, but they were already starting to push each other around.  

And they were both wearing colors.

The fact that they were wearing the same colors wasn't a great deal of comfort.  Inter-gang quarrels were just as volatile as fights between gangs themselves.  In this case, there was evidently some disagreement over exactly who was dating whose sister, and apparently not treating her very well.

"I'm telling you straight, Ray," the shorter of the two men insisted.  "I didn't know who she was.  You think I don't know better than to diss your sister?"

"I don't see that makes much difference," the other man replied.  "What you said about her, man, it ain't right. You get friendly with her; it don't work out; no problem.  But you don't go saying those things about her, Lee. You don't go spreading lies about her like that."

Gus leaned his forehead on the edge of the shelf and closed his eyes.  Of all things to walk into.   Had Marco been working, he would have had the sense to push the emergency button behind the counter to activate the silent alarm.  Not only was Mrs. Conti at the wrong end of the counter to reach it, she probably didn't even know where it was.  

He stayed put, hoping that one of the men would follow the other outside.  But as the argument escalated, it became clear that nobody was going anywhere.  In the mirror, Gus could see Mrs. Conti wringing her hands in agitation and decided that perhaps it was time to intervene.  Reluctantly, he stepped out from the end of the aisle, but was brought up short by the unmistakable sound of a gun being cocked.

Automatically, Gus went into reverse, backed away until he was again hidden behind the shelves, then dropped to a crouch and peered cautiously around the end of the aisle.  It was impossible to see clearly, but there was no doubt that the larger of the two men had come to the end of his patience and was upping the ante by waving an ancient-looking revolver.

"Shit," he muttered.  There was a volley of terrified Italian from Mrs. Conti.  Ray flicked the barrel of the gun in her direction and the older women shot backwards into the corner and crouched, crossing herself frantically.

Gus's cell phone was in the briefcase he had dropped at the other end of the aisle.  He straightened up and whirled around without looking and went straight into the arms of the man who had come up behind him.

He had forgotten there was another shopper in the market. Adam was only trying to see what was going on, and was nearly knocked off his feet when Gus barreled into him.  Without hesitating, Gus strong-armed him around in a circle and was trying to push him along towards the farthest end of the aisle when there was another shriek from Mrs. Conti.

In a rage, Ray had grabbed hold of the hapless Lee and was dragging him up one aisle and down the other, systematically sweeping products off the shelves with the revolver and kicking out display units.  Gus caught sight of his head as Ray stormed down the aisle next to him.  Towing his companion by the arm, he backtracked as far as he could while keeping the shelves between him and Ray. At the end of the aisle, he glanced left and right. The front door was to the left, but there was no possible way to cover the distance across the length of the store without being seen.  He made a furious shushing motion in Mrs. Conti's direction and then went right, yanking Adam with him through the gap in the counter and into the tiny storage closet at the back.

Fortunately, Ray was making so much racket that he didn't hear the sound of two people crashing awkwardly into the cupboard and pulling the door shut.  He finished his frenzied tour of the market, dragged Lee back into the centre of the store and shoved him down on to his knees.

"You see?" he said conversationally.  "I told you there was no one else here."

Lee had apparently been trying to use the presence of witnesses as a good reason for Ray to let him go. Satisfied that only Mrs. Conti remained, Ray waved the gun in her direction again, and told her to stay put.

There was a dim overhead light on in the tiny storage closet, but Gus was jammed in with his back to his tall companion and could not turn around to see his face. Reaching back up over one shoulder, he hooked his hand behind Adam's head, pulled it down so he could whisper in his ear and hissed, "For God's sake, stand still and be quiet."

"What the hell do we do now?" he whispered back. Gus registered a moment's surprise; it was not a local accent.  

"Do you have a cell phone on you?" Gus said hopefully, and felt the negative shake of the guy's head. He was rattled. Gus could feel him trembling all down the length of him.

"Don't panic," he muttered. "I'm with the police. Just take it easy while I try and see what's going on."   

He edged the door open as far as he dared, and leaned to the right to press his eye to the crack, while trying to keep his balance.  He felt hands steadying him by the waist and nodded to his companion gratefully and he straightened up.

"I can't see much," he whispered.  "But it looks like we're going to have to lay low here for awhile and hope that they just take it outside."  
   
He dropped his head back alongside Gus' ear. "What if someone else comes in?"

Ray had apparently considering the same possibility.   There was the sound of a dead bolt being shot and blinds being dropped.   Peering out, Gus could see that he had turned the "closed" sign in the front window and dimmed the lights.  

"So we don't get interrupted," he said to Lee.    

"Shit," said Gus, again.

The argument between the two men resumed, although Lee's approach had become considerably more plaintive.  Gus took advantage of the raised voices to struggle around until he was face to face with his companion, or at least, face to collarbone, as the man was several inches taller than he.

He glanced up and there was a jolt of puzzled recognition, followed by a sense of something being weirdly out of context. Then it dawned on him.  He had let the Peer group put posters all over the Task Force van that morning as part of a radio station contest.   

"Aren't you...?" he said.

"Yes," his companion said through gritted teeth.  

"Who's here with you?" he said impatiently.  

"Nobody's here with me," the taller man said, just as impatiently.  "I'm alone."

"Don't play stupid," Gus snapped.  "Where did your bodyguard go?"

"I'm not playing anything," he retorted.  "I walked here from the hotel... by myself."

For a moment, Gus just gaped at him. It crossed his mind that his companion would have been quite pleasant to stare at, if he hadn't been so dumbfounded.  Adam glared back at him.

"You're not very bright, are you?" Gus said, finally.

Without waiting for an answer, he twisted around again, elbowing the guy in the ribs in the process, and pressed his face against the crack of the door.   

"You and I are stuck here," he muttered. "Unless they decide to leave on their own, or I can get out there and get that gun off him."

He jumped at the sound of a voice right by his ear. "And you call me stupid?  How do you plan to manage that?"

"Relax.  I used to be an undercover cop.  Which I suppose comes in handy for you, Kris," he added over his shoulder. "Since you didn't bother to bring any security of your own."

"I'm Adam."

"Sorry." Had it been any other set of circumstances, he might have been embarrassed.  As it was, a lack of knowledge in the pop music department just didn't seem to be of vital importance at the moment.   

His hoodie was caught between his back and Adam's chest. He jerked it free, accidentally striking Adam in the face.  "Back off a little, will you?"

"There's not a lot of room in here," he hissed.  "In case you hadn't noticed."

He'd noticed.  Adam was still shaking violently, and it suddenly occurred to him that whatever Adam was doing, he'd obviously done it alone, and had now gotten himself into the worst situation imaginable.  Taking some pity on him, Gus reached back and grasped Adam by the hand, squeezing it quickly.  "Just do as I tell you," he said softly.  "And with luck, no one will ever have to know you're here."He twisted his head around, trying to see Adam's face.  "I'm assuming that no one knows where you are... am I right?"

Adam nodded.  Gus rolled his eyes at him, but held his tongue.  It didn't matter much.  Adam was here and Gus was stuck with him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of recklessness lands Adam in a situation he can't get out of alone. He finds a reluctant ally in a young man who wants his anonymity back even more than Adam does.

There was no doubt that Ray had been bar-hopping before he went on his little rampage. The fact that he was drunk was more worrying to Gus than the nature of the argument himself, since he was swinging the gun around a little too freely. That indicated a couple of disturbing possibilities. Either Ray would lose his temper completely and start shooting, or Lee would get the bright idea to try and wrestle the gun off him. 

There was no sign of Ray letting up, or of Lee being able to talk his way out of it. Ray was weaving back and forth, alternately mumbling to himself and raging wildly. At one point he wandered a little too close to where Gus and Adam were hiding, and Gus gently pulled the door all the way closed and prayed that Ray wasn't going to get curious about what was behind the back counter. He could feel Adam behind him, holding his breath. 

Things unexpectedly went quiet. Daring to peek out again, Gus could see that, Ray had hitched himself up to sit on the counter, not fifteen feet from the closet, just on the other side of the gap in the counter. 

"You know," he said, suddenly to Lee. "You don't know what it's been like for her, man."

What followed was a rambling discourse on Ray's family history. From Adam's point of view, this seemed to be a little safer than Ray's rampage around the store, but Gus was more pessimistic. In his experience, this drunken state...or worse, if he was on something else as well... was more likely to get more serious as time went by, especially if he turned despondent. 

Then he got lucky. Ray suddenly became aware of the display of snacks on the counter, and reaching across, helped himself to a container of popcorn and struggled one-handed to get it open.

"Go on, go on," Gus muttered. "Put the gun down."

He did in fact, have to un-cock it, and set it on the counter to wrestle with his food, but unfortunately on his right side, which was the farthest away from Gus. Still, it was an opportunity Gus wasn't likely to get again; it was best to seize the chance the act while Ray was distracted and hungry, especially before Lee had the same idea.

He tugged on Adam's arm and when he dropped his head, Gus put his mouth to his ear. "This is where I need you to do exactly what I tell you."

"You're not going out there, are you?" Adam whispered in disbelief.

"Would you like to stay here until he gets wound up again? Yes, I'm going out there. I'm going to ease open the door and crawl out along the backside of the counter until I can come up behind him."

"He'll see you."

"No he won't...not if I stay right against the bottom shelves."

"What about the gap in the counter?"

That was a point. It would mean crawling past the opening that was in clear view of the huddling Lee. If Lee gave him away, or even reacted to the sight of him, Ray was liable to move before Gus could even get close to him and they would be in a worse state than before. 

"I'll think of something," he said. "Help me out of my hoodie."

Adam held the garment for Gus while he struggled to slide his arms out. Once free, he carefully turned himself around one more time so he could look Adam directly in the face.

"Now look," he said, in a low voice. "I need to you promise me that whatever I do, or whatever it looks like might go wrong...you have GOT to stay put. Even if I get into trouble, don't even think of doing anything stupid. The only chance I've got is if he doesn't know you're here. If you come out after me, you're only going to give me more to deal with. Understand?"

Adam didn't look inclined to agree, and Gus yanked sharply on his arm until he nodded. With a half smile, he pointed at himself and then at the door. 

"When I tell you to, I want you to start opening the door, slowly. Don't make any sudden moves with it and I just hope to God it doesn't squeak. All I want is enough room to crawl out. Once I'm out...close it. I'm not kidding...close it all the way. If anyone spots me on the way out, I'm going to kick it shut behind me, so you stay back and keep quiet. Until you hear from me, you stay in here. I don't care if the walls fall down. Got it?"

Gus didn't wait for an answer this time, but eased himself back around to the side and, catching hold of Adam's hands for balance, slid down to his knees. Cracking the door again, he strained his ears to hear the conversation.

"I don't see that we're going to come to an understanding," Ray was saying flatly, in between handfuls of popcorn. "If I let you go on this, you think anyone's going to pay me attention from now on? Do you think anyone will deal with me if I don't protect my name?"

"Shit, man," said Lee. "I don't think me dissing your sister is going to make no difference."

It was the wrong thing to say. Ray hurled the remainder of the container of popcorn at him. 

"You DON'T think? You DON'T think?"

Gus nudged Adam hard. Leaning over him, Adam tried to ease the door open as quietly as he could. It wasn't noiseless, but it was quiet enough, and taking advantage of his slim frame, Gus was able to slide out the narrow gap. He crabwalked backwards until he came up against the underside of the counter, and looking up, gestured furiously for Adam to shut the door. 

He pulled it most of the way, but Gus could still see Adam anxiously watching him through the crack. Short of giving himself away, there was nothing he could do about it, so he turned himself over until he was on his hands and knees and began crawling silently along the back of the counter. 

When he reached the gap, he took a huge chance and a deep breath and just kept on going. Out of the corner of his eye, he was relieved to see that Lee had his head down and his eyes closed, mostly because Ray continued to fling things at him from the countertop. 

Mrs. Conti, on the other hand, saw everything. She stood up unexpectedly from where she was cowered in the far corner, and said something excitedly in Italian, drawing everyone's attention to her. 

Cursing, Gus bent one knee up underneath him and lunged forward and up. As he passed behind Ray, he grabbed the gun off the counter with his right hand and shoved Ray off the counter as hard as he could with his left.

By the time Ray had stumbled to his feet and turned around, he was staring down the barrel of his own revolver. 

"Jesus," said Lee. "Where the hell did you come from?"

Ray took one step toward him. Unhesitatingly, Gus cocked the gun. "Silenzio!" he snapped at Mrs. Conti, who was sobbing loudly. To Ray, he motioned at Lee and said, "See how your buddy's on his knees there? Do likewise."

Ray got down, but not without some hesitation. In fact, they were both staring at him in confusion; as if it wasn't enough that he had popped up out of nowhere.

"Don't I know you?" said Ray. 

"Can you read a billboard?" Gus said sarcastically. "Then yes, I suppose you know me. And since you do, I suggest that neither of you go getting any bright ideas. You do know that I'll use this if I have to."

Mrs. Conti sidled out from behind the counter, with her palms still pressed to her streaming cheeks. "Policia?" she said, hopefully, reaching for the phone. 

Gus stopped her with a quick shake of his head. "No! Un momento, per favore." To the men on the floor, he motioned with the gun. "Both of you, face down please. Put your hands behind your backs."

As they slid slowly down onto their stomachs, Gus came out from behind the counter, circled carefully around them until he stood behind Ray, and placed one foot on his clasped hands. 

"All right," he called towards the back. "You can come out now."

Adam cautiously slid out, holding onto the counter to steady himself. As he appeared, Gus got his first good look at him and would have been impressed if Adam hadn't been bone-white and shaking like a leaf. 

"Come here," he said. "I need your help."

Rather reluctantly, Adam edged closer. Gus pointed towards the display of fruit on the other side of the store. "See that plastic bag dispenser? Tear me off about eight of them."

"For what?" Adam said, dazedly. "You want to stock up on some grapefruit?"

"Just do it," Gus snapped, and when Adam came back to him trailing handfuls of them, he said, "Now take two at a time and put them together length-wise and twist them into a loop."

Bemusedly, Adam did as he was told. 

"Now," Gus said, nodding at Lee. "Start with him. Tie his hands behind his back." 

"You're hurting me," Ray grumbled.

Gus glanced down at him. "It's probably the boot in the middle of your back," he said, pleasantly. "Try lying still," he added, and edged over to give Adam room.

Once both men were securely tied, Gus flicked the safety on the gun and gingerly unloaded it. "For Pete's sake, did you buy this from Army Surplus or something? It looks like it hasn't been cleaned since Korea. You're lucky you didn't blow your own head off with it.

"Get me one more bag," he said to Adam and at his blank response, he added, "For the gun, you twit. Open it up so I can slide it in...no, for God's sake, don't touch it. It's bad enough that my fingerprints are on it."

He tied the bag shut and set it on the counter. Adam sat down rather suddenly on a milk carton.

Gus crouched down in front of him, green eyes studying Adam's pale face. "You're OK," he said, gently. "You're a damn idiot, if you don't mind me saying so, but at least you're a lucky idiot. Do you have any idea how bad this could have been?"

"A few things did cross my mind," Adam said weakly, and put his head in his hands.

Gus debated with himself for a moment and when he stood up, he touched Adam lightly on the head and said, "All right. Now we call the police."

"I thought you said you were the police," Adam muttered.

"No, I said I was with the police. There's a difference." Gus took the phone receiver from Mrs. Conti who was already starting to dial. "No, not 911. I think it's time for me to call in a few favors."

It took him a few seconds to remember the number. 

"Dispatch, please," Gus said when the call was picked up. Despite the fact that he couldn't seem to stop trembling and was suddenly feeling extremely cold, Adam lifted his head to listen.

"Is this...oh, hi Diana. This is Gus Harrison. Well, I'm.... Yes, you could say I am, as a matter of fact. Is there any other reason I'd be calling in the middle of the night? No, it's not exactly an emergency, but I do need a little bit of help. Do you mind telling me who's got patrol downtown tonight?"

He furrowed his brow while some names were relayed to him, then his face lit up. "Yeah, he'll do. Is he on a call? Do me a huge favor then, will you? Patch me through to him? Yes, I'm sure the boss would fire your ass if he found out about it, but he won't find out from me."

He grinned encouragingly at Adam while he was on hold.

"Charlie..." he said warmly, when he was reconnected. "It's Gus. I need a favor. No, it's a bit complicated...can you meet me? Honest, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important, but I've sort of stumbled into something and I need a hand to get out of it. Do you know where the old theatre is, near the place Nick and I...? Yes, exactly. There's a little market two doors down...no, the 24 hour one. Yeah, that one. Pull up out front, but the door is locked. Knock when you get here and I'll have to let you in."

He listened patiently for a minute. "Charlie, I'm not kidding. You'll understand when you get here, OK? Don't take too long."

Adam was looking more confused by the minute. Now that he wasn't in any imminent danger of being shot, it was beginning to occur to him that he wasn't going to get out of this without a lot more people getting involved.

"I can't make any promises," Gus said as he came off the phone. "But if you can sit tight for a little while and let me handle this, I might have half a chance of keeping you off of the front tomorrow morning's newspaper."

Adam stared at him in amazement. "How do you figure that?"

Gus lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "Because I'd really like to keep myself off the front page, if it's humanly possible," he said, and added cryptically, "You don't have to live in this city. I do."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, " Adam said, after a moment. "But I'm not planning on going anywhere. I don't think I could stand up, let alone walk." 

When Charlie Brock arrived, Gus let him in and re-locked the door behind him while Charlie stood looking bemusedly from the two men on the floor, to Adam, to Mrs. Conti, to the handgun in its plastic bag on the counter and back to Gus again. 

"I told you it was complicated," Gus said.

Charlie pointed at Adam and Gus nodded impatiently. "Yes, yes...I know, he's..."

It was no use; Gus'd gone completely blank. "...the one that's not Kris."

"Never mind that," said Charlie. "What the hell did you get yourself into here?"

Gus took him by the arm and drew him out of earshot. They had a lengthy and somewhat heated conversation in the corner, at the end of which Charlie sighed and spread his hands in surrender. 

"You're going to get us both in a lot of trouble...but you're probably right. We'll do it your way."

Gus flashed him a smile, then crooked a finger at Adam. He stood up, and appeared somewhat surprised that his legs seemed willing to support him. 

"Charlie's going to handle the situation here, and I am going to take you back to the hotel before half the police force comes looking for you. Once Charlie's finished with this, he'll come and take your statement at the hotel so we can try and keep this as low-key as possible." 

Adam looked between the two of them. "Are you sure?"

"Would you rather go down to the police station?" Gus said mildly. "Shall I just go ahead and alert the media?"

Adam shot him a black look. "I just don't want anybody breaking any rules for me. It's my fault I got into this...not anyone else's."

"Don't worry about it," said Charlie. "I plan on telling everyone it was Gus's idea anyway. But he's right. I don't think the two of you should hang around."

Gus held out one hand. "Keys?"

With a sigh, Charlie fished in his pocket. "Make it quick, will you? Removing a witness from a crime scene is one thing, but if my Sergeant finds out I let you borrow my cruiser..."

"Oh, no problem. I'll use the lights and the sirens. Kidding, Charlie...I'm kidding." To Adam, he said, "Let's go."

"Hey by the way," Charlie called after Gus. "You do have your driver's license back, don't you?"

"Got it back a month ago. Relax Mom, I promise I'll be careful." As an afterthought, he added, "And do me a favor, will you? Call the main gate at the hotel and let them know we're on our way."

 

****

 

Outside, the street was nearly empty and the cruiser sitting up on the curb had so far attracted no attention. Without a word, Gus unlocked the passenger side of the squad car and pulled open the door for Adam. 

"Seat belt," Gus said to him as he got in. 

"Look, it's not that I don't appreciate everything you're doing here," Adam said, as Gus started the engine. "But do you mind if I ask you a question? Are you, or are you not a cop?" 

Gus cast him a sideways glance. "I'm not a duty officer. Not anymore. I'm with the Civilian Police Services Division."

"So...you really shouldn't be doing any of this, right?"

"Oh, look who's talking!" Gus snapped at him. "This from the moron who blows into town with his band and decides to go wandering around a strange city, alone, in the middle of the night!" He hit the gas and the cruiser lurched off the curb, causing Adam to grab for a handhold. 

"Look,"he said, with an attempt at patience. "I know what it's like to want to just get away and do something simple and normal without everybody staring at you and organizing your every move."

"You think so, do you?"Adam said, wearily. "No offense, but I don't think you could possibly have a clue."

They were silent until Gus wheeled the big cruiser up to the main security gate at the hotel. Gus flashed the cruiser's lights at the guard, who immediately waved them through. "So how much of a panic is everyone likely to be in about this?"

"Panic?" said Adam. "I doubt anybody even noticed I was gone."

Gus wound the car through the tunnel down to the huge underground parking garage and drove in between the long line of parked buses, tractor-trailers and vans. As he swung around one of the last big trucks, he had to slam on the brakes to avoid plowing into the group of people who were milling around at the main service entrance.

It was fairly obvious who was who. There were a handful of security staffers, all looking extremely uncomfortable, a tour manager who appeared to have dressed in a big hurry and was in an advanced stage of apoplexy, the hotel personnel muttering anxiously into walkie-talkies and in the middle of it all, Adam's band members, whose expressions ranged from frantic to furious.

Gus raised his eyebrows at Adam as the group crowded around the car. "You were right," he said, dryly. "I don't think anyone noticed."

Flushing, Adam shoved open the car door and got out, coming face to face with Monte, who had his arms crossed and was shaking his head.

"Police bringing you home in a cop car, Adam?" he said. "Your mother's going to have a fit."

The barrage of questions from the rest of the group trailed off when Gus emerged from the other side of the cruiser. Expecting a uniformed police officer, they were all taken aback at the sight of the blond in a white t-shirt, faded blue jeans and a hoodie who looked like he had fallen out of a Gap commercial. 

The look on their faces was priceless. Trying to stifle his laughter, Gus sat himself on the hood of the car, where he was immediately buttonholed by David Ellison. 

"He's fine," he said, before David could open his mouth. "No, he's not hurt, he's not in any trouble, he's not been arrested, he doesn't need a lawyer, and no, I am most definitely not the officer in charge...I'm just making a delivery. And you are?"

"David Ellison. I'm in charge of the tour," he said, shaking Gus's hand absently as he said through clenched teeth to Adam, "Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on here?" 

"I went for a walk," said Adam, testily. 

"Where'd you go?" said Brooke, who was staring at Gus. "I think I'd like to go with you next time, if this is the type of thing that happens to you."

"Cut it out," David snarled at her. "This is not funny."

Gus glanced at his watch. "Look guys, once I'm gone you can argue among yourselves all you want, but I need to return this cruiser before anybody notices it's gone. "

"All right, "said David over his shoulder to the crowd in general. "I think I can handle this from here. Thanks everybody, I'm sorry for the commotion."

The majority of the group took this as their cue to drift away, with several of the larger security people taking up positions out of earshot, while Gus glanced around at the rest of the band wondering who they were. Remembering his manners, Adam muttered introductions. 

"Nice to meet you all," Gus said, flashing them a smile. "But I have got to be going." To Adam he said, "You'll have to do all of your own explaining, I'm afraid. I'm taking Charlie's cruiser back to him and once he's finished at the scene he will be coming down here to take your statement."

"Statement about what?" said Terrance and Sutan simultaneously.

Ignoring them, Gus continued, "I know you're worried about word of this getting out. But since it's past two, I can tell you that at least the daily newspapers have already gone to bed. Now normally this would appear on the morning's crime sheets, which means pretty much anybody would know all about it by noon. But I'm going to ask Charlie to sit on his report for a few extra hours. Your concert's tomorrow... I mean, tonight, isn't it? Well, if he doesn't file the paperwork until the start of his next shift, there's a good chance that the newspapers won't get hold of it until they go to print Sunday morning. I can't guarantee you that radio and TV won't catch wind of it before then, but with any luck, you will be out of here before the story hits the news."

"That would be appreciated," said David in obvious relief. "Thank you."

Adam didn't look convinced. "What about the two guys who were arrested? Don't you think they're going to be telling some stories tonight?"

"Charlie'll stick them in the drunk tank for 24 hours," Gus said cheerfully. "They could be claiming to have seen Elvis and nobody would pay any attention to them."

"Are you sure this isn't going to get him into any trouble?"

Gus grinned. "Naw. Charlie loses paperwork and suspects on a regular basis. Nobody's going to pick on him for this one."

He shook hands with them all again and Adam followed him back to the car.

"Look," he said in a low voice, holding the door open for Gus. "I really am sorry about all this. You've been great, honest. I can't thank you enough."

"You're welcome," he said. He leaned towards Adam, resting his arms on the top of the door. "But please...do me a favor? The next time you get the urge to go walkabout, take a bodyguard with you." He looked Adam up and down, and couldn't resist a smile. "It's a very nice body. I'd hate to see anything happen to it."

He slid down into the driver's seat, and threw the cruiser into gear, scattering security guards as he swung the car towards the exit, and squealing the tires on the concrete floor as he went.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of recklessness lands Adam in a situation he can't get out of alone. He finds a reluctant ally in a young man who wants his anonymity back even more than Adam does.

It was nearly two hours before Charlie Brock arrived at the hotel, by which time Adam had been subjected to a long and loud lecture from David Ellison, and persistent questioning by his band and friends. Neil was furious that his brother had taken such a risk, but after a few heated exchanges, gave up and went to bed.  Tommy was the most sympathetic, while Isaac and Cam shrugged philosophically and admitted the thought of taking a solo stroll in the middle of the night had crossed both their minds in the past.

“Interesting way to meet men,” Sutan commented, while he sat up with Adam to wait for Charlie.

“I don’t recommend it.” Adam muttered.

“If all cops looked like that, I’d seriously contemplate a life of crime.”

“He’s not a cop. Not anymore. He gave it up...or something. He just didn’t manage to lose the attitude.”

“Lucky for you,” Sutan said pointedly.

Charlie Brock was waiting for them in the hotel’s boardroom, a place where he was able to come in and get back out without attracting any attention. Adam threw himself into one of the high-backed chairs, and wearily answered Charlie’s questions, while David Ellison hovered anxiously in the background.  Having tagged along out of sheer curiosity, Sutan wandered idly along the wall looking at the framed photographs of sports figures and city officials.  

“Holy shit,” he said suddenly.

“Not now, Sutan” said David.

“No really, it’s worth a look.” He motioned to Adam who was in the midst of signing his statement.  “Isn’t that your little lifesaver in this picture?”

Charlie Brock came up to stand behind him. The photo was of Gus and another young man, clearly taken inside the venue after a major event. Gus was perched on the railing with his legs trailing. His companion stood beside him, leaning back against the wall.  There were forty to fifty teenagers crowded in the background and the signature scrawled across the bottom of the poster read, “Thank you for your support of the Take Back the Streets campaign.  Best wishes, Gus Harrison and Nick McGavison, Metropolitan Toronto Police”

“Yeah, that’s him,” he said finally. “With his partner.  Although that’s an old picture.  It was taken a year ago last summer, when the campaign kicked off.”

“So he is a cop then?” said Sutan. “I wish somebody would make up their minds about that.”

“No, he’s not,” said Charlie. “He had to leave the force last fall.  He was in a bad car accident.  The campaign had been going really well, but that pretty much shut it down.   I don’t think he had the heart to go back to it.”

“His partner didn’t keep it up?”

“No,” said Charlie. “His partner was the one driving the car the night of the accident.  He was killed.”

 

****

As a result of his gymnastics the night before, Gus woke with a severe backache, which meant his normal morning bike-ride was out of the question. To try and loosen up, he went for a long, slow walk, stopping on the way back to buy all three daily newspapers. As expected, there was nothing in print about the previous night’s adventure, and aside from the regular promotional stuff, nothing about Adam or the concert at all. To his satisfaction, the local noon newscast also failed to pick up the story, and neither of the 24 hour national news networks even mentioned the tour in passing.

The gentle exercise had done nothing to ease the spasms in his back. Petrified of a painkiller addiction, he had always been reluctant to take anything stronger than Tylenol, and consequently had suffered through long bouts of severe discomfort since his accident. Yoga and physiotherapy had helped, but his spinal injury was still badly aggravated by any kind of sudden movement.

There was a still a huge pile of paperwork left over from his meetings the day before.  The thought of sitting at his desk all afternoon was not a pleasant one, but he put on his back brace and gloomily emptied out the contents of his briefcase. He was only moderately cheered when his cat, Lucian, offered to help by stretching himself out on the stack and refusing to move.

“Nice try,” Gus said, trying to poke him out of the way so he could reach phone when it rang. “But had to stop using those kinds of excuses when I left primary school.”

“Is this Gus?”

Digging all four sets of claws into the pile of papers, Lucian propelled himself off, scattering government forms everywhere. With the phone in one hand, Gus lunged awkwardly to stop the landslide with the other and swore at the shooting pain that went up his spine.  

“Yes,” he said, wincing. “Who’s this?”

There was a moment’s hesitation, then the sound of someone trying very hard not to laugh.  “Well, let me put it this way...I’m the one that’s not Kris.”

Gus let go of the pile and the rest of the paperwork slid to the floor.  

“All right, all right,” he sighed with a smile. “Give me a break.  I did get it right by the end of the evening. In fact I had to write your name on the police report so many times that I doubt I’ll ever forget it.” He leaned back in his chair and hugged his knees up on the edge of the seat.  “So how are you feeling?  Has your heart come down out of your throat yet?”

“Almost,” Adam admitted.  “I can’t say I exactly slept much last night.  Of course, that may have had something to do with all people who wanted to take turns shouting at me.  I’m not the flavor of the month around here at the moment.”

“Tell them they’re lucky you’re alive,” Gus advised.  “That should shut them up.”

“Look, I know I shouldn’t have your home phone number, but I kinda badgered your police officer friend into giving it to me.”

“I’m sure that was a struggle,” Gus agreed.  “And exactly how many things did you have to autograph before he gave in?”

There was a rueful silence. “Two posters, one concert program, an 8x10 and a cabbie hat. Oh, and I’m not sure, but I think I promised that Tommy would marry his daughter.”

“He’ll have to wait a few years,” Gus said, laughing. “Mandy's only ten.”

“I hope you don’t mind “

“What, you calling me? I spent 30 minutes squashed in a closet with you. I’ve given guys my phone number for just being on the same subway train as me.”

“I wanted to...” Adam stopped, then started again. “I mean, I didn’t think that I really showed my appreciation for what you did for me last night. I know I was a little bit rattled, but that’s no excuse.  So, I’m calling to try and make it up.”

“I’m glad that I was there,” Gus murmured. “I don’t like to think what might have happened to you if I hadn’t been.”

“That’s what I mean. But it’s not just that...even afterwards, you really went out of your way to keep it quiet. A lot of people would have been signing book deals by now.”

“Jimmy Kimmel was out when I called,” Gus said, deadpan. “He’s promised to get back to me.”

“Will you be serious?”

Gus sighed. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m trying to tell you that I appreciate the call, but it’s not necessary to thank me.  I told you last night that I didn’t want to see my face on the news any more than you wanted to see yours.”

Adam hesitated. “Yeah, I think I jumped on you a bit when you said that you knew what it was like to be well-known. I’m sorry about that; I didn’t know you’d had some problems like that yourself.”

Taken aback, Gus was opening his mouth to ask Adam exactly what he did know, when he rushed on.

“So the real reason I called, was to say that we...that is the band and I...wanted to invite you to come to the concert tonight. As a special guest. As a token of our appreciation.”

“I thought this thing was sold out?” Gus teased. “Are you trying to tell me you’re having trouble getting rid of tickets?”

“No,”  Adam retorted.  “It is sold out.  I just happen to have a little clout with the promoter, that’s all.  We always have a few seats set aside in each city.” After a second, he said carefully, “And if you’d like to bring someone...I mean, a date...”

Gus raised his eyes heavenward. “A date?” he echoed. “I thought you said this concert was tonight. You’re not exactly giving me much time to scare one up.”

“Then come by yourself,” Adam said, trying not to sound too pleased.

“You know, you really don’t have to...”

“I’ll send a car for you. You’ll have to give me your address.”

“Wait a minute,” Gus protested. “I haven’t even said I’ll come yet. Besides...I don’t need a car. I can take the subway. It’s right outside my door.”

“And take the risk of you handing out your phone number to a bunch of strange men?” Adam replied mockingly. “No, I think it’s safer if I send you a car.”

“Look, you don’t...I mean, it’s not...” He closed his eyes. “Oh, hell, all right then...if you insist. But I do have to warn you that I’m more of a Pink Floyd kind of person. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t hear your stuff on the radio...and besides, I work with teens all day; you’d be amazed at the kinds of crap they make me listen to.”

“Thank you,” Adam said.  “I think.”  
   
Gus winced.  “Sorry.”

"Don’t be sorry.  Just say that you’ll be ready by 6:30."

After some deliberation, Gus went down the hallway and knocked on his neighbor's door.

“Sorry, Celine’s not home yet,” Alex said in puzzlement. “She slept at a friend’s last night. Why?”

Looking at the floor, Gus muttered something about wanting to borrow some CD’s.  

“Help yourself. Although I can’t imagine that any of it is going to be your style. I can’t stand most of the stuff myself.”

Rifling through the jewel cases, Gus selected three. Avoiding Alex’s curious stare and mumbling thanks, he fled back out the door to the privacy of his own apartment.

 

****

Assuming it was appropriate to go casual to such a concert, he settled on skinny blue jeans, a sleeveless black shirt and a denim jacket. At almost exactly six-thirty, Len the doorman rang up to tell him there was a driver waiting for him out front in a big car.

“A big car?” said Gus in dismay.

“A big car,” said Len.

It was, in fact, a limo. His neighbors were trying hard not to stare.

“Gee,  I didn’t wear my tux,” he muttered to the driver who held the door for him.  “And I was afraid Adam was going to go out of his way to embarrass me.”

The driver grinned.  "There are bigger ones you know."

“Great,”Gus replied. “There’s always the ride home.”

When they got close to the venue, they got caught in traffic. Despite having done a few security gigs in his off-duty time, Gus was still taken aback at the sheer number of people who was making their way to the venue.  

He was expecting to simply be dropped at one of the gates, but the car turned in to the same underground entrance that he had driven through the night before.  But unlike the previous night, the garage was now absolutely crawling with security staff.  A tall blond man retrieved him from the car when it pulled up and hung a backstage pass around his neck.  

“I’m Jeremy,” said, as he led Gus inside. “I’ll be looking after you tonight.”

“You sound like my waiter,” Gus said, amused. “In which case, I think I’ll have a large Scotch.” There were swarms of people rushing here and there, and he really had to be light on his feet to keep up with Jeremy. “Holy cow, how can you hear yourself think in here?”

“Earplugs,”Jeremy replied. “We keep spares, if you want some.”   

At the gate, they passed through another security check, and Jeremy spoke in an undertone to the guard at entrance to the tunnel. “If you leave for any reason during the show,” he said to Gus afterwards. “If you go for snacks or anything, you come out this way and come back in this way. That pass of yours isn’t good on any of the other gates. And I don’t think I need to tell you not to loan it to anyone. There are going to be all kinds of people trying to get it off you, so be suspicious of any young girls who suddenly want to start giving you hugs.”

It was getting impossible to carry on any kind of conversation. There was a curtain at the end of the tunnel, and he held it back for Gus to pass through. As they did, they were swallowed up into an enormous crowd of people, all being directed towards the seating on the floor. Gus looked askance at Jeremy, who took his arm and walked him past the line-ups, much to the annoyance of many of those waiting impatiently.  

He was beginning to suspect by now that the limo was the least of the embarrassments he was going to suffer that night. Sure enough, Jeremy didn’t stop walking until he had escorted him all the way to the front row.

“You’re kidding, right?”Gus said to him.  

“I just do what I’m told,” Jeremy replied with a grin. “Look, I’ll be right over there for the whole show. If you have any problems, you come and get me, OK?”

Gus sat down dazedly in the aisle seat, and was immediately poked by the girl in the seat to his right, who was practically bouncing with excitement.

“What are you here for?”

“Ticket winner,” Gus said blankly. He could hardly tell the truth. At least it was a relief to see that he wasn’t the oldest or the only guy in the place and that so far, he hadn’t run into anybody who knew him.

He thought the crowd screamed loud enough for the opening act. When the lights went down for the second time and shrieking resumed at an even higher pitch, it was almost physically painful. He put both hands over his ears, and then hastily dropped them when the lights went back up. It was probably not a good idea for a guest to be seen trying to block out the sound.

It was a little disconcerting, sitting so close to the stage with several thousand people sitting behind him. It was even more disconcerting to look up and find Adam standing at the top of the stairs on the stage.

He could tell Adam was trying to pick him out of the crowd during the first march around the stage, but he looked so seriously intent on what he was doing that Gus resisted the urge to wave at him.  But during the opening song, as Adam worked his way around to his side during the dance routine, he did spot Gus, and Gus grinned back at him.

When it came to the introductions, Adam said, “I’d just like to say that I’ve had a great time here in Toronto so far.  I’ve always loved coming back to this city, and each time just gets more exciting than the last; and the fans here...” Adam continued, “The people here, are always going out of their way to try and make us welcome, and we really do appreciate that. So we’re going to do our best to put on a great show for you.”

Thanks to several hours of playing Celine’s CD’s non-stop, Gus at least recognized most of the songs. But the concert itself didn’t fit with any of his pre-conceptions. He’d assumed Adam was simply another pre-packaged singer with a good backup band, but there was no doubt that he was amazingly talented and Gus found himself enjoying the show more than he could have possibly expected.  

As the son of a drama teacher, Gus was astonished and impressed to discover that Adam not only sang well but he acted very well and could keep the crowd entertained. After one of the songs, he glanced in Gus's direction. Finding Gus smiling at him, Adam smiled back, then ducked his head, apparently embarrassed at the attention.

During the last encore, when the crowd was on its feet and at its noisiest, Gus was startled to find that Jeremy had come up beside him. Cupping his hand around Gus's ear, he said, “After the last song, stay where you are until I come and get you, OK?”

“Why?” Gus mouthed at him, but he just shook his head.

When Adam and the band took their bows, he looked up and caught Adam’s eye and was puzzled at the look he gave him. After the stage cleared, he hung back at the barriers and watched the rest of the throng filing out. Jeremy was busy trying to shoo the hangers-on away from the stage, but as soon as he had a moment, he came back to Gus and took him by the arm.  

“You can just tell me where the car is, you know,” he said as Jeremy led him up the aisle. “You don’t have to walk me out.”

“I’m not walking you out,” he replied.  “I’m supposed to take you backstage.”

“Really?” Gus said, and went pink. Sure enough, Jeremy walked him straight through the line of security at the back and into the enormous staging area at the back. There was the same sense of controlled confusion that he’d seen earlier, but now the atmosphere was more relaxed and low-key.  

Jeremy heard his name called and stopped. Adam was chasing them through the crowd, looking breathless and hot, with a towel slung around his neck.  

“Hi,” he said to Gus. And to Jeremy, “Thanks, give me a minute, OK?” He drew Gus out of the middle of the hallway to where they could at least hear each other speak.  “So what did you think?”  

“Didn’t I look impressed?”

Adam thought about that. “As a matter of fact,” he said.  “You did.”

“Well, I was.  It was a great show.  I didn’t know you were that good.”

Adam looked taken aback. “Remember,” Gus reminded him dryly.  “I also thought you were Kris.”

“Yeah,” Adam said ruefully. “It sounds stupid, but I’m not used to people not knowing much about me.”

“I’m learning,” Gus said with a smile. “And I have to thank you again for inviting me.  I really enjoyed it.”

Adam scrubbed the towel through his hair. “You, um...don’t need to be anywhere tonight, do you?”

“Be anywhere?” Gus echoed.

“We usually get together and hang around after the show for a few hours. Before the bus heads out. I wondered if you’d stick around for awhile.”    

If he hadn’t known better, Gus would have sworn Adam was nervous.   

“Don’t you all just want to go straight to sleep?” he said in amazement. “I’m tired just from watching you.”

“Not right away.” Adam shrugged.  “It’s too much of a rush...you get so wound up that it takes you a few hours to wind down.  Tonight we probably won’t sleep until we get on the bus.” Scanning the crowd over Gus's head, he caught Jeremy’s eye and waved him back over.  “Jeremy will take you up to the hotel. We’ve booked one of the lounges. We just hang out, grab something to eat, talk about who screwed up what during the show...will you come?”

 

Gus hesitated. “Sure, if you’d like. I mean, as long as I’m not intruding.”

Adam put the towel back around his neck. “You’re not intruding. I’d like you to stay. Give me 20 minutes to shower and change and I’ll meet you up there."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of recklessness lands Adam in a situation he can't get out of alone. He finds a reluctant ally in a young man who wants his anonymity back even more than Adam does.

Feeling distinctly out of place, Gus took his club soda and parked himself in a corner. The lounge was roomy, but not huge, prompting him to wonder how many people were going to end up being squashed into it. First to arrive were a few of the stage crew, who glanced at him curiously but otherwise didn’t seem bothered that he was there. David Ellison wandered through, stopped off briefly to thank him again for his efforts and then disappeared. Gus had finally struck up a conversation with Sasha when he was poked from behind.

“Is this a bust?” said Isaac. He was wearing one of his distinctive beanie hats, and had changed into a peculiar combination of what looked suspiciously like white riding breeches and a red shirt.

Gus looked him up and down. “I’m not actually _with_ the fashion police,” he said solemnly, “But since this seems to be an emergency, I _could_ call it in.”

“Sheesh, were you born this sarcastic?”

“No,” Gus replied. “I’ve got implants.”

“You’ll have to forgive him.” Tommy had appeared on his other side. “We usually don’t turn him loose on unsuspecting guests at first. Not that you don’t seem to be quite capable of handling it.” He shook Gus’s hand. “It’s nice to see you again. Do you know who’s who?”

“I usually work by process of elimination,” Gus said ruefully. “But actually, I think I’ve got you all straight now.”

“So no more pretending to be me,” Isaac said to Tommy. “Where’s Adam?”

“I haven’t seen him come in yet,” said Gus. He glanced at his watch; it was more than forty-five minutes since Adam had waylaid him in the hallway.

“Probably lost again,” said Isaac, “We really should put a bell on that boy.”

Struggling not to laugh, Gus was towed away by Tommy, who walked him around making introductions, refilling his club soda and cheerfully entertaining him until Adam finally arrived.

He had changed into black jeans and a worn Queen T-shirt, and was all apologies for taking so long.  
“I think it was worth the wait,” Gus murmured. “You look really nice.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, and to his annoyance, felt himself turning red. “Did Tommy introduce you around?”

“I did,” said Tommy. “And now that you’re here, I guess I’m just supposed to fade away into the woodwork, right? He always does this to me,” he added in an undertone to Gus. “It’s like I’m the opening act.”

“Well, thanks anyway,” Gus whispered back. “I don’t feel half as awkward as I did when I came in.”

“Good.” Tommy squeezed his shoulder. “I’m glad you came tonight. We all know how much we owe you.”

“You don’t...” he began, but Tommy had wandered off and in exasperation, he looked up at Adam. “You all just insist on thanking me to death, don’t you?”

“Well, I think it took them awhile to realize how close I got to getting myself killed. Not that they’ve taken that as any sign to ease up on me about it,” he sighed. “They’re never going to let me live this one down.”

The arrival of Cam, Neil and Monte seemed to signal the start of a very late supper. Despite Gus’s protests that he wasn’t hungry, Adam filled a plate for him and made him sit down with him in the middle of the group, where everyone was trading comments and stories and seemed entirely unfazed by his presence.

“By the way, Adam,” said Brooke, “Nice to see that you remembered all the routines tonight. If having Gus in the audience was responsible for that, I suggest you hire him as your muse for the rest of the tour.”

“What’s she talking about?” Gus said, completely at sea.

“She’s trying to be funny,” said Adam, shooting Brooke an ugly look. “And failing miserably.”

“Just an observation,” said Brooke mildly.

“But since you’re here,” Neil remarked suddenly, waving at Gus with a carrot stick. “Maybe you’d like to give us your version of what happened last night. Adam wasn’t making a whole lot of sense when he was trying to tell us about it.”

Gus looked at Adam, who didn’t look thrilled, but shrugged. “Be my guest.”

To spare Adam’s feelings, Gus recounted his version as light-heartedly as possible, perhaps a little too much so. They were practically rolling on the floor at his description of the argument between Lee and Ray, and seemed to find the whole idea of Adam being trapped in a closet with him extremely funny.

“And did I hear you right?” Sasha said, wiping her eyes. “You tied them up with baggies?”

“Ever tried pulling a plastic bag apart?” Gus replied with a smile. “It stretches so much that you have to use an awful lot of force to break it, which you simply can’t do with your hands behind your back. In a pinch, you’d be amazed what I’ve had to use for handcuffs.”

“Like what?”

He rolled his eyes. “Belts, shoelaces, telephone cords, dog collars, cords from window blinds. After one bust out in the country at a pot farm, we ended up with so many suspects we had to truss a bunch of them up with baling wire.”

“Adam used to do that to me when I was a little kid,” said Neil.

“See what I have to put up with?” Adam said, shaking his head. “Could we possibly change the subject now that you’ve all had a chance to take another shot at me?”

“If you insist,” said Isaac, standing up and stretching his arms over his head. “I was going to shoot some pool anyway. Who wants a game?”

They congregated in the corner by the windows where there was a pool table, a wet bar and a big-screen TV. Adam pulled out a barstool for Gus, then stood leaning on the bar beside him, offering the odd unsolicited piece of advice to Isaac, Neil and Monte throughout the game.

Monte won the first round, which prompted a re-match. As Isaac prowled around looking at all the angles for one particularly difficult shot, Gus remarked without thinking, “You’d do better on the offside.”

“’Scuse me?” Isaac said, peering at Gus.

“He couldn’t make that shot in ten lifetimes,” said Neil.

Aware that he was suddenly the centre of attention, Gus blinked a couple of times, and cleared his throat. “I just think you’d have more luck banking the seven ball off the far side.”

“I think you should take the guy’s advice,” Neil said, straight-faced. “He seems to know more about it than you do.”

Isaac straightened up. “OK, Mister Wise-Ass...first it was disparaging remarks about my fashion sense, and now you’re poking fun at my ability to play pool. I think we have a problem here....”

“I take back the remark about your next shot,” said Gus with a rueful smile. “But I’m afraid the comment about the outfit still stands.”

“...so, here...” Isaac held the cue out to Gus. “Let’s see you do it.”

“Now you’re in trouble,” Adam said under his breath.

“The last person that did this to Isaac lost fifty bucks,” said Sutan.

“I don’t play pool for money,” Gus said firmly, “And I especially don’t make other people’s shots for them. You want to sink that ball...you sink it.”

“Sorry,” Isaac said grinning. “Too late to back out now. Or are you now saying that you couldn’t make that shot?”

Gus narrowed his eyes at Isaac, then stood up and took the cue. “All right,” he agreed evenly. “What will you give me if I make it?”

“Don’t ask him questions like that,” Tommy said, clutching his head.

Isaac wagged a finger at him. “I thought you didn’t play pool for money.”

“I don’t. But I don’t take challenges lightly either. You want to challenge me to prove myself...” He tapped Isaac on the chest with the cue. “...then you’d better be prepared to cough up something if I do.”

There was muffled laughter from the rest of the group. Isaac crossed his arms. “OK. You name it.”

Like some kind of warped tennis match, everybody looked back at Gus expectantly. He glanced once at Adam, and saw there was no help there. Grasping at straws, he eventually replied, “OK. I get the hat.”

“That hat?” said Tommy.

“Yes, that hat,” Gus retorted. “If I sink this shot, I get the hat. I’m then going to take it somewhere and put it out of its misery because it has got to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen.”

He took two steps forward, still pointing the cue at Isaac who wisely backed up. But when he leaned forward over the table to line up the shot, Isaac purposely leaned in beside him, almost, but not quite, in his way.

“Don’t mind me,” he commented with an evil little smile. “I just want to make sure that I don’t miss anything.”

Just to make Gus even more nervous, everyone else had crowded around as well. With a sigh, Gus flexed his elbow once, just enough to make Isaac shift over. Then, dropping his head, he sighted the ball and struck it, just like he’d been taught, with more of a flick of the wrist that a movement of the whole arm.

There was a moment’s open-mouthed silence.

“I don’t believe you just did that,” said Adam.

Without straightening up, Gus laid down the cue and then slid in closer to Isaac who was now practically lying on the table with his head propped in his hands. Very gently, he removed the hat from Isaac’s head, placed it on his own and leaning down, said with a smile, “Two years in vice squad and three years as a narc. Never, _ever_ , play pool with an undercover cop.”

“Thank you officer,” said Isaac. “Could you shoot me now please?”  
The evening got progressively more hysterical from that point on. Determined to recover his hat, Isaac subsequently tried to challenge Gus to everything from a game of poker, to a round of charades, to a drinking contest, darts at 30 paces (lack of a dartboard being the problem there) and, when all else failed, best two out of three in a coin toss.

“Forget it,” said Gus. “I won it fair and square. Don’t tell me you don’t have another fifty like these at home. In fact, don’t tell me that you do, either. I’ve having enough trouble dealing with the mere existence of this one.”

“You’re still wearing it,” he muttered.

“Ah yes,” Gus said sweetly. “But I’m wearing it with style.”

“Got you there, Isaac.” said Neil.

“I bet the bad guys just up and surrender when they see you coming, don’t they?” Isaac said, morosely. “I’ll bet you don’t even have to say ‘Stop! Police!’ ...They probably just beg to be taken into custody.”

“I’ve had the odd one beg,” Gus admitted with a smile.

By now, many of the rest of the group had drifted away. Adam, the band and the remaining members of the entourage crashed onto various chairs and sofas. Gus, still fighting the ache in his back from the previous night (now compounded by standing too long), sat on the floor with his legs stretched in front of him and readily answered their questions about the oddities of police work. He had enough stories in his repertoire to keep them all laughing and joking for the longest time, until Cam inadvertently put an end to the lightheartedness.

“So, what’s the absolute worst car accident you’ve ever seen?” she asked.

Out of the corner of his eye, Gus glimpsed both Adam and Sutan shaking their heads warningly at Cam, who frowned at them but plowed on. “I mean, you’ve probably been at some really bad wrecks. What was the worst?”

Gus went very quiet. “My own, I guess,” he said after a minute. He caught Cam’s puzzled expression, but didn’t elaborate and, for lack of something better to do, looked at his watch.

“Holy cow,” he said.

“What’s the matter?” said Tommy.

“It’s almost four,” Gus said. “ _In the morning_ ,” he added when nobody else reacted.

“ _That_ ’s what I should have done,” said Isaac. “Challenged you to tell me what time it was. I knew you had to have a weakness somewhere.”

“Four...in the morning,” he repeated. “Don’t you guys have to be somewhere?”

“New York,” said Neil. “On Tuesday. The bus doesn’t leave for awhile yet.”

“But you probably have to get home,”Adam muttered. He put his hand on Gus’s shoulder as he got up off the sofa and said, “Stay here. I'll get the car.”

It took Gus several minutes to locate the jacket he had pulled off during some point in the evening. Isaac found it first, at which point negotiations ensued to determine who should give whose piece of clothing back to whom. Taking pity on him, Gus eventually gave in.

"I doubt very much that this is a first offence," he grumbled, placing Isaac’s hat back on his head. "And you certainly haven't shown any remorse. But in the interests of international relations..."

"My favorite kind," Isaac said with a straight face.

"...I'll let you off with a warning this time. But no kidding...you try and come back across the border with that and I'll rat you out to the feds.”

"I'll remember that," Isaac replied. "But it was very nice meeting you anyway.”

Gus shook hands with everybody else, and Tommy walked him out to the foyer.

“Glad you stuck around tonight,” he told Gus. “You didn’t seem to be the least little bit intimidated like a lot of people are. I guess we do get a little wacky but most people just don’t seem to think that we just do normal things like hang around together after work.”

“When I was in college,” Gus replied. “I rented half of my house out to a group of musicians. I’ve been at my share of post-gig parties. Besides, if you want to see wacky, try going out for a drink with eight cops after an undercover shift. Compared to that, your get-togethers are boring.”

“Probably,” Tommy grinned. “I guess you it, huh?”

“Miss it?”

Tommy looked momentarily blank, then rather abashed. “I’m sorry; I guess that was the wrong thing to say. Adam mentioned that you left the police force, but he didn’t say why. It’s just that...from the way you talked about it, I got the impression that you really enjoyed the job.”

Gus hunched his shoulders tiredly. “Well, circumstances change. I won’t bore you with the details.”

He held out his hand to Tommy, which he pushed aside and hugged Gus hard. “I hope you don’t mind me saying that I think it’s too bad Adam saw you first,” Tommy said ruefully. “If I could, I’d stick you in my suitcase and take you with me.”

“Why, Tommy,” Gus teased, poking him in the ribs. “I thought you were straight.”

“Well…you thought wrong.”

“I think that was the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.”

The elevator door opened and Adam stuck his head out. “Are you ready?”

“Don’t be late, kids,” Tommy said, giving Gus’s hand a last squeeze as he turned away. “Bus leaves at 5:30.”

 

****

In the garage, Gus was astounded to see the same car and driver that had picked him up much earlier that evening.

“Has he been waiting for me all this time?”

“Relax,” Adam said, holding the door open for him. “That’s what he gets paid for. So are you getting in, or not?” he added, when Gus hesitated.

“What, don’t I get a chance to say thanks and good night?”

“Sure,” Adam replied. “Just get in and you say anything you want while I ride back with you.” Adam waved one finger at him. “And if you say it’s not necessary, I’ll scream, so shut up and sit down.”

Gus opened his mouth, thought better of it and then did as he was told.

Unfortunately, not paying attention as he got in, Adam caught one foot on the doorframe and promptly fell face first into the car. Unable to help himself, Gus went off into peals of laughter.

“It’s not funny,” Adam muttered, picking himself up off the floor. “I hate getting in and out of these things.”

“I’m sorry,” Gus gasped, but it was impossible to keep a straight face. After a moment, Adam gave in and laughed with him.

“All right, all right,” he sighed. “Cut it out. Can’t you see that I’m just trying to make a good impression here?”

When the car pulled out in to the empty street, Gus remarked, “I suppose you don’t ever really drive anywhere by yourself, do you?”

Adam seemed surprised. “Sure I do, at home. I have to be careful, but I go out a lot.”

“You don’t go for midnight walks?”

It was dark in the car but Gus could tell that Adam was smiling. “No,” he admitted, “I think I’ve given that up.”

Exasperated, Gus swatted him on the arm. “You don’t have to give it up, you big fool. You just have to be more careful where you go and when you go, and always...always...”

“I know, I know...take security. I don’t suppose you’d be interested in the job?”

Gus deliberately opted not to answer that one. “By the way,” he said after a moment’s uncomfortable silence. “I did notice that you were trying to wave Cam off tonight when she was asking about car accidents. I take that to mean that Charlie Brock has been telling you my life story?”

Adam lifted his shoulders in an embarrassed shrug. “He did tell me you’d been in a really bad accident. It’s personal...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Gus said flatly. “When it happened it was all over the newspapers for weeks, so I can hardly say that it’s personal.”

It wasn’t exactly encouragement, but Adam took this as permission to press a little further. “Then...do you mind if I ask what happened?”

It was Gus’s turn to shrug. “My partner and I were coming off shift, on our way back to the station. We copied an armed robbery-in-progress call over the radio. We were just down the road a few miles at the time, so we responded.”

He leaned his head back on the seat, and rolled it away from Adam to stare out the window. “It was the middle of the night, and the road was empty, so we were moving pretty fast. It just so happened that we met up with the suspect’s car coming in the other direction. We had our lights going...they must have seen us and panicked because one of them leaned out the passenger window and fired at us. The shot took out our front tire and the left side of the car dropped off the edge of the road. We were going so fast that we just rolled over, and then we hit the guard rail and went airborne.”

He paused for a moment, the continued wryly, “We apparently flipped about four times, ass over tea kettle. I don’t remember the flight, but I remember the landing.”

“We were in Nick’s car, not a standard cruiser, so there was no roll-bar and no reinforcements on the frame. The whole thing crumpled up like an accordion. Part of the roof structure snapped in two and one of the long pieces of metal went through my back and pinned me in my seat like a shish-kabob.”

“Holy shit,” Adam said, appalled.

“It took them two and half hours to cut me out. They were afraid my spine was broken. As it was, the metal had perforated one kidney and my spleen and snapped four ribs, one of which punctured a lung.”

“And your back was broken?”

“Not exactly. But splinters from the metal went into my backbone. I still have them,” he added, after a moment.

Adam stared at him blankly. “What do you mean, you still have them?”

Gus shook his head. “They couldn’t get them out. Or rather, they were afraid to try. These pieces are trapped right against my spine. One wrong move during the surgery and I could end up in a wheelchair for life.” He offered Adam a lopsided smile. “I spent almost three months in a wheelchair, thank you very much. I’ll take my chances that the splinters will just stay where they are. If they start to move, I’ll have to have the surgery anyway but at least I won’t be taking any unnecessary risks in the meantime.”

“So if you were wondering,” he concluded. “Why I left the police force...I didn’t have much of a choice. I recovered, thank God. But I couldn’t ever pass the physical to go back on the job.”

“That must have been awful for you,” Adam said quietly.

“No,” Gus said, low. “The worst part was that during the entire two and half hours they took to get me out of the car, Nick was lying dead in the seat beside me.” He swallowed, hard. “They wouldn’t move him until they got me out.”

Adam took hold of Gus’s hand and kept holding it. “I am really, really sorry that I asked,” he whispered. “I never meant to get you to tell me all that.”

“I don’t mind. It’s not like it’s a secret or anything. Like I said, there were medical updates on me in the paper for weeks afterwards. There was quite a public outcry...you, know...one cop killed, another one almost killed. Everybody in the city knew Nick and me from the campaign. But it was actually a big help, having all those people pulling for me.”

“Yeah,” Adam said. “But it’s one thing to be in the fishbowl, and another thing to have everybody in the fishbowl with you.”

When they arrived outside Gus’s building, Adam insisted on walking him up to his apartment.

“You’re going to miss your bus,” Gus warned.

“A few more minutes won’t make any difference.” Adam took Gus’s hand to help him out, and kept hold of it, following him in through the lobby and up the elevator to the fifth floor.

At his door, Gus dug in his pocket for his keys and unlocked it. Adam still had hold of his hand, and they stood looking a bit awkwardly at each other for a few minutes.

“I want to thank you again for inviting me tonight,” Gus said finally, “And for asking me to stay. You work with a great group of people, and it was a lot of fun to hang out with all of you.”

“I’m glad you thought so. But tonight was supposed to be me thanking you, so there’s no need for you to be thanking me back.”

With a shy stammer, he added, “You know...this is normally the part of the evening, when I say that I’d really like to be able to see you again.”

The dark green eyes widened in some surprise, then Gus’s mouth curved regretfully. “And this is normally the part of the evening when I’d say the same thing...but I don’t suppose to make it up to Toronto very often, do you?”

“No,” Adam admitted. “And I don’t suppose you get a chance to get down to LA much?”

“Not much.”

“Hm. Well.” Adam looked down at the floor, then at the hand he still held, then back up at Gus a bit sheepishly. “But even so...would it be all right if I kissed you good-night?”

An attractive blush worked its way up Gus’s cheekbones. “I’d like that,” he murmured.

Adam was standing close enough that he was just able to bend his head to reach Gus. He really only intended to brush Gus’s mouth lightly with his, but at the first touch, there was such a rush of sensation that it was several long seconds before it occurred to him to pull away.

When he did he found that the blush had crept even higher and that Gus’s eyes took a few moments to reopen.

“Holy cow,”Gus said, faintly. “No wonder you have a fan club.”

That made Adam smile. It took only the slightest tug on the hand he still held to draw Gus forward until he was close against him, and this time he kissed Gus slowly and thoroughly. His free hand came up and touched Gus’s face, sliding back along the curve of his jaw and tilting Gus’s face up to his.

The door of the adjoining apartment banged shut behind him and they broke apart in ruffled haste. Gus’s neighbor Alex, in his pilot’s uniform and carrying his flight bag, passed them on his way to the elevator with a nod to Gus and a casual glance at Adam, who had ducked his head to the side.

“Where to this morning, Alex?”Gus asked, as Alex punched the button for the elevator.

“Just Vancouver and back. The usual.”

“Well, have a good flight.”

“Thanks.” As the elevator doors opened, Alex hesitated and glanced back and Gus could have sworn he had a wicked smile on his face. “And by the way, I told Celine that you borrowed all her Adam Lambert CD’s and she said no problem.”

The doors closed. Gus didn’t dare look at Adam, who was trying desperately trying to keep a straight face.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Gus muttered in complete embarrassment. “I just didn’t want to look like I didn’t know anything at all about you. I promise, first thing tomorrow, I’ll go out and buy my own copies.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll send you some.” Adam touched his cheek again and leaned down to whisper in his ear. “And I’m very flattered, so don’t feel bad.”

There was no more time for conversation. When the elevator came back up, Adam hugged him briefly and they traded rueful, apologetic smiles before he stepped in and pressed the button for the lobby.

When the doors closed, Gus stood looking at them silently for several moments before he was finally able to shake himself free and make his back down the hall to his apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of recklessness lands Adam in a situation he can't get out of alone. He finds a reluctant ally in a young man who wants his anonymity back even more than Adam does.

News, as they say, is only news until something newer comes along.

By the time Gus finally rolled out of bed, the concert reviews had hit the papers, but only one of the dailies had picked up on the rumor that Adam had been involved in an altercation with police the night before the concert. Even when the rest of the details actually came out, Charlie Brock had buried Gus’s name so far down in the police report that none of the newspapers ran the story did anything more than refer to him as an “off-duty” officer. Since Adam and his entourage had already left town, the local media had no way to follow up on the story other than to leak it to the New York media, who basically had very little interest in anything that had happened north of the border.

Gus spent the rest of the day staring moodily at the same pile of paperwork that he been staring at when Adam had originally called him. The events of the previous day seemed weirdly surreal, and despite his normally sensible, logical frame of mind, he greatly regretted circumstances being what they were. Why the hell couldn’t he meet somebody normal?

Most frustrating was the fact that he knew damn well he had to keep things to himself, or risk word getting out that he had been the “off-duty” officer to which the media had referred. The thought of that becoming public was enough to make his stomach churn, so it was some consolation, at least, that the farther away Adam got, the less likely people were going to be interested in what had happened when he was in town.

In the evening, Michelle McGavison called him. Since Nick’s death, his widow and Gus had remained as close as they had been when Nick was alive, and Michelle had been his lifeline of unshakable support throughout his recovery.

“I called last night...where were you? Brian wanted you to come to the movies with us.”

“Rats,” said Gus. “Did I miss another Disney flick? Sorry, Michelle...I was out.”

“I called right up until midnight. Please tell me you weren’t working again.”

“No.” Caught off guard, Gus couldn’t come up with anything fast enough. “I just went out.”

There was a moment’s puzzled silence. “You don’t go out. You never go out. Why do you think I was calling you? I figured Pizza Hut and the movie theater with a three-year-old and me would be the most I could talk you into. What do you mean you went out?”

“I went to a concert.”

“What concert?” It wasn’t hard to imagine Michelle, open-mouthed, on the other end. “Excuse me, _what_ did you say?”

“You heard me. Don’t laugh.” With a sigh, Gus surrendered. He had to talk to someone, and he trusted Michelle McGavison with his life. “If you’re not doing anything right now, why don’t you come over? I might as well tell you the whole story.”

 

* * * *

Sitting at the kitchen counter, Michelle downed three straight cups of coffee before Gus was finished.

“You’re going to be up all night,” Gus pointed out, emptying out the rest of the pot. “And for heaven’s sake, stop looking at me like that.”

Michelle was still shaking her head. “I just don’t believe the things you get yourself into. Here I am worrying that you’re spending another evening home alone, moping by yourself... and now you’re telling me you went out to a concert and stayed up all night partying with a rock star and his band, who then drives you home and kisses you?”

“It wasn’t my idea,” Gus muttered.

“All because you stopped at Conti's for Danish pastry on the way home from work? Wow.” Michelle sat back in her seat and looked Gus up and down, trying to hide her smile. “Sounds like you had a good time.”

“I did.”

“Sounds like you had a _really_ good time.” At her friend’s pained expression, Michelle burst out laughing. “Oh for God’s sake, Gus! You look like the cat that swallowed the canary...sorry, Lucian, darling...no offense. Good for you! It’s about time you met someone.”

Gus raised his eyebrows. “What part about them getting on a bus and leaving for New York did you not understand?”

“So? You told me he said he’d like to see you again.”

Gus leaned forward on the counter and spoke slowly and clearly. “Bus. New York. One hundred more concerts. Lives in LA. Has rather demanding job. Are you listening?”

“Would you? If you could?”

“Would I...? Well, I can’t. So what’s the point?”

Michelle pounded her fist on the counter. “You are such a moron! Where’s your imagination? What, are you afraid he’s got a boyfriend?”

“He doesn’t.”

“He told you that?”

“No.” Gus began to look distinctly uncomfortable. “I read it on the Internet. Stop laughing,” he snapped as Michelle put her head down on the table helplessly. “I didn’t say I wasn’t interested. All I’m saying is that it’s useless, so you can stop egging me on.”

Michelle sat up and wiped her eyes, suddenly serious. “OK, I think we need to go back to the beginning. First of all, it would help me out if I knew exactly who we were talking about here.”

Grudgingly, Gus pulled out one of Celine’s CD’s and handed over the liner notes. “It’s not mine,” he said defensively, as Michelle gave him another knowing look. “I borrowed it from my neighbor. I knew about as much about him as you do.”

“You probably knew more than me. I thought he was bald.”

Gus rolled his eyes. “No, Michelle...that’s Chris Daughtry.”

“Sorry. If it’s not Disney Channel, I don’t have the music video.” She flipped open the booklet. Michelle’s mouth dropped opened again.

“Jeez, you don’t mess around do you?” She frowned at the pictures. “I did think he was a whole lot younger.”

“He’s only a year younger than me,” Gus murmured.

“Ah, let me guess,” said Michelle. “The Internet? Never mind,” she added, as Gus went red in the face. “I certainly don’t blame you. But you’re doing an awful lot of research on somebody you say you wouldn’t be interested in seeing again.”

“I did not say that!” Gus stood up, seized the coffee mug from his friend’s hand and marched it across to the sink.

“Gotcha,” said Michelle, mildly.

Gus stopped dead. After a moment, the angry set of his shoulders relaxed. “If things were different,” he admitted, without turning around. “I would be interested in seeing him again. But that’s not real.”

Michelle chewed her lip. “So, you’re telling me that this is just one of those ‘in another time, in another place’ kinds of things?”

“Sort of. And if you say ‘two ships that pass in the night’, I will smack you. But yes. And I admit it...it sucks. For the first time in ages, I meet somebody who doesn’t have a clue who I am or what I’ve been through and who didn’t walk on eggshells around me. It was nice to have someone want to get to know me without any preconceived notions.”

“I imagine he felt pretty much the same way,” Michelle observed.

At that, Gus did turn around. The expression on his face clearly suggested that the possibility had not occurred to him.

Michelle slid off the barstool. “Well, if he got you out of the house and made you think that maybe you could get out and live a little again...I’d say he did you a favor. Personally, it looks like he did a heck of a lot more than that. Talk about romantic!”

“Very romantic,” Gus replied. “Very _over_. Do I need to refer you back to the tour schedule?”

“All I’m saying,” Michelle said, shrugging into her coat. “Is that you look about a hundred times happier than I’ve seen you in the last twelve months. I’m glad for you.”

She hugged Gus briefly. “I’ve got to get Brian from my Mom’s. But thanks for asking me over. It’s good to hear that one of us is having some excitement in his life. Not having a toddler isn’t exciting. He tried to put a pop-tart in the DVD Player yesterday.”

“Michelle,” Gus said, very seriously. “I know I don’t need to tell you that you absolutely cannot tell anyone about this. It’s going to be bad enough if somebody finds out that I was the one involved on Friday night. I couldn’t stand it if word got out about last night too...OK?”

“I won’t tell a soul. But really...” She poked Gus on the shoulder. “If you want to talk about it some more, call me.”

“What more is there to talk about?”

“Stop being so logical. You never know what might happen."  
Gus confided the first part of the story in only one other person, his personal assistant Frankie. Since she was going to be his immediate line of defense if the media ever picked up on his identity, he felt it was only fair to warn her. Frankie, aware of Gus’s sensibilities, and usually being the soul of discretion anyway, promised to do what she could to head off the press for him if word leaked out.

“Quite a way to spend your night,” she teased. “Was the rest of the week that exciting?”

He mumbled something innocuous in reply, took his stack of messages and disappeared into the conference room. When he came back from lunch, Frankie waved him down as he passed her desk.

“Delivery came for you while you were gone.”

“About bloody time,” he grumbled. “Those press releases were supposed to be here last week. I would have liked to have had the weekend to look them over...now I suppose everybody’s going to pestering me to take them home tonight and...Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Doesn’t look like a press package to me,” she replied.

Puzzled, he walked in through the door of his office and stopped short.

Frankie poked her head around the door-frame. “Nice, aren’t they? I didn’t know roses came in that color. The vase was a little low on water, so I...”

“Out, Frankie,” he said succinctly, catching the edge of the door with his heel and closing it in her face. Still staring, he sat down at his desk and unpinned the little envelope from the ribbon.

 

* * * *

He heard the phone ringing as he was trying to wrestle himself in through the front door, with keys and vase of flowers clutched in one hand and his briefcase in the other, swearing and stumbling over the cat.

"Hello?" he said crossly.

There was the briefest, awkward pause. Then, "Hi, Gus. It's me."

It could have been any number of "me's" but there was no mistaking that voice.

Gus dropped his briefcase onto the table, tipping over the bowl in the center of it and spilling oranges and apples everywhere. Lucian, trying to avoid the hail of fruit, shot between his feet and into the bedroom.

"Well, hi!" he said, flustered. Then, even more stupidly, "So, how's New York?"

"Cold."

At that Gus laughed outright. "Well, just because it's south of here, doesn't make it California."

"You sound out of breath. Are you in the middle of something?"

"Just got home," he said, putting the vase on the table and struggling to extract himself from his coat while balancing the phone between shoulder and ear. "I worked late; I’m trying to make up for not going into the office on Monday."

"That was my fault," Adam said. "Sorry."

"I'm not," Gus said, fighting a smile. Touching one of the roses in the bouquet, he said shyly, "You sent me flowers."

"Did I?" Adam said, equally shy.

"You did. They're lovely, thank you. How’d you know where to send them?”

“Easy,” Adam replied. “I called Toronto Directory Assistance who gave me the main number for the Police Department, then I called that and they gave me the number for the Police Services Division, then I called that and got hold of your assistant....what’s her name?...who was a fountain of information.”

“I can imagine,” Gus said dryly. He was going to kill Frankie.

“So not only do I now know where your office is, I also have your fax number, your email address, exact directions of how to get there, where to the best place is to park and which elevator to take. Is she that helpful to everyone?”

“I don’t suppose you mentioned who you were?”

“Nope. Although at the beginning, she did ask me if I was a reporter...I thought maybe you’d been having problems.”

“Not so far,” Gus replied. “But I don’t expect that to last. Sooner or later somebody’s going to find out. I told Frankie just enough for her to be able to run interference for me. You did cause quite uproar at the office. Everybody wants to know who my secret admirer is." He set the vase back against the wall and suddenly caught sight of the clock radio on the desk. "Hang on a minute. What time is it there?"

"The same as there, I would think," Adam said, puzzled. "Last time I looked I hadn't left the time zone."

Gus looked from the clock to his watch. "No...no. It's quarter after seven. Excuse me, but...don't you have a show tonight?"

"Uh huh."

Gus dropped into the armchair. "At seven thirty?"

"More or less. I’m running a bit late."

For a second, Gus was speechless. "Then aren't you...? I mean, shouldn't you be...?"

"I am," Adam said. "I just thought I'd give you a call before I went on."

There was, in fact, no mistaking the commotion in the background. Gus put one a hand over his free ear to hear better. "Adam..."

"Look,” Adam said, quickly. "I do have to go. I just wanted to call to say hi. And that I meant what I said on the card. I did have a great time."

"So did I," Gus said, softly. "But, hey buddy...you'd better not be holding up a show because of this."

"Can't start without me," Adam said cheerfully, but Gus could clearly hear the sounds of somebody trying to catch his attention. "All right, all right...I'll be right there... Gus? I'd call you back, but it will be late before we're done. Do me a favor; check your email tomorrow. "

And he hung up.


	6. Chapter 6

The meeting dragged on interminably. By the time Gus made his escape, it was well after 2 p.m.

"Don't start with me," he said to Frankie when she waylaid him coming out of the elevator. "If someone other than me would actually ever come prepared to a staff meeting, I wouldn't be running two hours behind. Leave me alone. I want to eat my lunch."

"I'm just here to give you a heads up," she said mildly."Both the Sun and the Star have been calling for you all morning, and so have Channel Nine and Much Music."

Gus stopped dead and closed his eyes. "Aw, don't tell me. Somebody finally got my name off the police report."

"Bingo." She handed him stack of message slips. "I told them you were out of the office all day."

"Bless you. Do me a favor, please...draft me a statement, usual stuff. This is the subject of an ongoing police investigation, not appropriate for me to comment, etc. And whatever you do, DO NOT mention Adam's name. You can refer everybody to Charlie. He's the investigating officer...let him deal with it."

"Are you taking anybody’s calls?"

"Sure", he said grimly. "Anyone who wants to talk to me about the project. Anyone who tries to do an end run around me to talk about anything else will be summarily told to go to hell."

Frankie grinned, accepted back the stack of messages and tore them in half.

"Good girl," he said. "Although I still haven’t forgiven you for yesterday.”

“Can I help it if it was blatantly obvious who he was?”

“No,” he sighed. “Now buzz off. I'm hungry."

There were more than 45 emails in his inbox. With a sandwich in one hand, he scrolled down the list, without a clue what he was looking for. Nearly at the bottom, he began kicking himself. "Stupid, stupid," he muttered. "Get your hopes up...why the heck would he even bother..."

Wait. He choked on a mouthful of peanut butter. Second from the bottom was a message from an address he'd never seen before, but which he recognized immediately.

[theonethatsnotkris@gmail.com](mailto:theonethatsnotkris@gmail.com)

The subject was, "Didn't believe me, huh?"

"Holy cow," Gus said out loud.

 

* * * *

Gus was very handy at dodging the media when it suited him and, with Frankie’s help, managed to fend them for the rest of the week. The newspapers gave up chasing him after a few half-hearted attempts, and the television stations were busy with a series of major special events stories. It was the radio stations that gave him the most grief, but having dealt with most of them during the Take Back the Streets campaign, he had enough contacts behind the scenes in their organizations to ask them to back off. Adam admitted that his management company had received a few calls, but nothing that hadn’t easily been played down.

Aside from Michelle, he talked to no one about it, and for days, stubbornly insisted to himself that there was nothing more to it than a mutual friendship. But each afternoon or evening, there was invariably a new email or a message on his answering machine. On those rare occasions when Adam managed to catch him at home, they talked for hours, making him wince at the thought of Adam’s phone bills. And while Gus tried hard to not look forward to their conversations, he found himself hopelessly disappointed on those days when they didn't manage to connect.

Normally very reticent his life since his accident, he was amazed to find that it was very easy to talk to Adam about many of the things he refused to discuss even with friends. It didn’t take much gentle prodding on Adam’s part to get him to talk about his career in the police force, the youth task force campaign, Nick’s death and the resulting publicity that had been so difficult for him to live with. In return, Adam talked endlessly about his love of music, his astonishing career, life on the road and the strain of being away from family and friends.

Michelle was wildly encouraging, despite Gus’s attempts to keep the brakes on his friend’s enthusiasm. One night over dinner at Gus’s, they fell into an argument over Gus’s obvious reluctance to take things too seriously.

“You’re jumping to about a thousand conclusions here,” Gus insisted.

“I am?” Michelle said incredulously. “Who was the one who wanted to do dinner here instead of at my place so that you wouldn’t happen to miss him if he calls?”

Gus scowled. He was sitting on the floor, struggling to assemble a large plastic fire engine for Brian. “You’d think they’d include better instructions with these things.”

“Stop changing the subject.”

“I’m not trying to change it; I’m trying to drop it. Take the hint.”

Michelle went around the table setting cutlery and plates down with a bang. “I don’t suppose you’ve mentioned anything to Adam about Ted?”

“Why on earth why I tell him about any of that?”

“He’s not interested in your last boyfriend?”

“Will you _stop_?”

“Come on, Gus. If you talked to him about the accident and your surgery and your rehab and all those things you don’t ever talk about to anybody but me...why wouldn’t you tell him about what happened with Ted?”

“Because it’s none of his business?”

“It has a lot to do with you being so skittish about relationships.”

“You’re the only one who seems to think this is a relationship. Oh, never mind. I don’t want to talk about this with you. Or Adam. Or anybody. If I’m skittish, it’s with good reason. Now please...drop it.”

He snapped the last piece into place on the fire truck and rolled it across the floor to Brian. Delighted, Brian picked it up and then launched himself into Gus’s arms, nearly knocking him over as he tried to get up.

“Brian!” said Michelle, sharply. Wide-eyed, he let go.

Michelle knelt beside Gus who was on his knees, deathly pale and unable to catch his breath. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry...I’ve tried to get him not to do that. Are you all right?”

"Fine,” said Gus through clenched teeth. “Just give me a minute.” He put one hand out to Brian who was looking woebegone and frightened, “It’s okay, buddy. You’ve just got to remember you can’t jump on me like that.” He caught hold of Michelle’s arm and with some difficulty, managed to get to his feet.

“You need to go back to the doctor,” Michelle said very seriously.

“For what?” said Gus. “So he can tell me not to let little kids jump on me? I know he warned me against strenuous physical activity, but I don’t think he was referring to Brian.”

“You’re still cycling,” Michelle pointed out.

“God, Michelle...I have to do something. I can’t run anymore. I can’t do aerobics. Swimming bores me silly. As long as I wear my brace when I ride, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Until you fall off. Or get knocked off. You take a tumble off that bike and you could be trading it for a wheelchair.”  
   
Gus shook off Michelle’s arm and managed to make it to the table under his own steam. “You see? I don’t need to see the doctor. I can get exactly the same lecture from you.”

Brian kept them both occupied during dinner, although it took a considerable amount of self-control for Michelle to ignore Gus’s obviously strained face and inability to hold his fork steady in his left hand. By the end of the meal, some of the numbness had worn off and Gus was once again able to move his arm normally, but he still limped noticeably when they moved over to the sofa.

Leaving Gus to read to Brian, Michelle made coffee and was carrying it back to the living room when the phone rang. Gus’ head jerked up and he quickly set the book aside, but it was clear that he was in too much discomfort to get up without a struggle.

Michelle put the coffee mugs down and raised her eyebrows but made no comment. She was walking over to the desk to pick up the receiver, when she heard Gus’s voice behind her, very low and very grim.

“Don’t you dare say a word to him about this.”

“You mean, ‘hello, I’m sorry he can’t come to the phone right now because he’s in too much pain?’ No, I won’t say a word.” Savagely, Michelle snatched up the cordless phone and fired the handset onto the sofa where Gus could reach it. “If you don’t want him to know, that’s your business. But the next time you want to try out that crap about this not being a relationship, try it on somebody else. I saw the look on your face just now when that thing rang.”

 

* * * *

By the end of the second week, Adam had given Gus the number to his private cell phone, although he had great difficulty convincing Gus to use it. He pinned a copy of Adam’s tour schedule above his desk, and between the phone calls and the emails, tracked him through each city while they traded stories about the trials and triumphs of each of their particular jobs.  
   
When Gus spoke to Adam after the show in Puyallup, he seemed tired and unwell. The next night, when there was no post-concert call, Gus was concerned enough to dig out the number to Adam’s cell phone and doubly concerned when there was no answer. Well after midnight, he was jolted from a restless sleep by the sound of his computer beeping, and found an email which read:

“Crisis, crisis! I've lost my voice. Might have something to do with the head cold I've caught, although Tommy insists it's a direct result of all the phone calls I've been making!!! By the last set tonight, I could barely squeak. I'm sorry I missed you. I've got a day before Singapore to rest my throat, and the doctor says "absolutely no talking". (I guess I'll be waving and pointing a lot.) Please email chicken soup. A.”

Despite this, Gus still had his regularly scheduled phone call the following evening. From Tommy.

"I was worried you'd go into AT&T withdrawal," he announced. "So I'm here as the understudy."

Gus grinned, delighted to hear from him. "And how's the patient?"

"Pick a Dwarf," he sighed. "Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy and Sneezy, all rolled into one."

"But is he any better?"

"None of us will dare to go close enough to ask. Do you have any idea what kind of panic we go into when one of us has a cold? We have thirty other shows to get through on this tour, and if we start passing germs around we'll never make it."

"But seriously," he added. "He's pretty sick. Luckily he went down on an off day, but it's hell being stuck on a tour bus when you feel like your head's about to explode."

Gus settled back in his chair, nudging an outraged Lucien of the ottoman so he could put his feet up. "I wish there was something I could do. I did send him about three emails today to try and cheer him up."

"Don't suppose you'd like to hop on a plane and meet us in Singapore?" Tommy said hopefully. "THAT would cheer him up."

"Get serious."

"Why the heck don't you think I'm serious?" he said, incredulous. "We're the ones who've had to sit and listen to him talk about you non-stop since we left Canada...the least you could do is come down here and keep him happy when he's impossible to be around."

"I think you're exaggerating, Tommy Joe," Gus said sternly, but was grateful Tommy couldn't see how furiously he was blushing.

"And I think you're an idiot," Tommy grumbled. "In case you haven't noticed, the fact that the two of you are several thousand miles apart does not seem to be affecting the fact that he's really, really interested in you. I thought cops were supposed to be quicker on the uptake than that."

"In case YOU hadn't noticed," Gus said, aghast. "We ARE several thousand miles apart. I've only ever seen him twice...in my life."

"Wouldn't stop me," Tommy said, unfazed. "But never mind. He'd kill me if he knew I was talking to you like this. I just thought you should know, in case he's too thick to tell you himself. Look, buddy, I just wanted to keep you posted. I promise I'll give you regular bulletins, okay? ... but for now, I'd better go."

"Thanks for calling," Gus said softly. "Tommy?"

"What?"

"This is all a little weird for me."

"I know. Don't worry. Things will work themselves out. I'll call you when we get to Singapore."  
By the time of the concert in Singapore, Adam had recovered his voice enough to perform, but was still strictly warned not to use his voice any more than necessary off stage. Since he was restricted to emails, Gus had more calls from Tommy that week, with updates and news on how things were progressing. During those calls, he found that, like the evening they'd met, he and Tommy got along like a house on fire. Tommy was also unashamedly convinced that Gus’s relationship with Adam was more than just friendship, and caused him no end of embarrassment by taking every possible opportunity to tell him so.

After the show in Singapore, Gus was awakened in the middle of the night by the phone, grabbed it groggily and for the first few seconds had absolutely no clue who he was talking to.

"You sneak!" he said when Adam’s identity dawned on him. "You aren't supposed to be on the phone."

Adam sounded horribly hoarse, but Gus was still taken aback by the thrill that ran through him to hear Adam’s voice after so long.

"Don't snitch on me," Adam, said. "I'll be quick, I promise."

"You sound awful."

"Well, I _feel_ better. I'm not coughing nearly as much. I made it all the way to the encore tonight before my voice gave out."

"All the more reason," Gus said, pointedly, "Why you shouldn't be talking to me now."

Adam sniffed, but whether from cold or disgust, Gus couldn't tell. "I'm sorry. I just really wanted to say hi." He paused for a moment, then cleared his throat awkwardly and said, "I've missed calling you."

"Your stand-in's been calling me on a regular basis," Gus said, amused. "And apparently I've got to tell him to keep a closer eye on you until you get better. He was _supposed_ to hide your cell phone."

"He did. It's a little harder to hide the phone in my hotel room. Don't scold me...I'm being good.  I'm flat on my back, in bed, but I couldn't sleep. Talk to me. I miss hearing your voice."

Gus sighed, but it was impossible to say no to Adam. For the next half-hour, he filled Adam in on all the latest happenings, including the news that Ray had pleaded a forcible confinement charge down to a lesser charge of weapons possession and would therefore not go to trial.

"That's good news, isn't it?" Adam said sleepily.

"Depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, it means you don't have to come back to Toronto to appear as a witness in court. Your record label should be happy about that. On the other hand...” Gus paused, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. "It means you don't have to come back to Toronto to appear as a witness in court."

"Oh."

"Yeah...perfectly good excuse to come visit me shot to hell."

Adam was silent for a minute, then he said, "I hope I don't need an excuse to come and see you," and was promptly seized by a fit of coughing.

"All right, enough!" Gus said, firmly. "Time to shut up. I'm not going to be responsible for you lip-synching your way across Singapore. Got it?"

"Yes, dear." Adam said meekly. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"I'll make you a deal. You get Tommy to phone me first...and if he tells me you're allowed to talk to me, we'll talk. Otherwise, you let your fingers do the talking. Email doesn't make you cough."

"But..."

"Stop arguing. I want you better and so does half the ladies of Singapore." Gus hesitated, then said in a rush, "And even though you shouldn’t have done it, you might as well know that you made my day by calling me. Now go to sleep. Sweet dreams."

And he hung up on Adam before he had a chance to say another word.

 

* * * *

As the closing date of his contract drew closer, Gus was subjected to massive amounts of pressure to stay on to continue headlining the campaign. Despite the fact that the funding was on track, the release date was right on schedule and the program was generating all the right kinds of publicity, the Board continued to badger him for more of a commitment. Doggedly, Gus stuck to his original agreement...that he would work out the remaining time of his contract, and then participate in the Gala Fundraiser as a coordinator...on a volunteer basis only.

“If this program is going to succeed,” he insisted to the Board. “It has to succeed on its own merits. It doesn’t need me.”

Even the Mayor stuck his two cents in. After one session of arm twisting at City Hall, Gus stormed back to his office in such a state that the rest of the staff gave him a wide berth for the rest of the day.

“One of these days, I’m going to tell that man where to go,” he complained furiously to Adam that night. “I don’t care who he is. If he lays any more of a guilt trip on me about what how the City has supported me and how he’s backed me up in Council...”

“Sounds like he’s just trying to keep the best person for the job,” Adam said soothingly.

“Bullshit. The man’s an egomaniac. He wrote an official letter from the city asking R.E.M. not to break up, for God’s sake.”

When Adam’s laughter had finally died down, he took another tack. “Well at least you’ve only got another couple of weeks to go. Stick it out. You know you’re doing a good job.”

“All I know,” Gus sighed, “Is that it’s a good thing I have some time off between my last day and the Fundraiser. I might have worked off some of my frustration by then. I was going to repaint my kitchen. At the moment, I think I’ve got enough pent-up energy to paint the whole damn apartment.”

Adam hadn’t quite screwed up the courage to ask, but he figured he wasn’t going to get a more perfect opportunity.

“What if I have a better idea?”

“If you’re talking about wallpaper, forget it. I can never get it to hang straight.”

“No,” Adam said impatiently. “Never mind your redecorating. I was thinking that maybe you could do something else during your time off. How about a trip to Hollywood?”

Before Gus had a chance to reply, he rushed on. “You’re done a week this Thursday, right? Well, that Thursday is my last concert...in LA. Why don’t you finish work, get on a plane and fly down and come to the last show? We’ll take a couple of days to wrap up afterwards, but then I don’t have any plans. Well, except sleep. But you sound like you really need the break, and it will be a heck of a lot warmer than where you are now.”

Gus was so dumbstruck that for one terrible minute Adam thought he had offended him.

“If you’re not interested,” Adam murmured. “Don’t worry about it...it was just an idea. If I’m out of bounds, you just have to say so.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Gus replied finally. “Mostly because I can’t seem to remember how to talk. Are you being serious?”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t serious.”

Such a flush had gone through Gus that he had to sit down. They stammered awkwardly over each other for the next couple of minutes until Adam finally shouted at Gus to be quiet.

“Just listen, please,” Adam said. “This would be my treat. I will send you a plane ticket. We’ll have a big party after the last show and spend a couple of days making sure we get around to seeing everybody and saying goodbye. I have a couple of personal appearances, but nothing big. And once that’s done, I’ll have lots of time. You can come out and stay with me at my house...I’ve got enough room for an army.”

After a pause, he said, “Now you’re being too quiet. Please tell me you’re not taking any of this the wrong way.”

“What way is that?” Gus said faintly.

“I do remember telling you,” Adam said. “That I wanted to see you again. I think I remember you telling me the same thing. Have you changed your mind?”

That seemed to jolt Gus out of his speechlessness. “Changed my mind? My God, Adam, how can you ask me that? How many hours have we spent on the phone with each other since you were here? Of course I would like to see you again, but I can’t just let you fly me down there.”

“Consider it an early birthday present,” Adam said.

“My birthday’s not coming up,” he lied.

“Ha! You think I don’t listen when you tell me things...you said last week that you had to get your license plates renewed by the end of this month. So it has to be around your birthday, doesn’t it? Stop bluffing, and tell me when it is.”

“Next Tuesday,” Gus muttered. “You sneaky little fiend.”

“I’m not sneaky,” Adam said, unbearably smug. “I’m just very good at ferreting out information.”

“Why can’t you just send me a card?”

“I don’t want to send you a card,” Adam said gently. “I want to send you a plane ticket.” After a moment he said even more softly, “Please?”

Gus put his head in his hands. “Don’t you do that to me! Don’t drop that voice and start whispering at me...when you do that I couldn’t say no to you if you were asking me to jump off the roof.”

“So is that a yes?”

Gus closed his eyes. He was lost, and Adam knew it.

“Yes,” he said.


	7. Chapter 7

If Gus had any reservations about his decision, he got absolutely no sympathy from Michelle McGavison.

“Either you go, or I will,” she shouted at him after Gus had spent ten minutes agonizing about it over the phone. “I’ll even put you on that damn plane myself if I have to. What the hell is wrong with you?”  
   
“How about I’ve lost my mind?” said Gus helplessly. “Come on, Michelle...things are impossible enough as it is. What makes you think that a couple of weeks is going to make things any better?”  
   
“If you don’t want to go, why didn’t you just tell him that? Yes, I know why, you moron...it’s a rhetorical question. So you want to go, and he wants you to go. You want to see him and he wants to see you. I can’t pin down the problem here...explain it to me.”  
   
“You’re worse than Tommy.”

“Why, has he been trying to make you see sense as well?”  
   
Gus gritted his teeth. “Oh, Tommy started on me weeks ago. I should give him your number. The two of you can plot together.”  
   
“Feel free,” snapped Michelle. “Why don’t you give me Adam’s number while you’re at it? Since I know you better than anyone else in this world, I can give him some pointers on what buttons to push.”  
   
“Oh, he doesn’t need any pointers. Buttons are already being pushed all over the place.”  
   
Michelle went uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. “Then I’m going to push one more. I’m sure you know what Nick would’ve said about all this.”  
   
“I _knew_ it," said Gus. “I knew you’d throw that at me sooner or later.”  
   
“You always said he gave great advice.”

 “Mr. Overprotective? The man who used to run background checks on my dates? Yeah, I can see him encouraging me to run off to California for two weeks to hang out with some musicians.”  
   
“He would be telling you the same thing I am. Go.”  
   
“It’s not the _going_ part I’m worried about,” Gus said bleakly. “It’s the coming home part.”

 

* * * *

The next ten days were a nightmare. Last minute pressures were getting to Gus and the sheer exhaustion of wrapping up a cross continent tour was getting to Adam. It cheered Gus up no end when his plane ticket arrived by courier on Wednesday, although he nearly fell off his chair when he saw it was First Class.

“That wasn’t necessary,” he reproved Adam.

“Shut up,” Adam replied. “And Happy Birthday. You’re just going to have to put up with me spoiling you. You are going to leave work on time on Thursday, aren’t you?”  
   
Gus tried his best, but to his dismay, the staff decided to throw him a goodbye party on his last afternoon. Since nobody other than Michelle knew of Gus’s plans, he could hardly tell them that he needed to rush off to be at the airport, and subsequently arrived late and nearly missed the plane.

Matters were not helped when a passenger got out of hand during the first part of the flight and the plane diverted to New York to have him forcibly removed. Nervous about flying (for starters), badly stressed by his last days at work and second-guessing himself about the wisdom of the whole trip anyway, Gus was almost a basket case by the time the plane touched down in Los Angeles nearly two hours behind schedule.

He fled through Customs without any idea of what to expect on the other side. Adam had promised that someone would pick him up, but hadn’t been specific about whom. If it hadn’t been so late, he wouldn’t have put it past Adam to have turned up himself. But, to his relief, Jeremy was waiting for him at Arrivals. Jeremy flashed him a welcoming smile, then bundled him hurriedly into a car.

“We’re cutting it close,” he said, “Let’s just hope that the traffic co-operates.”  
   
Noting the state Gus was in, Jeremy tried his best to ease his nervousness during the drive. “Everybody’s looking forward to seeing you, you know. But you should be prepared...things are a little different here than they are when Adam is touring. This is home. Things can get a little intense.”  
   
The pandemonium around the stadium was evidence of that. When they pulled up in the garage, Jeremy told Gus to leave his bags where they were and rushed him inside. It was nearly eight o’clock when they arrived backstage, and at first, Gus was afraid he’d missed the opening number. But judging by the number of people milling around in agitation, it appeared that he wasn’t the only one that was running late.

“Better move over,” Jeremy advised, taking Gus off to one side. Sure enough, he was nearly knocked down by Tommy as he went bolting past at a dead run. Catching sight of Gus, Tommy doubled back, gave him one of his usual exuberant hugs and then kept going. In the stampede of people that followed, Gus identified the stage crew and most of the dancers, and then finally, the rest of the band.  
   
When he spotted Adam, there was such a rush of emotion that he found he was shaking and had absolutely no voice. Adam looked flushed and focused, wound very tight and high on adrenaline, but the moment he saw Gus he lit up even more. Detouring around the stage manager who was trying to get him to hurry up, Adam grabbed Gus by both hands and stopped only long enough to press a kiss on his temple and give him a breathless smile.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Gus said stupidly, but Adam was so obviously pleased to see him that Gus knew it didn’t matter. “My flight got diverted.”  
   
“I know. I’ve been calling the airport. Never mind...you can tell me later. Jeremy will take you out,” he called back over his shoulder as the insistent stage manager towed him away.

Gus tried to be nonchalant this time as Jeremy walked him out front. So close to the beginning of the show, the hometown crowd was nearly hysterical and he had no idea what Jeremy was trying to say to him as he escorted Gus to his seat. With a shrug and a smile, he left Gus at his seat and took up his usual position near the edge of the stage.

Gus was more prepared this time when Adam made his way around to his side of the stage and searched until Adam spotted him. Some of his nervousness had eased off, and he waved at Adam, then at Tommy when Adam stopped Tommy to point Gus out.

By midway through the show she had managed to relax enough to concentrate on simply enjoying it. It was obvious that Adam was especially keyed up for the last show, and as it started to near the end, he began fooling around more than usual. During ‘Fever’, Adam kissed Tommy longer and more aggressively than usual. In the middle of another song, he started licking and deep-throating his microphone.

Occasionally, Adam would lean down the stage, high-fiving the fans in the front row. In Gus’s opinion, this was a bit on the reckless side, as not even the swarm of security people around the stage could have done anything if enough fans had grabbed hold of him and refused to let go. Adam had only done it once or twice in Toronto; as this was the last show, he was clearly pushing the limits more than usual.

At the start of the encore, he caught sight of Tommy as he came down to his side of the seats during the introduction part and walked along the front of the barrier patting hands as he went. As Gus was already standing up with the rest of the crowd anyway, he went along with the rest of them and went up to the barrier, hung over the edge of it as Tommy went by and grinned at him.

When Tommy paused, Gus thought for one awful moment that Tommy was going to reach over and hug him. Not wanting to be singled out, he tried to back up and found there were too many fans crowded around him. Then to his complete dismay, Tommy grabbed hold of his hand and crooked one finger at him in invitation.

Horrified, Gus shook his head and tried to yank his hand free. But Tommy had his fingers gripped around his wrist and appeared to have no intention of letting him go.

Jeremy had come up beside him. Looking somewhat apologetic, Tommy inserted himself between Gus and the crush of people around him and pulled back one of the barriers far enough to allow him through. Short of causing a scene (and the fans around him were already staring at him like he’d lost his mind), he had no choice but to let Tommy pull him through, at which point he tightened his grip on his wrist and towed him, protesting all the way, up on to the stage.

Gus’ first thought was “Wow, it’s really hot up here,” and then he dared to raise his head and nearly died at the sight of an entire venue of people staring back at him. The band had kicked into “Music Again,” and Brooke put one arm through his and half-danced, half-dragged Gus across the stage until she met up with Terrance.

Without missing a beat, Terrance took his other hand and swung him around hard, apparently taking a great amount of satisfaction in his complete embarrassment. But Gus hadn’t survived five years undercover by being a poor performer, and some kind of sadistic improvisational skill suddenly kicked in over the panic. When Terrance tried to stop, he kept going, spinning Terrance around in a circle hard. Then he let go, and Terrance stumbled a few steps before he recovered, looked over at him and raised his eyes heavenward.

Wisely, Adam revised his original plan of dancing with Gus himself, since the look on Gus’ face strongly suggested he was more likely to kick him in the shins if he gave him the opportunity. Instead he just took Gus’ hand and sang to him while he led him across the stage. It was impossible not to get caught up in the feeling of being the centre of his attention in the middle of thousands of other people, and by the time Adam had Gus back around to Tommy’s side, Gus had given up any hope of staying angry at him.

“But don’t think I won’t get you for this,” he murmured to Tommy beneath his breath.

Tommy took him back to the end of the stage, where he made a great show of hugging him before he handed Gus back to Jeremy to be returned to his seat. Gus sank onto the chair and tried to ignore the excited chatter of the fans around him, suddenly so flustered and hot that he completely missed the end of the song and the finale that followed. It was some consolation was that he was so far away from home that nobody could have possibly recognized him, but now that the moment was over, the realization of being put on display in such a public manner made him distinctly uncomfortable.

Jeremy came to get him after the crowd had cleared.

“I did try to warn you,” he said. “Sorry. I was coerced.”

“I’m sure you were,” Gus replied. “Don’t worry...you’re way down on my list of people to get even with.”  
Backstage, the wild antics continued. Adam came looking for Gus almost immediately, absolutely soaked but still in tearing spirits, and pulled him out of the line of fire as another water balloon fight erupted.

“I’m sure you probably want to kill me,” he said, trying to look contrite as possible and failing miserably. “Would it make you feel any better if I told you it was Tommy’s idea?”

“Probably not, but I’ll make a note of it,” Gus retorted, unable to hide his smile. “And if I wasn’t so glad to see you, I’d get right back on a plane and go home.”

It was hardly the place for a private moment, but Adam still slid his arms around him and hugged Gus against him.

“You’re all wet,” Gus muttered against Adam’s shoulder. “Not that I’m complaining.”

He fully expected that the last show would have been followed by a wild party. Based on what he’d seen so far, everyone was so keyed up that he doubted they could have made it through the rest of the night without somebody getting arrested. But Adam explained to him that, since much of the crew was still working at dismantling and packing up the stage and equipment, the final get-together had been scheduled for the following day.

“In the afternoon I’m taking everybody out,” he told Gus. “And then I’ve booked one of the big rooms at the hotel for a party Tomorrow night.”

In the dressing room, Gus hung back a bit self-consciously since the room was jammed with people. When he noticed Gus was hugging the wall, Adam took a firm grip on his hand and kept Gus beside him as he went around with a few words to say to everybody.

Tommy sidled up to Gus the moment he arrived, looking distinctly uncertain of the reception he was going to get. Indulgently, Gus walked into his arms and hugged him.

“I guess I got a little carried away,” Tommy admitted. “I just thought it was great that you were coming down. If you recall, I was the one that suggested it to you about a month ago.”

“You did?” said Adam, startled.

“Ouch,” said Tommy. Gus had elbowed him in the ribs.

“That’s enough out of you,” he muttered. “And you’d better watch your back from now on. I might forgive, but I never forget.”

“I’m going to get changed,” Adam said. “But come here; there are people I want you to meet first.”

Still too nervous to take much in, Gus shook hands and mumbled his way through another bewildering round of introductions. When Adam finally left him in the care of Isaac’s mother who had come to watch the last show, she took one look at the utterly confused expression on Gus’ face and very kindly explained it all again.

“I’m not usually as brain-dead as this,” Gus said, gratefully. “But I still haven’t quite gotten over the shock of being tonight’s guest star.”

“There’s no telling what these kids do on the last night of a tour,” she admitted. “But you did very well, considering.” She shook her head with a smile. “And you put Isaac in his place. He told me about playing pool with you I’m sorry I wasn’t there...I would have paid to see that.”

“I did give him back his hat,” said Gus. “Speak of the devil,” he added, as Isaac appeared over his mother’s shoulder.

“Are you here again?” he sighed. “I was quite sure I told Security to keep you out.”

“Leave him alone,” His mother said firmly. “Anyone who can take you down a peg or two should be put on the payroll. And if you had any manners...oh, never mind rolling your eyes at me...Gus, this is Isaac’s wife Sophie.”

“I’m with your mom,” said Sophie, holding out her hand. “Heaven knows the rest of us can’t control him. Look, it will be another three-quarters of an hour at least before anyone manage to get ready to go. Come on, and we’ll go get a drink.”

He took Gus next door to one of large lounges where there was a congregation of family and friends. She introduced him to Monte’s wife Lisa and between the two of them, they managed to make Gus feel as welcome as possible despite his nervousness.

“If you’re worried about feeling out of place, don’t,” Lisa said. “We’ve all heard enough about you in the last month to feel like we’ve known you at least that long.”

“I’m still not sure I did the right thing by coming down here,” Gus admitted. “But somebody wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Sophie and Lisa exchanged amused glances.

“I’m sure you took some convincing,” said Sophie.

Despite himself, Gus grinned. “Okay. He didn’t have to twist my arm too much. I guess I was pretty self-motivated.” He looked around and, in the process, caught sight of Adam, Monte and Terrance as they came in.

“Ah, my dirty-dancing partner,” Terrance said, hooking one arm around Gus’ neck and nearly strangling him. “Nice to see you.”

“I’d like to say the same,” Gus said, going pink with the reminder. “But if I’d known what you clowns were going to pull, I’d have stayed home.”

Monte held up both hands. “Don’t look at me. I tried to talk them out of it. You poor thing...I’m amazed you didn’t have a heart attack.”

“You okay?” Adam said to Gus in an undertone. When Gus nodded, he added, “I told Jeremy to throw your stuff in our car. Are you ready to go?”

“That would be a stupid question,” he smiled. “Since I haven’t got a clue where we’re going.”

“You might as well go ahead,” Sophie said with a sigh. “Since there’s no point in us all waiting for Isaac. If he’s ready by morning, we’ll meet you there.”

On the way out, they ran into Tommy in the hallway, and they all piled into the limo in the parking garage.

“You’ve been practicing, I see,” Gus remarked when Adam managed to get in without falling.

“Very funny,” he replied. At everyone else’s puzzled expressions, he muttered, “And the rest of you can mind your own business.”

On the drive back to the hotel, Gus had the opportunity to watch Adam surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye and noticed that now that the immediate excitement of the show had worn off, Adam was looking desperately tired and thinner than he should have been. Unconsciously, Gus slid his fingers down Adam’s arm and into his palm, and when Adam glanced up at his touch, he couldn’t stop his mouth from curving into a soft smile.

“What?” Adam said, close to his ear.

“Nothing,” he murmured. “I’m just very glad to see you, that’s all.”

At the hotel, he was astonished at the absolute crush of fans.

Jeremy slid back the divider and poked his head through from the front seat. “Looks like a toss-up, guys. What’s the vote...back or front?”

“Pick one,” said Monte, tiredly. “It doesn’t make any difference to me.”

Jeremy chose the front, by virtue of being able to get the car closer to the door. As they pulled up, Lisa leaned over and said to Gus, “We go first. Just follow me and don’t stop. Smile, wave...do whatever you want, but don’t stop. Not even once we get inside, okay?”

“I’ve run a few gauntlets in my time,” said Gus, but he didn’t seem overly thrilled at the prospect.

When Jeremy pulled the door open, Lisa smoothly stepped out, took just a second to make sure that Gus was right on her heels, then walked straight into the hotel without a backwards glance. Aware of flashbulbs and staring faces, Gus dropped his head and stared at the floor all the way through the lobby.

“Wait here,” Lisa said when they reached the private elevator. The two of them hung back out of view and it was several minutes later before a series of screams indicated that Adam had emerged from the car. Shortly thereafter, they piled hurriedly into the elevator, followed immediately by Jeremy, who punched the button to close the doors.

“God, that was awful,” Gus muttered. Noting his tense face and clenched hands, Adam put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently.

“Actually,” said Tommy. “That wasn’t too bad. It’s been worse, believe me.”

“Not when you’re not used to it,” said Jeremy, sharply.

Astonished at Jeremy’s sudden defense of him, Gus flashed him a shaky smile and he smiled back and said stoutly, “You did fine.”

Awkwardness overcame Gus again when the elevator stopped and Adam motioned him out, leaving everyone else to continue upstairs without them. In the first moment they’d had alone since he’d arrived, he went completely blank and had absolutely no idea what to say.

Adam, on the other hand, started stumbling over words the moment the elevator doors closed. “I’m sorry about tonight, Gus,” he said gruffly. “Jeremy is right. I shouldn’t have made you ride over here with us and I shouldn’t have let Tommy talk me into dragging you on stage tonight.”

“It’s not your fault I hate to be stared at,” Gus said in an attempt at levity.

“No, but I should know better. I promise I’ll try and use my head a little more.”

There was no way for Adam to know how much it had rattled him, but he was touched by Adam’s concern. “Don’t worry about it,” he murmured. “I’m sure you’ve got a lot of other things on your mind.”

Adam glanced sideways at him briefly, then dropped his eyes to the floor. “Well, actually...no,” he said, sheepishly. “I haven’t had much on my mind except you for quite some time. Ask anybody.”

Tongue-tied again, Gus followed Adam to the end of the hallway, where he unlocked a door for her and handed her the key-card. “There’s security on this floor, so don’t be surprised when you see them around. Somebody will bring your stuff up when they’ve unloaded the car.”

Gus went in ahead of Adam, flicked on the lights and turned to find Adam hovering in the doorway.

“Nice room,” he said. “Where’s yours?”

Adam pointed up and then cleared his throat. “Did you manage to get any dinner?”

“No...”

“If you’re hungry, I can call down and order you something.”

“No, thanks. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? It’s not a problem.”

“Really, I’m not hungry.”

“You couldn’t possibly have had time to eat.”

“Since I wasn’t hungry, that wasn’t a problem,” he said, then desperately, “You’re making me very nervous, do you know that?”

“Good,” Adam muttered. “I’d hate to be the only nervous one here.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” he said, now completely flustered. He took two steps forward, and hauled Adam across the threshold. “Will you come in here and talk to me please?”

“I would,” Adam said, regretfully. “But believe it or not, I have an interview. I’m sorry...I don’t normally do this, but it’s for an old friend of mine who’s really been good to me. I promised I’d give him some time tonight.”

“But look,” he added, taking Gus by both hands. “I know your last day at work must have been rough, and you must be wiped out. It’s probably better if you get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day. So, although I’d like to...” He bent forward and touched his forehead lightly to Gus. “...I’m not going to come back when I’m done. I’ll just say goodnight and see you in the morning.”

“I am pretty tired,” he admitted softly. “Go on, then. Just remember, you always give me a hard time about working late.”

Adam smiled at that reminder, and some of the awkwardness dropped away but he was still very tentative as he leaned his head down to Gus’.

Gus wasn’t sure which sensation hit him the hardest, the touch of one warm hand sliding up his arm, the touch of Adam’s fingers brushing his throat or the touch of Adam’s mouth on the very corner of his, as if Adam wanted to kiss him properly but was afraid to. Overwhelming it all was the utter, utter relief that he had come all this way and was still as shattered by it as the first time Adam had kissed him. When he opened his eyes and found Adam watching him anxiously, he realized Adam was searching for the same reassurance.

“Excuse me, but I’ve just travelled several thousand miles to see you,” he said in mock severity. “Surely you can do better than that.”

Adam’s eyes widened slightly at the challenge, but he didn’t hesitate and this time was satisfied at Gus’ sudden intake of breath and the shiver that ran through him. Adam was intent on making sure that Gus had nothing further to complain about when somebody knocked on the door.

It was Kevin, another one of the security guards, with Gus’s luggage and a reminder for Adam.

“They’re ready for you upstairs,” he said.

Adam still had hold of one of Gus’s hands and was not at all happy about the interruption. “The reporter is not here yet,” he snapped. “So what’s the rush?”

“He just got here,” said Kevin, unruffled. “He’s upstairs. Waiting for you.”

He nodded at Gus, who thanked him, and then stood holding the door open, so obviously unperturbed by Adam’s scowl that Gus had to struggle not to laugh.

He put one hand on Adam’s chest and gave him a gentle push.

“Go on,” he said. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He tilted his head and pressed a kiss against the curve of Adam’s jaw and felt his fingers tighten on his in response. With a rueful sigh, Adam murmured goodnight to him and followed Kevin out.


	8. Chapter 8

Despite being extremely wound up, Gus fell into an unexpected, exhausted sleep and slept straight through until eight the next morning.  It took him several long seconds to remember where he was when he awoke, and several even longer seconds before the all of the memories of the previous evening kicked in.

From that point on he made a definite effort not to think about the concert.  

Restlessly, he wandered out onto the tiny balcony and looked down, astonished to see that there was still a large group of fans clustered around the front entrance. While some had obviously just dropped by out of curiosity, some had clearly been there all night. He was beginning to realize that Jeremy had been quite serious about the intensity of the hometown fans, and another nagging worry began forming in the back of his mind.  
   
Tommy phoned him just as he was getting out of the shower.

“You sound like you’re still half asleep,” he teased Tommy.

“I am. It takes a lot to get me out of bed when I could be sleeping in, believe me. But since Adam won’t be making an appearance until somebody throws a bucket of water over him, I thought somebody should at least take you to breakfast.”

He banged on Gus’ door about twenty minutes later and found him ransacking his bags for his sunglasses. For lack of any advance wardrobe advice, he had thrown on denim shorts and a plain white T-shirt.

“Please tell me I don’t look like a tourist,” he said when Tommy looked him up and down.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say,” Tommy said, trying not to stare too hard. “Ah, no,” he corrected, when Gus found his shades and slid them on. “No one wears those inside. Try this.”

He slid the glasses up until they were perched on top of Gus’ head.

“Thanks, Mom,” he said with a straight face.

“There. Now you look like a million bucks.” Unable to help himself, Tommy put both arms around Gus and hugged him briefly. “And in case I haven’t already mentioned it, I’m very you’re here.”

“Me too,” Gus said. “But I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t absolutely petrified. I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing by coming down.”

“You have,” Tommy said, firmly. “And don’t worry; I’ll watch out for you. Why do you think I’m here?”

Upstairs, there was a large lounge where a breakfast buffet had been laid out to avoid, Tommy explained, the necessity of venturing out to eat or being stuck in their rooms. In the roomful of people, Gus recognized several from the previous night and some from Toronto and they all nodded cheerfully to him in passing.

David Ellison passed by and stopped to say hello. “Nice to see you again,” he said, giving Gus the distinct impression that he was anything but. “I hear you’ll be coming with us today.”

Gus looked at Tommy, who frowned. “Yes, David. He’s coming with us. Did you think Adam was going to leave him here all afternoon?”

“No,” David said coolly. “I just want to warn you that there will be a lot going on and things will be moving pretty quickly. You’ll really have to watch your step to keep up, but I’d appreciate it if you would try to keep a low profile when you’re out with Adam.”

“All those years of undercover work might finally come in handy,” Gus said in as polite a voice as he could muster while still kicking Tommy under the table to stop him laughing.

David had the decency to look mildly embarrassed and after muttering a few more pleasantries, he beat a hasty retreat.

“I have never seen that man as freaked out over anybody as he is over you,” Tommy said, shaking his head. “I think you make him nervous. You should have seen the look on his face when Adam told him he was inviting you down here.”

“I’m sure he wasn’t the only one,” Gus said with a smile, despite being clearly bothered by the thought. But Tommy hadn’t lost his ability to calm Gus down and by the time they had finished eating, his natural good humor had been restored.

“Since I don’t have a clue what’s planned for today,” Gus prodded him. “Would you mind filling me in?”

Tommy looked startled. “Didn’t Adam tell you?”

“That would have involved conversation,” Gus said dryly. “I hardly had time to say hello to him before he had to rush off for his interview.”

“Well, this afternoon is the ‘thank you’ to all the people who’ve been involved in the tour and the album and all the promotions. Adam’s trying to cover everybody from the people at the record label to the radio stations to all the people who actually went on the tour to all the people who ran the show from here while we were gone. He wracked his brains trying to come up with something that everybody would enjoy, which isn't easy when you talking about so many people. Plus, there are so many that travel with us and are away from their families for months at a time, so Adam usually lets them invite their spouses and kids as well. I haven’t seen the final list, but last I heard it was up over a thousand people."

Gus’ mouth dropped open. "Guess that rules out a backyard barbeque, then doesn't it?"

"Pretty much," Tommy grinned. "So he’s sort of rented a circus."

"You mean like lions and tigers?" Gus said startled.

"No, I mean Cirque du Soleil. Ever heard of them?"

Gus’ eyebrows went up. "Well, gee...If you're referring to the same Cirque du Soleil that originated in Canada...then yes, Tommy; I've heard of them. I've seen several of their shows as a matter of fact. I didn't know they had one here."

"They do. So Adam’s arranged a special performance this afternoon. Their theatre seats about fifteen hundred, and he figured the kids would like it as much as the adults."

"I think I can probably handle that.  And then what?"

"Then a party here, tonight. Something a little bit fancy."

"How fancy?" said Gus in dismay. "We're not talking Academy-Awards-fancy here, are we?"

"No."

"Good. My tux is at the cleaners."

"Don't go getting all nervous again. That guest list is a lot smaller and there will be lots of people there you've already met. Besides, like I said, I'll keep an eye on you... _since SOMEBODY apparently can't be bothered_!" he shouted across the room as Adam finally wandered in.

"And since when are you so bright eyed and bushy-tailed first thing in the morning?" Adam muttered at Tommy as he dropped into the seat next to Gus.

"Since I wanted to make sure that somebody was looking after your guest," Tommy said pointedly.

Adam ignored him. Leaning across to kiss Gus on the cheek, he murmured in his ear, "And how are you this morning?"

"Fine," Gus said softly. "Tommy's just been giving me the day's itinerary."

"Fortunately we don't leave until after lunch. I might be awake by then."

There was a huge open-air deck at the end of the room where they spent the rest of the morning just lying around in the sun and talking. It amused Gus no end that despite the repeated crash of Adam dropping hints, Tommy apparently had no intention of buzzing off and leaving them alone. In fact, by the time lunch rolled around, there were more than two dozen other people out there with them, including Isaac’s wife and mom, who promptly sat down next to Gus and drew him into conversation.

He looked across at where Adam was talking with Isaac and grinned at him. Adam shrugged apologetically but when Gus went inside to get himself something to drink, Adam caught up with him at the bar and leaned over his shoulder from behind.

“Excuse me...are you new here?” he said ruefully. “I’m sure I’ve seen you somewhere before. Did you come down here to see someone specially or just everybody in general?”

“Now be nice,” Gus chided, leaning his head in against Adam’s for just a moment. “Everyone is really going out of their way to make me feel comfortable. I suspect that had something to do with the look of utter panic I must have had on my face this morning. This is a little bit overwhelming for me...you do realize that, don’t you?”  
   
“You sure you’re just not getting back at me for sleeping in?”

“I’m sure. Besides, I figured you needed to sleep in. You were looking pretty tired last night.”

“I always look that way at the end of a tour,” he said with a sigh. “I usually don’t start to feel human again for about a week. Not that having you here doesn’t help,” he added hastily, when Gus raised his eyebrows. “I mean...oh, never mind.”

“You should quit while you’re ahead,” Gus teased him. Adam was standing close enough that it seemed very natural to want to brush against him as Gus reached for a bottle of water, but he was aware of too many pairs of eyes watching them curiously. Instead, he just turned his head so that only Adam could hear him and said low, “And by the way, you know perfectly well there’s only one person I came down here to see.”

“Good,” Adam said, sliding one hand into his. “In that case, maybe you’ll come and sit with me now, and if anybody else tries to take you off me, I’m going to drift them one.”

He made a point of staying close to Gus from that point on, to the extent that Gus had absolutely no break from the rush of warmth he got from being with Adam. Gus still felt himself flush every time Adam glanced up and caught Gus watching him, but as the day wore on, he found himself becoming more and more relaxed in Adam’s company. By the time they were scheduled to leave that afternoon, Gus was astonished to find that most of his uneasiness had worn off and he had been drawn into the antics of the others as if he had always been part of the group.

The bus ride to the theatre was predictably rambunctious. To give Gus a break from the worst of the rowdiness, Adam steered him into a window seat at the very back. Once they were underway, they had a brief period of relative privacy, as the high backs of the seats blocked them from the view of most of the rest of the passengers. Tommy poked his head over the back of the seat in front of them only once, and got swatted for his efforts.

“Will you go away? Adam said irritably. “Find your own girl…or boy, and leave mine alone.”

“Easy for you to say,” Tommy said, flashing Gus a smile before he ducked, and added loudly, “But if he neglects you again, Gus...come and see me. I won’t make the same mistake.”  
When they arrived at the theatre, there were more than a dozen buses already there, and several hundreds of people gathering near the entrance.

If David Ellison and Gus were both worried about him standing out too much while he was out in public with the band, it quickly became apparent that there were so many people at this particular event that nobody could really tell who was with whom. The press was conspicuously absent, to Gus’s relief, although both he and Adam were very careful to be circumspect around each other when they were in the view of the other guests.

“Give me fifteen minutes,” Adam said to Gus, when they stepped off the bus into the sun. “I’ll catch up with you inside.”  
   
Gus looked askance at Sophie, who leaned over and whispered to him as they walked up the entrance. “They’ll walk around for awhile and let everybody see them and say hi to all the kids and stuff. If they do it now, it saves them being pestered too much once they get inside.”  
   
“How do you get used to all this?” Gus whispered back.

Sophie looked startled, then she shrugged. “Once you know what to expect, it’s not too bad. The tricky part is that you never know when the unexpected is going to happen. Then you just have to keep your head down and ride it out. It’ll get easier; honest. Are things going okay so far?”

“I think so. I mean, I’ve stopped shaking like a leaf so some of the nerves must be wearing off. But I still can’t believe how rattled I get by all of this. I’ve been in some incredibly tense situations in my life, and this one just makes me go to pieces. It was easier when people were just shooting at me.”

“Maybe that’s more the company than the situation,” Sophie said mildly, and at Gus’s sudden blush, added, “Look, I know it’s rough. It’s bad enough trying to get to know somebody when it’s only the two of you. Tomorrow this will all be over. It’s a lot different when you can get out from under a tour, believe me.”

It took quite awhile to get everyone seated. Gus found himself down front between Adam and Tommy, with the rest of the band scattered around the ring in various places. The moment the lights went down, Adam dropped one hand casually over the armrest and let his fingers brush against Gus’s arm, but otherwise was careful not to be any more demonstrative than that.

Gus had attended Cirque du Soleil shows before, but it in no way diminished the effect of the drama and the emotion of this one from the moment the lights went down. Between the music, the sheer spectacle of the staging and the breathtaking impossibility of it all, the entire audience was rendered absolutely awestruck for the entire performance.

Part way through, during one of the particularly difficult trapeze routines, Gus leaned across to Adam and whispered, “So, are you taking notes for the next tour?”

“Not on your life,” he muttered back at him. “Thanks.”

“Chicken.”

“Shut up.”

They murmured back and forth during the show, and Adam was gratified to see that Gus was clearly having a good time. After a prolonged ovation at the end of the final act, he went down onto the stage and spent some time thanking the crowd. Then in appreciation for the special performance, he disappeared backstage to meet the Cirque du Soleil cast, while everyone else filed back out.

Cooped up on the bus, waiting for the Adam and his band (“Story of my life,” said Sophie), they fell into a discussion about the party that evening.

“What are you wearing?” Sutan said to Gus.

“I was afraid someone was going to ask me that,” Gus said glumly. “I didn’t exactly pack anything appropriate.”

“No problem,” said Terrance. “We’ve got time. We’ll crash our closets and see if there’s anything you want to borrow. If all else fails, we’ll go shopping.”

“I heard that,” said Adam, appearing in the aisle. “This sounds like a plot to me.”

Sutan narrowed his eyes at him. “And what are your plans for the rest of the day? Yeah, that’s what I thought; you will be tied up from now until this evening...so we have to do something to amuse ourselves.”

“You don’t mind, do you?” Gus said aside to Adam.

“Me, mind? If it means I don’t have to listen to another lecture from Tommy about how I’m not looking after you, I’m all for it.”

As good as his word, Sutan took Gus straight up to his room when they arrived back at the hotel, and turned him loose on his wardrobe.

“You brought all this with you?” Gus said, openmouthed.

“We go out a lot,” Sutan said. “And I’ll be damned if I let Adam have more outfits that me. Here, try this on.”

The list of possible outfits was actually much tighter than it appeared, by virtue of the fact that Gus carefully avoided anything too revealing, especially on the back. After several attempts, he came out of the bathroom still looking doubtful, but Sutan immediately snapped his fingers.

“Okay, _that_ ’s it.”

“Are you sure?” said Gus dubiously. “Isn’t it a little tight?”

It was, admittedly, quite a bit tighter than he had worn for a very long time, despite the fact that he knew it flattered his willowy figure. The fabric reflected light when he moved, but the style was plain enough that he didn’t feel overly conspicuous.

“You said you didn’t want to feel conspicuous. That’s about as low-key as I get, believe me.”

“No, it’s nice. I’m just not sure it’s my style, that’s all.”

“It is. Take my word for it. So get changed and hang that up for now, and we’ll go get dinner.”

He took Gus down the hall where Sophie, Lisa and other people from the entourage had ordered up room service. Nerves were creeping up on Gus again, especially when he saw some of the lengths that the other people were going to in preparation for the evening. It had been a long time since he had paid any attention to dressing up for anything, let alone for something like this.

“Will you relax?” said Sutan. “Have something to eat and stop worrying. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll probably look better than the rest of us put together.”

A couple of hours later, Gus was beginning to feel like a Ken doll. Not only was he subjected to wardrobe appraisal (again), he had to sit through hair by Sutan.

“If you put anymore gel on my hair, I’m not going to be able to hold my head up,” he snapped finally. “Enough! Yes, it looks great...thank you.”

His hair looked shiny and a bit spiky. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he was able to admit to himself that he did look pretty good. Since her only concession to cosmetics was the sun block, it was quite a shock to see himself cleaned up like that. It was reminiscent of fundraising dinners and cocktail parties from several years before, and the reminder wasn’t a pleasant one.

He thanked Sutan repeatedly. “I would have been in a panic without you.”

Sutan waved a hand. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help. I can get ready for these things in my sleep these days...will you stop looking at your watch? God, you’re jumpy. Haven’t you ever been to any big parties lately?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Gus. “Most recently, ones full of lawyers, cops, politicians, string quartets and waiters in white coats. I’m sure this will be very similar.”

About twenty minutes later, David called up looking for Sutan. With a reluctant Gus in tow, they trooped out into the elevator and went up to where the ballroom, with its backlit dance floor and huge skylights, was already crowded with people.

“What now?” said Gus to Sutan, hovering outside the doors. “Do we get a fanfare? Does somebody bang a gong or something?”

Sutan grinned. “No, you go in with Adam. Whenever he decides to get here.”

“We are here,” Isaac said, startling Gus from behind. “Whoa...sorry. Nervous are we?”

“Will you all stop saying that?” Gus said between his teeth. “You’re not helping.” He stood back to see Isaac better and blurted, “Oh my God, you rolled some poor Cirque du Soleil performer for that outfit, didn’t you? I knew there was a reason you went backstage.”

“Fine. Be like that. Then I’m not going to even bother telling you that you look nice. Plain, but nice. Your outfit could use a hat, though. Ouch. What? What did I say?”

“Don’t wind him up,” Sophie reproved him. “He looks wound up enough as it is.”

“Doesn’t seem to affect the wise-ass remarks,” Isaac replied, rubbing his arm where he’d been elbowed.

Over Isaac’s shoulder, Gus caught sight of Tommy in the crowd, flagged him down and mouthed, “Help!” at him. Abandoning the girl he was talking to, Tommy immediately slid in beside Gus.

“For heaven’s sake, keep an eye out for Adam, will you?” Sophie said to him. “Before Gus has a stroke or something?”

“Sure,” he said. “You guys go ahead,” and when Isaac and Sophie had moved off, he put both hands on Gus’s shoulders and ran his eyes over him from top to bottom. “Dude, you look nice.

“Thank you,” Gus said self-consciously. There was no doubt that Tommy meant what he said, but the fact remained that the one person whose opinion mattered the most to him still hadn’t shown up.

When Adam did finally arrive, Gus nearly did a double take, then said a brief prayer of thanks at all the trouble he’d taken with his own appearance. Unlike Isaac, or even Tommy, who had opted for something very trendy, Adam had settled on something much more stylish, a midnight black jacket and pants, cut very narrow to emphasize his long frame, and a dark brocade vest over a black shirt and dark tie.

Gus went absolutely dry at the mouth when Adam walked up to him and only barely registered his long, admiring look. Taking his cue for once, Tommy muttered that he’d see them inside and then disappeared with a group of his friends.

“So this is what you’ve been doing all afternoon?” Adam said with a smile, dropping his head next to Gus’ so that he wouldn’t be overheard.  “Wow, you’re gorgeous.”

“I’ve got gorgeous company,” Gus said softly, breathing in warm traces of cologne. “Sutan decked me out. I wasn’t quite prepared for this.”

“And what about now? Are you ready to party?”

His insides were doing somersaults, just as much from the way Adam was looking at him as from the thought of Adam leading him into a room full of people who would obviously be watching them. He suddenly had a brief, freaky flashback to the words from the show earlier that day... _it was no longer possible to tell where one world began, and the other ended._

“Oh, my God,” he thought to himself. “I must be stark raving mad.”

He held out one hand to Adam, and he felt Adam’s fingers close reassuringly over his.

“Let’s go,” he said.


	9. Chapter 9

One of the benefits of being an undercover cop is that you develop the ability to fake your way through just about anything. Having set his mind to it, Gus was able to slide into the swing of things without too much trouble, reassured by the fact that he already knew a lot of the people there and by the fact that Adam made a point of trying to stick close as much as possible

Sasha had come up with the idea of presenting a series of mock awards in recognition of a successful tour and the first part of the evening was spent pretty much taking the mickey out of anyone and everyone. Gus held his breath every time Sasha looked in his direction, fearing that some kind of honor would be coming his way. But either Sasha had suffered an attack of sensitivity for his position or somebody had warned her off, and while Gus wasn’t singled out for anything in particular, she still seemed to take an inordinate amount of pleasure in making him nervous by pausing and raising her eyebrows at him with every new announcement.

When nobody else was looking, he stuck his tongue out at her.

“You were _this_ close,” she said to him afterward. “So you owe me one. I’ll be back to dance with you later.”  
   
“Not if I see you first, but thanks for the warning,” Gus replied. “I still haven’t recovered from the last time I danced.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “I thought you danced pretty good for...well, for somebody’s who’s...you know...older.”

He looked over the rim of his wineglass at her. “Just remember, the ‘most likely to get smacked tonight’ award still hasn’t been handed out, and your chances are starting to look damn good. You’d better think twice about making comments like that to me, if you’re actually planning on ever getting any...you know... _older_.”

Grinning, Sasha disappeared into the crowd.

None of the euphoria of the previous evening appeared to have worn off. In fact, having had twenty-four hours to get their breath back, everyone seemed determined to have as good a time as possible, especially as this was the last opportunity that many of them would have to be together for some time. It was very easy to get caught up in the high spirits and Gus, having spent a considerable amount of time in the company of hard-living teens and hard-living police officers, found that he had no difficulty keeping up with the pace...once he loosened up a little.

He spent a lot of the evening on the dance floor with various people, despite the nagging ache in his back that crept in any time the tempo was too fast. It was much easier to stick to the slow songs, and inevitably he would look up and find Adam just taking his hand without asking and walking him out onto the floor. Since there were a lot of people still paying curious attention to their appearance as a couple, Adam took every opportunity to be close to Gus when he could do so without seeming too obvious.

“Are you having a good time?” he murmured to Gus during one long dance. The music was so loud that it was only natural that he had to lean his head in very close to Gus to make himself heard.

Gus tightened his arms around Adam’s neck. “Do you mean tonight in general or right at this particular moment?”

“Is there a difference?”

“Uh huh. Generally speaking, I am having a very good time, but there are some moments that just stand out as being much better than the others.”

“Would this be one of them?”

“Definitely.”

Gus had always been strongly attracted to Adam, but he was becoming more and more conscious of Adam physically, noticing exact mannerisms and tiny details of the way he looked and moved. It was getting progressively more difficult to be around him without wanting to stand closer or touch him. There was an intoxication creeping over Gus that had nothing to do with alcohol or atmosphere, and everything to do with a sudden, extraordinary awareness of Adam. It wasn’t helped by the way that Adam kept looking at him, or the feeling of Adam’s arms around his waist. Even the small, stern voice in the back of his mind that usually had a thing or two to say about such things seemed to have taken an untimely vacation.

Adam let Gus go very reluctantly when the song was over, and then gave him an apologetic smile when Brooke towed him off for one particularly energetic number.

Feeling in sudden need of a drink, Gus headed for the bar, and met up with Sophie.

“You see?” Sophie said. “I told you that you had nothing to worry about. In fact, it looks like the biggest problem you’ve got tonight is all the girls and boys following you around like puppy dogs. I saw the guy in the gray shirt who was hitting on you earlier.”

“I’m not overly flattered...I think he’s been hitting on everybody. But he’s had so much to drink that the last time he asked me to dance, I just gave him a very blank look and told him that he’d just _finished_ dancing with me and that I was insulted that he didn’t remember. He’s still trying to figure that one out.”  
   
“Has Terrance caught up with you yet?”

“No. Fortunately, he’s tall so I can always see him coming. Besides, he seems to have taken a fancy to that boy in the extraordinarily hot shiny pants and boots.”

“And you were worried about _that_ outfit being too flashy. By the way, judging by the way Adam thanked Sutan for loaning you the clothes, I assume that he approved?”

“He seemed to think I looked okay,”  Gus said straight-faced.

He nearly dropped his drink when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder and twisted around to find Isaac smirking at him with Tommy at his side.

“Will you stop sneaking up on me?” Gus scolded him. “I thought you were Terrance.”

“And I thought you finally had us all straight,” Isaac replied reprovingly. “Let’s go through it again. He’s Tommy. I’m Isaac....”

“Oh, don’t start,” said Sophie “Come on.  I want something to eat. You can be useful and hold my plate.”

He raised his eyebrows at her but didn’t argue as she led him away.

“Everything all right?” Tommy said in an undertone to Gus.

“I’m great. I haven’t seen you much...where’ve you been hiding?”

“Oh, around,” Tommy said casually. It didn’t seem appropriate to tell Gus that the sight of him so obviously happy in Adam’s company was beginning to bother him. “But since you don’t look like you’ve got any other offers at the moment, how’d you like to dance with me?”

Gus nodded and flashed Tommy a brilliant smile and the feeling hit Tommy again...envying his good friend the attentions of this beautiful man. Kicking himself, Tommy deliberately tried to keep a reasonable distance between them when they danced, and felt even worse that Gus clearly trusted him completely and had no hesitation about looping his arms around Tommy’s neck and settling into his embrace.

“What’s with the serious face?” he asked Tommy.

“Sorry,” Tommy said, trying to shake it off. “I was thinking about something else, that’s all.”

“Take my advice. Don’t say that to anyone you’re dancing with. It gives them the distinct impression that you’ve got some other person on your mind.”

“Well, I don’t,” Tommy said a bit sharply, then added hastily, “Don’t pay any attention to me. I’m just in a weird mood.”

Spotting Adam making his way towards them through the crowd, Tommy let go of Gus abruptly, ignoring the startled look on Gus’ face. But his attention was immediately diverted by Adam putting one hand on his arm and smiling at his.

“I don’t know about you, but I could use something to eat. Do either of you want anything?”

“Not for me, thanks,” Tommy said. “You two go ahead. I see somebody I want to talk to.”

He bolted off, leaving the two of them staring after him.

“He _is_ in a weird frame of mind tonight,” said Gus. “Did I hear you say something about food?”

They made a tour around the buffet table and sat down with Monte and Lisa. Having only picked at his dinner, Gus was suddenly ravenous and not only ate everything on his plate but kept helping himself to Adam’s.

“There is more up there, you know,” Adam said, pushing his hand away.

“Very nice,” Gus said cheekily. “Didn’t your mother teach you to share?”

“She also taught me not to take things without asking. Hey...I saw that.”

“Fine. I’ll get my own. Some gentleman you are. Whatever happened to American hospitality?”

When he had taken his plate back for a refill, Lisa leaned over to Adam and remarked, “Well, I was a little worried about him earlier; he was such a basket case. But he’s seems to be fine now. He’s really nice. I like him.”

“Thanks for helping him out tonight,” Adam said in a low voice.

Lisa just shrugged good-naturedly and sat back, allowing Gus to slide through into his chair again.

“I brought you dessert,” he said to Adam. “Am I off the hook?”

“That depends on if you manage to keep your hands to yourself from now on,” Adam said severely, and then burst out laughing at the completely embarrassed look that crossed Gus’ face.

Gus let his guard down after they finished eating, and finally got nabbed by Terrance, who dragged him, protesting all the way, out onto the dance floor. It was extremely hard to keep up with Terrance when he was laughing so hard, but they won a round of applause from the crowd anyway.

“I told you that you owed me one,” Terrance said when he turned Gus back over to Adam.

Face flaming, he said, “Then please tell me we’re even, so I can stop looking over my shoulder every time you’re around. And you were no help, either,” he said to Adam, giving him a poke. “I seem to remember being there for you when you needed somebody to save _your_ ass.”

Adam was saved from having to find a suitable reply by the appearance of David Ellison, who pointed out to him that some people were starting to leave and that it was probably time for him to circulate around the room and make sure that he got a few last words with everybody.

“Is it that late?” said Gus, looking at his watch. “No, don’t apologize...you go ahead. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulled up a chair with Sophie and a handful of the other girls in a corner. By this time, everyone was thoroughly relaxed and it wasn’t long before they had wound each other up into a serious fit of the giggles. Sometime later, he noticed that the room had cleared considerably and that Adam was sitting across the room, deep in conversation with one of the record execs. Knowing that he was bound to be some time, Gus decided it was the perfect opportunity for a break and ducked out the closest of the sliding doors and onto the covered patio. From this high up, the lights of the city could be seen for miles, and the night had cooled off considerably, resulting in a refreshing breeze.

He edged between a large potted palm and the railing to get a better look at the skyline, and nearly leapt a foot when a voice piped up from the other side.

“Nice view, isn’t it?”

Hand over pounding heart, Gus twisted around and squinted through the shadows at the figure leaning casually against the railing. “Neil, you just about frightened me to death.”

“Sorry,” Neil grinned. “I thought cops were supposed to have nerves of steel.” He was clutching a drink in one hand; with the other he waved back towards the ballroom.“Getting a little warm in there, isn’t it?”

“Just a bit.” Gus slid along the rail until they were side by side and they stood in companionable silence for several moments. Gus closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle breeze and the respite from the noise and activity of the party.

“Mind if I ask you something?” he ventured after a moment.

Neil dropped his head. “Uh oh.”

“Were you surprised that Adam asked me to fly down here?”

Neil’s head came back up, but his expression was unreadable. “Weren’t you?”

Gus winced. “Let me rephrase that. Are you...bothered by the fact that he asked me to fly down here?”

“Bothered...as in...?”

Gus shifted impatiently. “Come on, Neil. I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t _last_ night. It’s obvious that you and Adam are so tight. You are family. You have every right to want to protect your brother by being wary of outsiders. I just want to make sure I’m not rocking the boat.”

Neil rolled his empty glass between his palms, considering. “I trust Adam enough to trust that he knows what he’s doing.”

“But you aren’t comfortable with it.” At Neil’s sidelong glance, Gus explained, “Look, when you’re working undercover, you spend weeks or months on one assignment. You’re focused on it 24 hours a day. Your personal life goes out the window. You give up your own identity, sometimes quite literally. All you can think about is getting the job done.

“And when you finally get the job done, there’s always that downtime...that time in between projects when you have to go back to trying to be a normal person again. And even though there might be ten more projects coming down the pipe, you’re still at loose ends. You still look for what’s missing. Do you expect me to believe that you don’t have the same kind of feelings at the end of this tour?”

This time Neil turned to face him. “Meaning what?”

“Meaning...” Gus sighed. “Look, I know that Adam’s not been seeing anyone since the start of this tour...since his last relationship broke up.”

“That,” said Neil, “I’m not discussing with you.”

“I’m not asking you to. I know it ended badly. My point is that he’s been so out of focus about everything in his life that he hasn’t been interested in trying to date again. Now the tour is over. Now he starts to look for what’s missing.” There was a long moment of silence, then he smiled. “And you, Mr. Negative Neil, smell a rebound.”

Neil stared at Gus hard, then looked away, then turned back to stare at him again.

“He shoots, he scores?” Gus asked.

“Wrong sport.” Neil said finally. “All right, then, I have a question to ask you. If you know all these things...if you understand the situation, and if you know why some of us might be a little concerned...why did you still accept his invitation?”

Gus could feel himself turning red. “What, do I look stupid? Do you think I get invited away on vacation on a regular basis?”

“No” ,Neil said quietly. “I don’t suppose you do.”

Gus raised his chin. “All right, then. I suppose it was because I wanted to see him again.”  
   
“Fair enough. So let me ask you another question. Aren’t you in the exactly the same boat as he is? Aren’t you at the point where you have to start looking at your life all over again because it can never be the way that you planned it? Aren’t you trying to figure out what to do with the first day of the rest of your life?”

There was no answer to that; Gus simply stared at him in amazement.

“That,” Neil said, “is why I’m concerned. I don’t doubt the integrity of his feelings, or yours. But I’m not sure he’s in the best frame of mind right now to be getting serious about anybody. “

“Have you talked to him about any of this?” Gus asked, when he finally found his voice.

Neil’s shoulders lifted in a shrug. “Adam hasn’t asked me for my opinion.” He gave Gus a lopsided smile. “You did.”

“You’re right, I did.” Gus braced his hands wide on the railing, leaning over it and letting his breath out in a long sigh. “And I wouldn’t have asked the question if I wasn’t already sure I knew at least part of the answer. So I guess the next question is...what the heck do I do now?”

Behind them there was the sound of the glass doors being slid back, followed by sounds of a somewhat more subdued party spilling out in to the night.

“Somebody’s looking for you,” said Neil. “And I’d better go.” He put out his hand as he went by, and touched Gus lightly on the arm. “It’s not personal, you know. If anybody’s the type of person he needs in his life, you are. But maybe now is just not the time.”

“Thank you,” Gus said, wearily. “I _think_.”  
With a nod to his brother, Neil disappeared back in to the hotel, and Gus stood staring out over the skyline until Adam slid in next to him at the rail.

“You disappeared,” Adam said. “Things get a little too much for you?”

“No,” Gus said with a small smile. “I was just about to pass out from the heat. I came out to find a breeze.”

Adam nudged him with his hip, trying to see his expression in the shifting shadows. “Are you sure?”

“Quite sure,” Gus said, nudging him back. When Adam grinned at him, Gus dropped his head on Adam's shoulder. “Actually, there is something that’s been bothering me tonight.”  
   
“Like what?”

“Well,” he sighed. “I’ve now been in this state for 48 hours and I have not seen the ocean yet. I’m beginning to think that beaches in California are something that tourist operators make up for postcards.”

“We’re a bit too far inland to see the ocean,” Adam said with a straight face. “But we do have beaches, honest.”

“So I don’t suppose...” Gus said, wistfully. “That there’s one around here that we could go for a walk on?”

Adam slid one hand up over Gus’ shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Ah.”

“Ah? What does that mean?”

“It means, sure. I understand. You’re one of them. Part of this whole beach conspiracy thing. What, do they make it a condition of your driver’s license in this state? Come on,” Gus prodded, poking Adam in the ribs. “Are you sure there isn’t one around here somewhere?”

“I’m quite sure,” Adam said, laughing. “Besides, we’d have to take about fifteen security guys with us.”

“Not very romantic,” Gus admitted.

“Not really. And you know me...I never go anywhere without security.”

“Okay, that’s it!” In mock exasperation, he shoved Adam’s hand off his shoulder and tried to slide out from under his arm. “I’m going to talk to Tommy. He’ll find me a beach.”

“Tommy,” Adam said, pulling him back. “Would build you your own beach if you asked him to.” He tightened the arm around Gus’ shoulders until Gus stepped in against him and they stood close together for several minutes, until it became obvious that the rest of the crowd was also moving outside and that things were getting progressively less private.

“Do you mind if we go?” Adam murmured. Gus shook his head and wordlessly Adam took his hand and led him back inside, where a few people were still dancing and holding up the bar.

Tommy glanced up as Adam stopped beside him and spoke quietly in his ear. Tommy’s eyes went to Gus’s and although he smiled at Gus, he was unable to hide the fleeting look of regret that passed over his face.

“Sure, get out of here,” he said, low. “Cam took off ages ago and Monte and Lisa just left. Isaac is still around here somewhere; we thought we might go to a club. I figured you two wouldn’t be up to that. Good-night, dude,” he said, squeezing Gus’s hand. To Adam, he said wryly, “One more day, huh?”

“One more,” Adam agreed. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He found his jacket and shrugged back into it, then slid one arm around Gus’s shoulder. As they walked out to the elevator, he dropped his head close to his. “Tomorrow,” he said. “I have two personal appearances...and then that’s it. After that, it will be just you and me, I promise.”

“I haven’t had anything to complain about so far,” Gus said softly.

There were two of the ubiquitous security guards at the doors to the elevator who looked up curiously as the couple approached. Adam nodded to them, but did not seem inclined to take his arm from around Gus until the elevator arrived and he motioned for Gus to go in ahead of him. Gus slid into against the side wall near the corner and Adam leaned beside him against the back wall. One of the guards leaned in and turned the security key, and then pressed the button for them while they both stood doing the usual thing of looking up at the numbers on the display panel.

The moment the doors closed, however, Adam took one step forward and grasped Gus’ arms, then ran his hands up over his shoulders until he was holding Gus’ face, pressing his back against the wall with his body and kissing Gus until he was breathless. Caught off guard, Gus felt the world lurch in a way that had nothing to do with the movement of the elevator. His hands were just coming up to slide around the back of Adam’s neck when the ping of the elevator announced their arrival at the requested floor.

“I’m sorry,” Adam whispered against his mouth. “But I have wanted to do that all night.”

He stepped back as the door opened and grasped Gus by the hand, leading him out past another security guard. Gus ducked his head, conscious of his flustered appearance and trailed along beside Adam without looking until he stopped and took out his keycard.

“It was getting little bit crowded downstairs,” Adam said, as he let Gus in. “So I thought that since I have my own private patio, we might as well enjoy it.”

Gus, fighting a rush of emotion he couldn’t explain, said nothing but smiled tremulously back at him.

It was more of a presidential suite that a room. Noting his surprise, Adam said, “Don’t be too impressed. I don’t usually get this fancy.  But for the last stop on the tour the record company upgraded me as a thank you. Come here, let me show you around.”

There was an enormous lounge area with a large entertainment unit, a bar, a large meeting table and huge overstuffed sofa and chairs. The kitchenette was tiny, but had everything you could possibly imagine, as did the marble bathroom. Following Adam into the bedroom, Gus was astonished to see that it was just as large as the first room, with a king size bed, another set of sofa and armchairs and an entertainment unit nearly as big as the first one.

“And how many hundreds of you stay in here?” he said, shaking his head. “This is almost bigger than my condo.”

“It’s a bit of overkill,” Adam agreed, “But _this_ is nice...come look.”

He pulled back a set of curtains to reveal a large patio door that lead onto a large balcony. Since they were several floors farther up that the ballroom had been, the view over the city was even better.

Gus went immediately to the rail to look out. Closed in on both sides, the patio was very private and sheltered, although he could still feel the movement of the cool evening air.

Adam came to stand behind him and noticed him shivering slightly in the breeze. “Here,” he said, taking off his jacket and holding it for Gus to slip into. The lining was very warm from his body and Gus felt another, entirely different type of shiver as Adam folded it around him and then drew him back very gently against him until he stood with his arms close around Gus and his chin resting on his shoulder.

Gus closed his eyes and curved his arms against Adam’s. In all the rush of events since he’d arrived, this was the first truly private moment that they’d had. Until now, he hadn’t permitted himself to even think of what would happen between them when they were completely alone. He was still trembling from the way Adam had kissed him in the elevator.

Adam must have noticed because he whispered, “Are you still cold?”

Gus shook his head. Adam shifted him a little closer and stood breathing in the scent of his cologne and resting his cheek against Gus’ temple.

“I’ll promise you something,” he said, after a long moment of silence. “While you’re here, I promise we’ll find a beach somewhere one night where we can go for a walk, just the two of us.  And before you say it,” he added, feeling Gus’ low laughter, “ _You_ can be my security. Okay?”

“Okay,” Gus agreed with a smile.

There was the sudden, familiar sound of screaming from far below, and leaning out over the railing, they could see the usual group of die-hard fans was swarming one of the limos as it pulled out from the entrance.

Adam shook his head. “Isaac and Tommy,” he said, and Gus heard the sudden edge that had crept into Adam’s voice. “Come on, let’s go in.  I don’t feel like listening to that tonight.”

Inside, Gus slid off Adam’s jacket and laid it over the back of one of the chairs. There was another moment of awkward silence while Adam locked the patio door, pulled the blinds and flicked on the stereo.

“Do you want a drink? Glass of wine?”

“Sure...please,” Gus said automatically, since Adam seemed so desperate for something to do. He was about to follow Adam out to the main room, when he gestured at the loveseat and said, “I’ll be right back. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.”  
   
“Oh, yeah... _right_. Easy for you to say,” Gus muttered to himself, but took a deep breath, and kicked off his shoes.


	10. Chapter 10

When Adam returned a moment later, he found Gus curled up on one end of the sofa with his legs tucked beneath him, holding an oblong shape in his hand and looking perplexed.

“All right, I have to ask a stupid question,” he said. “I thought at first that this was just the strangest looking TV remote I have ever seen, but it obviously isn’t, so would you mind telling me what it actually is?”

“You’re close,” Adam said. He put two glasses of wine on the coffee table. “It’s a video game controller.”

Gus looked up at him expectantly. “So? Turn it on. Let me try it out.”

“You don’t look like the video game type,” Adam said doubtfully.

“Yeah, well it’s an ice-breaker around troubled kids. If you can sit down and beat the hell out of them at Wii, it gives you some kind of bizarre status in their eyes. I was never any good until the accident, then my physiotherapist told me it would be a good thing for my fine motor skills and made me play it at my rehab sessions for about six months straight.”

It didn’t take them long to discover that they were pretty evenly matched in terms of skill, but about halfway through the second game and the second glass of wine, Gus’s hand suddenly gave out and he dropped the controller with a curse.

“It’s all right,” he said in response to Adam’s startled look, but he was gripping his left hand tightly with his right and appeared to be in a considerable amount of pain. “It’s just a cramp.”

There was nothing he could do except wait for the spasm to pass, and when it did, he flexed his hand experimentally and let his breath out in a rush. “I’m sorry...it always does that when I’m tired. I think I’d better concede this game, if you don’t mind.”

Adam picked the controller up off the floor, put them both away and switched off the television. He could tell Gus was avoiding his gaze, but he could not stop himself from asking, “Is that from your accident...still?”  
   
“The nerves are pinched,” Gus said with a shrug. “It does the same thing if I stand or sit too long in one position. It either cramps, or I just lose all the feeling in my fingers for awhile. I’m used to it...don’t let it bother you.”

It was clearly all he intended to say about the subject and picking up his wineglass in his good hand, he drained it and set it back on the table with a bang. There was nothing he hated more than when his injury flared up in front of somebody else, and he was especially sensitive about letting Adam see any signs of his disability.

Adam took one look at his set face and suddenly tense posture and wisely chose not press him for any more information. Instead, he went to the desk and fished out some family photos to show Gus and was relieved to see that he relaxed and opened up again once they were on a safer topic.

“So you don’t have _any_ close family?” Adam asked.

“Nobody close. My parents met really late in life. My mother was nearly forty-five when she had me and my father was fifteen years older than she was. All my father’s family is in France, and my mother was an only child, so I don’t have any family on her side. My family has always been the people I work with, especially now that my parents are gone.” Gus smiled sheepishly. “Even that’s kind of gone by the wayside since I left the force, but that’s probably more my fault than theirs. I’ve kind of kept to myself since my accident. Well, Michelle uses stronger words to describe it, but then, that’s Michelle.”

“So I’ve heard. But I heard she was on my side about you coming down here, so I’m not going to let you say anything against her.”

“Yeah, I’d say she was on your side,” Gus said, leaning his head back against the sofa and laughing.

Adam reached out and took hold of his hand that was resting on the sofa. “Your hands are freezing,” he said suddenly. “How can you still be cold?”

“Maybe because I’m not used the sub-zero settings of the air conditioning that you people seem to go for here,” Gus retorted.

“You Canadians aren’t as hardy as you look,” Adam remarked, and then got up in a hurry to avoid the smack that was aimed in his direction. “Here.”

There was a soft, woven blanket on the end of the bed. He scooped it up, shook it open and when Gus reluctantly leaned forward, Adam laid around his shoulders and pulled the ends across his legs.

“This is why we have fireplaces in fancy hotel rooms in Canada,” Gus said, burrowing into it gratefully.

“Wouldn’t it just be easier to turn the air-conditioning down? Isn’t lighting a fire a bit counter-productive?”

“Very funny. We don’t just have them for warmth. They’re for ambiance. You know... _atmosphere_. Come on...are you trying to tell me you’ve never had a fire just to sit in front of it and watch the flames?”

“Not lately,” Adam admitted, then he suddenly sat bolt upright. “Wait a minute. Maybe we don’t have a fireplace, but flames... _that_ I can do.”

He had disappeared before Gus could stop him. When he reappeared a moment later, he was carrying the multi-tiered wrought iron candle holder from the table in the next room, which he set down in front of Gus with a flourish.

“You can’t light all those,” Gus said, aghast. “You’ll set off the smoke detectors.”

“Why would they put them out if they weren’t meant to be used?” Adam said reasonably, digging in the desk drawer for matches.

“For decoration. I don’t think they meant it to be used as a stand in for a fireplace. For Pete’s sake, will you be careful? You’re going to burn yourself.”

“Look, I’m getting tired of all the shots at my hospitality,” Adam said severely. “I’ve got to do something to shut you up.” Once he had all seven candles lit, he tossed the rest of the packet of matches back on the desk. “Hang on, I’m not finished yet.”

By this point Gus was so helpless with laughter that it took him a moment to realize Adam had turned off all the lights, so the room was suddenly bathed in flickering candlelight.

“Now,” Adam said, very seriously as he sat back down beside him “Is there anything else that’s missing?”

“Marshmallows,” Gus said with a straight face, then buried his face in Adam’s shoulder, unable to stop laughing.

“You’re very funny. I’d think the least you could do is recognize my effort. I wouldn’t do this for just anybody, you know.”

Taking advantage of the fact that Gus was already leaning against him, Adam slid one arm around his shoulders and pulled him in closer, catching the edge of the blanket and pulling it up over Gus so he could tuck it in.

“Thank you,” Gus said softly, feeling the sudden shift in mood. He reached across Adam to where his arm was resting on the arm of the sofa and took hold of his hand, twining his fingers with Adam’s. The chill had disappeared, replaced by a rush of warmth and sensation.

Adam’s other hand was curved around his shoulder. Feeling the fingertips tracing along the line of his collarbone, Gus felt the past few weeks of mutual attraction suddenly trip over into a flood of desire that shocked him. For such a long time, his body had been nothing more than such a source of pain that it was suddenly as if somebody had thrown the switch on nerve ends he had forgotten even existed and he couldn’t think of anything else but having the touch of Adam’s hands and Adam’s mouth on his skin.

Adam must have felt his sudden intake of breath because he glanced down at Gus curiously. Without hesitating, Gus slid his hand up around Adam’s neck, tangled his fingers through Adam’s hair and pulled Adam’s head down to his, startling him with his intensity. Closing his eyes, Gus kissed him with soft, feathery touches that gradually slowed and deepened until Adam could feel Gus’ mouth opening beneath the pressure of his, letting him taste and feel him. Any thoughts he’d had of restraint or of going slow with this man had been wiped away by Gus’ first real response to him, and despite his best intentions, he could feel everything sliding out of control.

Gus was so lost in his feelings that when he finally drew back slightly after several long minutes of slow exploration, he had to struggle to remember how to breathe normally.

Eyes closed, Adam’s arms tightened around Gus to prevent him moving away. “I can’t think straight when you kiss me like that.”

“Funny,” Gus whispered shakily. “I was just going to say the same thing.”

“I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, I was...I’ve always felt that way around you...but you just...took me by surprise, I guess.”

“It’s my fault,” Gus e murmured. “I should have warned you that candles do that to me. Actually,” he added emotionally, turning his face up to Adam’s again. “Forget I said that. It’s not the candles...it’s just you.”

This time, they were both so deeply shaken that Adam had to sit back and take hold of Gus’ hands tightly in his, more to keep his own still than to stop Gus from touching him.

“Maybe,” Gus said low, fighting to keep his voice steady. “You should walk me back to my room. I’m sorry...I don’t like feeling out of control.”

“That makes two of us,” Adam said softly. “But Gus...I always knew it was going to be like this with you.”

“Oh... psychic, are we?” Gus said with a flash of his usual humor.

“No,” Adam grinned. “Just the little voice in my head, that’s all.”

“Hopefully that’s not the same little voice that tells you to go out walking alone in the middle of the night,” Gus said, unfolding his legs and tucking his feet back into his shoes.

Adam sighed. “You always have to bring that up, don’t you?”

Gus made a great show of coughing and waving at the smoke when Adam blew out all the candles. Unfortunately, Adam had forgotten to put the lights back on first, and they spent the next couple of minutes stumbling over things in the dark until Gus managed to find the switch on the wall. But grateful for the comic relief, and both feeling a little steadier with some space between them, they were able to banter back and forth as Adam walked Gus back to his room.

Adam followed him in, and before Gus could even question the wisdom of letting him near again, Adam had drawn him in close to his chest with both Gus’ hands clasped in his and his forehead resting gently against Gus’

“There’s something I want you to know,” he whispered. “You really do make me feel incredible.”

It was hard to tell what touched Gus the most, the words or Adam’s sweet, stammering shyness.

“Well,” Gus murmured. “It’s been a very long time since I’ve been the least little bit interested in making _any_ man feel incredible, so I just hope I’m not too far out of practice.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Adam murmured back with a smile. “I suppose you’re bound to be a little rusty.”

He should have known better; Gus pulled his hands free and set them on his hips in indignation and Adam saw the challenge flash in his eyes.

“Rusty?” he echoed. “ _Rusty_? You think so, do you?”

Before Adam could say anything else, Gus put both hands out and set them very carefully on Adam’s ribcage by the buttons of his shirt. Adam had already opened the top two earlier in the evening, but Gus started almost at the bottom and very slowly and deliberately began to unbutton them, all the way to the top.

Adam caught his breath, but stood stock still while Gus’ eyes dared him to move.

Once the shirt was loosened, Gus tucked his left hand inside the opening at the base of Adam’s neck and very slowly slid his fingers sideways, moving the shirt open until Adam’s right shoulder was completely bare. Then in one fluid motion, he stepped forward against Adam and put his mouth in the hollow of Adam’s shoulder, tracing it along his skin from left to right until he could feel the pulse at the base of Adam’s throat.

Then nonchalantly he stepped away and just as deliberately as before, carefully re-buttoned Adam’s shirt from bottom to top, smoothing the collar in place and straightening the front before he finally raised his eyes back up to Adam’s.

“Mmmm...maybe you’re right,” he agreed. “I might be a little rusty after all.”

Adam was completely speechless, torn between the urge to pull Gus back and prove that he could be just as provocative and sensual as Gus was...and the urge to run like hell.

He opted for something in the middle, especially when he saw the teasing curve of Gus’ smile and the faint flush that grew along his cheekbones.

“’Night,” he said, and backed up until he hit the door. He managed to get it open after only a couple of tries, and with one glance back to where Gus stood, struggling to control his laughter, Adam shook his head and walked out.

 

* * * *

Feeling more than a little on edge, and wanting to be alone, Adam went back to his suite and then abruptly changed his mind when he encountered the lingering scent of Gus's cologne combined with the fragrance of candle smoke. Instead he opted for the lounge, which he was sure would be deserted, and was astonished to find Cam there, sitting by herself and flipping through a magazine.

Cam was no less surprised when Adam walked in. " _Well_...I sure didn't expect to see you again tonight. What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question," Adam replied, ignoring the innuendo. "What happened to your new girlfriend? Don't tell me she turned you down?"

Cam grinned. "No, we're just about to head out. She's just making a phone call."

"Ah. Calling home to get an extension on her curfew, huh?"

"Very funny. You didn't answer my question...where's Gus?" Adam got a black look in response, and raised his eyebrows. "You haven't had a fight, have you?"

"No," Adam said through gritted teeth. "We did not have a fight...how'd you like to mind your own business?"

Cam rolled her eyes and returned to her magazine. After a minute, Adam sank down on the sofa beside her and nudged her apologetically.

"Sorry. I'm in a touchy mood. Gus and I are just trying to figure out where things are going, that's all."

"Having been around the two of you tonight," Cam observed. "I would have thought it was pretty obvious. It’s been driving you nuts waiting for him to come down here. So...now he's here. Why aren't you with him?”

"Because it's late, and we're both tired.”  
   
"Bullshit. Who’s having second thoughts...him or you?"

"Look," Adam said, losing some of his patience. "Nobody's having second thoughts. But this isn't easy for him, you know. Or for me for that matter. We've got a lot to deal with. I don't want to scare him off."

"Scare him off? I don't think you could beat him off with a stick. All right, all right...I'll stop being nosy. But if you're interested in my opinion...well, too bad, you're getting it anyway...the two of you seem really great together."

"Thanks. I think so, too. But that doesn't mean that it's not complicated."

"No," Cam said slowly."I guess not. What happens when it's time for him to go home?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to not think about that right now."

He was saved from further interrogation but the return of Cam's date. He watched the two of them go off together and shook his head, trying to remember what it was like to be that light-hearted.

 

* * * *

Gus overslept the next morning. Adam had already departed for the radio gig on one of the local station's drive-time morning shows, but there was a note under his door from Adam.

 _Dear Rusty_ (which had been repeatedly crossed out)  
_Back around noon. Lunch?_

When he wandered into the lounge to see if he could scare up something from the remains of the breakfast buffet, he was surprised to see David Ellison there.

When he had chosen something to eat, David motioned for Gus to sit with him.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Gus said, breaking off a slice of orange. "I thought you would have gone with Adam this morning."

David took a gulp of coffee and winced as the hot liquid stung his mouth. "The record execs do these kinds of appearances with him. I'll be going along with him this afternoon when the visit the children's hospital. In the meantime, I've got all kinds of things to clear up here, since everyone will be moving out later today."

Avoiding Gus’ eyes, David pushed a folded newspaper across the table at him. "And I thought I should probably talk to you about this."

Gus flipped the paper open and went cold. On the front of the previous evening's entertainment section was a photo from the final concert, with the caption, "Adam Thanks Canadian Cop."

The picture had been taken just after Tommy had pulled him onstage. He was flustered and half-smiling; Tommy had him by one hand and Terrance had him by the other.

Worse was the tiny photo inset at the bottom...one of the promotional pictures from the Take Back the Streets campaign.

The story was mercifully short, but what it contained made his stomach churn.

"The fan pulled from the audience on Friday was no random choice; Gus Harriton is the former police officer who won attention last month when he came to Adam's rescue in Toronto. Well known in Canada for his hard work on the issue of teen violence, he suffered a career-ending injury last year and has since been working as a consultant for local law enforcement in his home city. He is visiting LA as a guest of Adam, who showed his appreciation for his efforts in this impromptu on-stage appearance on the last night of his sold-out tour. Friends confirm that Harriton has kept in close touch with Lambert since the incident in Toronto."

Gus re-folded the paper carefully and pushed it back across the table towards David.

"They never do get my name right," he remarked in a flat voice.

"There's more," David said. "I checked with the front desk this morning and they've had a number of calls from people trying to find out if you're registered. All the other reservations were made under assumed names...not that that's kept anyone from figuring out the band is staying here...but your room was booked under your own name."

Gus raked his hands through his hair."So who's been calling?"

"From the sounds of it, a couple were reporters. Most have been fans." He risked a glance at Gus’ closed, set face. "I've notified the desk to block any inquiries that come through about you, but I'm afraid that some information may have leaked out."

"For the record," Gus said quietly."There is only one person who knows that I was coming here as a guest, and that’s my late partner’s widow. In fact, the only other people who’ve been in touch with me are my personal assistant and the staff supervisor from the Task Force office. They've both called me on my cell phone since I've been here, but neither of them actually know where I am." He pointed at the paper. "Whatever 'friends' they are referring to in there, they aren't mine."

"They usually aren't," David said dryly. "And I know you've kept very low key about it. But the fact is I can't even make any inquiries about where this information came from without creating the impression that there's some merit to it. It's best to ignore it."

Gus’ expression hardened. "That's easier said than done."

David sighed. "You've got to understand that this kind of thing happens all the time. And ninety percent of it is utter crap, but trying to control it usually just makes it worse. It won't be the last time, I can promise you that."

Gus’ eyebrows shot up. "What does that mean?"

David stared back at him."What do you think it means? It means that once information like this gets out, and the rumor mill starts, you will be the new topic of conversation in every celebrity mag, on every fan website and on Twitter. Haven't others talked to you about any of this?"

"I think everyone's jumping the gun a bit here," Gus retorted. "I'm just here on vacation...for two weeks."

David considered this for a moment, and then sat back in his seat, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. "I think you'd better start being more realistic. Any idea how many people might have seen you with Adam and his friends since you’re been here?"

Gus, recalling the walk from the limo to the hotel, flushed, but said nothing.

"At least the timing is in your favor...with the tour breaking up today, everyone will be going home and doing their own thing. The attention dies down a bit when Adam’s not touring or making personal appearances."

"Which brings me," he added, after a moment. "To the next problem. No one knows about any of this yet."

Gus blinked in surprise. "You didn't tell Adam?"

"No. And I would really rather try _not_ to tell anybody until later today." He gave Gus a rueful smile. "Adam is going to hit the roof. He's only got two more appearances today, and then that's it. He's got to concentrate, not be worrying about this."

"I think you're forgetting something," Gus said sharply. "He's at a _radio station_ this morning. You don't think somebody's going to be throwing out some questions at him?"

David shook his head. "I spoke to the label rep that's going with him, and she's spoken to the station. All the questions go through the rep before they go to him, and no D.J. in his right mind is going to make any comments on air when they've been told to lay off."

Having lost his appetite, Gus pushed back his plate and fiddled with his coffee cup. He sat silently for several minutes while David regarded him with a certain amount of sympathy.

"What do you want me to do?" he said finally.

"What were your plans this morning?"

Gus shrugged. "I was thinking of going shopping."

"I think you'd better stay out of the malls. Just stick around the hotel and lay low for a few hours. I know Adam asked you to tag along this afternoon to the hospital, but you might want to make an excuse to skip it, just in case."

"Fine." Gus stood up. "I won't say anything to anybody for now. But once everything is wrapped up, I want Adam told. Either you do it, or I will. I don't want him hearing about it from anybody other than you or me, or he won't be the only one hitting the roof."

"I don't have any problem with that. But really, listen to me when I say not to take this too seriously. It's all part of the game, and you'll have to get used to it."

David didn't understand, at the time, the agitated look Gus gave him.


	11. Chapter 11

Gus passed Jeremy on the way back to his room.

"Is there a gym in this place?" he asked.

Jeremy furrowed his brow at Gus, taken aback by his flushed face. "A big one...downstairs. Why?"

"Because I feel the sudden urge to expend a lot of energy,” Gus said in a flat voice. “And since stealing a bicycle and riding around the city is apparently out of the question, I guess I’ll have to settle for a stationary bike."

Jeremy trailed Gus along the hallway to his room. "Are you OK?"

Gus couldn't seem to get the key card into the lock on his door. Glancing down, Jeremy was astonished to see his hands were shaking.

"Let me," Jeremy said, taking the card from Gus and opening the door. "What's wrong?"

"I just need to work off a little steam." He went to the bureau and threw his work-out clothes, sweatbands and his stopwatch onto the bed.

"Like some company?"

Gus straightened up and frowned at him suspiciously."Why?"

Jeremy frowned back at him."Because...I’m not working again until this afternoon and I'm not doing anything at the moment...and because you look like maybe you need somebody to talk to?"

"I don't think I'd be much of a conversationalist right now.” His cross trainers were caught at the bottom of his sports bag; he yanked hard and nearly ended up flinging both across the room.

"No problem..." Jeremy said slowly. "Then if you don't mind I'll just tag along and lift some weights."

Gus didn't bother to protest. If this was David's way of keeping an eye on him, who was he to argue? He said nothing to Jeremy as they rode the elevator down to the main floor, but as they stepped out into the lobby, he stopped short.

"What are _they_ doing in here?" he demanded.

There were, in fact, a large number of what were obviously fans in the lobby, some clustered in the lounge, some gathered by the pay phones in the corner and others just milling about. Jeremy glanced around and shrugged.

"Some of them are probably staying at the hotel," he said. "It's pretty normal for a few fans to book a couple of rooms and then bring a dozen or so of their friends in to hang out. They know Adam and his band are in and out today. There's not a lot we can do about them, unless they get rowdy."

Gus was used to trying to be inconspicuous, but hadn't expected to walk out into the middle of a room full of curious girls, all of whom had looked up hopefully when the door to the private elevator opened.

Jeremy was halfway across the lobby before he noticed that Gus was hanging back reluctantly. "I think I'm attracting a little too much attention here," he said, low. "Why don't we just forget about this?"

"Why, what's the matter?"

Gus had made the assumption that Jeremy knew. In fact, he'd made the assumption that the whole reason Jeremy was in his back pocket in the first place was because David had specifically told Jeremy to keep tabs on him.

But Jeremy was looking at him so blankly, that Gus realized he didn't have a clue.

Fortunately, Jeremy was quick enough on the uptake to note the group of girls bearing down on them and decided that, whatever the reason, Gus was probably right. He took Gus’ arm, stepped around him and drew Gus back with him in the direction of the elevator. There was no way to avoid the group of girls who had gathered right behind them, so Jeremy took the usual approach of walking straight through them, as businesslike as possible, while keeping one hand hooked under Gus' elbow. Head down, Gus stared deliberately at the floor, but flinched as the girls all began peppering Jeremy with questions.

One of the more aggressive of the group grabbed Gus by the wrist as they went by. "You're the guy from the concert Friday night, aren't you?"

"Come on, ladies," Jeremy said, quite calmly. "Could you back up for us?"

"Let go, please," Gus muttered, trying to free his wrist. But the girl hung on determinedly, and Gus, trying not to cause a scene, said, "Jeremy, wait a minute."

Jeremy hesitated reluctantly. Gus turned his head, looked the teenager directly in the eye and said very clearly and deliberately, "Would you let go of my arm please?"

"You are him!" the girl said staring back. "I thought I recognized you."

There was an excited outburst of chatter from the group in general, all pushing closer and craning their heads to see what was going on. With a sigh, Jeremy reached across and removed the girl's hand from Gus' wrist."That's enough. Let's go...now."

He put one hand beneath Gus’ arm and turned him firmly, pushing Gus ahead of him until they reached the elevator door. As soon as it opened, he towed Gus in. The anxious fan, however, determined not to let the moment slip by, grabbed for whatever she could reach and caught her hand in the cord of the stopwatch hanging around Gus' neck. Caught between Jeremy, who was pulling him forward, and the girl behind, who was hanging on for dear life, Gus felt the cord being yanked tight around his throat and was jerked off his feet, smacking his forehead on the corner of the door and landing awkwardly across the threshold, half in and half out of the elevator.

There was an agonizing stab of pain in his back. He was choking too badly to think straight, but his defensive training kicked in and he automatically rolled over onto his knees. He felt Jeremy putting both arms around his waist and lifting him bodily backwards, finally setting him down on the floor as the doors closed and the elevator shifted upwards.

 

* * * *

He was badly shaken, but he refused to see the hotel doctor.

"At least put this on your head," Jeremy said, filling a towel with ice cubes. “You've already got a lump the size of a golf ball."

"It's not the lump, it's the headache," Gus grumbled. At the sound of commotion in the hallway outside his room, he groaned and put both hands over his ears. "And I think it's about to get a lot worse."

Word had clearly gotten around. Adam went straight to him and knelt in front of him, anxiously searching his face for any other signs that he was hurt. His band crowded around.

"How did this happen?" Isaac said to Jeremy in dismay.

"Lay off," Gus said wearily. "It was my idea...nobody had bothered to warn him. How the hell was I supposed to know that one of your legions of fans would try and garrote me from behind?"

"I did warn you this morning," David Ellison said in a cold voice, "Specifically NOT to go out."

"You asked me not to leave the hotel." Gus snapped back. "And I didn't. And I don't suppose I need to remind you all that if you hadn't pulled that lame-brained stunt of hauling me up on stage Friday night, no one would have known me from a hole in the wall."

Adam looked at David. "What is he talking about?"

David lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "There was a photo in last night’s paper. Somebody at the concert made the connection between Gus and what happened in Toronto."

"Are you serious?" Adam said, aghast. "Did they print his name?"

"Spelled it wrong," said Gus, grimly. "But it was close enough. And since you didn't have the sense to book my reservation under another name, obviously somebody managed to find out that I was staying here."

Adam turned furiously on David. "You couldn't have told me about this?"

"Right," said David. "And wind you up before an interview?"

"How about telling me right when it happened? Exactly how long have you known about it?"

"Hey!" said Tommy, sharply. He pointed at Gus, who had the palms of both hands pressed against his forehead. "Maybe later, huh, guys?"

"There is no point in arguing," Gus said in a muffled voice."The damage is done. But quite frankly, all I want to do right now is lie down. So if you'd all kindly get lost..."

Adam took the ice pack from him and gently tilted Gus’ head up, noticing the unfocused look in his eyes. "Jeremy, go and get the hotel doctor. I want to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion. Tommy will stay with you," he added over Gus’ objections. To David, he said, "You and I need to have a conversation. _Right now_.”

“Go with him for Pete’s sake,” Gus said to Monte. “Don’t let him do anything stupid.”

There was nothing Tommy could do to settle him down. The more he tried, the more agitated Gus became, aggravated by the spasms in his back that he tried desperately to hide, and the horrible dread that kept creeping over him.

“I didn’t bargain on any of this,” Gus said shakily.

“I know things got a little out of hand today,” Tommy admitted. “And David should have let us in on what was happening. But there’s no way we can be worrying about every little problem with the press. He probably figured that we’d all be going our own ways tomorrow and everything would just blow over.” He put his arm around Gus’ shoulders. “But I know it’s hard for you, buddy. It will get easier once you get used to it.”

Gus closed his eyes. “That’s my point. I don’t think I want to get used to it.”

He rubbed a hand across his forehead tiredly and tried to explain. “Look, I’ve already been through this kind type of thing before...way back when Nick and I did the Take Back the Streets campaign, it was promoted everywhere, and he and I got very well known very fast. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but it was OK...because it was my choice, and it was my job, and because it was making good things happen.

“After the accident, it was a week and a half before I woke up. By the time I came around, the whole city was in an uproar over Nick’s death, and the police services department had turned me into some kind of poster child for the justice system. The local media used to do weekly updates on my medical condition for God’s sake. It was the most painful period of my life... _literally_ and I couldn’t even go out the door to physio or walk down the street to get a paper without people following me, asking me questions, or wanting to know how I was. I used to take taxi’s to go less than two blocks because I couldn’t stand the people staring at me. It was awful and I hated it, but at least those people were genuinely concerned about me.

“It isn’t going to be like that here, is it? Yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but Sophie and Lisa have warned me what to expect. I don’t know why the hell I thought I might be any different...but then again, I’m starting to think my judgment on this whole thing has been way off.”

Tommy was more than a little alarmed about his, but didn’t get the chance to reply. Adam reappeared, still looking grim and angry, followed immediately by the hotel doctor. After Gus grudgingly submitted to an examination, the doctor told him to go and lie down while he took Adam and Tommy aside. “There’s no concussion,” he said. “But he’s going to have one heck of a sore head for a few days. Make sure he stays off his feet until at least the day after tomorrow.” He handed a bottle to Tommy. “These are some mild painkillers so he can get some sleep.”

Tommy let the doctor out, then looked at Adam. “Do you want to sit on him, or should I? There’s no way he’s going to take any of these.”

Adam took the bottle from him. “It’s OK. I’ll talk to him.”

“You don’t have time,” Gus said from where he was leaning back against the pillows with his eyes closed. “You’re both supposed to be at the children’s hospital by 2 o’clock. It’s already past one, and I thought you told me the hospital was on the other side of the city.”

Tommy glanced at Adam. “Think you can do without me?”

“Forget it,” Gus said.

“No, Tommy’s right. Since David could have done his job properly and managed to avoid all this in the first place, he can make my excuses for Tommy, and he’ll stay here with you.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Gus cried. He sat bolt upright, then immediately regretted it. “Will you all just go and do what you have to do and leave me alone? Don’t you think that I feel like I’ve caused enough trouble without making you miss a personal appearance? It’s your last day and it’s the last thing you have to do. Don’t blow it off because of me.”

The situation was not improved by a knock on the door from David, who made the same observation about the time and who was still clearly smarting from whatever Adam had said to him a few minutes earlier. They glowered at each other, until Tommy, sensing that Gus was just about at the limit of his patience, stepped in and suggested that maybe it would be a good chance to leave Gus alone to get some rest.

It took persuading, but Adam eventually gave in. Tommy took David by the arm and steered him out.

“Promise me,” Adam said to Gus, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed. “That you will stay put until I get back.” Gus was so pale that for a minute Adam was tempted to change his mind and stay.

Eyes closed, Gus nodded, but he didn’t speak. Reluctantly, Adam kissed him on the forehead, and let himself out.

 

* * * *

Lying down did nothing to ease the pounding headache or the cramping of tortured muscles in his back, and only reminded Gus uncomfortably of too many other occasions when he'd been immobilized and in pain. He pitched the ice bag to one side and sat up unsteadily, feeling the room tilt and the edges of his vision darken alarmingly.

Even worse than the aching in his head was the realization in the pit of his stomach...that whatever his expectations had been and whatever the feelings were that had brought him here, coming to California had been a terrible mistake. He was right back to where he had been months earlier...trying to be anonymous in an impossibly public situation.

He stood leaning against the window with his forehead pressed against the cool pane of glass and watched the limo pull out from the back of the hotel. Much of the crowd from the day before had drifted away, but there were still several hundred fans on the street.

There was no longer any doubt in his mind; physically and emotionally he was in way over his aching head. The last time had been public and painful enough. There was no way he could do this again.

He heard Jeremy's voice in the hallway, and found him hovering outside his door.

"I thought you were going with Adam," Gus said, as Jeremy walked him back inside, alarmed at Gus’ white face and distraught expression.

"I decided to hang around and help with the packing up," he said. "Well, actually...Adam wanted somebody to be here to keep an eye on you.”

"Oh," Gus said, dully.

"And I now I know why...look, you're _supposed_ to be taking it easy. If you need something, tell me what it is and I'll get it for you."

"Actually," Gus said, "I was wondering if you could do me a little favor." At Jeremy’s puzzled expression, he added with a faint smile, "I was wondering if you would arrange a car to take me to the airport."

"You can’t be serious," Jeremy said, stricken."Not because of what happened this morning?"

Gus dropped his gaze and rubbed his forehead. "It's not just that. It's very complicated; there's no way I could possibly explain."

Jeremy crossed his arms. "I assume that you haven't told Adam about this?"

"No," Gus admitted. "And I think I'd like to be a couple of thousand miles away before I do."

"He wouldn't want this. And you’re not well enough to think about going anywhere, let alone getting on a plane. You need to stay put until he gets back."

Gus closed his eyes impatiently. "You've got two choices; you can either arrange a car for me, or I'll do it myself. I just want your help, not your advice."

"I'm sorry," Gus added with a sigh, as Jeremy clearly debated with himself. "I shouldn't be putting you in this position."

"That's what friends are for," Jeremy said soberly, and then gave in. "All right, but if you insist on going, the least I can do is drive you out to the airport myself."

"You don't..." Gus began, but Jeremy shook off the protest.

"Adam's already going to have my head when he finds out. If he finds out I just stuck you in a cab, he's liable to have the rest of me as well."

The ride out to the airport was a silent and uncomfortable one with Gus hiding both his discomfort and his emotions under a baseball cap and dark glasses. Jeremy was torn between doing what he could to talk Gus out of leaving and his inherent understanding of what Gus was going through. He didn't blame Gus. He just thought it was a real shame.

Gus tried to get Jeremy to just drop him at Departures, but Jeremy insisted on parking the car and taking Gus inside himself.

"You don't even know if you can get a flight," he said. "When I see you get on a plane, I'll go."

To Gus's dismay, there were no direct flights to Toronto until much later that evening. "The closest I could get you is New York," the ticket agent offered. "There's a flight in about half an hour that I can probably get you on if you're willing to sit in Economy."

"If it gets me out of LA," said Gus grimly. "I don't care if I have to sit on the pilot's lap."

Doggedly, Jeremy followed him all the way to the gate. "All right," Gus said, wearily. "Now, unless you're actually going to get on this plane with me, I think you can safely go home." He leaned across and hugged Jeremy quickly. "And thank you. I'm sorry I've gotten you in such a mess."

"What do you want me to tell him?" Jeremy asked.

There was no quick answer to that and the boarding agent was motioning to him impatiently.

"Tell him I'll call him," Gus said finally. "And you can tell him you tried to talk me out of it."

Without another word Jeremy handed his backpack. Gus gave him one last half-hearted attempt at a smile, then walked out of the lounge, up the gateway and onto the plane.

 

* * * *

The task of telling Adam what had happened fell to David Ellison, who took a call from Jeremy as they were wrapping up the appearance at the hospital. He reluctantly broke the news in the car on the way back to the hotel, hoping that the presence of the rest of the people would insulate him from the blast.

To his astonishment, there was none. Adam went very white and very quiet, asking nothing more than if Gus had been all right to travel and if Jeremy had ensured he got safely on the plane.

When they reached the hotel, Adam got out of the car without a word and went immediately to his room.

Neil stood in the doorway and watched him pack. "You OK?"

Adam looked up, his expression unreadable. "We're done here. Nothing else scheduled, no other places I have to be. So I just think I'm going to go home."

"I'm sorry that things didn't work out."

“My fault,” Adam said flatly. “I knew how he felt about publicity. I never should have brought him down into the middle of this, and I never should have let Tommy talk me into that stunt on Friday.”

“You can’t help the way things are. He had to know that coming down here would have meant publicity. If he wanted to avoid it, he would have stayed home. Obviously, he thought that seeing you would be worth it.”

Adam hesitated; the thought seemed to trouble him.

“Obviously,” he said. “It wasn’t.”

 

* * * *

It must have been some kind of sadistic airline policy to try and seat one mouthy person next to someone who wasn't interested in conversation. Gus nodded politely at the stream of chatter from lady in the seat beside him, but stared stonily at the magazine in his lap as the last of the passengers filed on board.

He felt ill and dizzy. Worse, there was a pain in his chest too close to his heart to be related to the bump on his head.

"Were you here on business or vacation?" his companion inquired.

Gus smiled faintly. "Vacation."

The woman fussed with her seat belt. "Me too. But you don't have much of a tan, do you, dear? You couldn't have spent very much time on the beach."

Gus abruptly turned his head and looked out the window, fighting a rush of emotion. There wasn't much else that the woman could have said that would have upset him any more than that.

 

* * * *

Jeremy stood at the far end of the lounge watching as Gus's plane finally backed out of its gate and taxied away. He waited until he saw the aircraft lift off the runway, then walked up to the man who was sitting alone in the seats by the check-in-counter, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Gus stared at him for the longest time. Finally he remarked, “I guess it’s kind of handy being psychic when you’re a bodyguard.”

"I wasn’t sure there for awhile," Jeremy admitted. "But I figured I'd better hang around, just in case."

“Well, I'm glad you seem to know what I'm doing," Gus said helplessly. "Because I don't. What the hell do I do now?"

Jeremy picked up his suitcase and swung the strap over his shoulder. "Come on. I'll take you back."

 

* * * *

“Are you all right?” Jeremy asked as they sat in an end-of-the weekend traffic jam on the highway. Gus had his head back and his eyes closed and his color wasn’t good at all.

“I’m just a little dizzy,” he murmured. “And I can’t stop thinking about what on earth I’m going to say to Adam.”

“Tell him the truth. And that you thought about it and changed your mind.”

“Oh, yeah....swell. Sorry for walking out on you without a word. Sorry that I hurt you. But don’t worry...now I’m really sure I know what I’m doing,” He shook his head, then clutched it as everything reeled. “Sounds very convincing, doesn’t it?”

They weren’t moving anyway, so Jeremy tried dialing the cell-phone again.

“I don’t know why David’s not answering his cell. I probably shouldn’t have called him in the first place, until I knew for sure what was going on.”

Gus cast him a sideways glance. “See, I can’t even get that right.”

“Will you stop? Do you think we all don’t understand how hard it is? I see it all the time, and so does everybody else. Give Adam some credit. He’ll just be happy that you’re back.”

By the time the traffic cleared, Gus was nearly beside himself with pain and nerves. It didn’t help that Jeremy had finally tracked down David, and then had to tell Gus that Adam had left the hotel with hardly a word to anyone.

“He’s gone home,” Jeremy said “Don’t worry, I know where he lives.”


	12. Chapter 12

Gus spent most of the drive to Adam’s with his eyes closed, badly disoriented and feeling faint to the point of passing out. He had learned the hard way over the previous twelve months that there were boundaries of physical strain over which his body simply wouldn’t go, and there was no doubt that the weakness that was starting to spread from his left arm down into his leg was likely to turn into excruciating pain if he didn’t take something for it soon. It didn’t help that he hadn’t eaten since properly since the night before, or that he hadn’t taken anything to ease the ache in his head. Jeremy, trying to drive and keep an eye on him at the same time, didn’t know whether to speed up to get there faster or slow down to go as gently as possible.

Gus didn’t register any of the brief conversation that Jeremy had with the security guard at the gate, but when the car slowed to a stop for the second time, he dared to look up and was relieved he seemed to be able to see straight...at least temporarily. He took a couple of deep breaths to get himself together, by which time Jeremy had come around and opened his door. If he’d had a choice, he would have pretended not to see the hand he held out to help Gus, but doubted Gus would have been able to get up without him. Once Gus was on his feet, the world started to wobble again, but he very deliberately stepped away from Jeremy and concentrated putting one foot in front of the other as he followed Jeremy up to the door.

Normally, Gus would have paid particular attention to his surroundings but in his fuzzy state was only able to register that the house was set well back from the road and surrounding by high fences and trees. At the door, he took the opportunity to rest against the wall for a few seconds while Jeremy knocked, and tried to brace himself for a confrontation.

The door was opened by a slender, middle-aged woman who seemed to know Jeremy well enough to let him in without hesitation.

“Hi, Beth...is he here?”

“He’s here,” she replied with a grimace. “Although he hardly said a word to me when he came in...What happened?”

“This is Gus,” he said, ignoring the question. “Gus, meet Beth. She looks after the house.”

Beth shook Gus’s hand and raised his eyebrows. “Ah. Yes. He mentioned you.” She looked at Jeremy, clearly having made the appropriate connection, and said, “If you want to see him, he’s out by the pool, but I have to warn you...he’s _not_ in a good mood.”

“I can imagine,” said Gus in a dull voice.

“Go on,” said Jeremy firmly. “Get it over with.”

He pointed across the room to where a set of large French doors opened out to what was obviously the back yard. Gus got as far as the doorway and nearly lost his nerve, then swallowed hard and walked outside, flinching as the bright sunlight caused a sudden, stabbing pain in his aching head.

There was a large wooden deck all along the back of the house, which led down a set of steps to the patio that surrounded the pool. Adam was sitting on the second step from the bottom with his elbows on his knees, staring at the water and distractedly sorting through a stack of mail.

Gus gingerly maneuvered his way down the steps, clutching the railing for support. Assuming it was Beth, Adam didn’t even move until Gus had circled around into his line of vision and he caught a glimpse of a scuffed pair of Nikes and legs that definitely did not belong to his housekeeper.

Gus stopped dead and waited, trying to control his pounding heart. When Adam looked up, his eyes widened but there was no change in his expression. Less than encouraged, Gus swallowed again and found he couldn’t speak.

“I thought you got on a plane,” Adam said blankly.

“I did,” Gus said, then realized that sounded stupid and made it sound even more intelligent by adding, “I got back off.”

“And did you know,” he floundered on, when the look on Adam’s face still didn’t change. “That FAA regulations state that if you get off a plane when they’ve already loaded your baggage, they have to unload everybody else’s baggage again until they find yours and take it off as well, even if it means a whole planeload of really unhappy people?”

Adam’s eyes got a little wider, but that was it. Gus had no way to know that Adam was just as tongue-tied as he and afraid of saying anything that might come out wrong and make things worse.

Unable to stand Adam staring any longer, Gus knelt down on the bottom step of the deck between Adam’s knees so that he was eye to eye with him.

“I panicked,” Gus said, choking. “I’m _sorry_.”

Adam didn’t hesitate but put out one hand and touched Gus’ face and he pitched forward into Adam’s arms.

“It’s all right,” Adam said, in a muffled voice, but Gus could feel the way his chest was heaving. “I’m sorry too. Will you stay?”

Gus nodded against his shoulder and held on for the longest time, unable to move or think, until there was a discreet clearing of the throat behind them.

“Unless anyone wants to go anywhere else...I think I’ll be leaving now,” said Jeremy.

Startled, Adam looked up, then he began to laugh. “So that’s how you got back here, is it?”

“Luckily, he’s more stubborn than I am,” Gus said, giddy with emotion and relief. As Jeremy waved and started to turn back into the house, he said, “Hey, wait a minute,” and tried to leap up to thank him on legs that suddenly would not cooperate. His equilibrium completely gone, he sank back down on his knees and would have collapsed headfirst on the steps if Adam hadn’t moved fast and reached out to grab him.

Blackness crept in from his peripheral vision and he clutched at Adam’s hands. “I think I need to sit down.”

“You are sitting down,” Adam said, alarmed.

“Then I think I need to _lie_ down.”

Jeremy knelt beside them. “He’s been fading in and out like this all afternoon. He should be in bed.”

Gus could hear them both talking to him but wasn’t able to form a coherent reply. He was dimly aware of them lifting him to his feet and walking him back in to the house, and it wasn’t until they lowered him onto the sofa and tried to make him lie back that his head began to clear.

“I’m all right,” he muttered, struggling to sit up. His back spasmed and he gasped.

“The hell you are,” Adam said, suddenly angry. “You might have been, if you’d stayed put where I left you this afternoon, instead of running all over LA.”

“You might want to get the doctor to look at him again,” Jeremy said to Adam in an undertone. “I think this is more than a bump on the head.”

“You bring a doctor anywhere near me,” Gus said weakly. “And I swear to God I will get back on that plane. Jeremy, please go home. You’ve done enough for me for one day...thank you.” He groped for Jeremy’s hand and squeezed it. “I’d like to hug you, but I think you’ll have to take a rain check.”

Jeremy motioned to Adam, who warned Gus to stay put and then followed the bodyguard out to the door.

“I’m not kidding. He’s really not well. If I could have stopped him, I would have, but he was determined to go. Keep a close eye on him, will you?”

Adam thanked him again and let him out, turning back to find Beth hovering anxiously behind him, looking more than a little concerned. Reassuring her that everything was under control, he told her she didn’t need to stay and sent her home.

Gus lay still with his eyes closed and when Adam returned he said, without moving, “I need you to do something for me. Bring me my backpack.”

Adam sat down beside him with it and although Gus eased himself up enough to take the bag from Adam, he couldn’t control his left hand enough to manage the zipper.

“All right, now you’re starting to scare me,” Adam said, and closed his fingers over Gus’ to keep them still. “Gus, _please_. Just tell me what you want.”

“In the inside pocket,” he murmured. Adam groped around until he found the bottle of pills, and then frowned at the label on them.

“This isn’t what the doctor gave you earlier.”

“No. I brought them down with me. They were prescribed to me after the accident. If I’m going to take any medication at all, I’m taking my own.”

Adam looked at the label again. “One or two?”

“Two,” Gus said, because he knew he had no choice. The spasms were already causing him to catch his breath. With any luck, the painkillers would kick in before the pain got too bad or there would be no way he would be able to hide it from Adam.

Adam didn’t question him further, but brought him water and made sure he drank it all down, forcing himself not to comment about the way Gus’ hands were shaking as he held the glass.

Noting the expression on Adam’s face, Gus made a half-hearted attempt to reassure him. “You don’t have to look so worried. I really am okay, you know.”

“No, you’re not. You’re white as a sheet and you can barely move. I think you’d be better off in bed.”

Short of being carried, there was no way that was going to happen, so Gus deliberately closed his eyes again and lay back, trying to look as comfortable as possible. “This is fine. I have to warn you though...those meds are going to knock me out.”

“Since that means you won’t be able to do anything stupid, I think that’s probably a good thing.”

Gus sighed, but the corners of his mouth twitched. “All right...so now we’re even. I’ll stop reminding you about _your_ stupid decision and you can stop reminding me about mine. Deal?”

“You didn’t let _me_ off that easy,” Adam said grimly. “I still have a few things to say to you when you’re strong enough to hear them.”

At that, Gus’ eyes opened again and he looked so unexpectedly distressed that Adam could have kicked himself for scolding him. “I _am_ sorry,” Gus whispered tiredly. “There are a lot of things that I want to try to explain to you.”

“Hush,” Adam said gently. “Go to sleep. We can talk later.”

 

* * * *

It was much later as it turned out. Freed from any imminent anxiety and extremely susceptible to the powerful medication he’d taken, Gus slept for six hours straight and only roused briefly when Adam coaxed him awake to ensure he had something to eat.

He was so drowsy that Adam practically had to hand feed him but once he was satisfied Gus had had enough, he went straight back to sleep, this time curled up with his head on Adam’s lap.  Afraid to move in case he disturbed Gus, Adam watched two very bad movies on cable, and eventually fell asleep himself at about three o’clock in the morning.

When he woke up he discovered that it was daylight, that he’d somehow stretched himself out on the sofa at some point, and that Gus had disappeared. He practically fell of the sofa scrambling to his feet, feeling a sudden flash of dread, but when he looked across the room Gus was sitting on a barstool at the island in the kitchen peeling an orange, still sleepy-eyed, but looking a hundred times better than he had the night before.

“Hi,” he said, and waved.

His hair was still damp from the shower and he had changed into a loose white t-shirt and khaki shorts. When Adam got closer, he was relieved to see that some of the natural color had returned to Gus’ face, although the bruise on his forehead was darkening to an ugly blue and there were still dark shadows of fatigue under his eyes.

“Good morning,” Gus said, and leaned up to hug Adam. There was a rush of sensation at the warm feel of Gus against him and Adam had to resist the temptation to pull Gus off the stool into his arms. Instead, he just circled his hands gently around Gus’ back and kissed him lightly on the temple.

“Are you all right?”

“Better. There’s only one of you this morning, so things are looking up. Not that I object to seeing more of you, but double vision isn’t a whole lot of fun.”

“You’ve been raiding my fridge, I see,” Adam said, easing Gus back down on his seat.

“Sorry. I was starving when I woke up. Do you want me to make you some breakfast?”

“I do _not_ ,” Adam said definitely. “I don't want you to do anything. _Anything_. You're going to stay off your feet for a couple of days.”

“I’m not on my feet,” Gus smiled, indicating the barstool.

“Don’t joke about it,” Adam said, suddenly very sober. “Do you know how badly you frightened me yesterday? I felt bad enough when I found out that you’d gone...how do you think it made me feel when I saw the shape you were in when you got here?”

Gus lowered his eyes. Adam didn’t know the half of it, thank God, but he knew perfectly well how far over the line he had pushed himself and how lucky he was that he was reasonably mobile this morning.

He was still feeling the effect of stress of the day before and the residual effects of the medication. He didn’t resist when Adam piloted him back to the sofa and made him lie down, and seemed content to stay put and watch television in between long naps. Feeling exhausted himself, Adam made the few phone calls he needed to and then crashed out on the other sofa and promptly fell asleep.

Tommy stopped by just after noon to see how Gus was and was astonished that he answered the door himself, despite looking very subdued and tired.

“What the hell are you doing up?” he said severely, walking her back inside.

“I just wanted a drink. And for heaven’s sake, shush. Adam’s asleep.”

Gus was touched at how blatantly relieved Tommy was to see that he was all right and meekly took the gentle scolding Tommy gave him for walking out of the hotel the day before. When he was finished, Gus pointed ruefully across the living room at Adam and said, “Consider yourself lucky. _He_ hasn’t even had his chance to tell me off yet.”

“I don’t think he’s going to be too hard on you,” Tommy replied. “He’s probably just too glad that you stayed.” He caught the uncertain look that crossed Gus’ face, and prodded, “You _are_ staying, aren’t you?”

Gus bit his lip. “Well, he and I have a lot to talk about. I’m just not sure where we’re going to end up.”

Tommy hesitated over that for a moment. “I know I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong...but is there something wrong between you two or are you just having a real problem with what happened at the hotel?”

“You,” Gus said, hugging him. “Can stick your nose in anytime you want. I need my friends right now. And I can’t answer your question because I don’t know. After what I did to him yesterday, I’m amazed he’s even speaking to me.”

“I’m not. I could tell by the sound of his voice when he called me last night. He was worried sick about you, but all he cared about was that you were back.” He squeezed Gus’ hand reassuringly. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“Oh no,” Gus agreed, rolling his eyes. “Nothing at all. There’s just that pesky privacy thing and a few _minor_ geographical issues, but that’s about it.”

Before he left, Tommy made Gus promise one thing. “If you start to feel that you really can’t stay, promise me that you’ll call me before you leave and give me at least one chance to talk you out of it.” Half-teasingly, he added, “It’s bad enough that it would break his heart. Don’t forget that you’d be breaking mine as well.”

 

* * * *

By the evening, the after-effects of the medication had worn off and Gus was feeling more himself. His head had finally cleared, but Adam, watching him closely, noticed that he was still somewhat unsteady on his feet and that his movements were still very careful and slow.

They were a little tentative around each other at first after they both woke from their respective naps.  Now that he could think straight again, Gus was starting to feel progressively worse about what he had done the day before, although Adam deliberately stayed off the topic while he made dinner for him. Instead, he talked to Gus about his plans for the next video and eventually, for the next album, trying desperately to lighten his mood.

Gus ate very little and said even less, and when the meal was over, Adam sighed and stood up and held out one hand to him.

“Come on. I think it’s time we talked.”

Reluctantly Gus let Adam help him up and they walked outside where the heat of the afternoon had given way to cool, still dusk. Adam flicked on the lights around the pool and then led Gus across the deck to where there was a large shaded swing, sat down, and drew Gus in beside him.

“All right,” he said quietly, turning Gus to face him. “I need you to tell me what happened yesterday.”

Gus dropped his eyes, and all the explanations he had been so carefully rehearsing all day suddenly seemed inadequate and trite.

“You said you panicked. About what? Was it was what happened at the hotel?” He was trying to keep his voice neutral. “Or was it more what happened the night before?”

Startled, Gus looked up, caught his breath and then let it out in a rush. “I know it sounds stupid,” he said wretchedly. “But it’s everything. _All_ of it.”

He caught hold of Adam’s hand and clutched it, frowning with the effort of trying to find the right words. He looked so intense that Adam just stayed as still as possible and waited, smoothing his fingers over Gus’ in an effort to ease some of his anxiety.

“If it helps,” he said softly after a long silence. “Tommy told me some of what you said to him yesterday. About how hard it was for you trying to get over the accident when there had been so much coverage about it.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate the sympathy,” Gus said in a low voice. “But it was the morbid curiosity I couldn’t stand. It was _everywhere_...all the time. I would be out on the street with those damn posters of me and Nick all over the place, and people would look from me to the poster and then back again, and then try _not_ to seem like they were looking.

“I know this is different. But I wasn’t expecting to feel so self-conscious. I wasn’t expecting to get that sick feeling whenever I see people staring at me. It took me months before I could get myself out of my apartment without freezing up every time somebody even glanced in my direction. And for some stupid reason, I was looking forward to coming down here because I figured nobody would know me.”

“That wasn’t the only reason, I hope,” Adam murmured, and felt Gus’ hand tighten on his.

“No. But I’m having a very hard time dealing with the attention. I admit it; it frightens me. It sounds ridiculous, I know, after being a cop for so long; people have shot at me, tried to stab me, tried to run me down with cars...I went through a horrible accident and survived; I learned to walk all over again...I’ve had to learn to be very strong, but I just can’t seem to get past this.”

He sat back a bit, seemingly embarrassed by his vehemence.

“I do understand what it feels like,” Adam said soberly.

“In some ways you do. But you’re also used to it. You can’t possibly know what it’s like for someone the first time they get hit with all the attention of being associated with you.”

Adam didn’t have an answer for that but Gus knew he’d made Adam think.

“And you were right,” he said, surprising himself with a sudden attack of candor. “About that not being the only reason I panicked.”

Gus felt Adam tense a little at that. “Meaning?”

“Meaning...” Gus groped about for a minute for a tactful way to put it and then just confessed, “Meaning I’ve never been sure whether or not I should have come down here in the first place.”

Adam tensed a little more and a trace of annoyance crept into his voice. “Are you saying you’re sorry that you did?”

“I’m not sorry,” Gus retorted, and felt a rush of inexplicable resentment and grief. “But can you explain to me why we’re starting something that we can’t finish? Don’t you think I should know better than to let you do this to me? What happens if this starts to get serious?”

Feeling suddenly overwhelmed and near to tears, he pulled his hand free and tried to get up. Angrily, Adam yanked him back and Gus had one brief glimpse of Adam’s furious expression before he grabbed his hard by the shoulders and kissed Gus so forcefully that he was unable to resist or move or breathe.  
   
Then he pushed Gus away and said emotionally, “ _That_ ’s why. And since you don’t appear to have noticed, I am _serious_.”

At that, Gus’ eyes did fill with tears and he crept back into Adam’s arms and clung to him until he felt some of the tension ebb away and his body relaxed.

“I’m sorry,” he choked. “Nothing I say is coming out the way I want it to.”

“It’s all right.” Eyes closed, Adam drew his finger along the curve of Gus’ jaw to tilt his face up and kissed him again, this time with such unbelievable gentleness that Gus began to shake. “I just hate to hear you say that coming here was a mistake. Don’t you know how much it means to me to have you here? When I found out you were gone yesterday, it hurt, Gus...a lot. But I know that you’re afraid of being hurt too...and I don’t want to hurt you. But I also don’t want you to go home.”

“It’s not going to be easier in ten days,” Gus whispered.

“But that’s more ten days we get to spend together,” Adam said persuasively, and Gus had to smile.

“Ten more days for me to get attached to you, you mean.”

Adam lifted his hand and pressed his mouth against Gus’ palm and Gus had an unexpected glimpse of Adam feeling very vulnerable and unguarded. “Is that what you’re worried about?” he said slowly, “Getting too attached to me?”

“The last guy I got attached to...” Gus said in a husky voice. “It didn’t work out so well.”

He dropped his head so Adam was unable to see his face. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to ask, but when Gus remained silent, Adam ventured, “You’ve never told me anything about that. Maybe you should, then I’ll know what I’m up against.”

“You’re not up against anything. I’m not making comparisons.”

“You might feel better if you tell me. Come on.” Adam drew Gus in against him and tucked his head down into his shoulder. “What happened?”

Gus took a very long breath. It was very dark and very quiet and they were completely alone. Adam made no other attempt to coax him into speaking, and finally, the need to tell Adam overcame his inability to put the experience into words but his voice was still very hesitant and low.

"At the time of my accident, I was seeing somebody. He's a lawyer with our provincial court system...sort of the same thing as your district attorney. I met him when he was the advisor on one of my undercover cases. We were very serious, but we'd been having some problems, mostly over my job. He really didn't like me working undercover."

"I can't say I blame him for that."

"No, and neither did I. But if Ted was honest about it, his biggest problem wasn't really the work, it was my partner."

Gus held up two crossed fingers. "I know I’ve told you before...Nick and I were like this. You get that way with your undercover partner. And we just happened to be extraordinarily close friends as well. So Ted wasn't just bothered about the risky work, he was bothered by my relationship with Nick. He put a lot of pressure on me to drop the undercover work, and eventually I did, but mostly because Nick had already decided to give it up. He and Michelle had just gotten married, and they wanted to start a family right away, so he wanted to be around more. But before we got reassigned, the Police Services Division approached us about the Take Back The Streets campaign. They wanted two young cops who could relate easily to the kids, and who looked good together...we just happened to fit the bill. But the campaign got much bigger than either of us ever expected, between the posters and billboards, television commercials, radio ads...you name it. On top of that we went all over the place promoting it to schools and looking for corporate funding. I probably did more public appearances in some months than _you_ did."

"And your boyfriend wasn't happy about that?"

"Not really. And Ted is...well, he's very up-and-coming, and he moves in some pretty powerful circles and I don't doubt that one day he will be the chief legal counsel in the province. He started getting ribbed by all his high-class friends about the fact that you couldn't go anywhere in the city without seeing a picture of me with Nick, or hearing about me with Nick, and it really started to get on his nerves. Eventually, he just came right out and asked me to give it up.”

Adam raised his eyebrows. “I don’t imagine you took that very well.”

“No. Probably about the same as if I asked you to give up singing. Anyway, we had a very serious fight about it and he pretty much told me that if I couldn’t give it up, things were over.”

“So...it was over?”

“No,” Gus said a bit grimly. “It was a very busy week. One day we had the fight and stopped talking to each other, then a couple of days later he showed up my apartment, took it all back, said he didn’t care if I stayed on with the campaign and asked me to marry him.”

Gus felt Adam’s start of surprise. “And you said?”

“I said I’d think about it. I wasn’t trying to get back at him by making him wait...I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. But unfortunately, I never got a chance to give him his answer. The day after that was the day of the accident.”

Gus went absolutely still for a moment, and then said, “I try very hard not to judge people without putting myself in their position, and I know that everyone has things that they simply can’t handle. In his case, he couldn’t stand the thought of me being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.”

Instinctively, Adam tightened his arm around Gus, making him smile. “To be fair, you have to understand that the doctors told him very early on that the chances of me walking again were just about nil. For the first few days, they weren’t even giving me good odds on making it. So he was scared. And it must have been pretty freaky, seeing me in Intensive care on a respirator with all those tubes and wires and monitors.” He shuddered and shook his head. “Some people just can’t face that kind of thing. In his case, he just couldn’t bear to come anywhere near me. So that was it.”

“What do you mean that was it?” Adam sat straight up and turned to stare at Gus open-mouthed.

“I mean that was it. The first time I saw him after I woke up in the hospital, I knew he couldn’t handle it. Don’t get me wrong. He called every day. He sent flowers. He even came to see me a lot, but he used to be so uncomfortable around me that I finally asked him to stop. He seemed relieved...like I let him off the hook. Besides, I think he felt horribly guilty. After all, he wanted me off the police force and he wanted Nick out of my life, and he got what he wanted, on both counts.”

“That’s pretty a brutal assumption, Gus.”

“I had a lot of time to think,” he replied. “And it was the only way I could justify him not being there for me.” The words seemed to choke him and there was a pause while he gathered himself again. “Michelle was. She’d just lost her husband, but she hardly left me the entire time I was in the hospital. I didn’t much care whether I lived or died, but she pestered me and bullied me into getting better. The only thing she couldn’t do was give me back my self-confidence. It was pretty much shot. Still is,” he added, as an afterthought.

He fell silent. The effort it had taken for him to confide in Adam seemed to have exhausted him all over again. They sat without speaking while Adam struggled to digest everything that Gus had said.

It explained a lot.

“I’m glad you told me,” he said finally and heard Gus’ rueful laugh.

“So now you know why I’m so screwed up. The accident pretty much messed me up inside _and_ out.”

“You’re not screwed up,” Adam said impatiently. “You’ve been through so much...you should cut yourself some slack. I can’t pretend that I understand how anybody could let you down like that, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Gus’ shoulders twitched. “Yeah, well...you blame yourself. It’s part of the survivor syndrome.”

Restlessly, he sat up and Adam let him go, aware that Gus was feeling very raw and emotional. He sat on the edge of the seat, scuffing one foot back and forth against the ground and trying to compose himself.

“This is a lot more complicated than you were expecting, huh?” he said in an attempt at humor.

“Not now that I understand things better,” Adam said slowly. “And I like you complicated. Makes you more interesting.” He inched forward until he was up beside Gus and could see his face dimly in the shadows. “Now that you’ve said what you needed to say, can I have a turn?”

Gus met his gaze for a second and then his eyes dropped away, but he nodded.

“As far as starting something we can’t finish...that’s not the way I look at it. I know that things will be difficult, but I still want to find out where this goes. Right now, that means spending the next week and a half with you. You can say I’m not being realistic...and maybe I’m not...but that doesn’t change the way I feel about it. And if you’re really worried about me getting serious, you can stop. You’re too late.” He nudged Gus with his elbow. “Do you understand me? _You’re too late_.”

A hot flush went through Gus and he smiled tremulously, and slid his arms up around Adam’s neck to hold him.

They agreed to take things very slowly, although in the end, neither could tell whether they were disappointed or relieved at the thought of holding back from each other. Gus, his emotions ricocheting wildly, seriously doubted he would be able to stop himself if things got too intense between them, and even Adam, who approached intimacy with great caution and respect, felt much the same way. By talking about it, they took some of the pressure off each other, although neither of them bothered to get very specific about where they were actually drawing the line.

As a result, they kept tripping over it accidentally.


	13. Chapter 13

"I can't believe you didn't wake me," Gus said to Adam the next morning, when he finally emerged from his room aghast at how late it was.

"I can't believe that you slept later than I did," Adam replied. "But you must have needed it. I stuck my head in your room to check on you about an hour ago."

Gus settled into the patio chair Adam held out for him and blinked at the bright sunlight. "Well, it _did_ take me a long time to get to sleep last night."

"I know. I had the same problem." Adam sat back down beside him and then glanced at him over the top of his sunglasses. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"My head doesn't hurt at all," he said absently, pouring juice.

"That's good...but I'm not talking about your head." For lack of anything better to do, Adam picked up a fork and studied it intently. "I just wanted to make sure that you weren't having any second thoughts about what we talked about last night."

Gus choked on his first mouthful and stared at Adam. "Why, are you?"

Adam put the fork down. "I didn't say that."

"But are you?"

"I asked you first."

Color crept into his face but Gus didn’t look away. “No.”

Adam said nothing, but smiled and leaned across and kissed his cheek.

Still trying to unwind from the strain they had both been under, they spent a quiet day together by the pool, venturing in only when it got too hot and generally doing nothing more than relaxing in each other’s company. Later in the day, Gus, feeling more his usual wicked self, decided they should call Michelle McGavison and put her on the speaker phone in the kitchen, where they carried on a long three-way conversation while he and Adam cooked dinner.

“I should have known you’d cause all kinds of trouble down there,” Michelle remarked when Gus told her about the incident in the hotel lobby. “You should come with a warning label.”

“Now you tell me,” said Adam.

“Can I help it if disaster and mayhem follow this man wherever he goes? Did he tell you what he did on my wedding day?”

“Oh, please,” Gus muttered. “Not that again.”

“We were twenty-five minutes late for the ceremony because he made the limo driver stop at the side of the road to rescue a cat that had been hit by a car. And there she was, in the back of the limo on Gus’s lap, all banged up and bleeding... over a very nice tux, I might add...all the way to the vet’s, which thank God was at least on the way to the church, or we would still be there. My father nearly had a stroke. And I’m having forty-fits worrying that Nick is thinking that I’ve had an attack of cold feet, and all he did was laugh when he heard about it.”

“At least _he_ understood me,” Gus said defensively. “I can’t help it if I’m an animal lover.”

“ _And_ he kept the blasted thing. I don’t think you’ve met Lucien, have you?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure,” said Adam who was trying not to laugh.

“Well, he’s very lordly. Don’t sit in his chair, don’t play with his toys and don’t stop scratching him behind the ears until _he_ decides that you should stop...and you should get along fine.”

“Speaking of spoiled rotten,” said Gus. “How’s Brian?”

“He misses you. You’ve never been away before, you know. He keeps asking when you’re coming home.”

“Tell him nine more sleeps.”

“I’m not telling him anything until you know for sure what your plans are,” Michelle said pointedly. “So he’s not disappointed when you stay away longer than that.”

Gus went bright red. Adam raised his eyebrows and pointed at the phone. “I told you I liked her.”

“And on that note,” Michelle said cheerfully. “I’ve got to go. I’m sure he’ll tell you that I’m very good at winding people up and then making a fast getaway. Have fun you two. Gus, I’ll see you when I see you.”

The reminder did nothing for Gus’s mood, but Adam, having caught him scowl, wisely changed the subject. During dinner, he waited until there was a break in the conversation and then casually mentioned that he was thinking of throwing a party.

“I’m not talking about anything fancy. But if it’s okay with you, I thought maybe one night this week we’d have some people over. Not a lot. Just a few friends I’d like you to meet. Would you mind?”

“No, of course not. When? Tomorrow?”

“No,” Adam said smugly. “Tomorrow we’ve got plans.”

“We do?”

“We do. But it’s a surprise; so don’t pester me for details. But we won’t be back until late...that is, if you’re feeling up to it.”

“How can I tell you if I feel up to it if I don’t know what it is?” Gus said irritably.

Adam considered that for a moment. “Good point. Okay then, you’ll just have to trust me. Don’t worry...it’s only the two of us.”

He refused to tell Gus any more than that. After they finished their meal and cleaned up the kitchen, they fished through Adam’s video collection and he showed Gus some of the hours of videos he’d made during his theater days.

Gus sat on the floor in front of the sofa, as was his preference, and Adam stretched out behind him with his head propped on one hand, giving Gus a running commentary of the people and places.

“Wait, _wait_!” Gus said, wrestling the remote off Adam when he tried to fast-forward through some old footage. “Oh my God, you were so cute!”

“It’s amazing what a few stylists can do for your image,” Adam said, wincing at a few particularly unstylish shots. “Are you sure we can’t skip this part?”

“Actually, you look very nice. Very young, but I’ve always been partial to young men.” Gus glanced over his shoulder at Adam and smiled at the look on his face. “Not that I’m complaining about this year’s model. But you’re different now. A lot more mature and self-assured and... well, worldly. Like you’ve been around.”

“I’m not sure I like that,” Adam said ruefully.

“I do. But when you compare _you_ now with _him_ then... I’m just saying he looks really young and uncertain in this video. Like he’s still trying to figure out who he is and where he belongs.” Gus tilted his head back for a second so that it rested against Adam’s chest. “And very corruptible. Boy, I could have taught him a thing or two.”

“Don’t let me stop you from trying,” Adam replied softly. “Maybe I haven’t learned those particular lessons yet.” He leaned his head in over Gus’ shoulder and when Gus turned his head towards him, kissed him unexpectedly, making Gus drop the remote.

“No, you seem pretty well educated,” he said after minute.

“Are you sure?” Adam said, touching his mouth to Gus’ ear. “Is there an equivalency test I can take to be certain?”

“I’m sure there is,” Gus replied in amusement, trying to edge away. “But I thought we agreed we weren’t going to take that particular test.”

“Yes, we did,” Adam sighed, then hooked an arm around Gus’ neck and held him back so he could nuzzle his throat. “But we didn’t say we wouldn’t study.”

“Stop,” Gus said, trying to be stern despite the shivers that were running through him. “Hey...don’t do that! That’s definitely against the rules. You’re really asking for it, you know.”

“Yes,” Adam agreed and then broke up laughing. “I guess I am. And I guess that’s your way of telling me I’m not going to get it, right?”

Gus gave him a push. “I’m telling you I expect you to keep your part of the bargain. And stop tempting me.”

“Temptation is good for the soul,” Adam observed.

“Oh, so it’s my _soul_ you’re worried about. And here I thought you were just after cheap thrills.”

“You’re the one who said you wanted to corrupt me.”

“I think I’m too late.” Gus scooted out of Adam’s reach and went to the DVD Player to eject the DVD. “And speaking of late, it’s late. What time are we heading out on this mystery adventure tomorrow?”

Adam lay back and closed his eyes. “There’s no particular time. Whenever we get up.”

“Noon, in other words?”

“I was up before _you_ were today, smart ass.”

“That was an exception. I’m usually up much earlier than that.”

Adam could tell by Gus’ voice that he’d come back to kneel beside the sofa. He opened one eye to look at Gus and then promptly shut it again. Gus propped his elbows on the edge of the cushion but regarded Adam warily in case he made any sudden moves.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Adam said. “You have my permission to come and wake me up anytime you want.”

“Not on your life,” Gus retorted. “I’ve been warned about you. I think I’ll just wait until you’re nice and awake all by yourself.” Since Adam wasn’t looking, Gus risked leaning over to kiss him, then pulled away before Adam could reach up to hold him. “Goodnight.”

Adam’s eyes had opened again, full of a mixture of amusement and regret. “All right. Sleep well.” As Gus stood up, Adam took hold of his hand and tugged on it gently. “It’s good to see you looking so much better, you know. You really had me worried for awhile.”

“Well, I’ve got somebody taking good care of me,” Gus replied softly. He lifted Adam’s hand up to brush a kiss on his knuckles before letting it go and turning away with a smile. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

* * * *

Gus had to eat his words when he wandered out of his room mid-morning to find that Adam had actually already been up long enough to eat breakfast, return most of his messages and spend some time signing a supply of 8 x 10's for the fan club.

"If I don't do a few every day," he apologized to Gus. "I can't keep up."

"I believe it,” Gus said, looking over his shoulder. "Nice picture. Now would you please explain why this was on the end of my bed when I woke up?"

He plunked it down in front of Adam.

Adam raised his eyebrows at him. "What does it look like?"

"It looks like a towel with a bow on it."

"No."

"No? It's not a towel with a bow on it?"

"Not exactly."

Gus sighed. "All right, Regis...I'll play. So, what is it...exactly?"

"It's a _beach_ towel with a bow on it."

"Oh. Well. That clears it up then." Gus punched him on the shoulder. "Don’t I get any more of an explanation that that?"

"I'm just keeping my promise," Adam said in mock offense. "I'm surprised you don't remember. You were the one making such a fuss about it."

Gus looked completely perplexed for a minute, then suddenly realization dawned and he grinned.

" _Beach_ towel," he said.

"Very good."

"Is that where we're going today?"

"It is," Adam confirmed. "But first, you have to go away and let me get this done. And be warned; it's a bit of a drive. You don't mind, do you?"

To be honest, traveling by car still made him very edgy but Gus was hardly going to tell Adam that, so he just shook his head and hugged Adam. "I don't mind. I'll leave you alone. You just tell me when you're ready to leave."

In the early afternoon, they headed out. Used to packing for day trips that were like mini-safaris, Gus was a bit dubious at his insistence that all he needed bring was his towel and a bathing suit.

"I can skip the bathing suit, because if you think I'm swimming in the ocean, you're crazy," he told Adam. "First of all, I hate salt water. Second of all...I've seen Jaws. And by the way, are planning on wearing a bag over your head all day, or how are we going to manage you being in a crowd of people?"

"This is a private beach," Adam explained. "The property is actually owned by one of the guys from our record company. He has about six miles of oceanfront on his estate and he offered to let me use it. There isn't going to be anybody else there."

"Oh," Gus said, obviously pleased.

"I thought you'd like that."

There was one tense moment on the drive. While at a high rate of speed on the highway, a car on the far right side suddenly changed lanes without looking and crossed into the path of a jeep in the middle lane of traffic. The jeep swerved abruptly, directly in front of Adam, causing him to slam on the brakes hard enough to throw both him and Gus against their seat-belts. Adam managed to avoid the other vehicle with a fair amount of room to spare, but it was still close enough to rattle him. Looking over at Gus to check on him, he found that Gus was absolutely bone-white and his eyes were clenched shut.

As soon as he could, he pulled over.

Gus seemed nearly catatonic, neither responding to Adam’s voice or his touch when he pried Gus’ hands off the dashboard and tried to turn Gus to face him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...it's okay. Are you all right?" Then, frightened by his blankness, Adam said more sharply, "Look at me, Gus. Come on. You're fine, everything is fine...breathe for God's sake, will you?"

He finally had to put both hands on either side of Gus’ face to force his head up before he gasped and began struggling for air. His body was completely rigid and for several long minutes he could do nothing but shake and sob while Adam held him, appalled at how absolutely terrified he was.

Gradually he calmed, but it wasn't until Adam felt his body relax that he gently released Gus and let him sit back. He continued to smooth Gus’ hair until he managed to compose himself and gave Adam an unsteady smile.

"We'll go back," Adam said gently. "I'm so sorry...I never knew it was still that bad."

Gus wiped his eyes. "No...please, I'm okay...I have to get used to this. I should have warned you. I'm...I'm usually fine when I'm driving myself, but I still panic a lot when I'm a passenger. I guess I feel less in control."

"Do you want to drive?" Adam asked dubiously.

Gus looked down at his trembling hands. "Probably not a good plan. Let's just keep going."

"Are you sure?"

Gus took a deep breath. "Yeah. Let's just hope we've already seen all the idiots we're going to see today."

Adam wasn't entirely convinced and took the first opportunity to detour off onto the back-roads where there was less traffic. As a result, the trip took longer, but Gus was clearly more comfortable at the slower pace and as the miles passed, he was gradually able to shake off the scare.

When they reached the coast, he made Adam pull over so he could get out and look at the ocean.

“If you can just wait another half an hour,” Adam said, shaking his head at Gus’ enthusiasm. “I’ll throw you in myself.”

Gus was more than a little taken aback at the sheer size of the estate that they drove on to. There were what seemed to be miles of beautifully manicured lawns surrounding a more than impressive house, but instead of continuing up the main driveway, Adam turned off onto a side road that led down through the trees and finally ended up on the bluffs overlooking the ocean, where a large timbered beach house was perched on stilts well above the water level, with a long twisting set of stairs that led down to the sand.

When they stopped, Gus sat staring at the house for a moment, then looked over at Adam with his eyebrows raised. “Nice little shack.”

“Yeah, well, it helps to have friends in high places. Are you coming in or not?”

Somebody had obviously expected them, because the house was unlocked, and the large patio doors had been opened onto the deck. Gus walked straight through them to look at the water and when Adam came out to stand beside him, Gus couldn’t help throwing his arms around Adam and nearly choking him in his excitement.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the thanks,” Adam said, hugging him back. “But I don’t get this. Haven’t you ever seen a beach before?”

“I have to go a little farther than you do to get to the ocean,” Gus said ruefully. “All the beaches anywhere close to me are lake beaches. It’s not the same. We don’t get the waves and the seashells and all that stuff. I know it sounds stupid,” he added, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “But I’ve just always loved the ocean. So humor me, okay?”

“That’s why I brought you here,” Adam replied.“So now you tell me...what do you want to do? Walk? Swim? Fish? Throw rocks? Build sandcastles?”

“Eat...actually,” Gus admitted. “Which is why I was wondering why we didn’t pack any food...”

“It’s all under control. Come here.”

Whatever arrangements he’d made for the use of the house had clearly included stocking the fridge, because it was full of everything from sandwiches to fruit to snacks and drinks.  They packed a little cooler and took a blanket and walked down the edge of the water where Gus was willing to temporarily forgo everything else in order to satisfy his appetite.

“Do you get out to the beach much?” he asked Adam, cross-legged on the blanket. Having devoured a sandwich, some fruit and a bottle of lemonade, he was now digging in the bottom of the cooler for dessert.

“No. Pretty much for all the obvious reasons. I’ve been up here a few times with friends. You look about twelve years old sitting there, do you know that?”

“I’m reliving my childhood,” Gus teased. In his loose t-shirt and cut-offs, with breeze blowing through his hair, he suddenly looked completely stress-free and more comfortable than Adam had ever seen him. “Why are you smiling at me?”

“I’m glad to see you enjoying yourself, that’s all. Having fun. Just relaxing.” With one hand, Adam pushed his fingers through Gus’ hair. “I don’t think you’ve had much of a chance to do that in the past year or so, have you?”

“No,” Gus said very soberly staring down at the ground, and then his mouth twitched. “But I will admit that it helps to have the right company.”

He glanced up at Adam from beneath lowered lids making him catch his breath and wonder what effect this man would have on him if he was trying to be provocative. As if he read Adam’s thoughts, Gus suddenly blushed and the curve of his mouth widened but he didn’t look away.

“Are you done?” Adam asked, feeling the sudden urge to get up and get moving before other urges took over. He stood up and held one hand out to Gus. Gus put one last bite of cookie into his mouth, licked his fingers like a child and let Adam pull him to his feet.

There was no end of the beach in sight in either direction, so they just wandered off one way, venturing into the waves up to their knees and kicking water at each other to cool off. Getting somewhat carried away, Gus soaked Adam with one particularly enthusiastic splash and then had to dodge into deeper water to avoid retaliation.

“Whoa, look out,” Adam said suddenly, pulling Gus off to one side.

“Okay! Sorry, sorry...don’t throw me in. I promise, I won’t do it again.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Adam said, pointing, “Man of war.”

“Man o’ War was a racehorse,” Gus replied, craning his neck to see what Adam was looking at. “Heck, even I know that.”

“It’s a jellyfish, you twit, and you won’t think it’s so funny if you get stung.”

When Gus looked around bemusedly, Adam pointed again and Gus could see something moving gently, just beneath the surface of the water. With a yelp, he reversed direction and backed up into Adam so hard that he had to put his arms out to steady Gus and unexpectedly got the benefit of the feel of Gus pressed tightly against him in wet clothes. “Yuck. And you wanted me to go swimming?”

“Relax, it’s not going to chase you. You just don’t want to get too close.”

“I don’t want to get close, period,” Gus said firmly, towing Adam back into ankle deep water. “I’ll just hang out here by the sand, thanks.”

By the time they thought about turning around, the breeze had picked up enough to completely dry their clothes but Adam was eyeing the rest of the weather with dismay.

“I think we’re going to get rained on.”

“We are?” Gus said doubtfully, squinting up at the sun.

“Clouds over there,” Adam said, indicating the horizon. “And stormy weather moves in really fast off the water. Come on, we’ve got a long walk back.”

The clouds moved only slightly faster than they did and they managed to beat all but the first few drops by running like mad for the last hundred yards or so.

“That makes no sense, you know,” Gus gasped, falling flat onto the one of the huge divans in the main room of the beach house. “We spend two hours wading around and getting soaked and then we run like idiots to avoid the rain.”

“It should be pointed out that I only soaked you back,” Adam replied. “I was the original _soak-ee_ , if you’ll remember. And here...I think these are yours.”

He emptied his shirt pocket of the dozen or so shells that Gus had collected to take back for Brian and badgered him into carrying, having observed that the pockets in cutoff denim shorts, especially saltwater-soaked-sun-dried cutoff denim shorts, were far too tight for carrying anything.

“I’d noticed that,” Adam had remarked admiringly at the time.

Now, Adam helped Gus wash out and dry all the shells while they watched the sky darken outside and the wind start to lash the rain against the patio doors. When Gus had put the shells safe in a plastic bag and left them by his shoes so he wouldn’t forget them, he came back to where Adam was sitting by the windows and draped his arms around Adam’s neck from behind.

“So much for the day at the beach, huh?” he said regretfully.

“The rain won’t last,” Adam replied. “By the time it gets dark, the sky should have cleared.” He turned his head to look at Gus and was close enough to notice how the day in the sun had dusted color all over his face. “If we get lucky, the evening might be really nice.”

“How long are we staying?” Gus asked.

“As long as you want.”


	14. Chapter 14

They raided the fridge again and ate cold roast chicken and salad at the little table in the kitchenette, having loaded up the CD changer on the stereo with selections from the assortment in the entertainment unit and cranked up the volume until the whole house was full of music. As Adam had predicted, dusk brought clearing skies, but the resulting drop in the temperature made it somewhat chilly when they ventured back out on the deck.

“Do you want to go back down to the water?” he asked as Gus stood leaning out over the railing and he smiled at Adam and nodded.

Armed with blankets, they made their way down the stairs and found a relatively dry spot on the sand near the edge of the incoming tide.

“I think I should have dressed a bit warmer,” Gus said, shivering in the breeze and then gave Adam an inquiring look when he seemed indignant.

“Do I not keep telling you that I have everything under control?” he said severely. “You just don’t trust me, do you?”

“That depends,” Gus said a minute later when Adam sank down on the blanket, wrapped another one around his shoulders and held up one hand to him. “What exactly am I trusting you with here? This looks remarkably like a set-up.”

“Just come here.”

Gus knelt down in front of Adam, narrowing his eyes at him with suspicion, and impatiently Adam turned Gus around and pulled him in between his knees until Gus was leaning back against him and Adam was able to wrap the ends of the blanket around him, sealing them both up in a tight cocoon.

“I _knew_ this was a set-up,” Gus said.

“Do you want your own blanket?” Adam said, very close to his ear. “I can go and sit way over _there_ , if you’d like...”

“No. _No_. This is good.”

Gus sat snuggled against Adam until he felt a sigh go through Adam and he tilted his head back inquiringly.

“Something wrong?”

Gus felt the negative shake of Adam’s head, but all he said was, “Are you warm enough?”

“Mmm.” The heat of Adam’s body against his had erased the chill. All the mischievousness of the afternoon had disappeared and now there was nothing at all playful about the way Adam was holding him. The heightened physical awareness between them was almost tangible, but Gus had no inclination to try and resist it.

It was absolutely quiet except for the sound of the incoming waves. Reluctant to break the spell, neither of them spoke or moved, and neither was aware of the time passing in their contentment to be together.

“What are you thinking about?” Adam whispered a little while later.

Eyes closed, Gus hugged Adam’s arms in a little closer. “Actually, I was just thinking about what a wonderful time I’ve had today. I still can’t believe all the trouble you went through to do this for me.”

“Why is it so hard to believe? I happen to think you’re worth spoiling. Don’t you understand that?” There was a pause before Adam started again in a voice that was hushed and emotional. “I get so much from you. I just need to give back, whatever way I can.”

“You do,” Gus said softly. “You always do. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it gets a little scary sometimes.”

“Like now?”

“Sort of. This gets...I don’t know...” Gus took a shaky breath. “Pretty overwhelming. Feeling so many things at once, I mean.”

“I can tone down the romance if it will help,” Adam teased.

“No...” Gus’ arms tightened against Adam’s. “This feels too nice.”

Adam dropped his head down over Gus’ shoulder and after a moment, he kissed Gus slowly along one cheek. Caught off guard, Gus gasped.

“Something wrong?”

“No. Yes. Is that your idea of toning it down?”

“Sorry. You _did_ say that I didn’t have to.”

“I know, but...” Despite himself, Gus pressed closer to Adam and when he couldn’t remember why he was protesting in the first place, said weakly, “Oh hell...if you’re going to kiss me, at least do it properly.”

It wasn’t easy maneuvering in a tangle of blankets, but Gus managed to turn around until they were face to face, and before Adam had a chance to make another smart remark, Gus pulled his head down to his and kissed him until he was breathless.

“That’s for teasing me,” Gus muttered against Adam’s mouth. “Not just tonight, but last night too.”

It was too dark to see clearly, but he saw the way Adam’s eyes closed while he let out a long breath. When they opened again, they focused on the curve of Gus’ lips as if he very badly wanted Gus to keep going.

“Don’t look at me that way,” Gus said.

“Then don’t kiss me that way,” Adam replied. “And if you think that was teasing, you’ve got a lot to learn. One of these days I’m going to show you what it means to be teased by me.”

Gus’ mouth opened slightly and Adam had to grit his teeth and look away. “And you know what? We’ve got a long drive back. Maybe we should get going.”

Gus said nothing but he nodded, recognizing that the mood between them was moving back into that area they’d agreed to avoid. As reluctant as he was to leave, it was clear that staying any longer was just going to compound the frustration.

They packed up in silence but as they locked up the house, Adam suddenly turned and slid his arms around Gus. “Thanks for coming out with me today,” he muttered gruffly, holding Gus tightly against him in a brief, fierce hug. “I had a great time, too.”

There wasn’t a lot of conversation on the way home but Gus was content to just sit half-facing Adam while he drove. Catching Gus watching him, Adam smiled and stretched out one finger to touch Gus’ cheek, then immediately withdrew it when Gus raised his eyebrows at him.

“Sorry...I know. Both hands on the wheel, right?”

“Please,” Gus said with an embarrassed shrug. “It’s not _your_ driving I’m worried about. It’s all the other lunatics out there.”

Fortunately, it was late enough that the traffic was light, and Gus, for whom driving in the dark was even worse than in the daytime, didn’t feel half as nervous as he usually did, even when Adam had to pull onto the highway.

"Why do you always do that?" he said suddenly, when one of Adam’s songs came on the radio and he switched stations.

Adam looked surprised. "I don't know. I guess I feel a bit silly listening to myself….”

"Well, put it back," Gus said, punching the recall button. "I like listening to you, even if you don't."

“And...I suppose I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to be reminded.”

“About what?”

“About what I do for a living.”

That baffled Gus.“Why on earth would you think that?”

Adam cast him a sideways glance. “Because everything that goes along with it makes you uncomfortable. Because I think you’d like it better if I wasn’t a celebrity. Are you going to try and tell me I’m wrong?”

“As a matter of fact,” Gus retorted indignantly. “You are.”

Adam looked skeptical, and Gus leaned forward to get his attention. “What you do is an incredibly important part of your life. If that were taken away, you would end up being a completely different person, and one that I might not like. I happen to believe that everything a person goes through in their life is what makes them who they are, and if that person is important to you, you can’t just wish away the parts of their life that might be inconvenient or difficult. Learning to deal with the public part of your life is _my_ problem...not yours.”

Sitting back, he added a bit bleakly, “I happen to know what it’s like when someone can’t understand what you do for a living. And I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who wanted to change me _and_ who couldn’t accept the negative things that were going on in my life. So do me a favor...don’t go making any assumptions about what you think I want you to be. I’m here because I chose to be here and I don’t want you to be any different from exactly who and what you are.”

Taken aback at his sudden display of bitterness, Adam turned to look at Gus and he found Gus was staring out the side window with his jaw clenched. It still astonished him that Gus’ insecurities were so strong that they occasionally got the better of him and he had to remind himself  “again” that what Gus had been through had completely eroded his self-esteem and his belief in himself.

“It’s only because I don’t want any of it to frighten you off,” Adam said softly, and despite Gus’ earlier admonition about road safety, reached out and took his hand. “I know how hard it is for you. But I’m sorry. You’re right; I shouldn’t be trying to protect you from it. I know you’ve got to deal with it in your own way.”

Gus heaved a quick breath and then offered Adam an unsteady smile. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. You’re the last person I should be snapping at, especially after all you’ve done for me today.”

“I _was_ hoping it would take a little longer for the effect to wear off,” Adam said with a grimace. “Does this mean I’m going to have to take you back again?”

“No,” Gus said shakily. “You’ve done enough to overwhelm me today. You’ve got to give me a break...a boy can only take so much.”

He squeezed Adam’s hand and Adam knew he wasn’t exaggerating. After flaring up, his defenses had crashed down again, leaving him feeling very emotional and exposed.

“All right,” Adam agreed. “You’re off the hook for tonight. But I’m warning you...don’t expect that I’m not going to try again tomorrow.”

* * * *

  
  
For obvious reasons, there were few places that Adam and Gus could go together in public, and as a result, they spent most of their time at the house. They did venture out a couple of times to Adam’s private club to work out, although Gus found he was far too distracted by the sight of _him_ working out to concentrate on any yoga.

On Saturday afternoon, Adam reluctantly went out to a business meeting that he couldn’t reschedule. By the time he returned, he found that Gus had occupied himself by helping Beth prepare for the party that evening, and that the house was spotless, the fridge was full of food and Gus was already eating his way nervously through the crab-dip.

“I don’t know why you get so wound up about these things,” Adam said, moving the platter out of his reach. “These are my friends. Half of them you already know, and the other half are dying to meet you. So relax.”

Gus tried, with only partial success, but was relieved by the fact that Sophie and Isaac were among the first to arrive.

“Howdy, Gus,” Isaac said, giving him a hug. “You look a heck of a lot better than you did than the last time I saw you. How’s the head?”

“Fine thanks. And you look remarkably restrained tonight. What’s the occasion?”

He sighed. “There’s no pleasing you, is there? I dress up, I get a hard time...I dress down, I get a hard time.”

Sophie looked heavenward. “Is this going to be an entire evening of you two sparring with each other? If so, I’m going to knock you both in the pool right now and get it over with.” She pointedly suggested that Isaac go and circulate and then took Gus by the elbow and pulled him into the kitchen. “You do look great. I’d say that being here agrees with you. How’s everything going?”

“Good,” said Gus, blushing furiously.

Sophie raised her eyebrows. “No more problems like you had at the hotel?”

“No, but I’ve been keeping my head down. We haven’t really gone anywhere where anybody might see us.” He blushed again. “Not that being stuck here has been much of a hardship.”

“I don’t imagine it has,” Sophie said dryly. “Well, I’ll give you a call one day next week and we’ll go shopping.” At Gus’s dubious expression, she added, “And don’t worry...the places I go shopping are far too expensive for the teenyboppers. We won’t get hassled, I promise. Uh oh...someone’s looking for you.”

“Are you into the crab dip again?” Adam said from behind, making Gus jump. “Or just hiding? Never mind the excuses...come with me. There are people who want to meet you.”

Swallowing his nerves, Gus walked around with him while Adam introduced him to those people he didn’t already know. Adam’s friends were obviously curious about him, and while they were all very kind and friendly, Gus still had to squash the feeling of being under inspection. It helped that Isaac and Sophie were so clearly in his corner, as their opinions obviously counted for a lot in the eyes of those people who were meeting him for the first time.

He gained another supporter when Jeremy arrived. Unaware that Adam had even invited him, Gus was delighted to finally have the chance thank him properly for what Jeremy had done for him earlier in the week. Jeremy was suitably embarrassed when Gus hugged him and protested that he was only doing his job, but admitted to Gus privately that he’d had his own reasons.

“I’ve been around Adam a lot, and I like him. And I like you. I happen to think that the two of you are really good together.” He shrugged. “So I broke Bodyguard Rule Number One...don’t get involved. But judging by the way you look, I’d say it was worth it.”

“I’ll try not be any more trouble,” Gus teased, but he couldn’t hide how flattered he was.

“Where are the rest of the gang?”

“Monte and Lisa had plans with her family. Cam said she’d drop by later. I don’t know where Tommy is...he did promise he’d come.”

When Tommy did finally show up, he was in the company of a very pretty young woman with close-cut, glossy black hair and a look on her face that suggested that she was absolutely petrified at the idea of attending a party with him.

“This is Anna,” Tommy said, hugging Gus and murmuring in his ear, “And she’s really, really shy, and really wasn’t sure about coming here...so do me a favor and look out for her, will you?”

Grateful to have somebody else to focus his attention on, Gus promptly shepherded Anna into the kitchen on the pretext that he needed help with the food, and did what he could to alleviate some of the girl’s anxiety.

“This is all way too much for me,” she confessed to Gus. “I only know Tommy through his sister, and I’ve never met any of these people before. I almost chickened out about five times on the way here.”

“Join the club,” said Gus cheerfully. “I’ve had to be forcibly separated from the crab-dip more than once tonight...oh, never mind; it’s an inside joke. Grab those plates and follow me and I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version of who’s who before you have to go around and meet everybody.”

Between trips back and forth to where they were setting out the food, Gus discreetly pointed everybody out, with appropriate explanations and cross-references. By the time he turned Anna back over to Tommy, the girl was a little bit more relaxed, for which Tommy gave Gus a grateful smile.

“You did the same for me,” Gus reminded him in an undertone. “So I’m just returning the favor.”

Adam put an end to his running back and forth by insisting that everyone could help themselves to anything they wanted, and that it was time that he starting enjoying himself. “All you’re doing is giving everybody the impression that they’re going to get waited on when they come here. This has always been a self-serve household, so stop making me look bad and come outside.”

Reluctantly, Gus made up a couple of plates of food for them while Adam made drinks and then he followed Adam out to where everyone else was hanging out by the pool. Adam pulled up one of the large chaise lounges to sit on and when Gus looked like he was going to edge over out of the middle of the group, pointed sternly to the end of the lounge and told him to sit down.

Gus caught sight of Anna and Tommy as they came out from the house, and motioned them over, rolling his eyes at Anna as the girl gingerly settled herself into a chair beside Adam.

“Are you surviving?”

“I guess. What about you? Have you had to resort to the crab-dip lately?”

Gus grinned. “Now you’re getting the hang of things. You might as well joke about it. Otherwise, you’ll drive yourself nuts.”

“You helped a lot...thanks. The last thing I want is for Tommy to think that I’m a complete social incompetent, but it would have been a heck of a lot easier to have just gone to the movies or something.”

“Don’t worry about Tommy. He understands. He’s saved my life more than a few times while I’ve been here, believe me.”

“I know. He’s told me. Oh, my God...is that who I think it is?”

Gus looked over his shoulder, and it suddenly occurred to her how bizarre it was that the sight of Cam and Leisha walking into a party could have ever become such an ordinary occurrence.

“Yep. I take it you haven’t met Cam?”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Cam said, dropping a kiss on Gus’s cheek and handing him a little nosegay of flowers. “For the host.”

“You sweetheart,” Gus said, going pink, as much over being referred to as the host as over the bouquet.

“Stop sucking up,” said Adam lazily. “And I’ll tell you the same thing I told Tommy...get your own date and leave mine alone.”

Gus went even pinker at that remark. It didn’t help a few minutes later when Adam set aside their plates and moved over on the chaise lounge, making enough room so he could draw Gus up beside him with his arm around Gus’ shoulders.

“I was going to go make coffee,” Gus muttered.

“You are not,” he muttered back. “I told you...everybody here knows where everything is. Besides, it’s too hot for coffee. What’s wrong with just sitting here with me?”

Gus glanced around and Adam suddenly realized Gus was feeling self-conscious about the amount of affection Adam was showing him in front of his friends.

“Yes, you’re right,” he said meaningfully, and bent his head and kissed Gus gently to make his point. “And I don’t care if they know it. So stop worrying.”

Much later in the evening, when most of the guests had moved inside, David Ellison came out onto the deck looking for Adam and found him sitting by himself on the steps with a drink in his hand.

“So, congratulations,” David said, sinking down beside Adam and clinking one glass against the other.

“For what?”

“It looks like things are going really well with you and Gus. I’m glad for you. He’s a great guy.”

“Yeah, I think so too.”

“Having said that, I don’t suppose there’s any chance of you going back to studio this week, is there?”

“No,” Adam said, very definitely. “Not next week.”

David took a sip from his drink and waited for a minute before he pointed out, “I’m just asking you because people from RCA was asking me.”

“Don’t count on me for anything until after next week.”

“Uh huh. And if this new video of yours was supposed to be depressing, I’d say that you’ll probably be really inspired the week after next. But I think the director will be aiming for something a little more upbeat, and you are not going to be in that kind of mood.”

“David, it’s only a week. I’m not saying I’m not up for it, but you want me to pull out of here for another all-day, all-night recording session, and the answer is no.”

David took a few more sips. “I’m assuming that the reason Monte’s not here tonight is because he’s pissed at you about this afternoon?”

Adam ground his teeth. “No, he’s not here because he had other plans. He has no reason to be pissed at me. I told him I’d be there today, and I was.”

“And you spent the whole meeting looking pretty much like you’d rather be somewhere else. Adam you know what damage those songs you two recorded before Idol can cause your career. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I blame you. But it was you who insisted that we’d only take a few days off and then we settle this issue while you are also working on your next album. If you don’t get going on this album, it’s not going to get out on time.”

“All right,” Adam said under his breath. “One or two days...at the most...next week. But that’s all. Don’t even think about asking for any more than that.”

“I wouldn’t ask at all if there was any other choice,” David said soberly. “Do you think I want to cut into your time with Gus? But the fact is you’re going to have to face it sooner or later. When he goes home, you have to get on with a whole lotta work.” He smacked Adam on the shoulder, making him wince. “Come on...you can make me another drink and I’ll tell you what I found out after the meeting today.”

He stood up, and then glanced back to find Adam frowning intently into his glass.

“David? He’s really important to me.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” David said with a sigh. “I have eyes. It’s obvious to everybody...what the two of you have going is pretty true and deep stuff.  Like I said, I’m glad for you. But no matter how good things are, he’s still only here for another week and God knows, no one in their right mind will want to be anywhere near you a week from Sunday.”

* * * *

  
It was extremely late by the time everyone left, and Gus, very tired and feeling the beginning of an ache in his back, took the opportunity to soak in a long hot bath.  When he finally emerged again, in a light bathrobe and bare feet, the living room was deserted but he found Adam exactly where he expected him to be, in his studio.

Adam was concentrating intently when he came in, and as always, Gus waited until he had finished what he was doing before he spoke so as not to interrupt a creative moment.   Adam smiled briefly at Gus when he came to stand at the end of the desk, and when Adam finally sat back and gave him his full attention, Gus couldn’t help teasing him indulgently. 

“Inspiration strikes, huh?”

“Tommy gave me an idea,” he admitted.  “How was the bath?”

“Very nice. Except I kept dozing off. I think I’d better go to bed before I fall over.” He put out one hand and brushed it lightly through Adam’s hair. “I can see you want to work, so I won’t disturb you.” 

Adam stood up to hug him, but there was only a small amount of room between him and the desk, and they suddenly found themselves sharing a very confined space. After concentrating so hard on the music, Adam was completely unprepared for the reaction he had as Gus stepped close and he felt Gus slender body against him, so lightly clad and very warm and fragrant and sleepy.

All Gus meant to do was kiss Adam goodnight in the same careful and semi-formal way that had become his habit, just by brushing his mouth very softly against Adam’s cheek. But at the first touch Adam felt something else take over, and unconsciously turned Gus’ face gently towards him until his mouth was moving slowly over Gus’.  Blindsided, Gus responded without thinking, letting his body arch against Adam’s as the kiss got deeper and Adam’s hands slid from his waist down over his hips and pressed him closer, making Gus suddenly and definitely conscious of the effect he was having on Adam.

Now completely awake, his breath catching in his throat, Gus turned his head slightly to try and stop everything from spinning. Adam kissed him along the curve of his cheek to his temple, and they were both shockingly aware that they had not only crossed that boundary again, they were halfway into the next county.  

“I’m sorry,” Gus murmured, trying to draw away a bit.  “I got a little carried away there.”

“I’m not sorry,” Adam said, eyes closed, leaning his head against Gus’ and tightening his hold on Gus with a groan.  “God, you feel so good.”

There were only two responses to something like that.  It took a lot of self control for Gus not to opt for the first and most inviting choice, but he managed to gather himself enough to gently pull back, although his resolution did waver a little when he looked up into Adam’s blue eyes, so intense and full of emotion.

“I think it’s time I went to bed,” he said, but his voice shook.

Adam didn’t move at first but his eyes held Gus’ steadily without invitation or entreaty, just offering him the opportunity to take the next step if he chose.  It would have been so natural to let himself respond and open up to Adam the way he wanted to, but as if Adam sensed Gus’ indecision, he suddenly made it easy for Gus and let him go, stopping only to kiss him forehead before he moved away.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said and was halfway out the door before Gus realized Adam was leaving.

“Where are you going?”

“To take a shower.”

“Oh,” Gus murmured. “I hope I didn’t use up all the hot water.”

“That’s not going to be a problem,” Adam replied, a little grimly. “I only want cold.”  



	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the week proved progressively more difficult, as Adam came under more pressure to get back to work and they both felt more of the pressure of time passing by far too quickly.

He grudgingly kept his word to get to the studio for a recording session and found, as usual, that it ended up lasting far longer than originally planned. Fortunately, his friends took it upon themselves to take Gus out, which at least satisfied Adam that Gus wasn’t left alone with nothing to do. But by the time Adam got home that night, it was so late that Gus had already gone to bed and Adam was too tired to even think about waking him, no matter how badly he wanted to tell Gus about his day.

He did find, however, that Gus had slipped into his room and left him a note and a chocolate kiss on his pillow, which he sat and smiled over for a long time before he finally managed to get to sleep himself.

They spent one night clubbing with Danielle and her boyfriend, and another day at the Cherry’s, avoiding the public eye as usual and concentrating on finding things that they could do alone together. But by Thursday, Adam had noticed a distinct change in Gus’s mood, and as the week wore on, Gus became more distracted and subdued.

The fact that Adam understood what Gus was doing didn’t make it any easier to take. Gus was obviously trying to put some emotional distance between them before their physical separation and no matter how perfectly understandable it may have seemed, Adam was baffled and hurt by it. But the closer he tried to get, the more Gus withdrew and Adam finally gave up in frustration, afraid of upsetting Gus any more than he already was.

Gus also refused to talk about what would happen after he went home, insisting that he couldn’t make any plans about the future until he had time to think on his own. This distressed Adam more than anything else did since he was so desperate not to lose the closeness between them.

The afternoon before Gus went home, Adam was working in the studio and Gus had taken up the spot that had become his favorite, curled up on the little sofa off to one side with a book, where he could listen and watch Adam work without distracting him. Today, however, Adam was completely unable to concentrate and after several repeated attempts to work through one melody, he finally put his head down on the desk in frustration.

“Maybe you should take a break,” Gus suggested, sitting up.

“I don’t think that would help,” Adam said in a muffled voice. “It’s just one of those days where nothing will come out right.” He pointed to his head. “It’s all here, but...” He poked resentfully at the sheet in front of him. “It won’t come out _here_.”

“When my mother used to teach,” Gus said idly, wandering over and settling onto the bench beside Adam.“She never used to let students get so frustrated that they started to hate what they were doing. When they got down on themselves, she always used to take them into the kitchen and make them a snack. My father always used to say that any money she ever made teaching was completely spent on Oreos and chocolate milk.”

He paused for a moment, staring at the synthesizer in the studio. Curiously, Adam watched Gus without speaking. He knew that Gus had studied piano for years as a child (his father was a piano teacher), but in all the time Gus had stayed with him, he had never once touched any instruments and seemed to almost deliberately avoid doing so. Adam knew it had a lot to do with the weakness in Gus’ left hand that made playing a frustrating and difficult exercise, but more so to do with Gus’ determination not to let Adam see how his injury still affected him.

Almost reluctantly, Gus put his fingers on the keys and Adam felt a sudden jolt of emotion at the sight. Music. It was a connection between them that he had never expected and one that was so personal to him that he was shocked at how profoundly he was affected by it. Oblivious to his reaction, Gus cocked his head to one side, said, “How did it go?” and played the melody back by ear almost note for note until the last couple of bars.

Adam was so astonished that for a moment he couldn’t even speak.

“No,” Gus said, frowning. “That’s not it,” and played it a second time, with a slight variation at the end.

“Damn, that’s still not right, is it?”

“Wait a minute! _Wait_ a minute. Do that again.”

“Do what again?”

“What you just did. The second time.”

“What...this?” Gus said, and he played it back for him, looking up at Adam questioningly. “Why? Is that what you’re looking for?”

“Not exactly,” Adam muttered, then suddenly his expression cleared and he leaned over and kissed Gus on the cheek.“But you’ve just given me an idea. I think I know where this is going now.”

“Can we still have milk and cookies?” Gus said, taken aback at how pleased Adam was.

“Sure,” Adam said absently, then he looked up and saw Gus smiling at him and felt a rush of tenderness at this new, shared bond between them. Hard on the heels of that came the stab of realization that Gus was leaving in the morning.

Gus was puzzled by Adam’s expression but had no way of knowing how much he had shaken him. As had become his habit, he withdrew back into himself and Adam was frustrated that he slid off almost immediately as if he needed to put a roomful of space back between them.

The mood didn’t get any lighter during the rest of the afternoon, and as neither of them had much of an appetite, dinner was also a very quiet affair. Loading the dishwasher after the meal, Gus found that his hand was numb and unresponsive as it always was when his emotions were on edge, and in trying to pick up too many things at once, he wasn’t able to stop several plates from sliding off the counter and smashing on the ceramic floor.

He dropped to his knees to pick up the pieces and reacted with a sudden and irrational burst of anger when Adam knelt down to help him, pushing Adam away so hard that he stumbled and had to catch the edge of the counter to stop himself from falling.

“Will you _stop_?” Adam shouted at him. “You’re making me crazy. They’re just dishes for God’s sake. What does it matter?”

Blindly Gus stood up, twisting his left hand with his right, hard enough to make it hurt. “I’m sorry,” he said in a flat, wooden voice. “I’m really, really tired. I have an early flight. I think I’ll just go to bed.”

He had to brush past Adam and flinched hard when Adam put out his hands to stop him. Thinking better of it, he let them drop away without touching Gus and let him go by, feeling more wretched than ever and completely unsure of how to comfort him.

Gus knew that there was no possibility of sleep, but he still crawled into bed and curled up in a ball, trying to blank his mind and find some kind of relief from his misery. When he finally fell into a troubled sleep, it was punctuated by brief, fretful dreams that were even more distressing than the feelings that plagued him when he was awake, and it was during one of these half-wakeful moments that he sat bolt upright and found that Adam had come to stand and stare at him in the doorway of his room.

“What’s the matter?” he said without thinking. He couldn’t see Adam’s face, but the outline of the shadow moved as he shook his head and then turned and went back out into the living room.

Unable to stop himself, Gus threw back the covers and went after him. Adam had returned to one corner of the sofa, where he sat in the half-darkness with his knees drawn up and circled tightly with his arms, looking both defensive and apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve just spent the last couple of hours trying to talk myself out of doing that.”

Gus folded one leg underneath him and curled up in a similar position at the opposite end of the couch. “Doing what?”

“Coming into your room and waking you up,” Adam said steadily, staring at the floor.

Gus had no doubt what Adam meant by that and his throat tightened involuntarily at the thought.

“That probably would not have been a good idea,” he said finally, and Adam’s gaze flickered over to him.

“It seemed like a _very_ good idea at the time.”

Gus dropped his. “Are you trying to make things even more difficult for me?”

“Would it be that bad?”

“That’s not what I mean,” Gus said desperately. “We don’t want to start doing something for the wrong reason.”

“What’s wrong about it? Because I want to be close to you and you keep pushing me away? Because I thought that maybe if I could just catch you when you weren’t trying so damn hard to avoid me...that maybe you’d show me what you’re really feeling?”

“Well, everything I feel right now just hurts,” Gus said in a wretched voice. “And I don’t dare let you anywhere near me...I’m too out of control.”

Adam put his head back and clenched his eyes shut. “And remind me again...the downside to that is...?”

“Because we agreed,” Gus said softly and squeezed his own eyes closed. “Because it’s already far too complicated.”

He ran restless hands through his hair and looked up to find Adam watching him as if he wanted to do the same thing. It was too tantalizing and disturbing a thought and Gus dropped his hands into his lap and looked away.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t ask...” Adam began unexpectedly.

“Then _don’t_.” Gus wasn’t entirely sure of the question, but he was absolutely certain what the answer needed to be.

“Why don’t you just stay for a few more days?”

Gus clutched his head impatiently. “Because I can’t. You know I can’t. People are counting on me. I have commitments and responsibilities just like you do. Besides, I know that you’ve let some projects sit while I’ve been here...if you don’t start getting back into them, you’re not going to be very popular with your manager or recording company.”

“I could work around it,” Adam said stubbornly.

“That’s not possible and you know it.”

“All right then. Let’s talk about when you can come back.”

“No!” Gus said, and his temper flared. “Don’t ask me those questions...I don’t have any answers. If you think it’s so damn easy, then why the hell don’t _you_ just drop everything and get on a plane and put _your_ entire life on hold for awhile?”

“I didn’t think so,” Gus added bitterly, when Adam wouldn’t look at him. “It doesn’t seem quite so simple when it’s _your_ schedule we’re talking about, does it?  Well, just because I don’t have a million girls drooling over my every move doesn’t mean that my life’s not important.”

“I never said that,” Adam snapped, and his own temper got the better of him. “But since you’re making pronouncements, maybe you won’t mind me pointing out that at least I’ve got a _job_ to go back to.”

He saw the way Gus’ face changed and mentally kicked himself for his heartlessness.

“Thank you,” Gus said flatly. “You’re making this much easier. If we keep on saying hurtful things to each other, I’m going to end up being glad to get on that plane in the morning.

“And by the way, I _do_ have a job to go back to. I happen to have a bloody great fundraiser to organize, which means I’m in charge of everything from the venue to the guest list to the food to all the promotion and the entertainment, and you have no clue what’s it’s like trying to co-ordinate all those raving egos into one place for one night when half the musicians are giving me hard time about who performs first for God’s sake...like it matters...this is _supposed_ to be for charity...” Suddenly incensed, Gus shot to his feet and snatched a pillow off the sofa, hitting Adam with it as hard as he could. “Stop _laughing_ at me!”

Adam had his forehead down on his knees, and his shoulders were shaking so hard that for a minute he couldn’t speak. When he lifted his head again, he threw both hands up to protect himself, since the look on Gus’s face strongly implied he was thinking about hitting him a second time.

“No, you’re absolutely right,” he said in a strangled voice. “I wouldn’t have any idea what’s that’s like.”

Miffed, Gus lowered the pillow, but it still took a minute for the absurdity to sink in, and another before a reluctant smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

“All right, I get your point. So maybe it’s not the Glam Nation tour. It’s still a big deal to me, you weasel.”

“I know that,” Adam said, immediately sober again. “Gus, I don’t think either of us is saying what we really mean. Can we start this over...please?”

“What on earth is left to talk about?” Gus asked wearily, sinking back down on the other end of the sofa. “Everything is just so jumbled up inside. I can’t think straight, and I don’t know what to say.”

Adam half turned to face him and Gus didn’t have time to brace himself before Adam reached across and took his hand.  He pulled very gently, and helplessly Gus slid towards him until they were close enough that he could put his hands up to touch Gus’ face. “Then don’t say anything,” he said, so low and gentle that Gus hardly heard him. He had one brief glimpse of Adam’s eyes, very emotional and intense before Adam closed them and he kissed Gus, making him shake uncontrollably.

They didn’t move apart but sat with their heads together and mouths lingering against one another. “I’m not going to ask,” Adam breathed carefully, trying not to startle Gus. “But I need to you to know what I’m feeling.” He unfolded one of Gus’ clenched hands and laid the palm against his chest so Gus could feel how fast his heart was pounding and then caught his breath when he felt Gus’ fingers moving slowly against him as if Gus wanted very badly to keep touching him.

“You’re breaking my heart,” Gus whispered in agony. “Why are you doing this to me now?”

He no longer had any strength left to resist Adam. They both knew perfectly well that he would have gone to Adam willingly with one more whispered word but he suddenly seemed so completely fragile and tormented that it drove all other thoughts out of Adam’s mind. Somehow he managed to slide his hands to Gus’ shoulders and very gently moved him back despite the powerful rush he got from Gus’ low, involuntary groan of protest.

“You’re right...I’m so sorry...this isn’t the time for this.” Adam saw the way Gus’ mouth was trembling and kissed him very softly, stroking his hands down Gus’ arms to try and comfort him. “God, I wish I wasn’t hurting you this way. But do you understand how hard it’s going to be to watch you leave tomorrow? Do you understand why I want so badly to be close to you right now?”

Gus nodded his head tiredly and Adam tried to set aside his frustration.

“All right, look,” he said trying to brighten Gus’ mood. “I’ll make you a deal. I promise not to talk about it anymore, if you’ll promise me not to hide out in your room.”

“You’ve got to promise to do more than that,” Gus said with weak laugh. “How about promising me that you’ll stick to the rules?”

“Which rules are those?” Adam said innocently, and when Gus sighed and choked on a half-sob, couldn’t help teasing him by grumbling, “Well, in my own defense, it would be a lot easier to stick by the rules if you would stop coming on to me.”

It had the desired effect. Gus’ jaw dropped and he sat bolt upright. “Me? _Me_?”

Anticipating another pillow attack, Adam tried to dodge out of the way, but Gus was too fast for him. Planting one hand on either side of him, Gus effectively trapped him in the corner, then leaned over him until they were nose to nose and said very deliberately, “I think we need to get something straight here, buddy. First of all, aside from one very minor incident when you accused me of being rusty, I have never, ever, _ever_ , come on to you. And secondly, _if_ and _when_ you ever get lucky enough that I _do_ come on to you, I can absolutely, positively, categorically guarantee that _you will know it_ , mostly because it’s going to take you about three days to get your breath back. Comprende?”

Adam nodded, then said, “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re absolutely gorgeous when you get all riled up?”

“Oh, my God,” Gus said in exasperation and put his hands over his face. It was impossible not to laugh, although the humor slowly evaporated as they sat and looked regretfully at each other.

“I’m not going to sleep tonight,” Adam e said finally. “Will you stay up with me?”

“You promised,” Gus said in a strained voice.

“I just want to hold you. Come here.”

Reluctantly, Gus edged over. Adam slid both arms around him and drew him closer until Gus was lying half-facing Adam across his lap with his knees drawn up against the back of the sofa and his head tucked in against Adam’s shoulder. Lowering his head, Adam kissed him only once, very softly and then closed his eyes and rested his chin on the top of Gus’ head.

In the morning, Gus flatly refused to let Adam go with him to the airport. Aside from the obvious difficulties if Adam was recognized, Gus wanted to put as much distance as possible between them before he had to actually get on the plane. It was unbearably quiet while they waited for his taxi, and when Adam finally walked him out to the car and hugged him goodbye, they were both on the verge of tears.

 

* * * *

It was cold, wet and overcast in Toronto when he landed, which he thought was pretty appropriate under the circumstances.

On his way out to the taxi stand, he stopped to buy a bottle of water and was nearly had a fit when he was grabbed around the knees by a pair of small, grubby arms.

“Go easy, Brian. He hasn’t been gone _that_ long.”

Gus dropped his backpack beside his suitcase and knelt down, scooping the little boy into his arms and grinning up at Michelle who was caught completely flatfooted at the first good look she got at her friend.

"My God," she said, gaping. "I don’t believe it’s you."

“You were expecting David Cook?”

Michelle blinked, unaccustomed to speechlessness. “I’m not sure what I was expecting, but... Jeez boy, you look great.”

Wearily, Gus stood up, although Brian retained a death-grip on both his hands. "I can't possibly look great," he said morosely. "Because I feel absolutely lousy. But I'm glad to see you. You didn't have to meet me. I could have taken a cab."

“I'm serious,” Michelle said, taking the backpack and swinging it over her own shoulder. “I can't believe how good you look. You've got a tan, you've finally put on some weight...I really wasn’t sure it was you there for a second."

"You're not going to tell me I glow, are you?" Gus said warningly. "Because I think I'd probably push you out into the traffic. I'm not in the mood, Michelle...believe me."

Michelle looked at him sideways as they walked. "It was tough leaving, huh?"

"Yeah." It was all Gus would say, and even that only came out with great difficulty.

He was pretty much silent on the drive to his apartment, occupying himself with Brian and trying to keep his emotions under control. Michelle had a thousand questions but noting her friend's agitation, decided to postpone asking until Gus had a chance to compose himself.

When they pulled up in front of Gus's building, Michelle threw the car into park and turned to face him.

"So...what time do you want to eat?"

"Eat?"

"Look, you need to talk. I can tell. Take a few hours and get your head together. The curiosity might kill me in the meantime, but I’ll have to suffer. I'm taking Brian up to stay with my parents for the night, but I'll be back by dinnertime, so we’ll order in, and you can tell me everything that happened. Okay?"

"I'm not going to be very good company."

"Fine," Michelle said stubbornly. "Then we'll just hang out. I'll be back by six."

After a moment, Gus nodded. "I’d like that. Thanks for the ride."

He ruffled Brian’s hair and got out.

 

* * * *

Having opened all his mail, listened to his answering machine and tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate the half dozen houseplants that had withered in his absence, Gus finally went down the hallway and knocked on Alex’s door.

He was at work, but Celine let Gus in and pointed ruefully at the bay window, where Lucien was curled up with Alex’s cat Bailey and showed no signs of having missed Gus in the least.

“He’s always been independent,” Gus said with a smile. “Actually, he just likes it here. I think you must feed him a more gourmet brand of cat food than he gets at home. But I appreciate your hospitality, even if he doesn’t.”

“How was your trip?”

Gus raised his eyebrows. Celine was remarkably self-possessed for a teenager, but today she had seemed positively beside herself from the moment she’d answered the door.

“Let me guess...your Dad told you where I was going, right?”

“No,” Celine said and turned crimson. “Actually, I saw it on TV.”

Gus had been dumping Lucien’s dish and assorted toys into a bag, which he promptly dropped in dismay.

“You saw _what_ on TV?” he croaked.

“I’m sorry,” Celine said, mortified. “I shouldn’t be asking. I don’t mean to sound nosy.”

“You don’t.” Distractedly, Gus tried to gather up everything that had fallen. “But you’d better tell me what you saw. I had no idea.”

It all sounded innocuous enough...just a few short features on the national music channel and a couple of local news stories that had probably made their way back from the media in LA. But more distressing was Celine’s confession that all the talk among her friends was about Gus and his relationship with Adam, egged on by the fact that many of them knew Celine lived in the same building.

“I haven’t said much, really I haven’t. Not that there’s a lot to say. But everyone knows that I know you.” Curiosity was beginning to override Celine’s embarrassment. “Are you two really, like...dating?”

Gus sighed. “We’re just really good friends.” Then he clapped his hand over his mouth. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe I just said that.”

“No offence,” said Celine with all the cynicism only a teen could possess. “But that sounds really fake.”

“No kidding! I’m starting to sound like Tim Robbins at the end of Bull Durham.” Helplessly, Gus sank down on one of the living room chairs. “I guess I’d better go back to saying ‘no comment’. I’m sorry, Celine...I don’t mean to be such a pain. But it’s complicated. And yeah, it is private. I’m real nervous about saying anything to anybody in case it gets taken the wrong way.”

“That’s okay. I guess it must be pretty freaky, huh?”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Gus muttered. Then, aware that the girl was disappointed, he added, “All right...I know you need to tell your friends something, so you can tell them that I said he’s very nice and I had a great time. There. That sounds safe enough, doesn’t it?”

“Pretty boring, though,” said Celine, rolling her eyes.

Despite himself, Gus grinned. “That’s the whole idea. And if you’re good, maybe I’ll let you see my pictures.”

Celine grinned back, then suddenly she sobered. “Um, you do know that there’s a lot more talk going on than just what’s been on TV here, don’t you? I mean, the Internet and stuff...”

“I don’t want to know,” said Gus, but his heart sank. “And you should stay away from Twitter. Your father would have a fit.”

“It’s OK...my friends get talking, and they end up saying some pretty wild stuff. I just figured I should mention it.” Looking distinctly uncomfortable, Celine added, “I’d be pretty pissed if they were saying things like that about me...you know, just because I was going out with somebody they liked. I mean, it’s not like they ever have a chance of meeting him or anything.”

“That doesn’t seem to matter,” Gus said with a weak smile. “Ask me how I know. On second thought, don’t bother.” He stood up restlessly and retrieved a protesting Lucien from his warm perch in the window. “I have a ton of stuff to do, so I need to get going. My cat thanks you, and I thank you. Tell your Dad I owe him one.”

 

* * * *

Gus went through the rest of the day methodically, doing laundry, sorting through his mail, replying to the most important messages and generally filling the time with anything that required little effort and even less thought.

He made one reluctant foray out to get groceries, and was relieved that he didn’t run into anyone he knew, or anyone who appeared to know him. He took advantage of the one-hour photo lab to get his pictures printed, and if the teenage clerk recognized anybody in any of the pictures, he didn’t bother to comment when he handed Gus back the envelopes.

Looking at the photos did nothing for his mood, so he set them aside to show to Michelle and spent the rest of the afternoon mindlessly watching television.

Michelle arrived shortly before six, armed with wine and Chinese food. She took one look at Gus’s face, uncorked the bottle and poured two glasses.

“You can tell me I sound like a broken record,” she remarked. “But you really do look great, you know. You almost look like yourself again.”

“You _are_ starting to get repetitious,” Gus muttered.

Michelle took a sip of wine and peered at Gus over the rim of the glass. “It’s just that it’s good to see. It’s been a long time.”

“I get your point. Thanks. But can you drop it please?”

“Fine, I’ll shut up,” Michelle said amiably. “I expect you to do most of the talking, anyway.”

They spread the food out on the coffee table and sat on the sofa, and Gus let Michelle look through the photos, explaining each one and gradually warming to the subject as time went by.

“That’s a good one,” Michelle remarked, holding up one of the pictures that Isaac had taken of Adam and Gus on the night they had all gone clubbing.

“Yeah, I like that one too.” Gus took the photo from her and frowned over it for a moment before setting it aside and reaching for his chopsticks. “I’d like looking at it a lot more if it didn’t depress the hell out of me.”

Michelle sighed. “So...are you going to tell me more about this, or what? Aside from just telling me that you had a good time?”

“I had an _amazing_ time,” Gus said softly after a moment.

Michelle raised her glass in a silent toast. “Which would account for you looking so good. Sorry... I couldn’t resist. I’m hoping that I’ll get you pissed off enough that you’ll start telling me what really happened.”

Gus scowled and stabbed his chopsticks into his chow mein.

“I take that to mean that things got pretty serious?”

“It means,” said Gus carefully. “That it was really hard to come home.”

“I pretty much got that from the expression on your face when you were looking at those pictures. And Adam?”

“He tried to convince me to stay awhile longer. Oh, come on, Michelle...don’t look at me like that. Do you have any idea what I’ve got on my plate over the next few weeks?”

“Then I’ll go back to my original question. Did things get serious between the two of you?”

Gus leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.”

“How serious?”

“Give me a break...I stopped describing my relationships in baseball terms when I was about fifteen. But I know what you’re asking...and the answer is no.”

“Oh. Was that your idea or his?”

“We agreed. It was mutual.”

“You don’t feel that way about him?”

Gus choked on his wine. “My God, Michelle...have you _seen_ the man?”

“I’ve seen pictures. So you’re just taking things slow, is that it?”

“I guess so. At least, we’ve tried to take it slow. It hasn’t always worked out that way.”

“Then maybe the two of you should have renegotiated your agreement.”

“We renegotiated a few times,” Gus admitted with a rueful smile. “But I always backed off.”

“Why, for heaven’s sake? Are you afraid you’ve forgotten how?”

“Maybe I have. I haven’t thought about myself in those terms for so long. For Pete’s sake, Michelle...I haven’t exactly had the easiest time physically. When everything is either completely numb or hurts like hell you get paranoid about what feeling is going to hit you next. The only people who’ve laid hands on me since the accident have been doctors or nurses or physiotherapists, and no matter what good they did for me, everything they did to me just meant more pain. And when you start to associate touch with pain, you learn how to shut it all off...that’s the only way you make it through. I had to teach myself not to feel anything. And now I don’t know how to switch everything back on. It’s like there’s no volume control. I can’t feel things slowly. When he touches me it hits me so hard that I can’t think. I’m not afraid of him hurting me; that’s not what I mean. Things just get out of control so fast.”

“I may be wrong,” Michelle observed mildly. “But maybe the idea of you being out of control is something that appeals to him.”

Gus went bright red.

“I can’t help it if I feel self-conscious about myself. Wouldn’t you, in my place?”

Michelle raised her eyebrows and then they dropped into a fierce scowl. “Maybe you should admit that this isn’t just about you letting him touch you. You’re still worried about that whole body-image thing, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t had to deal with it until now.”

“And why the hell can’t you talk to him about it? Don’t you think he’ll understand? Don’t you think he cares more about who you are than about the way you look? For God’s sake Gus, you have _got_ to start being honest with him about some of these things.”

“I’ve tried. But I hate the way it seems like I’m always posting a disclaimer whenever we get in a new situation. You were the one who joked that I should come with a warning label. Maybe you were right.”

“Crap,” said Michelle rudely. “You make me so mad when you start talking about yourself like that. Stop beating around the bush. How were things left between the two of you?”

“We didn’t make any plans.”

“Why not?”

“ _Why not_? Are you kidding me? What exactly were we supposed to plan? I live here. He lives there. Except he’s not even _there_ most of the time. You still don’t get that, do you? And besides, we didn’t even venture out in public while I was there. Do you have any idea what kind of a zoo that would be? I was nearly strangled in the hotel lobby, for God’s sake, and now my neighbor tells me that the latest thing on in the Internet is posting poison pen letters to www.getAdamsboyfriend.com.”

“You’re going to make a mess,” Michelle said, snatching the chow mein container from Gus, who had been stirring it so savagely that noodles were flying.

Gus shot her an ugly look. “And by the way, since if it’s not on A&E or PBS you don’t see it, I’m assuming you didn’t know about any of the news stories that ran here about us?”

“A couple of people mentioned things to me. I didn’t pay much attention. And neither should you. What the hell does it matter, Gus?”

“It’s my _life_. I don’t want to be newsworthy again. The last time was bad enough.”

“Well, here’s a shocker for you, bro,” Michelle said acerbically. “You’re just going to have to deal with it. It’s not like you don’t know how.”

Gus stood up in frustration.

“ _Sit_ , damn you.” More than angry, Michelle bounced to her feet, grabbed her friend by both arms and shoved him back down onto the sofa. “All right, now you’re going to shut up and listen to me. I’ve had enough of your goddamn whining about all this being too tough for you. You’re being so fucking blind and stupid about what’s going on that you don’t even stop to consider what you might be throwing away. Do you need to be told what it’s like to have something like that in your life and then lose it? _Do you_?”

Shocked, Gus could only stare.

Michelle rubbed her forehead, looked suddenly and uncharacteristically shaken. "Look, I'm not one of those people who believes that I'm going to be a lonely widow for the rest of my life. I might never get lucky enough to meet somebody like Nick again, but believe me if ever do get the chance, I'm going to grab it with both hands. So you can’t _not_ do this because of any of those reasons you keep throwing at me. I don’t even think that I’m the one you’re trying to convince. If you ever, _ever_ take a piece of advice from me...please take this one. I don't want to see you playing it safe and walking away from this.”

She dropped back into her seat, turned to face Gus and went on more gently. "If you're not sure about him, then you need to go back and find out. And if you _are_ sure, you need to go back and tell him." She paused and watched the color rise in Gus's face and already knew the answer to her next question. "So...which is it?"

Gus looked at the hands he was gripping together in his lap and the words tumbled out in a half-bewildered rush.

"I _am_ sure."

Then inexplicably, he began to cry. Michelle hung one arm around his shoulders and rubbed them gruffly, trying to steady Gus own voice.

"You poor old thing...I know it's hard. But you have got to start trusting yourself again. I don't know why you ever stopped. You’re my best friend and I’ve already watched you nearly die on me once. Please, please, Gus...don’t let this go.”


	16. Chapter 16

Gus was a bit uneasy walking into the office the next morning, but any reservations he might have had were quickly dispelled by the enthusiastic greeting he got from the Task Force Staff.

Frankie nearly squeezed the life out of him and then made a point of taking him past his old office with its obviously empty desk.

“ _Still_?” he said in disbelief. “What the heck are they waiting for?”

“For you to come to your senses and decide to come back, I suppose,” she sighed. “I have tried to convince them that you’re not liable to change your mind.”

“Well, thanks...but I plan on setting a few things straight today, so don’t worry. By the way, I want you to know that I did recommend you for the job.”

Frankie went an attractive shade of red. “Wow, did you really? The Board would never go for that. I’m way too young, and they want somebody high profile, like you.”

“And as I tried to explain to them, I’d trade five high profile people for one of you any day. You understand the system, you’re a hard worker and you get things done. You’re right...nobody paid any attention to me, but I just wanted you to know that you had my recommendation. And hey, I saw the lists you pulled together for volunteers...it’s amazing.”

She shrugged. “Corporate sponsorships next on my list. I plan on hitting the local media up to buy up some tables for the gala dinner and then auction them off.”

“Would it help if I called a few of them?”

Frankie blinked. “Are you serious?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You hate that stuff. Even when it was your job, you hated it. That’s why you had me.”

“Yeah. Well. If me throwing my weight around a little will help you out, I’ll do it. Just tell me who you want me to call.”

She hesitated. “Are you sure? You do realize that you might get some personal questions about...well, you know. By the way, that’s a _very_ nice tan.”

“Thank you,” he replied amused. “And yes, I know. It’s okay; I’ve been practicing my lines. I guess you’ve seen me on TV too, huh?”

“Just the once,” she said uncomfortably. “We actually had reporters in here a few times, but I’m pretty sure that nobody said much too them. Nobody else knew anything anyway, and I’ _m_ used to playing dumb. Much was the worst. It took me days to get them off my back about you.”

Gus took her clipboard from her and flipped up some of the pages. “Are they on your list?”

“Much Music? Sure...why?”

He found what he was looking for and pulled it out. “I’ll make _that_ call. I have a few specific things I’d like to say to them.” Handing her back the clipboard, he grinned at her dubious expression. “Relax. We want publicity from them and they want something from me. If nothing else, it will give me great satisfaction just to have a little fun with them.”

When Gus put his mind to something, it took a great deal of effort to steer him off course. He walked into the planning meeting for the gala and bluntly replied his way through a number of courtesies before he started firing directions at the attendees. The Task Force staff, relieved that someone with some authority was finally taking charge again (albeit on a temporary basis), gleefully took their instructions without protest, while the members of the Board of Directors sat with their mouths open and looked dumbfounded. But by the time it was over, he had beaten both a schedule and a revised budget out of them and badgered them into making Frankie the official Task Force representative for the fundraiser.

Politely declining offers for lunch, he bolted out of the conference room as soon as the meeting concluded and left the building by one of the side doors. He felt strangely giddy, as if he’d just leapt out of a plane without a parachute and wasn’t the least bit worried about it.

He made his way across the street into the park, he found a bench when he could sit alone and fished his cell phone out of his briefcase.

He wasn’t really surprised that the answering machine picked up at the house. There had been no answer the afternoon before when he’d called either, although he’d been secretly relieved that he was able to just leave Adam a brief message to let him know that he’d arrived okay and didn’t have to face the heartache of actually talking to Adam.

He redialed Adam’s cell phone number and nearly gave up again when it rang almost a dozen times before he finally answered it.

“You’re not _still_ sleeping, are you?” Gus said in astonishment, looking at his watch.

“No,” Adam said, but he sounded very peculiar. “It’s good to hear your voice. Was your trip okay? How are you?”

Gus frowned. “I’m fine...but you don’t sound good. Are you all right? Where are you?”

“I’m at Isaac’s. We’re working this afternoon. We’re just trying to get our heads together.”

“Adam...are you sure that you’re okay? You sound really weird.”

“I’m fine.”

“I can hardly hear you.”

“Well, I can hear you perfectly. There’s no need to shout.”

“I’m not shouting,” Gus said, now more perplexed than worried, and suddenly he realized what was wrong with Adam. “Oh, my God, you’ve got a hangover!”

“Okay, now you’re definitely shouting.”

“What on earth happened?”

“Nothing. I just came over the Isaac’s last night and we got talking. I was feeling a little down. Do you blame me?”

Gus smacked himself on the forehead.“So you stayed up all night drinking and feeling sorry for yourself, is this what you’re trying to tell me?”

“I don’t think it was all night,” Adam said defensively. “Although some parts are a little fuzzier than others.”

“You idiot,” Gus said and then he started to laugh, unable to help himself “And is Isaac in the same shape as you?”

“No, and he’s being very self righteous about it. He’s also driving me crazy. If he doesn’t stop playing that damn drums soon, I’m going to hit him with those sticks.”

“Well, I don’t have any sympathy for you,” Gus said, wiping his eyes. “And you have to work in that condition? I sure hope it’s not for anything important.”

“Just brainstorming,” Adam mumbled. “I have a meeting tomorrow with management people about scheduling. Then next week, I have a video shoot. I mean, this week. Oh, never mind...I don’t know what I mean.”

Gus leaned back on the bench and couldn’t help the shyness that crept into his voice. “Well...if you’re going to be working on your schedule tomorrow, how’d you like to check and see if you’ve going to have any free time...say maybe a week from this Friday?”

There was a momentary silence. “For what?”

“Well...I’ve just come out of my scheduling meeting, and after twisting a few arms and breaking a few fingers, I’ve managed to get a lot more arranged than I thought I would. So, it just so happens that I’ve got some spare time coming up, and we’re having another one of those really cold, wet, dreary spells here and I’m...well, I’m sure the weather must be much better where you are.”

There was another blank pause. Information was clearly not being processed at its usual speed. “Gus, if you’re teasing me, I’ll kill you.”

“I’m not teasing you,” Gus said gently. “I’d rather keep my teasing to do in person. Can I come down and see you, or not?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions. When? And for how long?”

“A week from this Friday. I can definitely stay for the weekend, and I think I can probably manage to be away until Wednesday without any problem. If I can get enough accomplished before I leave, I may even be able to stretch it out for a week.” He hesitated for a moment, then said very seriously, “But you have _got_ to promise me that you aren’t going to go trying to rearrange things that you shouldn’t be rearranging. I don’t care if you’re working while I’m there. I’ll take whatever time I can get in between whatever you have to do. Are you listening?”

Adam obviously wasn’t. “Are you sure about this, Gus? Is this really what you want?”

Gus sighed. “Now who’s asking the stupid questions? Yes, this is what I want. I want to see you. Should I say it louder?”

“Please don’t,” Adam winced, but Gus could tell that he was smiling. “But I sure feel a hell of a lot better now.”

Gus laughed out loud, drawing some curious glances from people passing by. “Well, I’m glad I made your day. Now you need to go and drink about ten glasses of water and take a shower. That’ll do a lot more for you I can from this far away.”

“I still want to talk to you later.”

“So call me,” Gus said softly. “I think you have my number.”

His afternoon was spent running madly around town, meeting with City Hall officials about the permit for the gala, looking at the venue, arguing with the caterer and finally, checking in with the agents of the those performers who had already agreed to appear. It amused him that a couple of them made veiled references to his relationship with Adam and then quickly dropped it when they met a stony wall of silence.

On a roll, he made one mid-afternoon phone call and managed to arrange a dinner meeting with one of the trickier contacts on his list. He had barely made in through his front door hours later when the phone rang, and he went straight into his room and picked up the bedside receiver while sinking wearily down on the bed.

“You’re working late again,” Adam chided.

“Yes, I am,” he replied, stretching sore back muscles with a groan. “Since I have an awful lot to get done so that I can sneak back down to LA. How’s your head?”

“Well, I won’t be doing _that_ again in a hurry, let me tell you. Anyway, it was your fault for leaving me.”

Gus snorted. “Sorry, I’m not letting you pin that on me. I’m not responsible for your stupid decisions.”

“I know. It was stupid. I was just...feeling really down without you. But forget that; tell me about your day. Have you been at the office until now?”

Gus propped two pillows behind him and lay back. “No, I was at a dinner meeting. And I’ll give you three guesses who it was with.”

“I hope you’re not picking up men on the subway again.”

“No,” Gus smiled. “As a matter of fact, I had dinner with the Director of Music Operations at Much Music.”

After a moment, Adam said dumbly, “What on earth for?”

“Two reasons. First of all, I want to borrow some of their staff for the fundraiser and I want some of their airtime to promote it. And secondly, I wanted to sit across the table from him for an entire meal and see if he had the guts to come out and ask me any questions.”

“And did he?”

“Eventually,” Gus grinned. “But I’ll give him this much; he didn’t bargain with me. He didn’t even mention your name until we had all the other stuff sorted out.”

“So...what was he asking?”

“Oh, just if I wanted to make any comment. I told him I most definitely did, but that it wasn’t suitable for a public network. And actually, he was really good about it. All he did was ask me to consider them first if I even decided to make any public statement about you. And you can relax,” he added as an afterthought. “I don’t have any plans to start talking to the press.”

“I didn’t figure you did.” Adam could hear an unmistakable rustling in the background, and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Taking my shirt off. I’m tired; I want to go to bed.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that to me,” Adam said weakly. “I don’t care how many miles away you are.” After more rustling, he added. “ _Now_ what are you doing?”

“Do you want a running commentary? All right, I’m putting on my pajamas. They’re flannel and they have blue stripes. Sorry, it doesn’t get any sexier than that. This _is_ Canada, you know.”

Adam’s voice went unexpectedly quiet. “Yeah, but...I bet they’re nice and soft.”

Gus heard the change in Adam’s tone and felt a sudden longing to give him a chance to find out. As if Adam read his mind, he said, “So...are they?”

Pulling back the comforter on the bed, Gus slid in and switched off the light. Even though he knew where this was going, it was hypnotic to listen to Adam’s deep, smooth voice while Gus lay in the shadowy darkness.

“Yes, they’re very soft.” Stretching out against the sheets, he shivered. “Bed’s cold though.”

“I wish I was there...I could fix that.”

“I wish you were here too,” he said, huskily. “But keep talking...you’re doing a pretty good job of warming me up right now."

“Am I?”

“Mmm. You know, if you ever decide to get out of the music business, you could start up a 1-900 number. You’d still make a fortune with that voice.”

“Only when I’m interested in the person on the other end. But I’m glad if it makes you feel good. But anyway...those pajamas....”

Gus smiled. “What about them?”

“Buttons?”

“Uh huh.”

“How many?”

“Well, how the heck do I know?” Gus said and started to giggle. “I’ve never counted. All right, give me a second.  Six.  No, seven.  No, that’s a spare. I was right the first time.”

“Six?  And how many are buttoned?”

Adam’s voice had become far too languid and soothing. Shivering now for a completely different reason, Gus snuggled down hard into the blankets and listened to his heart pounding.

“Four.”

“Good. That’s not going to take very long then.”

“Why?” Gus murmured. “Are you in a hurry?”

“No. I don’t hurry these kinds of things. It’s much better when you go slow. So you’re just going to have to learn to be patient.”

“I can be very patient...when something is worth waiting for.”

Adam’s voice caught in his throat briefly. “And...does this sound like it’s worth waiting for?”

Gus swallowed hard. “I’m still trying to decide. Keep talking.”

Deliberately, Adam paused and Gus found himself holding his breath in anticipation of what Adam would say next. “So what do I have to do to make up your mind?”

“I told you. Just keep talking.”

“Oh. You need more? You’re not warm enough yet...is this what you’re saying?”

Gus moved his head restlessly on the pillow. “Depends on how warm you’d like me to be, I guess.”

“Not too warm. Not yet. Just warm enough that that there’s that tiny little bit of perspiration on your skin.”

Rather weakly, Gus put one hand on his forehead. Damn, he was starting to sweat.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Oh, I think you do. And I think you’re getting there, but it’s a bit hard to tell. I usually judge these things by touch.”

There was so much suggestion there that Gus couldn’t suppress a soft gasp. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would...but I’m not thinking about me. I’m more interested in what you’d like.”

“What I’d like?”

“Uh huh. I want to know what _you’d_ like.”

“I’d like...I’d like...” More of Gus’ frustration was starting to show. “I’d like not to be having to do this over the phone; that’s what I’d like.”

There was a deep sigh on the other end, and Adam’s voice softened even more. “I was just thinking the same thing. I’m much better at doing this in person.”

Gus closed his eyes, trying to organize thoughts that were wandering in all kinds of tantalizing directions. “And if you were...?”

“Well, the first thing I’d have to deal with would be the nice, soft, flannel stripes,” he said slowly, and heard the noise Gus made very low in his throat. “Does that sound good?”

“Very good,” Gus whispered and then there was a sharply indrawn breath as if he’d suddenly sat up.

“Hey!  What do you think you’re doing? I don’t care how long I was away; that’s no excuse for you to jump on me and try to cuddle up after giving me the cold shoulder ever since I got back. You can find someone else to sleep with. Now get out of my bed.”

There was a long moment of dead air, then Adam said faintly, “Please, God...tell me you’re talking to the cat.”

Helplessly, they both began to laugh.

 

* * * *    

                                                    

Despite being overwhelmed with work, the next two weeks felt like the longest of Gus’s life.  Having come to a decision in both his head and his heart, he found it difficult to think about anything but going back to LA, and even though he threw all his energy into the preparations for the fundraiser, his spare time dragged endlessly and the late night phone calls only added to the frustration.  
Although they didn’t talk about it specifically, both he and Adam knew that their relationship was changing. Neither of them wanted to broach the subject until they could speak face to face so as a result, they just danced around it on the phone, getting more and more caught up in suggestion and innuendo. Adam accused Gus of being a tease; Gus accused Adam of leading him on, but neither of them backed off.

During the last week, Gus had to face two difficult especially moments in the middle of the pressures at work. The first was his regularly scheduled MRI, which his doctors insisted he have every three months to monitor the position of the metal fragments in his back. But since it took a week for the specialists to evaluate the scans and give him the results, he was able to at least put aside thoughts of dealing with it before he went away.

But he wasn’t able to avoid the package that arrived by special messenger before he left for work one morning.

He sat and stared at the envelope for a long time before he opened it. The words “Office of the Attorney General” made his insides go cold.

When he had digested the contents, he picked up the phone and called Michelle.

“I know,” Michelle said. “Jake called to warn me last week. I’m sorry, baby. I should have told you it was coming, but you’ve got so much to deal with right now...I didn’t want to add this to the pile.”

Gus sat flipping through the documents, biting his lip. “Well, I knew it had to be sometime soon. It’s already been about six months late in coming.”

“Jake says the court’s still really backed up. At least it doesn’t start for another month and a half. You can at least get through the fundraiser and get to spend some time with Adam before you have to go through this.”

“What about you? Are _you_ all right with it?”

“Gus, what happens at the trial isn’t going to change anything for me, is it? It’s not going to bring Nick back and it’s only going to put you through hell. I’m more worried about how _you_ ’re going to face up to it. They’re not going to put _me_ on the stand.”

“I trust Jake.”

“So do I. But that isn’t going to make the trial any easier.” Michelle drew a deep breath, then she said pointedly, “And for God’s sake, please tell Adam what’s going on, will you? You’re going to need his support.”

“I’ll think about it,” was all Gus would say.

The Tuesday before Gus was due to arrive, Adam flew to New York to spend a few days with Neil. While he suspected that Neil wasn’t entirely convinced that he and Gus were good for each other, he was surprised to find that they were able to have several long, private conversations about it during which Neil admitted his concerns, but wholeheartedly gave his brother his support. As the result of this easing in long weeks of tension between them, Adam decided to stay an extra day at the last minute and not fly home on Thursday, as he’d originally planned.

He had no way to know that Gus, expecting him to be home on Thursday, had worked frantically to wrap up everything that absolutely needed to be done and managed to fly out a day early to surprise him.

Fortunately, Beth was at the house when he arrived late Thursday evening. Trying to laugh off his disappointment, Gus went straight to the phone and looked up Neil’s number.

“What’s the matter?” Adam said worriedly when he heard Gus’ voice.

“I’m just wondering where you are.”

“Where do you think I am? I’m sitting in Neil’s kitchen. Why?”

“Because I’m sitting in _your_ kitchen.”

Adam nearly dropped the phone. “What do you mean, you’re sitting in my kitchen?”

“Surprise!” Gus said dryly.

“Oh, I hope you’re joking.”

“Well, I’m not. It’s okay...I had the chance to get away early, so I did. I should have told you.”

“Gus, I’m _sorry_. I wasn’t expecting you until late tomorrow. I just thought I’d stay another night here.”

“There’s no need to be sorry,” he murmured. “We just got our wires crossed. Besides, I’m so damn tired that I probably wouldn’t be good company tonight anyway. By the time you’re home tomorrow, I should have recovered. Don’t worry...I could use a day sitting by the pool with a book.”

“My plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon,” Adam said glumly. “I’ll try to get out earlier, but I’m not sure there are any earlier flights.”

“Adam, _stop_. I’ll see you when I see you.”

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise. How about dinner tomorrow?”

“Well, since I’ve come all this way,” Gus teased. “I sure hope you’re going to feed me.”

“No, I mean dinner. Out. We’ll go out.”

Gus hesitated for only a second and then mentally kicked himself. They had to go through this sooner or later, and to be honest, he was inwardly pleased at Adam’s suggestion that that take this very public step together.

“I’d like that.”

 

* * * *

They say bad things come in threes. Strike two came the following day.

Gus spent the afternoon fretting over what to wear for dinner. Adam had told him nothing more than he wanted to take him somewhere special and that he was to be ready for when he arrived home in the early evening.

His feelings of missing Adam had been greatly compounded by being in his house and surrounded by his things without him being there, and consequently, the day dragged interminably. When there was a knock at the door around 5 o’clock, his heart jumped up into his throat until he realized that it was very unlikely that Adam was knocking on the door of his own house.

“Hey!” he said delightedly when he found Tommy on the doorstep. He hugged Tommy, and then pulled him inside.

“So you’re back,” Tommy said, hugging Gus again and then holding him away so he could get a good look at Gus. Like Michelle, he noticed the difference in Gus immediately, although in his case, he had more cause to regret the reason.

“I’m back. God, it’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, man. I wasn’t sure you’d make it in today with the weather. Bumpy flight?”

Gus narrowed his eyes at Tommy as they pulled up chairs at the island in the kitchen. “I came down yesterday. What weather?”

Now Tommy looked just as puzzled as Gus did. “Adam told me you were flying in Friday.”

Gus smiled ruefully. “Well, I had the bright idea to come early. Except I didn’t tell _him_ that and he decided to hang around Neil’s for another day.”

Tommy looked around. “So he’s not here?”

Gus went to the fridge and pulled out a pitcher of iced tea, pouring a glass for each of them. “Not yet. He’s supposed to be in around seven.”

“Oh,” Tommy said uneasily. “Well, expect him to be late. There’s bad weather all up the seaboard.  That’s why I dropped by. I figured he’d be here going out of his mind waiting for you and could use some company to pass the time if you got delayed.”

Gus sank down beside him. “Are you serious?”

“Afraid so,” Tommy said gently. “Don’t worry...maybe he’ll get lucky and the worst will have passed before his flight.”

Gus sighed and Tommy felt bad for disappointing him. “So far this trip isn’t going the way it’s supposed to.” Then he grinned up at Tommy. “So instead of keeping him company, you’ll have to keep me company.”

“I can do that,” Tommy said, pleased.

“Are you sure I’m not keeping you from anything?”

“Nope. I was going clubbing later with some friends, but I can skip it. Really,” he added when he saw Gus was about to protest. “We aren’t going until about ten, so relax. Adam should be here by then; if he is, I’ll take off.”

“So much for dinner,” Gus said glumly, and at Tommy’s curious expression, explained, “We were actually going to try and go out to dinner tonight. Together. In a restaurant. In public. Heaven help us both.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Tommy said doubtfully. “Those types of things can get out of hand.”

“You just finished telling me you’re going clubbing. What’s the difference?”

“Well, first of all...it’s a private club. Secondly, I’m used to it. Thirdly, it’s mostly an older crowd; they don’t get quite as hysterical.”

“Yes, we older people do tend to be a little more low-key,” Gus agreed with a straight face. “Look, I know what you’re saying. But sooner or later, we’re going to have to give it a try.”

Tommy stared hard at his glass. “It’s a big step, but if it’s what you want, I’m glad for you.”

“Thank you,” Gus said, touched by Tommy’s concern and leaned across to give him a hug. Tommy caught the scent of Gus’ cologne and felt a momentary twinge of restlessness that he had to struggle to squash.

He began telling Gus about the video shoot earlier in the week and they were still talking when Adam called about six-thirty, and to Gus’s dismay, had to confirm that the weather had completely disrupted his plans.

“It’s so foggy here that they can’t even see the planes, let alone the runways,” he said apologetically. “Nothing is going in or out of here at the moment. It’s going to be at least three or four hours. I’m so sorry, Gus. This is two days in a row I’ve done this to you. You must be getting pretty tired of being stuck there by yourself.”

“Don’t worry; I’m not. I’ve got company.” He pushed the speakerphone button and added, “Tommy’s here. He was expecting _me_ to be stuck in an airport somewhere, not you.”

“You’re still a lousy host,” said Tommy.

“And you’re not funny. But I’m glad you’re there. Can you stick around until I get back?”

“Sure,” said Tommy, not daring to look at Gus.

“No, he can’t,” Gus said firmly. “Tommy has plans tonight. In fact, he should be going soon.”

“I told you; I was only going to a club with some friends. I don’t have to be there.”

They were glowering at each other, when Adam suggested, “Why don’t you take Gus with you?”

“Excuse me?” said Gus. “I can make my own plans, thank you.”

“I’d feel better if you weren’t there by yourself. I’ve already ruined your evening twice. Why don’t you tag along with Tommy and have some fun?”

“Maybe Tommy’s got a date,” he said pointedly.

“No, I’m just going with a bunch of friends. Sure, you can come with us.”

“You don’t need me along.” In the direction of the phone, Gus added, “ I can take care of myself, so both of you stop worrying about me.”

“Look...Tommy,” Adam said with a sigh. “Please just do me a favor and take Gus with you, okay? It will keep him out of trouble. Come on, Gus...then I won’t feel so guilty.”

“I don’t know why you feel guilty in the first place,” he complained. “I don’t think you can take the blame for the airport being fogged in.”

“I’ll take care of him,” Tommy agreed, despite the black look he got. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll see you when you get back.”

“You don’t have to baby-sit me,” Gus said to him when they hung up.

“Maybe I’d like to take you out,” Tommy said reasonably. “You might even have a good time and it will keep your mind off things. I know you’re not much of a club person, but...”

Gus arched eyebrows at him. “I’ll have you know that most of my work in Vice and Narcotics was done in clubs and raves. I’ve probably spent more time in them than you have.”

“So, then there’s no problem, is there?”

That made Gus grind his teeth. “Oooh, I don’t know which one of you is more annoying, but if it will get you off my back, I’ll say yes. And stop looking so damn pleased with yourself.” He glanced at his watch. “So tell me, exactly how much time do I have to get funky?”

Tommy slid off the barstool. “If I come back for you about nine, will that be okay?”

“Sure. I guess so. But I’m warning you...I might start getting the urge to start shaking people down. You’re just going to have to keep an eye on me.”

He missed the expression on Tommy face when he replied, “I don’t think that’s going to be any problem.”


	17. Chapter 17

If the little voice in his head was ragging on Tommy about the wisdom of taking Gus out, Tommy managed to convince it that he was simply doing Adam a favor. In a more honest moment, he had to admit to himself that the chance to spend an evening with Gus was too tempting to resist, although he did sternly warned himself that he had to remember at all times exactly _whose_ boy he was squiring around town.

Adam had already arranged for Kevin to meet him and Gus at the house to drive them for the night and Tommy left those plans in place, figuring that Gus would be more comfortable with Kevin there to run interference if there were any problems. Pulling into Adam’s driveway, he found that Kevin was already there and then went inside to see if Gus was ready.

He nearly fell over himself when he saw Gus.

Gus had come more prepared for this trip, having dragged Michelle out with him on a few shopping sprees ahead of time. And while choosing something to wear to dinner when he didn’t know where they were going had proved to be tough, choosing something to wear to a club was a little more straightforward. It had been a long time since he had dressed himself up for a night on the town, but once he had made up his mind to go, he also made up his mind to look as good as he possibly could.

Mindful of the heat both inside and out, he’d chosen a black suede vest with a low v-neck. It was tight-fitting, showing off his narrow waist and slender arms, and worn over a tight pants made from the same material. The pants hugged his ass and legs beautifully, and in a concession to comfort as much as not wanting to tower too much over his companion, he wore flat leather sandals.

“Wow,” said Tommy, trying to pick his jaw up off the floor.

“Is this okay?” Gus ran one hand down the front of his outfit, smoothing the fabric into place.

“Yeah,” Tommy said finally. “I think you’ll do.”

“We even match, sort of,” Gus observed. Tommy was also wearing a black shirt, over black leather pants. “Are you ready?”

The traffic downtown was predictably busy for a Friday night, and as a result, Kevin wasn’t able to pull the car around to the back of the club, as he would have preferred. With a shrug, Tommy got out when the car stopped at the front door and Gus followed him. There were a few people on the sidewalk who gaped openly as they recognized who he was, but before anyone could say anything, Tommy had steered Gus inside.

It was a little more laid back than some of the clubs Gus was used to, but as Tommy had already pointed out, the crowd was also a little older and things had also obviously not warmed up much yet. A handful of his friends were already there, several of which Gus had met before, so he was quickly caught up in their circle and made to feel comfortable.

Tommy bought him a drink and they sat and talked with the rest of the group until the dance floor started to fill up, and then Tommy raised his eyebrows at Gus over the edge of his glass.

“Do you want to dance?”

“Isn’t that the whole idea of coming to a club?” Gus said cheekily and grabbed his hand. “I was wondering when you were going to get around to asking me that.”

For once disregarding the care Gus usually took to avoid strenuous dancing, the two of them spent a considerable amount of time out on the floor. When Tommy took a break, Gus danced with several of his friends, and, in a moment of recklessness, with a couple of men he didn’t know who approached him out of the blue. Feeling more free-spirited than he had in a long time, he also let Tommy buy him more drinks than he normally ever had when he was out and generally enjoyed himself and all the attention he was getting.

For one slow song, he declined an invitation from one of the men he had danced with previously and pulled Tommy up out of his seat.

“You were right about one thing,” Gus said to Tommy, as they moved together to the music. “You are keeping my mind off Adam.”

It was entirely the wrong thing to say to Tommy, but Gus had no way to know how it bothered Tommy. He was already enjoying Gus’ company far too much, and the last person he wanted to be reminded of was the person who had trusted him to look after Gus.

“So tell me. How did things work out with you and Anna?”

The question rattled Tommy. “I’ve seen her a few times. She’s really nice.”

“I thought so too. You two seemed to really suit each other. So is the relationship going anywhere?”

“I don’t know,” Tommy said lamely. “I haven’t thought about it that much.”

“And why not?” Gus chided him. “Have you got someone else on your mind?”

Tommy clenched his jaw. “You told me once never to talk about another person while you’re dancing with somebody.”

“Good point. I’m just being nosy. I can’t help it...I really liked her, and I want to see you happy.”

It was another comment from the “thank you for kicking me in the gut” department, and this time, Tommy had to break away from Gus on the pretext that he was thirsty and needed to stop for a drink.

They sat back down with the group, and if Gus noticed how Tommy’s mood had darkened a little, he didn’t mention it. A half-hour later, when he excused himself to go and freshen up, Tommy barely paid any attention to him.

Gus was coming out of the rest room, having splashed cold water on his face, when one of the men he had danced with earlier stopped him on his way back to his table.

He’d clearly had more than his share to drink since Gus last saw him and this time, when Gus politely declined his invitation to dance, wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Thanking him firmly a second time, Gus went to sidle around him and found himself brought up short when he seized Gus by one arm.

“I said I wasn’t interested,” Gus warned him, trying to disengage himself. “So I’d appreciate it if you’d just buzz off.”

“You were interested enough a couple of hours ago,” the man said in a petulant voice and tightened his grip on his arm.

“A couple of hours ago you were a nice, polite guy who asked me to dance,” Gus snapped. “Now you’ve turned into someone a lot less pleasant. I’m not interested, so _let go_.”

The guy made no effort to release Gus although he did turn away, intent on pulling Gus back onto the dance floor with him. Gus simply took hold of the thumb of his free hand and twisted it until he yelped and let go, but when Gus went to push past him, he found that Tommy had come looking for him and was now scowling darkly at the man who was bothering him.

“Are you all right?” Tommy asked him.

“Actually, he’s just a jerk,” the other man sneered. “So don’t waste your time.”

Without a word, Gus just slid through the gap between him and Tommy, but got a shock when his tormentor reached out as he went by and touched him in a very inappropriate way. Outraged, Gus half turned with his fists clenched to belt him one, when Tommy took matters into his own hands and shoved the other man hard, knocking him flat on his back.

“Leave him alone,” he said furiously, and grabbed Gus by one arm, practically yanking his off his own feet.

Gus caught only a momentary glimpse of his aggressor struggling to get up off the floor before Tommy had dragged him back across the club to their table.

Picking up Gus’ coat, Tommy shoved it at him. “Come on. We’re going.”

“What on earth for?” Gus said stupidly. Then as, Tommy caught his arm again and pushed him towards the door, he stammered embarrassed goodnights to his group of friends, who looked no less startled that Gus did.

Kevin was astonished at their unexpected appearance but said nothing and held the car door open for both of them. Utterly perplexed, Gus got in and put his seatbelt on, progressively confused by the fact that Tommy sat looking out the window on the drive back and refused to answer any of his questions.

By the time they reached Adam’s house, Gus was mad. With a brief thank-you to Kevin, he got out of the car and stomped into the house, noting bleakly that there was still no sign of Adam as he went around opening patio doors to let the late evening breeze into the house.

“All right,” he said evenly, coming back to the kitchen, where Tommy was leaning against the island with his head down and his arms crossed. “Would you mind telling me what the _hell_ is going on?”

“It was time to go, that’s all.”

“So when an evening’s over you just drag a friend out without a word to anybody else? Give me a break. What’s got you so pissed off?”

“How about coming along and finding some guy with his hands all over you?” Tommy said through clenched teeth.

“First of all,” Gus retorted. “He didn’t have his hands all over me. Secondly, I was making it very clear to him that he was about to lose several of his fingers if he didn’t let go. Thirdly, what possible reason could you have had to shove him like that?”

“Because you didn’t look like you were taking care of the problem.”

“For God’s sake, Tommy,” Gus flared. “I’m not a girl and I used to be a cop. If I’d wanted to, I could have dropped him on his ass.”

“So why didn’t you?”

Gus gaped at him in astonishment. “How about because I didn’t want to cause a scene? You’re lucky he didn’t wind up and try to thump the crap out of you. If he’d been any less drunk, he probably would have and that would have looked real good in the paper tomorrow.”

“I can take care of myself,” Tommy snapped back at him. “I’d just had enough. I’m tired of this.”

“Tired of what?” Gus cried.

Tommy’s head jerked up and he lost his temper completely. “I’m tired of always having to pretend that it doesn’t bother me seeing you with someone else. I’m tired of not being able to tell you how I feel about you.”

Gus was so shocked by how angry Tommy was that it took a couple of moments for the actual words to sink in. Then his face went white. “What do you mean?”

Tommy rarely let alcohol get the better of him, but in his agitated state tonight he had had far too much to drink. Now, completely frustrated and on edge, he wasn’t thinking clearly enough to walk away and instead, let another rash impulse get the better of him.

“I’m sorry,” he said desperately, and pushed himself away from the edge of the island. Thinking he was going to walk out, Gus reached out one hand to stop him, caught off guard instead when took a tight hold of both his shoulders and stepped in hard against him. Gus managed one weak bleat of protest before Tommy kissed him, pressing him back against the wall so that he couldn’t move and touching his face with Gus’ hands.

Strike three.

Gus was too stunned to push Tommy away. He would have been only slightly more shocked if Barack Obama had jumped out of the oven and grabbed him. Movement was impossible, but as he stood trapped against Tommy he suddenly let go and turned away.

They stood side by side; Gus leaning back and grateful that something was holding him up and Tommy leaning forward with his forehead pressed against the wall and his hands holding his head.

“Oh, God...Tommy,” Gus said after a minute.

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry...” he said in a muffled, broken voice.

Gus turned his head to look at Tommy and he seemed so distraught that Gus’ heart bled for him. “Oh, Tommy,” Gus said again, more gently. “I don’t understand... _you_ are the one who’s been trying so hard to get me and Adam together. Why haven’t you ever said something to me about this?”

That seemed to startle Tommy out of his misery. “Like _what_?” he croaked, twisting around so that he could see Gus. “What on earth was I supposed to say to you? Was I supposed to tell Adam too? ‘Oh, by the way, I’m hopelessly attracted to your boyfriend?’ Are you crazy?”

Gus didn’t have an answer for that, and he saw the way Tommy’s face changed.

“I know how you feel about him,” Tommy said tiredly. “I know how serious things are between you.”

“Adam and I,” Gus said with great care, trying not to upset Tommy any further. “Are taking things real slow.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that the two of you are nuts about each other. I’ve seen the way you look at him.” Tommy slumped back against the wall, and added, “I’ve spent an awful lot of time wishing you’d look at me that way.”

Gus closed his eyes, trying to hold back tears. In one brief moment, their entire friendship had changed and he could think of absolutely nothing to say that would comfort Tommy.

“I’d better go,” Tommy muttered.

So as not to brush past Gus, Tommy went around the far end of the island and turned back through the living room. It took a moment for Gus to react, then he went after Tommy, running out of the kitchen the other way and cutting him off before Tommy could get out to the door.

“Oh no you don’t,” he insisted. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Tommy refused to look at him. “For Fuck’s sake, Gus...please. Can’t you understand how badly I feel right now? I’d just rather be alone.”

“I don’t care.” Gus seized by the forearms, then thought better of it and let go. “Come, on...I can’t let you leave.”

“Give me one good reason,” Tommy said in a dull voice.

“I’ll give you two. First of all, you’ve been drinking and there’s no way I’m going to let you drive like this.” Tommy already had his car keys in his hands, and when he tried to hold them out of his reach, Gus snatched them from him, and with a softball player’s precision, turned and hurled them out through the open patio doors and over the deck.

There was a muted splash.

“So much for keyless entry,” said Tommy bleakly.

Ignoring him, Gus went on, “And secondly, there’s no way we can just leave it like this. Tommy, we have got to talk.”

Tommy’s mouth twisted into a pained smile.“Don’t you think I’ve already embarrassed myself enough?”

“I’m serious.” This time when Gus took hold of Tommy’s arms he held on, ignoring the way Tommy shrank back at his touch. “If we don’t talk about this now, we’re both going to go away and let our imaginations get the better of us. Then what will it be like the next time I see you? We’ll have both gone over this a thousand times in our heads and it’s going to be impossible to look at each other. And then I’m never going to know if it’s because you can’t bear to face up to it, or because it wasn’t that important to you and you’ve just forgotten about it or because you’re angry at me because of the way I’ve hurt you.”

“You haven’t hurt me,” Tommy said, low.

“I _know_ I have,” Gus whispered. “You’ve always been such a good friend to me and I’ve always felt so close to you...but I must have hurt you every time I hugged you or kissed you, or sat close to you like I did tonight. I never thought for a minute...but I should have. I should have, and I’m so sorry.”

Tommy had his eyes closed and despite Gus tugging on his hands, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Gus.

“Please, Tommy...I don’t want to lose your friendship. You’re too important to me. Will you please stay and talk to me about this? If you have things that you’ve wanted to say to me, I want to hear them.” When Tommy continued to hesitate, Gus said gently, “The only way we’re going to know where we stand with each other is if we’re completely honest about it. Otherwise, things are never going to be right between us again. And I don’t want that.”

“I guess I don’t have a choice,” Tommy said after minute. “Unless I want to go swimming to get my car keys.”

Gus propelled Tommy across to the sofa and made him sit down. “Stay there. I’m just going to change and make us some coffee and some popcorn and we’ll talk. Promise me you’ll stay?”

Defeated, Tommy nodded. On his way to his room Gus suddenly turned back on impulse and came back up behind the sofa and leaned down, putting his arms around Tommy’s neck and hugging him.

“By the way,” he said shyly, resting his head against Tommy’s for a moment. “Just so that you don’t get too down on yourself, I did want to let you know...I think you’re a very good kisser.”  
****  
Neither of them heard Adam at first when he finally came in. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he left his luggage by the door and crept into the living room where the flickering from the television was the only light in the room.

When he got closer, he stopped and grinned to himself. Gus was curled up on the far sofa, fast asleep and Tommy was fast asleep on the other one. Judging by the empty coffee cups and the half-empty bowl of popcorn, it looked like they had come back early and spent the rest of the evening watching TV.

Tommy must have heard him because he suddenly sat up, blinking in the half-darkness. Adam raised a hand in greeting but he only had eyes for Gus, even though he hesitated to wake him.

Taking the choice from him, Tommy got up and leaned down over Gus, gently shaking his arm. Startled, Gus opened his eyes, and when he saw Tommy, smiled drowsily and let Tommy pull him to a sitting position.

“Look who’s here,” Tommy murmured to him and then stood back so Gus could see.

At that particular point in time, Tommy desperately wanted to be anywhere but standing next to the pair of them when they saw each other for the first time after two weeks of being apart. Gus stood up just as Adam reached the sofa and slid into his arms without a word, letting Adam hold him tightly and breathing in his scent and his nearness.

“Hey,” Adam said almost timidly. “I know I’m two days late. Do you forgive me?”

“You can make it up to me somehow,” Gus smiled, and they stood for a moment with their heads together, just holding hands.

“All right,” Tommy said as cheerfully as he could and only Gus noticed the strain in his voice. “I think I’d better clear out.”

Adam looked over Gus’s head and stretched a hand out to his friend. “Thanks for keeping his company tonight. It felt a lot better knowing he was with you.”

Tommy looked away, and Gus, catching the look on his face, drew back from Adam and made a point of glancing at the clock.

“Holy cow, it’s nearly five. You could have walked from Neil’s in the same amount of time you must have sat in the airport. You must be exhausted.”

“It’s been a long day,” Adam admitted. “And I’m starving.”

“Well, I’ll make you something, but just give me a minute.” Gus looked over at Tommy and tucked one hand through his arm. “I’m just going to walk my date out to his car.”

In the driveway, they stood a bit uncomfortably while Tommy got out his keys, and then both began to laugh at the water that was still seeping from the little remote control.

“I really am sorry about that,” Gus said, shamefaced.

“It’s not your fault. You were right. I shouldn’t have even thought about driving.” Tommy paused and stared intently at the ground for a moment. “I know it’s not realistic to think that this won’t change things between us...”

“You’re right. There’s no way to get around that. Things have changed. We can’t ignore what happened. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t be as close as we’ve always been. I’ll just have to try and be a little more sensitive about your feelings.”

“It’s going to drive me crazy if you just walk on eggshells around me all the time.”

“I won’t. I promise. And I don’t think I’ve thanked you properly for what you did for me tonight.”

“Right,” Tommy said, rolling his eyes. “Like you should be thanking me for that.”

Gus poked him. “Cut it out. You went to a lot of trouble for me, and I appreciate it. And I had fun. Really.” He reached out and hugged Tommy and after a momentary hesitation, Tommy put his arms around Gus and hugged him back tightly.

“All right,” he said severely, setting Gus back. “Somebody’s waiting for you. Don’t keep him waiting on my account.”

Gus watched Tommy drive off and rubbed his eyes tiredly. They had had a long and very painful conversation but in the end, both admitted that they felt better for having it all out in the open. It remained to be seen whether their friendship could continue to be as close as it had been, now that things were so drastically altered between them.

Trying to shake it off, he went back in the house and found Adam in the kitchen drinking a glass of juice and eyeing the contents of the refrigerator. When he looked up and saw Gus, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling and promptly forgot about his appetite.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” Gus replied, unable to control his own smile.

Adam put down his glass and held out one hand to Gus and Gus walked forward into his embrace, feeling his heart begin to pound at Adam’s touch. Adam stood holding Gus against him with his eyes closed and his own heart racing and felt that familiar jolt of warmth that he always got from having Gus near him.

“Did you have a good flight?” Gus murmured against his shoulder. “I mean... eventually?”

“You ask the strangest questions at the strangest times,” Adam replied, running his hands up and down Gus’ back with a groan. “I was hoping that you’d ask me if I missed you.”

Gus leaned back to see Adam’s eyes and felt the color rush into his face at the way Adam was looking at him. “So...did you miss me?”

“I missed you,” Adam said huskily and then circled his hands gently around Gus’ neck. “Come here and I’ll show you how much I missed you.”

It crossed Gus’ mind briefly that Adam was standing and kissing him in exactly the same spot that Tommy had stood and kissed him a few hours earlier. The thought didn’t last long. At the first taste of Adam, Gus stopped thinking all together and for several long minutes there was nothing between them but emotion and pure physical pleasure.

And it was different... _better_...in an elusive way that he couldn’t pin down. He felt it immediately, and sensed Adam did as well, but couldn’t tell whether it was a change in him, or in Adam, or in them both.

When Adam came up for air, he held his face close to Gus’ and whispered, “That’s a start, but I’m not finished. As soon as I’ve had some sleep, we’re going to continue this discussion.”

“What’s to discuss?” Gus whispered back. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. I believe you.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Adam said. He brushed his fingers across Gus’ cheek and felt suddenly and inexplicably awkward. “Gus...I still feel so bad about the way things got messed up tonight. I wanted to take you out somewhere special, where we could talk...I’ve got all kinds of things that I’ve been waiting to say to you. I had everything all rehearsed in my head but I’m so tired now I’m afraid things won’t come out right.”

“Hey... _hey_ ,” Gus said softly, moved by how earnest Adam was. “It’s all right. I’m not going anywhere. I can wait until you’ve had some rest.” He turned his face into Adam’s hand and kissed the palm. “And you don’t need rehearsals. Just say what you want to say.”

Adam closed his eyes. “I don’t want to start just blurting it all out. And I didn’t want to say any of this to you over the phone.”

“Then _wait_ ,” Gus murmured. “And go and get some sleep.”

He touched his mouth gently to Adam’s cheek but when he tried to draw back, Adam’s eyes suddenly opened and he tightened his hold to stop Gus moving away.

“No...no. I think I’d better say this now, before I lose my nerve.”

Gus’ nerves were already on edge from his heartbreaking conversation with Tommy earlier. But Adam was so grave and intent that he couldn’t bring himself to dissuade Adam, despite the way his heart had gone up into his throat at Adam’s seriousness.

“If that’s what you want,” he murmured. “Go on. I’m listening.”

Adam’s mouth quirked into a brief smile, then he went very sober. Holding both Gus’ hands, he focused on them hard, and for a moment seemed to be unable to find a starting point. Gus squeezed his fingers gently, and Adam glanced up and when he saw the patient, affectionate look on Gus’ face, he suddenly began speaking.

“Even when you weren’t here, I couldn’t believe how incredibly close I still felt to you. I missed you every minute that you were gone, but I still felt like I had you with me.” He paused for a moment, his eyes on Gus’ face, groping for better words. “Do you understand what I mean?”

Gus nodded wordlessly.

“This connection that we’ve got; it’s stronger than I ever expected it would be...and believe me, I was expecting it be pretty strong. I can’t explain it and I certainly don’t pretend to understand it, but I know you feel it too.

“And I know we talked a lot about both of us needing to go slow and not put any pressure on each other to get closer than we were ready for. But we both had trouble with that sometimes...didn’t we? And I admit...a couple of times I made things difficult for you when I shouldn’t have.”

“You can’t help the effect you have on men,” Gus said breathlessly.

“Don’t joke... _please_. I know I told you that I believe that two people need to be joined _here_...” He laid Gus’ hand, palm open, on his own chest. “Before they get physically involved. Otherwise...well, that’s not the kind of relationship I want. It might work for some people, but it's never worked for me.”

“It's never worked for me either,” Gus admitted, but his mouth had started to tremble.

Adam ducked his head and began stammering desperately. “I’ve thought so much about this and when we sat down to talk about it, I wanted to do it right, but things went all wrong in the last couple of days and I haven’t had my chance. I’m sorry...maybe this isn’t the right time to say this...but I want to tell you now, before you say anything else... that I don’t want to hold back from you anymore and I don’t want there to be any distance between us. I know I’m ready, and I want to be close to you every way I can.”

He stared down at the way Gus was entwining his fingers with his and then jumped like he’d been scalded when hot tears suddenly landed on the back of his hands.

“Oh, God...why are you crying?”

“You should write songs for a living; has anyone ever told you that?” Gus said brokenly. He rocked forward until Adam caught him and said in an emotional, tearful rush, “You don’t play _fair_...saying all those incredible things to me the moment I lay eyes on you, without even giving me a chance to say mine _first_...it wasn’t very gentlemanly...even if your words were a lot better than mine and I couldn’t possibly have put things so wonderfully...”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Adam murmured in bewilderment.

Gus groaned. “You _haven’t_ upset me, you great big goof...you’re not listening.” Wiping at his eyes frantically, he said, “Never mind. You should have known better than to have started this at five o’clock in the morning when we’re both too tired to think straight.” Adam twisted Gus’ arms up around his neck and hung on for dear life and whispered, “All I can say is that no one has ever said anything so beautiful to me in all my life. I just wish I’d said it all first. So _there_.”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t say it all first, or I’d be the one crying like an idiot,” Adam said a bit shakily. “Here. Hold still.” He dabbed at Gus’ eyes with the loose cuff of his shirt, and then said irrationally, “By the way, your hair looks nice like that.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Gus said and his voice caught in a half-laugh, half-sob. “I see that we’ve used up all the beautiful words and now we’re moving on to the silly, self-conscious small talk. I’m not even sure I can manage _that_ at the moment.”

“But it does look nice,” Adam said with a smile. Then, uncertainly, he asked, “Are you okay with what I said?”

Tears welled in Gus’ eyes again, but he just turned his face up and kissed Adam. “I _love_ what you said.”

“Because...” Adam’s voice was starting to falter again. “I feel so bad about not being here when you tried to surprise me, and then not being here again tonight...I want to make it up to you. So I’m going to plan B and I want you to come away with me for a few days.”

“You just got home,” Gus protested.

“I don’t care. I want to take you some place special. Don’t ask me where...I want it to be a surprise. It’s just somewhere really beautiful and private...” He touched Gus’ cheek. “So we can really be alone. So I can make things up to you.”

Gus sighed. “You don’t need to make anything up to me. And being here with you is special enough for me.”

“Oh, yeah?” Adam teased. “What about that big long story you gave me once about setting the mood, and having ambience and atmosphere?”

Gus lifted his head to look at Adam and gave him one of those long, direct looks that made Adam’s heart turn over. “As far as mood goes, I’ve been listening to you whispering to me over the phone for the past two weeks, and I have enough mood stored up in me to last about a month. So all the ambience I need is already _right_ here, _right_ now.”

“Oh.” There was enough insinuation in that remark that, despite himself, Adam had to ask. “Er...by any chance, does that mean that you’re suggesting...right here, right now?”

Gus’ eyes widened. Thoughtfully, he stretched out one hand and laid it on the tile countertop beside them, idly tapping his fingers on the surface as if testing it for sturdiness. He glanced back up at Adam, saw his mouth drop open and then said slowly, “That’s a _very_ interesting and tempting idea...but, no...I can wait...Oooh, look at him blush!”

“And you are an evil man,” Adam muttered, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Making suggestions like that to me when I’m in a weakened condition.”

Gus took Adam’s face between his hands and kissed him soundly. “So go and get some sleep.” When Adam’s arms came around his waist to hold him, he very neatly detached himself from Adam’s embrace. “And when you’re all rested up, we’re going to talk some more about this idea of going away.”

“Actually, we’re not. To be honest...” Adam looked up at the clock. “We’re leaving at eleven.”

He put one finger gently underneath Gus’ sagging jaw and closed it. “No arguments. Please, Gus. This is important to me. I need to do this for you and you’re just going to have to suffer.”


	18. Chapter 18

Adam refused to tell Gus anything else about his plans. When Gus protested that he didn’t even know what to pack, all he would tell Gus was that he just needed to throw a few personal things into a bag and wear comfortable jeans and a sweater for the flight.

“Flight?” Gus said warily.

“Anything else you need, we’ll get you once we get there.”

“Will you at least tell me how long we’ll be gone?”

“We’ll be back on Wednesday. You are staying all week, aren’t you?”

Gus chewed his lip. “I shouldn’t. I should probably go home Thursday so I have at least one day this week to put out some fires. Besides, don’t you have things to do this week sometime?”

“We’ll talk about that later,” he said obstinately. Running on only a couple of hours of sleep, he was alternating between being euphoric at having Gus back with him and being downright touchy.

Gus sighed. “Okay, Scarlett.”

Gus really began to wonder what was going on when Jeremy showed up at the door at eleven.

“So, will _you_ tell me where we’re going?” he demanded, hands on hips.

“I don’t know yet,” Jeremy replied, trying to look as innocent as possible.

“You liar. You’re all in this together.”

“Hey, I’m just here to beat off the screaming girls.”

“Gee, thanks. _Now_ I feel much better.”

Determined to wait until the last minute possible, Adam stalled at revealing any details until they actually had to check at the airport. It proved to be a tricky moment, since several people recognized him the moment they arrived and having a private conversation rapidly became more difficult.

He handed Gus his ticket and waited expectantly for his reaction.

“Denver?” Gus said in astonishment. “Colorado?”

“Will you lower your voice?” Adam said, rolling his eyes. “Yes, Colorado. But Denver is just the first stop. We’re actually going to Vail.”

He wouldn’t answer any more questions until they were through Security and in the relative privacy of the First Class lounge. When Jeremy went in search of some cold drinks for them, Adam took Gus aside and sat him down.

“I’ve never been to this particular resort before,” he admitted. “But I know people who have. They say it’s very beautiful and very quiet and there’s all kinds of little chalets hidden away in the woods. It’s very relaxing, but there’s still lots to do if you want, and the skiing is supposed to be amazing.”

He as so anxious for Gus’ approval that he took Gus’ look of distress completely the wrong way. “If you’d rather go somewhere else,” he said slowly. “We can change things around...”

Gus shook his head. “No. No...this sounds wonderful.”He hesitated, uncertain how to tell Adam. “There’s only one little problem. I can’t ski.”

He relaxed a little. “That’s not a problem. Neither can half the other people there. That’s why they have ski instructors.”

Gus sighed. “That’s not what I mean. I know _how_ to ski. In fact, I used to be pretty good at it.” His mouth twisted apologetically. “But skiing is one of the things my doctors have told me definitely not to do.”

He saw the momentary surprise that flickered across Adam’s face, followed by a look of consternation that he hadn’t made the connection in the first place.

“It’s too risky for me,” he said gently. “It’s like any contact sport. If I fall...”

“I’m so sorry,” Adam murmured. “I’m so stupid...I never even thought...”

“Wait a minute. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to go. It sounds incredible...of course I want to go.”

“And how are you going to feel,” Adam said, angry with himself. “Being right in the middle of a lot of people doing something that you can’t do anymore? I don’t want you being reminded of that every five minutes. It’s my fault for not thinking it through...”

“No,” Gus said soberly. “It’s my fault. I try so hard to pretend that I don’t have to live my life differently than before. I’m quite happy when people forget that I can’t do a lot of normal things. Before I came down here, Michelle gave me a lecture about being honest with you, and this is exactly what she meant.”

“There are some things,” Adam said quietly. “That you shouldn’t have to spell out for me. I’m sorry, Gus.”

“Don’t be,” he said, frustrated. “You just finished telling me that this place is absolutely beautiful and that there are lots of other things to do besides ski, so it sounds wonderful to me.”

Adam didn’t look convinced. With a sigh, Gus moved closer to him on the seat and slid one hand inside the opening of his jacket to lay it against his chest.

“Besides,”  he said, very softly, with his chin on Adam’s shoulder. “I thought the whole idea was _not_ to come out of our hotel room for three days?”

Taking advantage of the fact that no one was looking in their direction, he pressed a kiss to the underside of Adam’s jaw, making him go weak. He glanced over and saw the gentle, teasing smile on Gus’ face and nodded.

“Maybe it’s just as well, then,” he agreed, low. “Fewer distractions.”

Although his brain was still spinning with the events of the last twelve hours, there was one thing in particular that kept bothering Gus until he finally gave up trying to dismiss it and put one hand on Adam’s arm.

“Since I’m going to be incommunicado for a few days, I’m just going to check my messages, okay?”

Adam nodded, but when Gus went to the phone booth, it wasn’t his answering service that he called.

“Have your keys dried out yet?” he asked, when Tommy answered.

He was more than a little flustered to hear from Gus.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” he said gently. “And that you’re not still worrying about yesterday.”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” Tommy confessed. “But I’ll be all right. Just give me a little time.”

There was an announcement over the public address system, and though Gus hurriedly clapped his hand over the receiver, Tommy heard it loud and clear and said, perplexed, “Where on earth are you?”

“At the airport,” he admitted. “Adam and I are going away for a few days.”

“Oh,” Tommy said.

“I’m sorry...I don’t mean to make you feel bad. I was just calling because I’ve been thinking about you, and I want to make sure that you know that what I said last night still stands.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Can I see you when we get back? Before I go home, I mean?”

“Of course you can,” Tommy said, surprised. “Anytime you want.”

“Good.  I’ll call you.”

Tommy wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he asked anyway. “So...where are you two going?”

“Vail.”

“It’s nice there; you’ll like it,” he said, trying to keep his voice neutral. “Gus...you _do_ know that it’s really important to me that you’re happy...I’ve got my own stuff to deal with, but if this is what you and Adam want, then that’s all that really matters to me.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s easy for you though,” Gus said, soberly. “And I just want you to know that I realize it isn’t. Now, I think we can stop apologizing to each other.”

“Okay,” Tommy agreed and Gus was relieved to hear the hint of laughter in his voice. “Have a great time. I’ll talk to you when you get back.”

“Anybody important?” Adam asked when Gus went back to his seat.

“What?” he said blankly.

“Your messages,” Adam prodded. “Anybody important?”

“Oh. No.” Sinking down on the seat next to Adam, Gus gave him a dazzling smile and added, “To heck with them all anyway. They’ll all just have to wait until I get back.”

They had a relatively peaceful flight, with Jeremy sitting across the aisle to assure them more privacy than they might otherwise have had. Gus, not the world’s happiest flyer, was less impressed with the second part of the journey, on a much smaller aircraft, from Denver to the airport near Vail.

“You don’t have to enjoy it so much, do you?” he said through gritted teeth to Adam.

“Can I help it if I like to fly?” Adam grinned at him, but at least made Gus feel better by holding his hand tightly until they landed for the second time.

The scenery was astounding, and even Gus, who had seen the Canadian Rockies, was more than affected by the beauty of it. The resort itself covered an enormous amount of property, but when he asked Adam if they were staying in the huge hotel complex, he shook his head.

“No. We’ve got something better than that.”

One of the snow-covered hillsides behind the resort was dotted with private little cabins, that were all tucked away in the trees where one could not be seen from another, and completely private and secluded. Adam had arranged for Jeremy to have one of his own, just a short distance away from the slightly larger one that he let Gus into with a flourish.

“Oh, _wow_ ,” Gus said when he found the light-switch. “This is gorgeous.”

It wasn’t particularly large, but typically cozy in chalet-style, with timbered ceilings and hardwood floors covered with a variety of plush area rugs. There was a tiny little kitchen, a huge bathroom and a grouping of an overstuffed sofa and chairs around a beautiful wood fireplace.

Adam came up behind Gus and slid his arms around him. “See?”he said, pointing. “I remembered. I’ll even get you some marshmallows if you want.”

Gus hugged Adam’s arms in against him and rested his head back on Adam’s shoulder. “I’d like that,” she murmured, but his eyes had been drawn irresistibly to the far corner of the room. “And that looks like a _very_ comfy bed over there.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” Adam said in a hushed voice, very close to his ear. They stood for a moment in silence, each dealing with their own private emotions, then he whispered, “Are you still okay with being here with me?”

Gus said nothing, but he nodded, pressing back against Adam. The thought of spending the night with Adam in this place, in _that_ bed, was almost more than he could stand, without giving into the urge to take matters into his own hands immediately.

As if Adam read his thoughts, he gently released Gus and tugged lightly at the collar of the sweater he wore. “We’d better get down to the main street and get you a few things before the stores close. Then we’re going out for dinner.”

“Out?” Gus said, a bit uneasily.

“It’s okay. Jeremy checked it out for me...he says it’s very private. He’ll tag along in the background, don’t worry.”

So late in the afternoon, there were few people in town and fewer people shopping, so they were able to do what they needed to do with a minimum of fuss. Adam insisted on buying Gus a jacket and boots, although they bickered about it all the way back to the cabin.

“I’m glad you at least let my buy something for myself,” Gus grumbled, dumping his packages on the sofa. “I think you’re trying to make a kept man out of me.”

“It was my idea to come here,” Adam said reasonably. “So it’s only fair that I buy you what you need for the weather.”

“And you’d choke if you knew how many sets of ski jackets and boots I have cluttering up my closet at home. I just didn’t think I’d need them on my trip to LA.”

He changed for dinner, putting on a new white cowl-neck sweater in soft lambs wool and tight black dress pants that made Adam whistle when he appeared.

“Stop trying to butter me up,” he said, blushing.

“I’m not. You look amazing.” As Gus went by him to pick up his coat, Adam snagged him by the arm. “Come here. You’re driving me crazy.”

“I thought we were going to dinner,” he protested, though he didn’t resist the feel of Adam against him.

“We are,” Adam said absently, but the kiss had already gone far deeper than he’d originally intended.

Gus sucked in his breath sharply and put both hands on Adam’s chest. “Not if you keep doing that we’re not.”

“I like your sweater,” Adam whispered. “It’s very soft.”

“Yes, it is...it’s nice of you to notice. I think we had a similar conversation once before about a pair of pajamas....” Resolve was rapidly going out the window. “Adam? _That_ ’s not my sweater. Oh my God... and you say I’m driving _you_ crazy?”

Reluctantly, Adam let him go and Gus sat down weakly on the nearest chair.

“If it wasn’t for the fact that I already have plans for tonight...” he grumbled.

Suspicion overcame breathlessness. “What plans?”

“It’s a secret.”

Gus closed his eyes. “Oh, not again. When will you stop? Look, you’re not going to make me get on another plane are you?”

“No,” Adam replied, holding Gus’ jacket for him. “And that’s all I’m saying. You’re just going to have to wait and see.”  
Jeremy came and walked them up to the main resort. As promised, the restaurant was softly lit and very private, and the manager, quite used to the parade of famous visitors through the resort, hardly batted an eye at either of them.

He gave them a booth at the back that was set on an angle and surrounded by huge potted plants so it was blocked quite effectively from the views of any other diners. By virtue of the fact that the seat was curved around the small table, they were able to sit very close together and be assured that their conversation would be completely private.

“I’ll be in the bar,” Jeremy said, more to Gus than to Adam. “You come and get me if you need me.”

Gus nodded, and a slight smile curved his mouth. “I noticed the ski bunnies. Try not to break too many hearts, okay?”

It took a few minutes for Adam to realize how nervous Gus was. Having noticed the stares he got when they’d walked through town, Gus was supremely conscious of being in a public place where they were quite literally backed into a corner if they drew any unwanted attention. The Undercover cop Prime Directive...never get yourself in a position where you don’t have at least two alternate ways to get back out.

Every time someone walked by, he could feel Gus tensing up beside him, even though it was very unlikely that anyone other than the restaurant staff even knew they were there.

“You can settle down,” Adam murmured to him. “I don’t think anyone is going to bother us here.”

He leaned over and kissed Gus lightly on the cheek and sighed at the way he jumped.

“How can you be so relaxed about it?” Gus fretted. “If just one person saw you come in here and decided to run back to their room and grab their camera...”

“So?”

“ _So_?”

“Yeah, _so_? I’m not saying I’d like it, but first of all, I don’t think it will happen here, and secondly, it will happen sooner or later, and maybe once it does you’ll stop worrying about it so much.”

“Sorry.” Gus tried to shake it off. “I know I’m being too stressed about it.”

Adam put one hand over his. “This isn’t exactly what I wanted for dinner conversation, but maybe you’d feel better if I told you how I’d like to handle this from now on.”

Gus’ eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“As far as the record label goes, they don’t make comments about my personal life at all. I’ve got publicists to handle that kind of thing. And they’ve been getting calls about you...that’s been going on ever since Toronto. All they’ve been saying is that, yes, of course I know you, and that you came to LA as a guest. But when we get back, I’d like to change that a bit. I want you to understand that I’ve never done this kind of thing before...but I’d like them to be able to say that yes, we are together and that yes, they’ll be seeing us together from now on.”

He saw the way Gus’ face changed, and hurriedly added, “I won’t do anything unless you’re okay with it, but believe me...in some ways, I think it will make things easier for you.”

“How do you figure that?” Gus said blankly.

“Because, in a really warped way, if I come out and say that you’re my boyfriend, a lot of the press will back off. The ones that matter anyway. They know they have to keep me sweet if they want me to get them when I allow interviews. The tabloids...well, there is absolutely nothing you can do about them, so don’t even bother. And most of the fans really respect what I do in our private life, even if they’re curious. Most won’t let anybody say anything against you because to them that’s the same as saying it against me.”

“You don’t surf the Internet much, do you?” Gus muttered.

“Except being on Twitter…no. I don’t. For exactly that reason. The fans that are going to give you a hard time are the ones I’m not interested in, and I’ve always said that. And any fan that gets in between you and me is going to have a problem. But honest...it will protect you a little if you’ll let me say something semi-official about us.” Frustrated, he reached out and unclenched Gus’ hands. “You know, there isn’t going to be anything left of that napkin if you don’t stop twisting it like that.”

“Oh my God,” Gus said weakly. No matter how obviously things had progressed to that level, it still shook him to hear Adam talk in those terms. “Wow. If that’s the way you’re thinking...that means...I guess we really are then...aren’t we?”

“Really are what?” he said, gently.

“Together.”

Adam raised his eyes skyward. “God, Gus...do you need a press release to make you believe that? Yes. We are together. You and me. As much as we can be, whenever we can be, wherever we can be. The rest is just details.”

Amused by Gus’ trembling smile, Adam put one hand behind his head and pulled it down against his shoulder. “You are such an idiot,” he whispered. “I can’t be doing much right if you still doubt me like that.” Cutting off his murmured protest, Adam added, “Don’t worry. By the time tonight is over, I promise you’re not going to have any more doubts.”

“You _do_ say the most amazing things,” Gus whispered. Forgetting himself completely, he turned his face in against Adam, nuzzling his neck while he rested his hand on Adam’s leg under the table and slid it up against his thigh.

Adam closed his eyes. “Okay, time to change the subject. No, Gus...really. _Really_. Cut it _out_. Hey, look...here comes somebody with a camera.”

Gus sat back so abruptly that he nearly upset the water glasses, and then scowled at Adam. “That’s not funny.”

“Neither is you putting moves on me in a public place,” Adam said, fanning himself with his menu. “Here, read this. Pick something. And if you do that again, I’m going to put an ice cube down your back.”

Obediently, Gus opened his menu and stared at it, but after a moment, he lowered it enough that he could look at Adam over the top, and Adam found Gus gazing at him with an undeniably contented expression.

“You look very happy,” Adam said gently.

A soft blush crept into Gus’ face, and Adam was touched by his sudden, sweet bashfulness.

“I am.”  
The rest of dinner passed very quietly, though what was lacking in actual conversation was more than compensated for with a series of exchanges of shy, lingering glances. Although still overwhelmed by the changes that were going on in his world, Gus was finding it impossible not to let himself be carried away by all the new emotions that were washing over him, cushioned by Adam’s unwavering concern for his feelings and his completely open affection.

The meal was delicious although he would have been hard pressed later to have recalled any of the details of it. He spent a lot of time unconsciously watching Adam’s hands, feeling his face flame when Adam caught him doing it and smiled at his embarrassment.

What puzzled him was Adam’s apparent hesitation to leave. Having been on tenterhooks with anticipation all evening, he half-expected and half-wanted Adam to bolt out of the restaurant with him the moment they had finished eating, but Adam insisted on ordering them both a dessert that neither of them really wanted and seemed to be desperately stalling for time.

“Are you waiting for something?” Gus finally asked when he noticed Adam glancing at his watch again.

“No,” he said definitely.

Gus thumped his napkin down on the table. “All right. You’re up to something... again. What are you planning now?”

“Be patient.”

“You worry me when you do this, do you know that? You aren’t supposed to keep secrets.”

Adam shrugged a bit awkwardly. “I just wanted to surprise you. You might think it’s a silly idea...”

He was rescued when Jeremy poked his head around the side of the booth without warning and spooked them both. At Adam’s questioning look, Jeremy nodded and Adam took hold of Gus’s hand.

“Okay, time to go.”

“Are you in on this?” Gus said accusingly to Jeremy. “You’re as bad as he is. I thought you were on my side.”

Grinning, Jeremy held his tongue and walked ahead of them through the middle of the restaurant. When they reached the cloakroom, he got them both their coats and stood holding the door open for them as Adam helped Gus slide his jacket on.

Adam didn’t notice the two girls, but both Gus and Jeremy did. As Adam zipped up Gus’ jacket and slid his hand through Gus’ arm to lead him out, Gus hesitated, and at Adam’s inquiring look, inclined his head casually to one side.

“Somebody’s looking for you.”

When Adam turned, he found two young girls had come up behind him and were now plastered nervously against the wall. The older of the two was about fourteen and the obviously younger sister didn’t look any older than eleven. A quick glance around revealed an anxious mother, watching from a few yards away.

Since the elder girl appeared to have fallen through in her job as spokesperson, Adam took matters into his own hands and smiled at them both.

“Hi,” he said, kindly. “Did you want to see me?”

The younger girl nodded. The older one just stared. With a sigh, Adam got down on one knee and beckoned them both over. They edged a little closer, then the younger sister bravely threw caution to the wind and went right up to him and whispered in his ear.

“Oh,” Adam said and looked rather nonplussed. “Thank you. I’ll be sure to tell him that.” He rolled his eyes briefly at Gus, then continued, “Did you have something you want me to sign?”

He listened very patiently to what she asked him to write and wrote it out carefully, making sure to spell her name properly. When he looked up, the older girl had produced a little camera, which she held up hopefully, despite still being at a loss for words.

“I’ll tell you what,” Adam said, taking the camera from her and handing it to a startled Gus. “The two of you come over here with me and this nice gentleman will take some pictures, okay?”

Obediently, Gus waited until they were all clustered together and took a handful of shots. When he handed the camera back to older sister, the girl whispered, “Thank you very much,” and then immediately shot back into the depths of the restaurant to where her mother was waiting.

The younger girl also thanked Adam very gravely and politely, then nodded at Gus and stalked away with great dignity. With difficulty, Gus managed to keep a straight face until they were outside, then he broke up laughing.

“All right. I have got to ask...what did she say to you?”

“She said,” Adam sighed. “That it was really nice to meet me but she was very sorry to have to tell me that Kris was still her favorite Idol.”

“That must be a blow to the ego,” Gus smiled.

“Heck, no. I get it all the time. Look at it this way...at least she knew that I _wasn’t_ Kris.”

“Yes, I get the point. There’s no need for sarcasm.” Hugging Adam’s arm against him, Gus leaned his head into Adam’s and said softly, “But that was very sweet what you did. You’re great with kids like that.”

“Kids like that I don’t mind,” Adam admitted. “The ones that drive me crazy are the women who scream at you for autographs when you get off the tour bus at three o’clock in the morning. Those ones I could strangle most of the time.”

“Where are we going?” Gus asked suddenly, having noticed that they weren’t walking towards the cabin.

“Wait and see.”

“Oh...this is the surprise part, is it?” Pulling at Adam’s arm, she wheedled, “Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“Will you just be patient? And you’ve got to promise not to laugh at me.”

“Why would I laugh at you?”

Adam shrugged and would say nothing further until they got around the far side of the main lodge, then he stopped and pointed.

“I figured you should at least get a chance to do _something_ on skis while you were here.”

Puzzled, Gus followed Adam’s hand, and his mouth dropped open. Parked at the bottom of the long sets of steps was a beautiful old fashioned horse-drawn sleigh, with a driver and two very pretty grey ponies.

He stared at it, then at Adam with eyes wide, and he said a bit defensively, “I told you that you might think it was silly...”

But Gus was already gone, leaving Adam standing with Jeremy at the top of the steps. He ran lightly down to where the sleigh was parked and went straight up to the horses, allowing herself to be thoroughly snuffled.

“You worry about the strangest things,” Jeremy said, shaking his head. “I told you he’d like it.” Thumping Adam on the shoulder, he added, “I don’t suppose you want my company on this trip?”

“I think I can take it from here,” Adam said with a smile. “You might as well go and enjoy yourself.  I’m sure you haven’t worked your way through all the ski bunnies yet.”

“It may take me awhile,” Jeremy said, deadpan. “But look, I’ve got my cell phone on me if you need me. Have fun.”


	19. Chapter 19

“They are _so_ sweet,” Gus said to Adam when Adam came to stand beside him and put his own hand out to scratch one of the ponies behind the ears. “They’re almost identical. Welsh Mountain?” he said to the driver.

The driver nodded and it was hard to tell whether he or Adam looked more surprised.

Gus’s shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I was a pony club brat. I had a horse myself up until...well, up until I couldn’t ride anymore.”

“Oh,” said Adam and began mentally kicking himself again.

Gus looked over his shoulder at Adam. “Don’t bother feeling bad. I think this is a great idea. Except, first,” Gus crooned sotto voice to the pony who kept burrowing his head into the crook of his arm. “ _You_ are going to have to stop nuzzling me.”

“I can’t say I blame him for that,” Adam said, also under his breath. “I’ve been having similar thoughts myself.”

Grateful for the darkness that disguised his furious blush, Gus elbowed Adam just hard enough to make him laugh, then let Adam help him up into the sleigh. He slid in close beside Gus on the seat and shook out the big blanket that was folded across the back of the bench, tucking it in around them both and finally pulling Gus in against him with his arm around Gus’ shoulders.

“I have no idea,” Gus said to him as the sleigh began to move. “Why you would have thought that I’d think this was silly.”

“I’ve occasionally been accused of being too hokey.”

“Not by me,” Gus said firmly. “The only thing I’ve accused you of is spoiling me rotten, and I still say you don’t need to try so hard to impress me. Believe me, I’m impressed.”

“Do you want to get out?” Adam asked, all innocence.

“No,” Gus said, and curled in closer against him. “I think I can stand to be impressed a little bit more.”

Following a wide path through the trees, the driver took the sleigh up into the forest and along the edge of the ridge that ran along the back of the resort, offering a beautiful view of the lights in the valley below. The scenery was breathtaking, but Gus spent a good part of the journey with his eyes closed and his head tucked down on Adam’s shoulder, finding himself so overwhelmed with feelings he hadn’t had for so long that he was content to just snuggle against Adam and enjoy the soothing movement of the ride.

“You’re not falling asleep on me, I hope,” Adam murmured to him, pressing a kiss on the top of his head.

“No,” Gus said softly “I’m just enjoying this.” Under the blanket Adam had folded over them, Gus unzipped Adam’s jacket so that he could slide his arms in around Adam.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Adam said, closing his own eyes. “I’m already having enough trouble keeping my hands to myself.” When Gus drew back a little, he added softly, “No…no. You don’t need to go anywhere. I’m just thinking about later, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about that too.” Gus went quiet for a moment, before he ventured, “I suppose I’m a little edgy about it. Does that sound stupid?”

Adam tightened his hold on him. “No...it doesn’t. I know what you mean.” After a pause, he added tentatively, “But...you’re not having second thoughts are you? I mean...you’re still okay with this?”

Gus nodded his head very definitely against his shoulder, making Adam laugh.

“Could you be a little more specific about which question you’re answering there?”

“Sorry,” Gus smiled. “I’m not having second thoughts. And I’m sorry if I’m giving you that impression. But what about you...are _you_ still okay with this?”

“Me?” Adam said, letting his breath out in a long sigh. “To be honest, as nice as this is...I’m getting a little anxious for it to be over.”

When it was over, the driver dropped them off at the base of the slope that led up to the cabins. Adam leapt out first and Gus stood up with some difficulty, having found that sitting in the cold in one position for so long had numbed his legs. At the edge of the sleigh he hesitated, surreptitiously stamping one foot to work out the pins and needles.

Since Adam was holding his arms up to him expectantly, Gus gritted his teeth, grasped Adam’s hands and jumped, but knew he’d misjudged the distance the moment he moved. Landing against Adam too hard, Gus knocked him off balance so that Adam stumbled back and ended up sprawling into the snow. Trying hard not to laugh, the driver leaned out to make sure that Adam was okay, then waved cheerfully and drove off.

Mortified, Gus helped Adam up. “I’m sorry about that,” he said, brushing snow out of Adam’s hair. “On cold days my co-ordination isn’t what it used to be.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Adam said, leaning over on the pretext of dusting off his knees, then scooping up a handful of snow and sticking it down Gus’ back, making him gasp, then shriek.

Adam made the mistake of waiting a fraction of a second too long before he beat a hasty retreat and hadn’t made it more than a few yards before Gus had nailed him between the shoulder blades with a snowball.

Tommy could have warned him Gus had good aim.

“Better watch out,” Gus threatened when Adam turned back in his direction. “I’m warning you...I’m armed. And I’m very good at this. No self-respecting Canadian kid makes it all the way through school without getting sent to the principal’s office at least once for throwing snowballs.”

“Well, your problem as I see it,” Adam replied casually, arming himself. “Is that I’m standing between you and the cabin. Which means you’re going to have to go around me to get there.”

“I’ve been in tougher spots,” Gus grimaced, unzipping his jacket and trying to shake the rest of the snow out from his sweater. “Damn, that’s cold.”

Taking advantage of the fact that he wasn’t looking, Adam fired a snowball right past Gus. Gus ducked, then made a feeble attempt to get around Adam by dodging off the path and going through the trees, but found he was more than slightly hampered by trying to limp uphill, on snow, while absolutely breathless with laughter. Adam overtook him easily, seizing him around the waist so they staggered in a drunken semi-circle before Gus caught one foot behind Adam’s and pushed backwards, knocking him flat a second time.

“Do you give up yet?” Gus inquired, panting and clutching a tree for support.

Adam didn’t answer, but extended one hand to be helped up. Stupidly, Gus reached out, whereupon Adam just pulled and planted him face-first beside him in the same snow bank.

“ _Now_ I give up,” he said.

Feeling his back twinge and grateful that the snow had at least cushioned his tumble, Gus turned over slowly and reminded himself that rough-housing in the snow was definitely on his list of things not to do. Taking a moment to gather himself, he gave Adam a reproachful look while pushing snow-filled hair back from his face.

“ _You_ started it,” Adam pointed out, scrambling to his feet and shaking snow everywhere.

“You could at least help me up,” Gus complained.

Adam wagged a finger at him. “Nice try. But I’m smarter than you. You can get up all by yourself.”

“No, actually,” Gus sighed. “I can’t.” When Adam looked skeptical, he added, “Seriously, Adam. I _can’t_.”

He looked away and seemed profoundly disturbed at the necessity of having to explain. Realizing he wasn’t joking, Adam hurriedly reached down to lift Gus gently to his feet.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “I guess sitting in the snow isn’t the best thing for you, is it?”

“Not really. Never mind.” Gus was beating snow off his sleeves with more effort than was necessary. “But unless you’re planning another snowball fight, can we go?”

Without a word, Adam slid one arm around his waist, and when his steps seemed a little unsteady Adam didn’t mention it, but just tightened his grip so Gus was able to lean on him.

They walked slowly up the path and by the time they reached the cabin, Gus was back to moving under his own steam and struggling to shake off the cloud that was threatening to fall over his mood.

“Are you okay? Adam asked soberly as he unlocked the door.

Gus nodded. “Just cold. How’d you like to make like a Boy Scout and light a fire?”

Grateful for something to do, Adam went straight to the fireplace, although the whole concept of doing the Boy Scout thing had been somewhat circumvented by the fact that the fire was already laid and only needed to touched with a match. Shrugging off his jacket, Gus came to watch and sat down on the blanket box that served as a coffee table.

“Good start,” he commented, when Adam lit the first match and it promptly went out.

Looking at Gus over his shoulder, Adam was relieved to see the hint of a smile tugging at his mouth. Fighting his own smile, he said, “Haven’t you ever heard of the three match rule?”

“I have. It’s what our guide used to call the “Boy-Scout-Cop-Out” rule. Don’t worry; there’s another pack of matches on the mantle if you get desperate.”

Biting his tongue, Adam managed to get the fire going with a limited number of additional matches, trying to ignore the loud counting that was going on behind him.

“Now,” he sighed, standing up and pointing over Gus’ shoulder at the candles that were on the end tables and bedside tables. “Am I going to get in trouble if I light those?”

Gus glanced behind him and tried to sound casual. “Got enough matches left?”

Adam raised his eyebrows. “Maybe,” he replied flippantly as he went past. “But if I run out I suppose I can always rub two police officers together.”

With a smile, Gus turned back and sat with his hands on his knees and waited, watching the fire flare up in the grate and noting the way his heart lurched when Adam shut the lamps off and began lighting candles one by one.

“Are you warmer?”

Gus started, then when Adam sat down at his side, he leaned in against Adam’s arm and nodded. “I am. Thanks.” Touching Adam’s hand, he whispered, “And thanks for the sleigh ride. It was very cool. Absolutely, definitely, so _not_ hokey”.

“Good,” Adam whispered back. It occurred to Gus suddenly that Adam looked just as nervous as he was and the realization made him giggle.

Adam raised his eyebrows. “What’s so funny?”

“I’m trying to remember what the hell comes next,” Gus said honestly. “And feeling so completely adolescent that I figure there’s got to be some humor in there somewhere.”

He smiled at Adam ruefully and noticed how one side of Adam’s face was lit by the light from the fire. He looked so incredible that, without stopping to think, Gus put both arms up around Adam’s neck and kissed him, catching him by surprise and making him shiver.

“There isn’t anything the least bit adolescent about that,” Adam said softly. “But I think you’re right about one thing...that _is_ what comes next.”

Taking a deep breath, he slid his arms around Gus and pulled him closer, just touching the corner of Gus’ mouth with his at first, and then tilting his head to kiss Gus more thoroughly. A rush went through Gus, setting off little explosions all over and making it perfectly clear that his body understood exactly what it was that they were starting between them.

After several long, slow kisses, Adam’s hands went lightly down Gus’ sides to his knees, feeling where the snow had soaked through his sweater and his slacks, then he drew back, just far enough that Gus could see his eyes.

“You should get out of those wet clothes,” he said, so softly and haltingly that it took a second for his words to sink in.

Gus didn’t say anything, but his gaze slid over Adam then he closed his eyes, knowing all that he had to do was ask and Adam would do it for him. He was conscious of wanting something so desperately that he couldn’t even identify it, no matter how badly it both frightened and excited him. Nodding once, he tipped his head up to kiss Adam again and found it almost impossible to break away.

“I’ll go and change,” he whispered against Adam’s mouth. “Will you wait for me?”

Adam nodded back, eyes closed, hands brushing Gus’ face before he let him go. When he opened his eyes again, Gus had disappeared.  
Having spent a good part of the previous weeks with his imagination on overload, Adam was more than a little impatient to see what Gus would do when faced with their first serious intimacy. Having observed how easily Gus’ mood swung between complete self-confidence and utter self-consciousness, he couldn’t help wondering what Gus’ approach would be, and more precisely, how he would handle it.

He sat on the blanket box in front of the fire, chin in his hands, watching the flames in much the same way as Gus had a short time before. He was beginning to wonder if Gus’ long absence was an indication that he was having second thoughts when a change in the way the shadows were flickering against the wall indicated that Gus had crept silently out of the bathroom and stolen up behind him.

Adam jumped. Gus jumped.

“Don’t _do_ that,” Adam said through clenched teeth.

Gus pressed a hand against his heart. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to scare you. You just looked like you were thinking about something.”

“ _Thinking_ about something?” Adam repeated in amazement.

Gus opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. Words also appeared to have failed Adam, and his eyes had gone just as wide as hers so that they were both left silent and staring.

Adam had changed into loose white drawstring pants and matching cotton shirt that he’d left unbuttoned. It flattered his dark hair and muscular body and Gus experienced a sudden flood of physical awareness in a whole variety of places, accompanied by a shortness of breath and intense light-headedness.

In all of his imaginings, Adam had covered a lot of ground with respect to what a beautiful young man might choose to wear for this type of occasion and it had ranged widely from something very demure and understated to something frankly provocative. He tried to keep the perplexed look of his face, but he had to admit to himself that this particular selection of attire had never occurred to him.

With all his senses tuned so high, Gus immediately noticed Adam’s puzzlement and dropped his gaze. He had his reasons and he was going to have to deal with them much sooner than later, but despite how much Michelle had badgered him about being honest with Adam, the fact was he was still trying to stall for as much time as he could possibly get.

He was wearing cream silk boxer shorts that showed off the length of his legs and a pale form-fitting top that bared his shoulders and arms but then covered the rest of his torso completely, right down over his hips. Although it was tight enough that it didn’t leave much of anything to the imagination, he still looked more like a school boy than a man who was interested in serious seduction.

Taken aback, but aware that he was going to get himself in trouble if he didn’t say anything, Adam floundered around and finally ended up saying entirely the wrong thing.

“What took you so long?”

Gus lifted both his head and his eyebrows. “I was drying my hair,” he said defensively. “Since it was soaking wet from being pushed in the snow.”

Adam had noticed that. Gus’ hair had been brushed and shone.

“I mean...” he said lamely. “You were just gone for so long...I thought maybe you were second-guessing yourself...”

It made Gus even more defensive to realize that his tension was so blatantly obvious. “Will you stop saying that? I’m _not_...okay? Maybe I just wanted to look nice for you; did that ever cross your mind?”

“Whoa, whoa,” Adam protested, holding up both hands. “Come on, Gus...I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Gus blinked rapidly and rubbed his fingers between his brows. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little edgy.”

In an effort to lessen his anxiety, Adam tried teasing Gus very, very gently, “Good. For an awful minute there I thought you were going to tell me you had a headache.”

Gus’ mouth twitched briefly. “My excuses are better than that.”

That was a sobering thought. “Would you feel better if you had one?”

Gus shook his head.

“Are you sure? Sorry...sorry, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” With a sigh, Adam locked his hands behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. “You just don’t seem _sure_ about this, that’s all.”

“It has nothing to do with not being sure about _you_ ,” Gus murmured.

“Then will you come over here and talk to me please?”

When Gus got within reach, Adam put out one hand and curved it gently around his upper arm. Gus closed his eyes at Adam’s touch, hesitating only a fraction of a second before he stepped in close and just stood there with his head on Adam’s shoulder and his arms at his sides, not moving and barely breathing.

Aware Gus was gradually crossing little bridges in his mind, Adam stood absolutely still and let Gus take his time, although he was practically shaking with the effort of not reaching out to hold Gus.

After a few moments Gus said unexpectedly, “You’re so warm,” and laid his hand against Adam’s chest at the base of his throat. “You’re sweating.”

“That would be because of the nice fire I made,” Adam said with a convulsive swallow.

Gus lifted his gaze and when their eyes met, there was an obvious transformation between them. Adam’s face was so close and he was watching Gus with such tender concern that Gus was suddenly unable to recall any of the reasons why he was feeling so nervous.

“No, I don’t think that’s it,” he murmured and then added in a desperate, unsteady voice, “You’re going to have to help me out here....I’m back to trying to remember what the hell comes next.”

Adam bumped his head gently against Gus’. “Kissing me worked pretty well last time.”

He didn’t miss the way Gus’ gaze lowered to his mouth, and when Gus licked his lips involuntarily, Adam’s closed his eyes and bumped his head against him a second time.

“Go on,” he whispered. “Kiss me.”

He felt Gus’ mouth brush briefly against his and then return a second later, lingering this time and then moving slowly and filling him with powerful cravings that he couldn’t resist. Even so, he managed to hold still until Gus’ own feelings moved him almost unconsciously towards him, and only when he felt the whole length of Gus’ body against him did he start to slide his arms around Gus.

He suddenly had a flashback to the late night in the studio when Gus had unintentionally enticed him and he had wanted Gus so badly. There had been so many other times when the simple scent or touch of Gus had aroused him so much that he’d had to pull away; now it seemed too unreal and incredible to think that Gus was offering himself to him without reservation.

He backed up as far as the sofa and sat down on the arm of it, drawing Gus forward until he was standing between his knees. Gus was trembling slightly and when Adam pulled him close enough that he could kiss him again, he sensed just the faintest hesitation that slowly dissolved into a warm and intimate eagerness. He felt Gus’ fingers touching his throat and moving down over his chest and in response he circled his arms more tightly around Gus’ waist and curved his hands underneath the hem of his shirt at the back.

Gus didn’t exactly pull away, but he flinched hard enough that Adam immediately let go and opened his eyes to look up at him. Gus’ head dropped down beside his so Adam couldn’t see his face, but his body had tensed and the fingers that had been touching Adam so gently now tightened convulsively on his shoulders.

“You _are_ having second thoughts, aren’t you?” he murmured and when Gus was unable to reply, Adam leaned back, trying to see his expression. Careful to mask his disappointment, he said gently, “It’s all right, Gus. I understand if this is going too fast for you.”

“It’s not that,” Gus muttered. “It’s not.”

“Then what is it?”

Gus let his breath out in a long sigh.

“Look at me,” Adam whispered. “And tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s my back,” Gus said, suddenly, miserably. “My back is really badly scarred from the accident.” He could tell Adam was about to make a light remark in response and said with more urgency, “I’m serious. It’s awful.” He closed his eyes and had to bite his lip, and when he spoke again, Adam could hardly hear him. “I thought I’d be all right with it by now, but I can’t help being afraid...of what you’re going to think. I just don’t want anything to spoil this...I don’t want anything to turn you off.”

“You’re worrying about the wrong thing there,” Adam said wryly, but it was clear Gus was not in the mood for flippant reassurance. His head came up and Adam was startled to see that he was nearly in tears.

“I’ve never let anyone see them before.”

It suddenly made sense...the way he never wore anything too revealing and the way he had suddenly changed from being very seductive to being so withdrawn and shy. Adam took a moment to think about that while Gus struggled with his emotions and then he put one finger carefully against Gus’ lips to stop them trembling and drew him back towards himself so that their foreheads were touching.

“Will you let _me_ see them?” Adam asked huskily. “It’s all right if you aren’t ready to. But you can show me if you want...it’s okay.”

Gus didn’t trust himself to answer, but after a moment Adam felt the barely perceptible nod of his head.

Adam’s hands went very carefully to Gus’ waist and with the very lightest pressure, he turned Gus in a half circle so that Gus was facing away from him. Gus’ entire body was one giant knot of anxiety but he didn’t move, only catching his breath when Adam slowly slid the back of his shirt up until it was folded over his shoulders.

Gus heard Adam’s sharply indrawn breath and dropped his head wretchedly, knowing only too well what Adam was seeing.

Adam had assumed that Gus’ self-consciousness stemmed from some kind of overactive sense of vanity, but as he stared, he realized that not only had Gus _not_ been exaggerating about things, he couldn’t possibly have made Adam understand how bad it actually was.

Aside from the semi-symmetrical pattern of surgical markings that ran up his backbone on both sides and curved around under the edge of his ribcage on the left, the entire surface of his back, from the shoulder blades down to the top of his boxer shorts, was disfigured with a mass of vicious looking scars. Some were unmistakably the deep puncture wounds where sharp pieces of metal had been driven straight into his back. But even worse were the sections where something more jagged had apparently gouged tracks through the tender flesh, leaving deep indentations that were bordered with ridges of angry looking skin.

It was a gruesome reminder of the violence of the accident he’d been in, and all Adam could think of was what an incredible amount of pain Gus must have suffered.

“Oh, Gus,” he said softly.

Gus folded his arms tightly at his waist and had to suppress a sob, mistaking Adam’s whisper for pity or revulsion, or possibly both.  He fought the urge to pull away and snatch the shirt back down to cover himself and instead just stood silently with his eyes clenched shut, waiting for Adam to speak.

The initial touch was so light that he thought at first that he had imagined it. The second was unmistakable …the soft tickle of Adam’s hair brushing against his back, followed immediately by the heat of his mouth against his skin.

Adam’s hands moved down to Gus’ hips to steady him. As he stood frozen, unable to move, Adam gently touched his mouth to one of the crests of torn skin and slowly moved it along the length of the scar, caressing the outline of it with his tongue and lingering on each curve and indentation. When he reached the end of one scar, he simply traced the kiss along until he reached the next, moving deliberately across the entire surface of Gus’ back while his fingers clutched at Adam’s hands and he gasped for breath.

“Am I hurting you?” Adam whispered against one particularly delicate spot.

Gus tilted his head back and Adam felt his spine straighten reflexively in the first hint that tension was slowly being replaced by pleasure. “No,” Gus said in a low, agonized voice. The feeling of Adam’s mouth against the incredibly sensitive sections of healed skin was so profoundly seductive that his insides had started to turn to flame. The moment that he had been dreading for so long was rapidly turning into the most erotic experience of his life.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Gus couldn’t answer but his hands tightened on Adam’s and in response, Adam’s moved slowly around Gus’ waist underneath the edge of his shirt at the front, smoothing over his abdomen and stroking upwards.

When Gus couldn’t stand it any longer, he turned abruptly in Adam’s arms with a groan and caught his hands in the opening of his shirt, pushing it down over his shoulders and briefly trapping him in the sleeves. He touched Adam’s bare arms, unable to stop himself from running his hands up and down them in admiration, and then bent his head down to Adam’s and placed a deep, open kiss on his anxious mouth. Overcome by longing at this unexpected reaction, Adam heard Gus’ restless, impatient breathing and felt his hands moving over him and marveled at how he had gone from being so hesitant and self-conscious one moment to being so wildly aroused the next.

“I don’t understand how you do that to me,” Gus said hoarsely, reading his mind. “I don’t understand how you take something that has hurt me so much and make it feel so good...”

With one gentle tug at Gus’ waist, Adam pulled him down onto his knee so that they were exactly face to face. Gus’ eyes were misty and intense, lingering on his mouth between long, hot kisses until Adam had to tangle his hands in Gus’ hair to hold him still long enough that he could catch his breath.

“You look so beautiful like that,” he murmured. “All tousled and warm and so turned on.”

“I _want_ to be beautiful for you,” Gus said in an odd, urgent voice. “I _want_ to know how much you turn me on.”

“Then tell me...” Adam whispered, unable to take his eyes off Gus’ face. “Tell me what else...tell me what else you want...”

One sensation was starting to blend into the next, leaving Gus dizzy and shaken. He couldn’t stop touching Adam, making him gasp with increasing pleasure with each movement. Feeling the last of her inhibitions sliding away, Gus shifted closer, hooking one leg over Adam’s knees until he was straddling Adam’s lap and groaning when Adam slid his hands to his hips and pulled him hard against him.

“Tell me...” Adam said again.

“Don’t you know?” Gus whispered, brushing trembling hands against Adam’s face.

“I want to hear you say it.”

Adam could feel the way Gus quivered against him and knew that now there was no hint of nervousness, just simple, barely controlled desire. More than anything he was exhilarated by the realization that Gus couldn’t disguise how much she wanted him, even as he struggled to verbalize it.

“I want...” Gus faltered, and then everything overwhelmed him and he began kissing Adam again in between trembling, almost unintelligible words. “I want...I just want you to love me...please... _please_... I...I just want you to love me...”

Sudden emotion choked Adam and it was all he could do just to hold Gus while he tried to control the tenderness that was welling up inside him,

“I do, Gus,” he whispered, so softly that it tore at Gus’ heart. “Fuck I do.”


	20. Chapter 20

Neither of them could recall later which of them stood up first and began drawing the other towards the bed. Adam contended that it was Gus; Gus insisted that Adam was the one who had pulled _him_ so anxiously that clothing was scattered all around the room as a result. But no matter how the experience dissolved into a blur of heat and intensity, it was punctuated by indelible images that stayed with them both.

Gus remembered cold sheets and hard, heated skin and a provocative strength that was tempered with gentleness and incredible control. He remembered persuasion that was so powerful that it completely overrode any last, lingering timidity he felt, and shocked him with a reminder of how long he’d ignored the depths of his own sensuality. He remembered Adam murmuring his love for him so close against his mouth that he actually felt the breath and vibration of the words and had to fight back the tears that it brought to his eyes.

Adam remembered how incredibly trusting Gus was, and how Gus’ gaze never wavered from his. He remembered having to catch Gus’ hands and hold them to try and slow him down; Gus was so desperate and aching for him. He remembered how Gus gasped his name at the first touch of Adam inside him, curving himself up against him, and trying to bring Adam even closer.

Adam dropped his head down beside Gus’ and closed his eyes, struggling to contain himself and measure his own response, despite the way his body rebelled at any suggestion of patience or restraint. He kissed Gus’ throat and tried to soothe him with ragged whispers.

“Easy... _easy_. It’s better if you go slow.”

Gus tilted his head back, unable to believe how much he was capable of craving physical contact again and trying to calm the swell of pleasure within him, even though Adam’s words only heightened his arousal.

He begged Adam not to tease him, the tremor in his voice betraying his frustration, and ground his teeth at the way Adam laughed low in his throat and reminded Gus how he had promised one day to show him what it meant to be teased by him.

“Not now,” Gus said desperately.

“Yes...now,” Adam whispered. “I know you like it.”

“Yes, but....” Gus had to stop until he could breathe again. “I can’t stand this _now_...I’ve already waited so long for this...”

Adam was whispering against his skin, tasting perspiration and leaving trails of goose-bumps as his mouth moved over Gus. “ _You_ ’ve waited...? Don’t you know what you do to me...don’t you know how many times I’ve wanted you like this?”

With his hands held, Gus could only shiver with each particularly pleasurable touch, and then began gasping at Adam not to stop when he paused long enough to lift his head to look at him.

“Do you want more?”

Gus nodded, his eyes closed and his fingers digging tightly into Adam’s palms.

“Stay...still.”

Rebelliously, he pulled against Adam’s grip.

“Easy...” Adam whispered again. “Just let me make you feel good.”

“Then let go of my hands,” he said pleadingly. “So I can touch you too...”

Adam’s voice was starting to break. “Only...only if you promise to go slow...please. Don’t rush...I don’t want this to be over.”

Gus tried, and gradually lost himself in the slow, hypnotic rhythm. His body was recalling sensations it had completely forgotten and as his sexuality reawakened, he began responding with movement and an eroticism that provoked reactions in Adam he wasn’t ready for and couldn’t handle. Gus heard the way Adam’s breath caught in surprise and felt a surge of triumph at this new, unexpected power he had over Adam.

Opening his eyes, he looked up at Adam and smiled, reveling in the sense of taking control. Adam’s own eyes had gone very dark and he was suddenly both intrigued and tormented. Pulling his head down to Gus’, Gus ran his tongue across Adam’s lower lip in an unbelievably provocative way.

“You see?” he whispered. “You’re not the only one who knows how to tease.”

This progressed into a challenge between them, with one trying to out-tantalize the other and driving them both into a frenzy.

“Gus...” Adam said in agony.

Gus whimpered and his breathing became uneven and loud. “It’s your own fault...you do this to me...”

All pretense at patience was gone. Gus felt a swell of urgency in Adam as Adam slid his hands underneath him and then everything spun out of control. He didn’t expect the intensity to frighten him, but it did, making him shake and cry out. Adam pressed his mouth into the hollow of Gus’ shoulder and murmured soft reassurances until he calmed and Adam felt how he turned his face towards his to kiss his temple.

“You’re so incredible,” Gus whispered. “I can’t believe the way you make me feel.”

“Uh huh,” he said, muffled and weak.

Gus ran his hand up Adam’s back and threaded his fingers through Adam’s damp, tangled hair, laughing softly. “Adam... are you still with me?”

“Uh huh,” he said again.

Gus laughed again, not with amusement, but with a sense of joy and freedom that had been missing for so long he barely recognized it.

“Gus?” he said faintly. “Baby? I love you to bits, but please...you don’t laugh at a time like this.”

“I’m not laughing at you, you twit,” he said fondly, and tightened both arms around Adam’s neck so that he had even more trouble breathing.

“Oh, good.”

When Adam managed to regain his equilibrium, he remarked, “For someone who kept telling me he couldn’t remember what came next, you didn’t seem to have any trouble improvising.”

The air on sweat-soaked skin was chilling them both. Burrowing under quilts, they snuggled together.

“I guess all I needed was a little inspiration,” Gus said, sighing as warmth seeped back into him.

“Boy, when you get inspired, you really get inspired, don’t you? Oh, don’t bother getting all shy on me. I like you inspired.”

“Stick around,” Gus murmured, blushing. “Inspiration might strike me again.”

“Must be all that ambiance,” Adam said.

“The ambiance was very nice,” Gus admitted. “Although, there was one thing missing.”

“And what was that? Er...marshmallows?”

“No. We forgot to the put stereo on. It would have been nice to have had some music.”

“ _You_ didn’t hear music?” Adam said humbly. “ _ **I**_ heard music.”

Gus raised himself up on one elbow and looked at Adam. After a moment, he rolled his eyes and threw the covers up over Adam’s head.

“Oh, my God...” he said with a sigh. “Now _that_ ’s hokey.”

 

* * * *

“I hope you’re not still worrying about those scars,” Adam said, much later.

Gus blinked awake. He almost dozed off, curled on his side against Adam with his legs tangled with Adam’s. “No,” he said sleepily, then raised his head off Adam’s shoulder. “But you know, I always thought that kissing something to make it better was something that you did for little kids who cut their finger or skinned their knee. I didn’t know it worked for adults.”

He tucked his head back down. “And,” he murmured against Adam’s throat. “I didn’t think that anybody could ever make it _not_ matter.”

Adam tightened his arms around Gus. “Well, for the record,” he said very softly. “I think you have an amazing body. Very sexy.”

“Mmm,” Gus said. “I seem to remember telling you the same thing the first time I met you.”

Adam seemed startled by this. “You did?”

“I did. It was when I was giving you hell for going out without a bodyguard. I seem to remember telling you that you had a very nice body and I didn’t want to see anything happen to it.” He felt Adam’s low laughter. “But I think I was just trying to let you know that I’d noticed you.”

He slid his hand up from Adam’s ribs to the middle of his chest and felt Adam’s heartbeat quicken beneath his fingers. Languid sleepiness was rapidly being replaced by a whole other series of sensations. Adam only had to draw him up slightly until he was leaning over Adam, then he slid his hands along Gus’ backbone to the base of his spine and pulled Gus down against him, because he couldn’t find any more words, and all that seemed important was to show Gus, and to keep showing Gus until he was sure Gus understood what he felt.

In the morning, Gus talked him into going snowboarding with Jeremy. He was reluctant to leave Gus, but as they smiled warmly at each other over breakfast, Adam teased Gus gently about his slow movements and the dark circles under his eyes.

“Lack of sleep will do that to a person,” Gus pointed out over Adam’s arguments. “So you go ahead and let me get some rest.”

Adam left not a minute too soon. It took Gus five long minutes to get up from the table, and there was no longer any way to disguise the fact that he was in a great deal of pain.

As soon as he was able to pull himself to a standing position, he limped into the bathroom and lay down on the hard, heated ceramic tile, the only thing that seemed to offer him any relief. The night before had been such a rush of one new sensation after another that he hadn’t even thought to be careful about his back. Now he was gripped by severe spasms, enough to frighten him into wondering if he’d done some permanent damage. But trying to calm himself, he reasoned that it was only the combination of the flight, the long day, rolling in the snow and hours of being wrapped up in bed with someone.

It suddenly occurred to him that he was at a resort, after all. Dressing with difficulty, he made his way to the spa, and after a long massage, several sessions in a whirlpool and a couple of his milder painkillers, he began to feel halfway human again.

He beat Adam back to the cabin by only a few minutes. But when Adam came in, looking flushed and windblown from the slopes, Gus had no time to warn him before Adam had come up behind him and hugged him so hard that he made Gus’ ribs crack and he couldn’t stop himself from crying out.

At that point, he had no choice but to tell Adam.

“Is that because of me?” Adam said, horrified.

“No,” Gus said impatiently. “It’s because some guy shot out the front tire of my car.” Adam looked so concerned that Gus grabbed hold of his hands and tugged them hard until he could look Adam in the eye. “Please listen. This is just the way things are for me. I live with it all the time...it’s just that some times are worse than others. If you think that I regret being with you because my back hurts, you’re way off. The rest of me feels wonderful.”

“I’m still sorry,” he murmured. “I never even thought.”

“Well,” Gus said. “You had other things on your mind.”

Adam blinked at him and then smiled. “True. Can I do anything to help?”

In fact, once he knew, he did go a long way towards making Gus more comfortable. Instead of taking him out for dinner, Adam brought dinner in, and they sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, where Gus could easily lie down or stretch if his back began to spasm. Adam also proved very handy at back massages, although he did admit that it was very difficult to concentrate.

“Your mind is wandering again,” Gus teased him.

“Are you complaining?”

“I’m not complaining,” Gus said softly, and was deeply touched at how hard Adam tried to overcome his fear of hurting him.  
After indulging in a hot bath late in the evening, Gus came out of the bathroom and found that Adam had fallen asleep on the sofa in front of the fire.  As he sat down gingerly on the edge, Adam woke and rubbed his eyes with a drowsy smile.

“I really like that shirt,” he murmured.

“You should. It’s yours.”

“I know that. And I liked it when I bought it. Now I _really_ like it.”

“It’s a bit short,” Gus admitted.

Adam dropped his gaze to where the shirt ended and legs began and tilted his head to one side. Sliding one hand under the bottom hem and tugging gently, he said, “I think that’s a matter of perspective, actually.”

“Yes, well...” Gus picked Adam’s hand up off his leg. “If we can focus for a minute please...I have something I want to talk to you about.”

Adam’s brows rose. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine. But I sort of promised Michelle that I’d tell you about this, and I’d rather do it tonight and get it over with.”

Now more than a little worried, Adam sat up, making room for Gus to slide over next to him.

“Go ahead.”

Gus gave him a twisted smile. “You can stop looking like that. It’s nothing serious. I only wanted to let you know that in just over a month the Attorney General’s office is going to start the trial for the guy who shot at my cruiser.”

He paused for a moment, watching the implication sink in.

“Oh,” Adam said. “That’s not going to be very easy for you, is it?”

“No. No, it’s not. It’s not going to be very easy for Michelle either. And I’m not telling you this because I want you worrying about it. But I did promise her I would tell you.” Half-embarrassed, he added, “I...I wanted you to know.”

Reaching over, Adam squeezed Gus’ hand. “Will you have to testify?”

Gus chewed his lip. “Being the only witness, I don’t have a whole lot of choice.”

Adam didn’t look any happier about that concept than he did. “How long is that going to take?”

“What, me testifying? A couple of days, maybe more. The whole trial shouldn’t be more than about two weeks, as long as the defense doesn’t try to get bloody-minded about it.”

“How likely is that?”

Gus shrugged. “Hard to say. The suspect admits to being in the car, but he’s always denied being the shooter. So it’s my word against his, more than a year after the incident...if I was the defense attorney, I’d be making the most of that. More than likely they’re going to try to discredit my identification.”

“But actually,” he added after a pause. “That’s not going to be the hard part. The hard part is that to prove murder, they’re going to have to prove that the shot actually caused the accident, otherwise there’s no correlation between the shooting and Nick’s death. That means a whole string of forensic scientists picking apart the crash...that’s what bothers me most about it.”

Adam rubbed his fingers along Gus’ wrist, frowning. Since Gus could almost see the wheels turning in his head, he quickly rushed on with reassurance.

“Before you get all wound up, you can relax. I happen to know the prosecutor on this case really well. He clerked for my father for several years, and he and my Dad got very close. I think Dad would have offered Jack a junior partnership, except Jack wanted to do criminal law and Dad only did corporate. But he’s been like honorary uncle all my life and I trust him one hundred percent. He’ll have my back.”

“Still...” Adam said softly. “It must be hard to have to face this again, after so long.”

Gus nodded, momentarily displaying some distress. “It should have all been over by now. But it was six weeks before the arrest, and the provincial court has been really backed up. It’s been hardest on the Department, waiting so long for a conviction when they lose a friend. And in the past month, there have been two cases of bad accidents during police chases in Toronto...and there’s always public backlash after something like that. When the trial gets going, it will do a lot for the department’s morale and for public opinion.”

Adam crossed his arms. “So what you’re telling me,” he said a bit grimly. “Is that they are going to trot you out again and make the most of the sympathy vote, right?”

“That’s the wrong way to look at it.”

“Is it?”

Gus dropped his head and Adam let it go, reminding himself that the important thing was that Gus had confided in him. Noting how much Gus had tensed up over simply trying to talk about it, Adam decided that now was not the time to be pushing him for any more information.

He put his hand up and gently rubbed Gus’ back “Thanks for telling me. It means a lot to know that you trust me like that.”

“Of course I do,” Gus said indignantly.

“You _are_ getting better,” Adam agreed, and laughed at Gus’ scowl.

“Can we change the subject?”

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?”

Gus batted his eyes at Adam. “Who says I want to talk?”

He shifted a little closer to Adam, oblivious to the way the tail of the shirt travelled up as he moved. Adam’s gaze dropped and his eyes widened.

“Did I mention that I liked that shirt?” he asked a bit weakly.

“You did. Did I mention that it’s got seven buttons?”

“Oh...” Adam said, and smiled. “We’re back to that again, are we?”

“Ah, yes...but this is better. We don’t have to do this over the phone this time.”

“Thank God for that,” Adam sighed. “Okay, then. I just have one question.”

“Which is...?”

“Do I work from the top down or the bottom up?”

Gus bent over until his lips grazed Adam’s cheek and moved along to his ear. “I don’t give a damn, as long as you hurry up about it.”

He felt Adam’s hands come up to grasp his shoulders and in between kisses Adam murmured, “Can I ask you something?”

“No,” he said, very definitely.“Because you said you just had one question and that makes two. You’re already over your limit.”

“That’s a pretty stingy limit.”

“It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’m kind of _busy_ at the moment. And I must be doing a pretty bad job of it....ouch.” Wincing, he had to sit back. “Oh, all right; I can’t lean over like this very long anyway. What’s the question?”

Adam raised his eyebrows at him, then motioned for Gus to turn around. When he began rubbing Gus’ back gently, Gus flexed his shoulders and closed his eyes with a groan.

“You purr like a kitten when I do this,” Adam observed.

“Shut up,” he said amiably. “And just ask me the damn question.”

Adam leaned forward so his head was close to Gus’ ear “I was just wondering,” he said, with what sounded like the faintest trace of embarrassment. “When you first knew about me.”

Puzzled, he half-glanced over his shoulder. “ _Knew_ about you?”

“Yeah. You know...when you first started feeling this way about us...I mean, me.”

At that Gus turned around completely and when he saw the expression on Adam’s face, he started to laugh.

“Now why is that funny?” Adam complained.

Unable to control his smile, Gus reached over and hooked his hands behind Adam’s head. “It’s not funny...it’s just very sweet. You want to know when I fell in love.”

“Maybe,” Adam said, only slightly mollified.

Gus chewed his lip thoughtfully. “If I tell _you_ , will you tell _me_?”

“Maybe,” Adam said again, but he was starting to smile.

“Okay, give me a second.”  Gus eased himself back against the cushions and screwed up his face in contemplation. “I need to think about this.”

Adam seemed a little dismayed. “You mean you don’t know?”

Gus gave him a playful push. “It’s not that easy. I didn’t just wake up one morning and go ‘yahoo’, you know. It kind of snuck up on me.”

“Maybe you can just narrow it down a little then,” Adam said dryly.

Casting him a sideways glance, Gus said, “Well...if I had to pick a time...I’d have to say...it was when I went home. _After_ I went home, I mean. Except it had already happened by then, so I really can’t say it was _after_...”

“You’re losing me,” Adam protested, shaking his head.

Gus sighed. “I can’t explain it. All I can tell you is that, when I got home, Michelle wouldn’t stop asking me about how I felt about you, and then she got mad because I was being wishy-washy about it and told me I should make up my mind and that’s when I realized that I already had.”

“I really do have to meet this woman someday,” Adam said, impressed.

Annoyed, Gus felt himself starting to blush. “I’m sure you will. But anyway, that’s as specific as I can get. Like I said...it sort of took over when I wasn’t looking. And you can’t stop smiling at me like that because now it’s your turn. So start talking.”

Adam leaned forward and his arms went around Gus’ shoulders, pulling Gus in close to him.

“Don’t even think about it,” Gus warned, gasping slightly from the way the kiss burned. “ _You_ started this, remember, and I’m not letting you off the hook.”

Adam grinned and shrugged. “I just wanted to show you that I really liked your answer, that’s all.”

“Well, that’s nice,” Gus murmured and breathed deeply at the feel of Adam’s hands moving downwards and pulling teasingly at the buttons on the shirt. “And if you’d just give me _your_ answer, we could get this discussion over with...”

Adam sighed. “Okay. To be honest, I’m a lot like you...it kind of snuck up on me...”

“Oh, forget it,” Gus interrupted. “ _That_ answer’s already taken.”

“I’m not finished...keep your shirt on.”

“It’s _your_ shirt,” Gus replied in amusement. “And until you answer the question, you can bet on it.”

Adam narrowed his eyes at Gus. “As I was saying...things sort of snuck up on me...but if you want to know what really stands out...well, I guess... I’d have to say the day at the beach.”

“Really?” Gus said, open-mouthed.

“Really.”

“Wow.” Gus went delightfully coy. “Why then?”

“Why?” Adam echoed. “Er...I don’t know why...exactly. Something just happened to me that day, that’s all. It was the first time that you really let your guard down around me ...the first time I really got to see what you were like. It just had a major effect on me.”

“I remember that day too,” Gus murmured, but he was undeniably touched and pleased. “I thought it was pretty special at the time, but I think it just got more special.”

Adam gently put one finger in the opening of the shirt at the base of Gus’ throat and ran it down until he hit buttons. Noting Gus’ reaction, he said softly, “I love the way your eyes go all soft and sleepy when I do that.”

Invisibly drawn towards him, Gus tilted his face up and they settled into a long series of slow, deep, deliberate kisses. For the longest time, they just sat together sharing taste and touch until Gus began to sense Adam’s carefully concealed hesitancy and frustration.

“You don’t have to worry about hurting me,” he whispered. “I’m fine, really. I don’t want you to hold back.”

“Right. And this morning you could barely walk.” Adam squeezed Gus’ shoulders gently. “You let me decide what to worry about. I’m happy just like this.”

“Well, I’m not,” Gus said huskily, taking one of Adam’s hands and drawing it back to the front of his shirt. “Either _you_ do it...or _I_ do it.” He glanced up at Adam from beneath lowered eyelids, pressing Adam’s fingers against him. “And I’d much rather _you_ did it.”

When Adam hesitated again, he coaxed, “Come on,” and then let his breath out in a long sigh as Adam almost hypnotically began loosening buttons. But after two, he gave himself a mental shake and abruptly did them back up again.

Gus sighed. “In case you’re having trouble with the concept, I can tell you that there’s usually a longer interval between taking the shirt off and putting it back on again...”

“What I’m having trouble with,” Adam said, trying to sound as severe as possible. “Is what happens to you when you overdo it. I’ve seen you when you’re in all that pain...and no offence, but you lie like a rug about it...and I’m not taking the chance that I’m going to make it any worse than it already is.”

“Adam, trust me; you’re not going to...oh, never mind; I can see you’re not listening. Fine...I’ll stop talking.”

Adam should have known Gus wouldn’t take no for an answer but he didn’t expect Gus to be quite so proactive about it. He simply raised himself up onto his knees and then shifted all his weight forward until Adam had no choice but to catch him and lean back, and ended up pressed against the pile of cushions with Gus stretched out over him.

Although there was a lot to be said for being pinned down on a sofa in a mountain cabin in front of a fireplace by a man with carnal intent who was wearing nothing but a shirt, Adam wasn’t being given much of an opportunity to speak. He caught Gus’ arms and tried to hold him back and Gus stopped kissing him just long enough to give him a wicked grin.

“Now there’s a dilemma,” Gus said mockingly. “If you’re so worried about hurting me, you can hardly go wrestling me off onto the floor, now can you?”

“I know what you’ve got in mind,” Adam muttered. “And I’m not going to co-operate.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, really. So you can cut that out. And _that_ too, dammit.”

Gus lowered his head back down and Adam was suddenly eliminated from the conversation. Adam tried his best to not to react, but Gus knew he was weakening when Adam’s hands stopped pushing half-heartedly at his shoulders and wandered down over his back, coming to an abrupt halt when they reached the bottom of a shirt that had ridden up a considerable amount since Adam last checked on it.

“Sorry, did you say something?” Gus murmured when he heard Adam’s very low groan.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Adam said.

“Aren’t you? Never mind; that’s a stupid question. I can tell you are.”

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” Adam said, closing his eyes in the hopes that it would help.

It didn’t.

Gus stirred against him. “Because of the way you catch your breath when I do something that feels good...yeah, just like that.”

Adam tilted his head back and gasped. When he opened his eyes and saw how Gus was watching him, he said in helpless wonder, “You could seduce a piece of furniture, do you know that?”

“You’re not much of a challenge at the moment,” Gus smiled against his mouth. “You’re just trying real hard to pretend you’re not interested...”

“Oh, I’m interested,” Adam said between very short breaths. “Believe me, I’m interested. I just...Gus, I don’t want to hurt you...”

“You’re not hurting me. Think of this as physiotherapy.”

That concept seemed to interest Adam. “Is that sort of like...playing doctor?”

“It can be, if you want,” Gus whispered after a minute, and then his control slipped a notch. “That’s better. Oh...wow.”

Adam turned his face into Gus’ hair “All right...I give up. I’m all yours.”

 

* * * *

By the third day, the crash of frenzied emotions had settled into a warm intimacy. In between the intensity of the long sessions of simply touching each other, there were hours of conversation interspersed with mutually comfortable silences. This new level of awareness frightened and fascinated the both of them, but by the time they were due to fly home, neither of them had any doubt that they were meant to be together.

They both fell asleep on the flight back, leaning against one another with their hands clasped. Across the aisle, Jeremy shook his head and smiled and silently congratulated himself.


	21. Chapter 21

There was a nasty shock awaiting Gus when they returned to L.A.

Jeremy dropped them off at the house in the early afternoon. Tired and giddy, they staggered into the front hallway, dropped their luggage, fell over each other trying to maneuver around it and ended up in the kitchen breathless with laughter and holding one another up.

“So...welcome home,” Adam said when he could speak again, wrapping his arms around Gus.

Eyes closed, leaning against him, Gus had to take a couple of seconds to deal with the rush brought on by Adam’s words. “Have I thanked you yet? Did I tell you what a wonderful time I had? Did I mention that? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Adam said, smiling. “At last count, I think it was about a hundred times. And speaking of a hundred,” he added in dismay, noting how the message light on his phone was flashing madly. “I’m afraid to even _look_ at that.”

“Hm?” Peering over his shoulder, Gus glanced at the phone and said airily. “Oh, heck...that’s nothing. I bet I’ve got more than you.” Putting his hands up to block Adam’s view, he said, “Just pretend you didn’t see it.”

“Okay. Um...can I look at anything else, or am I working blind for the rest of the day?”

“Maybe you’d better close your eyes.”

“Close my...what for?”

“Because I don’t want you distracted.”

“Oh yeah?” Adam said, intrigued, but he did as he was told. “Why, what do you have in mind?”

He felt Gus’ arms go up around his neck, pulling his head gently down and kissing him so intensely that he nearly fell over. Trying to regain his balance, Adam stepped back until he hit the refrigerator and despite his fatigue from the long trip, definitely felt himself overcome with a whole new kind of energy.

“You shouldn’t do that to me,” he said, in between Gus’ soft caressing kisses on his face and his neck. “I really should be thinking about calling a few people and checking in and when you do that all I can think about is taking you back to bed again.”

“Well, I feel it’s only fair to point out,” Gus replied huskily. “That since you’ve never actually taken me to bed in this house, you’re going to have to take me there _once_ before you can actually think about taking me there _again._ You’re already running behind, so you’d better get busy.”

Without hesitating, Adam closed his hands around Gus’ waist and lifted him up, sitting him on the edge of the island and then moving in between his knees and holding him tightly while he kissed him. He was already pulling the shirt loose from the waistband of his jeans when the phone rang.

“I hate when it does that,” he said, teeth clenched.

“Don’t answer it,” Gus whispered, touching his tongue to Adam’s ear “It’s only somebody who wants to sell you new windows, or clean your ducts, or ask you to take a survey...”

“I should,” Adam said regretfully. “I’ve really been playing hooky...I’m sorry. Just give me a second and I’ll try to get rid of them.”

Pulling free, he went to the other end of the island, punched the speakerphone button and said irritably, “What?”

There was the briefest pause, then a puzzled female voice said, “Adam?”

“Michelle!” Gus leaned down on his side, propping himself on one elbow to be closer to the speaker. “Hi, how’s it going?”

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you since Sunday night. You haven’t answered my messages there or on your cell phone. What’s going on?”

“My cell phone is in my briefcase,” Gus said cheerfully. “And I’m very pleased to tell you I don’t even have the faintest idea where my briefcase is. And when I find it, I think I will be very tempted to just throw it in the pool. We’ve been in Vail for a few days...why?”

Adam had caught the edge in Michelle’s voice and he reached out and put a hand on Gus’s arm, warning him with a shake of his head.

“Michelle? What’s going on?” Abruptly, Gus sat up, hopped down off the counter and went closer. “Are you okay?” Then, half-panicked, he said, “Is Brian okay?”

“We’re both fine. But I do have some bad news.  Jack’s had a heart attack.”

Gus went pale and all the euphoria of the past few days was immediately shaken out of him. “God, Michelle...was it bad? Is he going to be all right?”

“Eventually. But yeah, it was bad. He’s out of Intensive Care now, and they might even let him come home within a week, but he was very lucky. It happened at the office, so they got help to him quickly. If he’d been at home, the ambulance wouldn’t have made it in time.”

“God,” said Gus again, pressing one hand to his forehead. “Marissa must be doing her nut. And poor Lizzie must be scared to death. I’ll try calling them...will you see them today?”

“Probably. Listen, they’re doing okay. But Gus...you haven’t clued to what this means yet, have you?”

Gus glanced at Adam who had come to stand quietly behind him with his hands on his shoulders. After a moment, he felt the way they slumped.

“Oh,” he said. “No...I hadn’t thought of that.”

To Adam, he added, “Jack’s the one who’s supposed to take my case to trial next month. Obviously now he won’t be able to. That means _another_ delay.  Again.”

“Actually,” Michelle said very carefully. “It doesn’t.”

“Excuse me?” said Gus.

“Gus, both the Chief and the Mayor are pressuring the AGO to go ahead anyway. You’ve heard what’s going on here. There’s so much anti-police sentiment at the moment that they need this trial now, not three months from now.”

“And since when has the Attorney General’s Office had any problem telling the Chief and the Mayor where to get off? Who the hell’s going to jump in and take this case on such short notice?”

Michelle was disturbingly silent, and after a moment, Gus twisted out of Adam’s grasp and leaned over the phone, bracing himself with both hands on the counter.

“Oh, hell....Michelle, please tell me you’re _not_ going to say what I think you’re going to say.”

“I’m sorry, Gus. It was Jack’s idea.”

“Jack’s idea?” Gus said, horrified. “And was this while he was in Intensive Care, probably doped to the eyeballs? He’d never suggest that. He knows I’d rather be shot.”

“He knows that this case needs somebody high profile and somebody who can pull it off with very little time to prepare. Ted was in on the investigation from the beginning...he’s already familiar with all the background on it.”

Startled, Adam leaned in towards Gus and asked, “Is she talking about...?”

“Yes,” Gus said sickly. “That’s exactly who she’s talking about. Come on, Michelle...please tell me this is a joke.”

“Do you think I would joke about something like this? Do you think I’m happy about having to break this kind of news to you?”

Stubbornly, Gus snapped, “I just don’t believe Jack would ever suggest Ted as his replacement. You know as well as I do that there are half a dozen other attorneys in the AGO that could prosecute this case with their eyes closed. What about Ray Litman? Or Anders? Anders has done all kinds of cases like this for the department.”

“There aren’t any other senior attorneys available right now. We would be talking about another three or four month delay.”

That seemed to silence Gus temporarily, and he dropped his head down between his shoulders.

“Are you trying to tell me that _you’re_ okay with this?” he said finally.

“Me? Hell, no. I have yelled and screamed my way through the Mayor’s office, the Chief’s office...I’ve given them the agonized widow routine; I’ve even suggested to them that it might seem a little bit sadistic for them to go ahead given that they know perfectly well that it would be much harder for you personally. I can’t budge them. I didn’t even have any luck with Ted.”

Gus’s head came up abruptly. “What do you mean, you didn’t have any luck with Ted?”

“I’ve tried to talk to him.”

“You _called_ him?”

“I went to see him.”

Speechlessness struck Gus again. After a moment, he said, “Were you both still standing when the conversation was over?”

Michelle ignored that.“ Ted happens to agree with Jack.”

“Oh yeah,” Gus said spitefully. “I’ll just bet he does. He doesn’t get cases like this dropped in his lap every day. And it’s very convenient that _his_ calendar is suddenly so clear. But then again, cop-killer cases always look good on the resume. He must be thinking about running for Council again.”

He suddenly became aware of Adam again, standing silently behind him with a look on his face that clearly suggested he had questions he didn’t dare ask. Gus shook his head dully and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I don’t believe this.”

“Gus, I’m sorry. I’ve tried everything I can think of.” Michelle hesitated. “And Ted has already been announced as the new prosecutor.”

“Oh for God’s sake...”

“Sorry. The AGO didn’t bother to let me know before they made the announcement. And all the Chief is thinking about is doing damage control on all the other public relations nightmares.”

“So I was right,” Adam said unexpectedly from behind Gus. “They _are_ going to trot you out for the sympathy vote.”

Gus cast him a brief distressed glance, and then turned back to the phone. “That’s the real issue here, isn’t it, Michelle? This isn’t about who’s available to take the case, or who’s best to take the case...this is just about turning bad publicity around, right?”

“I’m sorry, Gus,” Michelle said again. “I tried.”

“I know that,” Gus said listlessly. “It’s not your fault.”

“I’ve threatened him within an inch of his life, I just want you to know that.”

Gus choked on a laugh. “I’ll bet you did.”  He put his elbows down on the island and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.

“Fine,” he said, after a long silence. “I’ll call him.”

“When are you coming home?”

Gus looked at Adam and swore under his breath. Another issue he didn’t want to deal with.

“I’ll let you know.”

He stood for a moment with his hand on the disconnect button, and then he looked up at Adam.

“Do you mind if I make a call?”

Bemused, Adam shook his head. Gus left the phone on speaker and dialed quickly, without even having to stop to think about the number.

When the receptionist at the AGO answered, Gus said curtly, “Ted Francis, please.”

Adam’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting. Would you like his voice mail?”

“I would not,” Gus snapped. “Tell him Gus Harrison is on the phone. I’ll bet you ten bucks he’ll get out of his meeting in a real hurry.”

After a few moments of elevator music, the line was picked up again.

“Gus?”

He swallowed convulsively. “Ted,” he said in a stiff, flat voice.

“How are you?”

“Oh, I’m just _ducky_. And you?”

Ted cleared his throat. “I gather Michelle called you?”

“Uh huh. Congratulations. I hear you’ve been named counsel on my case.”

“I need you to come in to the office so we can go over some things. Are you free tomorrow?”

“I’m in California.”

“Oh. Right.  Michelle did mention that.”

“No _shit._  So you can drop the act. And I’m sure you also know that I’m in the middle of trying to organize the Task Force fundraiser. I don’t have a lot of free time and I’m not going to spend any of it playing stupid games. When I sort out my schedule for next week, I will call your secretary and _you_ can work around _my_ timetable, okay?”

“Sure. That’s fine.” After a moment, almost aware how Gus was glaring at the phone, he added, “Gus, I don’t like this any more than you do.”

Gus smiled grimly. “Well, for starters, I don’t believe you. And secondly, I think you underestimate just how much I _don’t_ like this. I’ll call you when I get back to Toronto.”

Then he hung up.

Adam had kept his mouth shut through most of these proceedings, mostly because he knew he didn’t have any say in it. But when Gus turned back to him and he saw how his whole posture was closing up like a wounded animal curling in on itself for protection, he said gently, “That just made everything a thousand times worse for you, didn’t it?”

Gus shrugged. Drifting out in the living room he began wandering aimlessly in circles around the furniture.

Adam followed him, feeling a sudden stab of dread. Not only had the entire effect of their time together been apparently wiped out, he was uneasily aware that in the space of only a few minutes all of Gus’s old wariness and insecurities had resurfaced.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he said softly, trying to catch Gus’ arm as he paced past.

“There isn’t anything to talk about.”

“I know how much that upset you.”

His shoulders lifted in another tight shrug.

“Come on. You might feel better if you talk to me.”

Gus raised his head and looked directly at Adam and after a moment’s thought he suddenly smiled. “You want to make me feel better?” he inquired softly, and sidled nearer. “That’s not a bad idea.” His hands ran up Adam’s arms until he was holding Adam’s face and as he leaned in close to him, he murmured, “You could start by picking up where you left off when we got interrupted.”

Gus kissed Adam and he was shocked at how different Gus had become in such a short period of time. There was a new underlying anger and a dangerous moodiness in him that was being transmitted in a desperate, provocative come-on.

On any other occasion, he would have found such a sexy proposition irresistible. But Adam suddenly had the strong impression that Gus wasn’t thinking about him at all and the automatic physical reaction that was overtaking him was promptly doused as effectively as if somebody had turned a hose on him.

“Wait a minute,” he said, taking hold of Gus by the forearms.

“I don’t want to wait,” he whispered, trying to pull his arms loose, and when Adam wouldn’t let go there was an immediate flash of impatience in his eyes and he jerked them free. Wrapping them around Adam’s neck so that he couldn’t move, Gus almost frantically held Adam’s head against his, kissing him so openly and sensuously that he found it almost impossible to break away.

“Gus!” Adam said sharply, trying to turn his head. “Look, I know how uptight you must be after those calls. I know you’ve got other things on your mind.”

“What...do you mean Ted?” he said incredulously. “The last thing I’m going to do is let _that_ man back in my head again.” He traced his fingers along Adam’s cheek, trying to stop his protests with his warm, searching mouth and Adam had to fight the tantalizing friction of Gus’ body against his. “Besides, I don’t think you’re going to have any problem getting him off my mind.”

“Stop,” Adam said.

“I don’t think so,” Gus breathed and then half-choked as Adam managed to get his hands on his shoulders to shove him away.

“I said _stop_ ,” Adam said, going cold. “I’m not interested in you when you’re like this.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Gus said blankly.

“What’s wrong? How about I don’t want to be used to get some _other_ guy off your mind? How about I don’t want anybody else in bed with us...and that’s pretty much what you’re suggesting.”

Gus went white. Adam couldn’t identify the half-dozen expressions that flickered across his face, but the one that remained at the end was more devastated than he’d ever seen Gus and he was left with the unmistakable feeling that he’d just kicked a puppy.

He knew it was the worst possible time to reject Gus, and that sexual aggressiveness was just Gus’ confused and frightened way of seeking reassurance from him. He regretted it the moment he did it, but there was absolutely no doubt that Gus got the message.

He put his arms up over his head and clutched it for a moment trying to hide both his face and his shock. When he dropped them, he gave Adam one long shattered look and half-stumbled towards the French doors. They were locked; he fumbled at the handles blindly until he was able to wrench them open. Disappearing into the yard, he slammed them shut behind him, leaving Adam alone feeling sick and helpless

 

* * * *

It was nearly an hour before Adam managed to calm himself down enough to think straight. During that time, he went from being angry to hurt to very worried, not to mention thoroughly depressed that the wonderful time they were having together had been taken from both of them.

Gus did not reappear and when Adam finally couldn’t stand it anymore he went out on the deck to look for him. The backyard looked deserted, but when he approached the large, shaded swing where they frequently sat together, he found Gus curled up in one corner, looking miserable and bewildered.

“Are you all right?”

Gus nodded, but didn’t trust himself to speak.

Adam crouched down beside Gus, noting how he was twisting his hands together and the still-shocked pallor of his face.

“I shouldn’t have said those things to you,” Adam said very gently after a long silence.

“You had every reason to,” Gus said with obvious self-loathing. “I had no right to treat you that way. You don’t have any part in this...I should never have put you in the middle like that.”

“I don’t agree with you,” Adam murmured. “I _am_ a part of this...at least, I _want_ to be...if you’ll let me. I don’t want you to go through this alone.”

Gus closed his eyes. “Oh, God, Adam...I was just beginning to feel like I was normal again, and now I’m starting to feel like this is never going to be over. It was already bad enough...having to face going through the trial and bringing up all the memories of the accident all over again. Now on top of it I have to deal with Ted and I just don’t know how I’m going to handle it.”

“How about just giving yourself a little time to get used to the idea? You’re still in shock.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to _this_ idea.”

“All right. But you don’t have to face any of it right now. Not here.”

“I know. I’m sure that was why Michelle decided not to just wait until I got home; she probably thought a few days of being away would make it easier for me.” His eyes opened and he looked at Adam apologetically. “I guess she didn’t figure that I’d take it out on you like that.”

“I’ve got broad shoulders,” Adam said seriously. “Just keep talking to me, that’s all I ask.”

“Well,” Gus said, low and shaky. “I’ll start by telling you that this all scares the hell out of me. And I don’t want to let it get between us, and when I try to talk about it I get so wound up that I feel like I’m just hurting you.”

Dropping onto his knees, Adam edged closer and gently pried open one of Gus' clenched fists to twine his fingers with Gus'. “I won’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt me to see you so upset. But I want to help you through this, so please...just trust me. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I promise to try not to take any of it too personally.”

Gus clutched Adam's hand in return and when Adam saw how his mouth was beginning to tremble, he added quickly, “Now, are you coming out or do I have to come in there and get you?”

Gus gave him a half-hearted attempt at a smile and held out the other hand so Adam could pull him to his feet. “I’ll come in. You have no idea how hot it is out here in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans.”

“You should have come in and changed.”

“Yeah, well...” Gus' gaze dropped. “I didn’t want to face you. I was feeling pretty ashamed of myself.”

Adam drew Gus in to him with an arm around Gus' shoulders and kissed his temple. “And so was I.”

When they walked into the house, Gus' gaze went to the front hallway where he had dropped his luggage. “What did you do with my stuff?”

“Put it in my bedroom,” Adam said steadily. “And I moved the rest of your things over from the guest-room.” Squeezing Gus' hand, he added, “Since you’re not a guest anymore.”

The eyes that had widened at Adam's first remark unexpectedly filled with tears at the second.

“Don’t... _don’t_ ,” Adam muttered and hugged Gus against him. “I didn’t say that to make you cry. Sorry...I know you’re feeling really shaky at the moment.”

In an attempt to divert his attention onto something else, Adam convinced Gus to go ahead and call in to check his messages. Eventually Gus gave in, pointing out ruefully that he probably needed to do the same. He tracked down his briefcase and pulled out some files and after a few minutes of frowning over the paperwork Adam could see that Gus' mind was already re-focusing and he was starting to relax a little. Gus sat on his cell phone at one end of the island, rolling his eyes at Adam while he listened to one voice mail after the other, and Adam sat at the other end with the phone against his ear, scribbling notes from his own messages.

“Oh my God!” Gus said suddenly, and when Adam looked over in alarm and said, “What is it?”, Gus flapped a hand at him to be quiet.

“I don’t believe it,” Gus said in blank astonishment when he’d finished listening to the whole message.

“Now what?” said Adam, fearing another crisis.

“Frankie has been leaving me updates on the arrangements for the fundraiser. There’s nothing too exciting, except that she’s apparently had another run in with the caterer over what type of vegetables we’re serving...but in her _last_ message...” He grinned. “She was calling to tell me that Much Music has agreed to loan us a V.J. to be master of ceremonies, and they’ve agreed to come and tape the entire thing and run it later as a special.” He put his head in his hands with a groan of relief. “You’ve got no idea how much pressure that takes off me. I couldn’t convince anyone to commit to hosting the entire thing and I was beginning to get worried that _I_ was going to get stuck doing it.”

“I thought you’d already been twisting their arms to help you out?”

“I was. But all I was looking for was some sound crew and a few on-air promotions. I wasn’t getting that greedy.”

“So that should cheer you up then. Any idea why they suddenly got so generous?”

“They’ll probably never tell me. I’m sure Frankie has been pushing all their buttons about being good citizens...and to be fair, they do a _lot_ for the local community...but I’ll bet that it has an awful lot more to do with them wanting to get into my good books, even though I’ve already told them they can forget about coming to me for any information about you.”

“Oh,” Adam said. After a pause, he said, “You know, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“About what?”

“About your fundraiser. We haven’t really talked about it and I know you wouldn’t ask, and maybe I shouldn’t be offering, but if there’s anything I can do to help you out...”

Gus held up a hand. “Hold it. Before you get started, you’ve already hit the nail on the head. I wouldn’t ask. Besides, even if I would, this whole event is about the community and the kids. That’s why I’m only using local media and local artists and no offense, but you’d take the focus away from them.” Gus smiled at Adam gratefully. “Not that I wouldn’t like to sell several thousand more tickets, which I could do if everyone knew that you would be there. But I hope you know what I mean. I do appreciate the offer. I wish I could take you up on it.”

Adam sighed. “I do know what you mean. But you’re just working so hard at this and I know how important it is...I just wish there was something I could do to pitch in.”

“Well,” Gus admitted, sliding off his bar-stool and coming down to loop his arms around Adam from behind. “There is one _particular_ way you could help me out that night.”

Adam turned his head to look at Gus. “You just finished telling me thanks but no thanks.”

“I know. But there’s a certain arrangement that I haven’t been able to sort out yet, and I think you’re the only one who can save me.”

Now Adam was beginning to get suspicious. “And what’s that?”

Gus leaned his cheek against Adam's shoulder. “Well, you see...I don’t have a date.”

“Oh,” Adam said, and was oddly flattered. “Is that an invitation?”

“And I don’t even know if you can manage to be there, and I didn’t want to take the chance that you’d start re-arranging things you shouldn’t be. But if you’re free, will you come up and go with me?”

Adam swung the bar-stool around to face Gus. “Are you sure that won’t cause you any problems? Really, Gus...I understand what you mean about not wanting to take the focus away from where it should be. And besides, aren’t you already going to be under enough pressure that night, without everybody staring at the two of us?”

“I _will_ be pretty busy,” Gus agreed. “But I don’t see any problem with you just being there as my guest. It’s not like I’m going to tell anybody about it ahead of time. Besides, Michelle will be there, and the two of you can keep each other company when I’m not around.”

“Oh, now the truth comes out. It’s Michelle who needs the date...not you.”

Gus smiled. “You did say you wanted to meet her. And as far as people staring...haven’t you been telling me that I have to get used to it? And this is for a good cause. If I can’t stand to be stared at for a good cause, what hope do I ever have of getting used to it?”

Adam looked doubtful. “Boy, you sure know how to pick your moments don’t you? With all those cameras around, you know there are bound to be pictures of us making it in the papers. _Your_ papers. _Your_ city. With Much Music there, for God's sake. Are you sure?”

“Does that mean you can make it?”

Adam sighed. “As a matter of fact, I think I can.”

“Don’t you have to check your schedule...? Oh, you _rat_. You’ve known all along that I was going to ask you.”

“I was hoping,” Adam admitted. “But I wasn’t sure you were up to it and I didn’t want to put any more pressure on you.”

Gus lowered his eyebrows at Adam warningly. “And you’re not scheduling anything around this, right? You’re not postponing anything you shouldn’t be?”

“Nothing, I swear. I’ve got four free days.” He grinned at Gus. “Besides, if you have any spare time, you can take me on a tour of the city. You don’t get to see much of it out the windows of a tour bus. Or a police car.”

“I’m not touching that,” Gus replied, and hugged him. “But thanks. You don’t know what this means to me.”

“You’re welcome,” Adam said, relieved to see some of Gus' warmth and humor reasserting itself. “Now I want to be nosy, so bring your stuff over here and show me exactly what you’re planning for this big shindig.”

They sat with their heads together for the hour while Gus outlined all the details of the fundraiser, impressing him with how professionally Gus had organized things and how he had managed to keep the balance between black-tie event and club atmosphere.

“It’s tricky,” he admitted. “I need to make it fancy enough that all the big-shot corporate sponsors and politicians will show up and casual enough that all the kids have a good time. It is for them, after all.”

“Aha. So I don’t need my tux then, right?”

“No,” Gus said, poking Adam. “In fact, I’ve warned the Mayor that if he shows up in a tux I will personally have him thrown out. Having said that, he’ll probably show up in jeans and a tie-dye shirt. There’s no telling what that man will do some days.”

Later, when Adam had returned all the messages that absolutely had to be dealt with and he figured Gus had done just about enough of the same, he gently took the phone from him.

“I need to make one more call,” Gus protested.

“I think you can take a break. It’s nearly dinnertime; aren’t you hungry?”

“Well, yes. But just let me have the phone for one more minute.”

“What’s so urgent that it can’t wait until after you eat?”

Gus bit his lip. “I have to book my flight home.”

“Oh, then you’re _definitely_ not getting this back,” Adam said gloomily, holding the phone up way out of his reach. “Maybe if I can stall you for a few hours, all the flights tomorrow will be full.”

“Why?” Gus said, as innocently as possible. “Are you kicking me out tomorrow?”

Adam lowered the phone. “When you got here you said you were going home on Thursday.”

“I did not. I said I _should_ go home on Thursday.”

Adam's face lit up hopefully. “So you’re not going home tomorrow?”

Gus lowered his eyes and idly kicked one foot against the leg of his bar-stool. “Is it all right if I stay until Sunday?”

Without a word, Adam handed him the phone, but as he passed behind Gus on his way to the kitchen, he paused long enough to kiss Gus warmly on the neck. Gs put up one hand and gently hooked it around the back of Adam's head, holding it close to his for a moment before he let Adam go and began dialing the airport.


	22. Chapter 22

While they made dinner, Adam watched Gus surreptitiously and noted with relief that a lot of his obvious tension had eased, although he was still clearly more subdued than usual and occasionally his face would cloud over as if a troubling thought had crossed his mind. But Adam hadn’t been watching Gus for very long before he began having other thoughts of his own, especially when Gus kept brushing past him and reaching around him to grab something off the counter.

Gus had changed into the same pair of tight cutoffs he’d worn on their day at the beach. When he reached up in the cupboard for plates, the effort stretched the shorts a little more snugly over his ass than usual, at which point Adam realized he’d been standing for several minutes with his mouth open, stirring spaghetti sauce far more than was required.

“Are you almost done with that?” Gus said, lifting the lid off the pot of boiling water.

“Hm? Oh.” Picking up the spoon, Adam absently tasted a mouthful of sauce and winced at how hot it was.

Gus eyed him curiously. “So? Is it ready or not?”

Adam stuck the spoon back in the pot and resumed stirring. “I think it needs a second opinion.”

Gus narrowed his eyes at him. “A second opinion?”

“Yep. Come here and taste it.”

With a sigh, Gus dropped the oven mitts on the counter and wandered over, stopping within tasting distance and waiting expectantly.

“Well, either give me the spoon or give me a taste, one of the two…”

Adam let go of the spoon, but before Gus could reach out to take it, Adam had caught him around the waist and pulled him close, giving him only a second to draw a startled breath before he kissed Gus deeply and thoroughly.

“How’s that taste?” he whispered, sliding his hands slowly up and down Gus’ back.

Too astonished to answer at first, Gus unconsciously ran his tongue over his lips and looked up at Adam hesitantly.

“Needs more basil,” Gus managed after a moment.

“Are you sure?” Adam said and kissed him again, letting Gus explore his mouth more slowly this time.

Gus’ reaction was immediate and unmistakable but there was still a hint of uncertainty in him. Then he sighed unsteadily. “No...no. It’s perfect.”

He touched Adam’s face and closed his eyes. Holding Gus close with one arm, Adam turned Gus around with him and carefully switched off both burners on the stove and slid the pots back off the heat.

“What about dinner?”

“Dinner can wait,” Adam said against his ear, pushing Gus gently backwards out of the kitchen. “ ** _I_** can’t. I want you now.”

Gus didn’t resist, letting Adam back him up across the living room, kissing him with every step but when they reached the threshold of Adam’s room Gus leaned up against the doorframe and balked.

“I don’t want you to think...” he whispered emotionally, and Adam put a finger across his lips.

“I don’t,” Adam said very gently, and it was true. There was no doubt in his mind that all Gus was thinking about was him, and that there was nothing and no one else between them this time.

“I’m sorry about before.”

“Hush. You don’t need to apologize.”

“I want to make it up to you.”

“You can start by letting go of the door.”

Gus rarely ventured into Adam’s room feeling that it was too personal a place for him to be without Adam’s permission. So he was caught by surprise when Adam finally coaxed him in and Gus discovered that Adam had a beautiful framed photo of the two of them on the table beside his bed.

“Where is that from?” Gus blurted.

It was a stupid question, since it had so obviously been taken the night of the post-tour party. He didn’t remember anyone taking pictures, especially one so close, but sometime during the evening somebody has photographed him dancing with Adam, with their faces close together and their eyes on each other. It was a beautiful shot, and one that made his heart skip.

“Lee, a friend of mine, was there that night,” Adam murmured. “He is a photographer. He knew I’d like it and he gave me a copy.”

“It’s nice,” Gus whispered.

“It is,” Adam said softly. “You were so gorgeous.”

He turned Gus’ head away from the picture and back towards him, sliding his fingers through Gus’ hair and moving his mouth hungrily over his. Then he bent one knee on the bed, gently pulling Gus down with him as he kissed him, feeling pleasure starting to spread as Gus finally began responding with all the heat and desire Adam knew he was capable of.

“I wanted to come in here a thousand times when I was here before,” Gus confessed huskily. “It used to drive me crazy knowing you were so close. All I wanted to do was just sneak in the room and slide into bed with you and start kissing you until you woke up.”

“I wish you had, you jerk,” Adam groaned. “You could have saved a lot of wear and tear on my imagination. There were a lot of nights I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep; I was fantasizing about you so much.”

Gus turned on his side to face Adam, loosening Adam’s shirt and rubbing his hands over Adam’s chest. “Maybe we should compare...fantasies, I mean. I bet mine are better than yours.”

“I doubt that. Besides, this reality stuff is pretty good.” Sliding one hand down Gus’ bare leg from the fringe of his shorts, Adam bent Gus’ knee and hooked it up over his hip, bringing them into sudden, intimate contact that made Gus gasp softly. “God, you’re so addictive. It’s no wonder I want you so much.”

Adam felt light, teasing touches on his face that slowly turned into a heated exchange of deep, open kisses. Restlessly, he struggled to free them both from their clothes and wasn’t satisfied until he felt the full length of Gus’ warm body against his.

“Did you fantasize about this?” Gus whispered, moving his hands all over Adam and loving the way that Adam shivered in response.

“I did...but it was never this good. I never thought I could get so out of control...like now.... I’m sorry...I can’t wait anymore.” Impatiently, he rolled onto his back, pulling Gus over him and watching how his face changed as their bodies naturally slid into place together. “There...is that...is that what you want?”

Gus closed his eyes and nodded, bracing himself on his hands and trying desperately to slow his body down.

“You’re so warm and soft inside. How does it feel?” More urgently, he said, “Gus...baby, look at me,” and when Gus raised his head, Adam could see how unbelievably turned on he was. “How does that feel?”

“Incredible,” Gus said in a low, strained voice. “So good. You make me feel so good.”

There were vibrations overtaking both of them making it impossible to prolong the luxury of the pleasure they were sharing. Adam whispered to him once and Gus sank down to bury his head on the pillow next to Adam’s, letting Adam’s hands guide his hips as they moved together. Adam heard Gus’ soft, plaintive whimpers and then felt the way everything tightened and pulsed inside him, at the same time his own body flooded with sensation.

The next thing Adam remembered was Gus leaning over him, tickling his ribs and breathing in his ear.

“Cut that out,” Adam grumbled, laying one arm over his face.

“I’m hungry,” Gus said in mock petulance.

Adam lifted the arm long enough to fix Gus with a baleful stare. “So? You know where the kitchen is.”

“Good point. Can you eat spaghetti in bed?”

“I wouldn’t recommend it.” He lowered the arm again.

Gus slipped out of bed and Adam heard him pad out of the room on bare feet and then pad back in again a few minutes later with whatever he could scrounge from the kitchen on short notice.

“Here,” he said, settling himself cross-legged beside Adam. “I brought dinner.”

Cautiously, Adam opened his eyes and was relieved to see that at least Gus had decided to forgo the spaghetti. More of a relief was the loving, gentle smile on his face that had erased the day’s earlier conflict.

“Do you want some?” Gus asked, offering Adam a bite of granola bar. “Carrot stick? Celery? Piece of cheese?”

“At least you’ve hit all the major food groups,” Adam muttered. “And I’m glad you’re making yourself at home.”

Gus leaned over him again. “Well, you were the one that said it.”

“Said what?”

“Welcome home. When we got here. You said ‘welcome home’.” His voice took on a trace of shyness. “Did you mean it?”

“Of course I did,” Adam said softly.

“Good.”  Gus’ face went all flushed, and for lack of anything better to do he began breaking a carrot stick into little pieces. “Because I’d like that.”

Adam raised himself up on his elbows and tried to stare into Gus; eyes. “What? What would you like?”

Gus shrugged shyly. “For this to be home. When I’m not home, I mean.” The carrot was being systematically demolished. “Being so hopelessly in love with you, I can’t stand the thought of not being with you every moment that I’m here. So...if you really meant it, I’d really like to be able to think of this as home.”

Sitting up, Adam very steadily removed Gus’ plate, including the remains of the poor carrot, and set it all aside on the bedside table. Then he put both arms around Gus, pulled him down so he was pinning Gus to the bed and began kissing Gus for all he was worth.

“Yes,” he said emotionally. “Yes, I really meant it. And just so you’re sure, I’ll say it one more time... _welcome home_.”

 

* * * *

In the middle of the night Gus sat bolt upright with a gasp, startling Adam out of a sound sleep so that he scrambled up beside Gus.

“What?” Adam said groggily, and when Gus didn’t respond, fumbled for the bedside lamp and turned it on. “Gus?”

Gus was clutching the blankets to his chest, wide-eyed and staring. When Adam said his name again, more sharply, Gus turned towards him with a panicked face that suddenly went utterly blank, and Adam realized that not only did Gus not recognize where he was, Gus didn’t recognize him either.

He put an anxious hand up to Gus’ cheek and felt cold, clammy skin. “Are you all right?”

Gus blinked slowly, then suddenly his shoulders sagged and he swallowed, putting two fingers to the bridge of his nose and pinching hard.

“Were you dreaming?”

“I must have been,” he muttered. In the half-light, he suddenly seemed very young and very vulnerable. He looked around the room, still disoriented, and then closed his eyes and tilted his head back. “Yeah, I must have been.”

“You looked pretty scared,” Adam said gently. “Are you okay now?”

Gus nodded. “Sorry I woke you.”

“Can I get you anything? Do you want some water?”

“No. No, I’m fine.” Somewhat stiffly he lay back and after a moment of staring at the ceiling, looked over to where Adam was still eyeing him dubiously.

“Really, Adam. I’m okay.”

Reluctantly, Adam switched off the light and lay back down and when he reached an arm out over Gus, he promptly burrowed into Adam, making him flinch at how cold he was.

It took awhile for his breathing to calm down and his heartbeat to return to normal. Eventually Adam couldn’t keep quiet any longer and ventured, “Do you have nightmares a lot?”

“Used to,” Gus murmured against his chest. “Not much now...not anymore. But every now and then something will set them off.”

Adam didn’t have to be told what it was that had set them off this time and a nagging little worry began growing in the back of his mind that this was only the beginning of a long series of things that were going to set Gus off.

Having seen the look on Gus’ face when he woke up, there was no doubt in Adam’s mind exactly what Gus had been dreaming about. And Adam had only seen that look on Gus’s face once before...on the day they drove up to the beach and he’d had to swerve and slam on the brakes to avoid being involved in an accident on the highway.

 

* * * *

Adam waited a long time until he was convinced that Gus had gone back to sleep before he allowed himself to doze off again. But Gus, lying motionless against him and fooling him with deep breathing, stayed awake for the rest of the night in a half-paralyzed state of light-headed terror. By morning, he’d been able to conjure up all the old coping mechanisms again, rebuilding walls that had taken months to come down, absolutely desperate not to let Adam see how badly frightened he was and wondering how the hell he was going to get through this nightmare all over again.

 

* * * *

  
  
Gus presented a carefully controlled face to Adam the next morning, disguising the fact that he hadn’t slept with a false cheerfulness. His back was aching from the hours of lying with all his muscles in one giant knot and his nerves were badly frayed. Doggedly he did his best to shake it off, and if Adam noticed any change in him, he didn’t mention it as they made breakfast.  
  
After clearing up the uneaten dinner from the night before, that is.  
  
“Seems like an awful waste,” Gus remarked, dumping cold, clammy spaghetti into the garbage.  
  
“I’ll try to time my cravings better,” Adam said with a straight face. “If you promise not to wear those shorts around me when you want me to concentrate.”  
  
“You have something scheduled this afternoon, don’t you?” Gus asked him, frowning over a choice of yogurt.  
  
When Adam opened his mouth, Gus held up a finger and warned, “And before you say anything about being sorry...forget it.”  
  
“Yes,” Adam said, with a sigh. “I didn’t change it because _somebody_ originally told me that he was planning on going home today, and I figured you’d be gone by now and I could take my bad mood with me and be really popular at the meeting.”  
  
Gus cocked his head at Adam and smiled, making Adam flush.  
  
“What...is it my fault I get depressed when you leave?”  
  
“I didn’t say a word.”  
  
“And since you brought it up, I might as well tell you that I’m going to go to Isaac’s on Saturday afternoon. Monte and Sutan are coming down as well; we were planning on having a barbecue, so you can come with me and hang out if you want”  
  
“Sure,” Gus said dryly. “But I was just asking about today because I feel like getting out and I thought maybe since you were going into the city I could tag along.”  
  
“Sorry...could you say that again? You feel like getting out? You mean in public?”  
  
Gus took a sip of coffee “Just to do some shopping. Remember I know how to be inconspicuous when necessary. I’ll keep my head down.”  
  
“Well, sure,” Adam said a bit dubiously. “I’m going to be awhile, though...”  
  
“...and maybe after we could grab a bite to eat and go to a movie or something.”  
  
Adam stared at him. “Now you _are_ getting ambitious. What’s with this sudden urge to go out and stop traffic?  This _is_ LA, you know. I’m sort of pretty well known around here.”  
  
“Okay,” Gus said a bit impatiently. “Forget it. Never mind. I’m sorry I made the suggestion.”  
  
“No, wait...it’s a great idea. I’m all for it...I just thought you were pretty rattled about yesterday...” Adam’s voice trailed off as Gus’s eyebrows arched and he realized he was treading on thin ice. “But going out sounds great. Really.”  
  
“Good. Let me know what time you want to leave.”  
  
It _did_ make sense to Adam that Gus was looking for some kind of serious distraction after the upset of the day before, even though Adam was a little surprised that Gus was actually encouraging him to go out for a night on the town. But anxious to please Gus, Adam didn’t argue even though it meant he would have to get pretty creative to make such arrangements on short notice.  
  
Shopping wasn’t one of Gus’s favorite pastimes, but it seemed a logical diversion. There were gifts to get for Brian and Michelle, and for Celine for looking after Lucian for yet another week. He didn’t expect that just driving in to the city would cause any problems, but when Adam pulled over at one of the large malls to let Gus out, he nearly caused the young woman in the next lane to run down some jaywalkers in her Honda.  
  
“Hurry up,” he said to Gus warningly. “Or I’m going to have a fifty new hood ornaments.”  
  
Gus leaned over, gave him a quick kiss, said, “I’ve-got-your-cell-phone-call-me-when-you’re-done,” and bolted for the nearest entrance, disappearing straight into a crowd of shoppers in case anyone happened to have noticed him.  
  
To his relief, the mall was so busy that it was easy to be invisible, although he nearly gave the game away when he opened his wallet at the record store to pay for a CD for Celine and the photo Isaac had taken of him and Adam dropped out on the counter.  
  
The clerk picked it up and Gus held his breath. After studying the picture for a moment, with one pierced eyebrow raised, the girl handed it back to Gus without glancing up and said, “You look nice.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Gus, weak-kneed with relief.  
  
“Don’t suppose you brought him along with you?” the girl added casually, handing back change and receipt.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
She sighed. “Damn. They never do. Well, have a nice day.”  
  
After tracking down something for both Brian and Michelle, with lots of time still left to kill, Gus found himself standing outside a undergarments shop trying to get up enough nerve to go in. When he did, he made one quick trip around the store and grabbed anything that looked interesting before diving into the change room, horribly aware that if anyone recognized him in _this_ particular establishment, he’d never hear the end of it.  
  
He treated himself to a few things, realizing too late that his name was plastered right across his credit card. Fortunately, the salesman was in his fifties and had absolutely no interest in pop music and his only observation to Gus was that somebody was obviously going to get a _very_ nice surprise.  
  
“If I live that long,” Gus muttered, and fled.  
  
Feeling progressively more restless as the afternoon wore on and Adam still didn’t call, Gus went whole hog and bought himself a raft of shorts, t-shirts and light pants, defiantly reminding himself that since he was planning on spending a whole lot of time in California, he might as well leave a partial wardrobe behind.  
  
He was taking a breather on one of the benches, gulping a cold drink when the cell phone finally rang.  
  
“Got any money left?” Adam inquired.  
  
“I doubt it, but I can’t tell for sure,” Gus retorted. “Do you know how annoying it is that all your money is the same color? It’s not only boring; it makes it very difficult to pay for things without making everybody think I’m a tourist.”  
  
“You _are_ a tourist. I’m sorry I took so long. Are you ready to go?”  
  
Adam picked Gus up where he’d dropped him off, looking startled at the number of packages Gus wrestled in with him.  
  
“You weren’t kidding, were you? I thought you didn’t like shopping that much...ooohh, what’s in _that_ bag?”  
  
Gus smacked his hand away. “Drive,” he said.  
  
Once they were out of the parking lot, Adam asked, “Hungry?”  
  
“I could eat,” Gus admitted. “How was the meeting?”  
  
“Long. Boring. Lots of big words. You put agents and lawyers together in a room and it’s like watching paint dry. Very expensive paint.”  
  
“But did you get anywhere?”  
  
“Oh, sure. I did about forty-five minutes worth of work in, oh...about three hours. Very productive.” He glanced over at Gus. “Tommy says hi.”  
  
“You saw him?”  
  
“No. I was just called him to make sure we were still on for Saturday. I hope you don’t mind...I suggested we’d meet him tonight, and go out for some dinner. He’s got buddies at restaurants everywhere, so somebody can sneak us in.”  
  
“Okay,” Gus said slowly.  “Are we going home to change first?”  
  
Adam looked pointedly at the pile of shopping bags behind him. “You look like you’ve got enough back there to change right here.” When Gus glared at him, Adam laughed and reached over to take his hand. “Never mind. We’re not going anywhere fancy. You’re fine just the way you are.”

* * * *

  
  
They stole in the back entrance of a fashionable bar in the middle of the city, and the manager took them straight to a table.  
  
Gus did a double take when he saw Tommy, not because he was self-conscious that Tommy immediately stood up to hug him, but because of who he had with him.  
  
“Hi, Anna,” Gus said blankly, sinking down on the chair Adam held for him. “Nice to see you again. How are you?”  
  
“Good thanks. How about you?”  
  
“I’m all shopped out,” Gus said with a rueful sigh, then dared to glance over at Tommy. He shrugged sheepishly and after a moment, Gus grinned at him and he grinned back.  
  
“My keys did dry out...eventually,” he said.  
  
“Your what?” said Adam.  
  
“Long story,” said Tommy.  
  
It was a relief that Gus and Tommy were able to at least look each other in the eye, but the last thing Gus needed at this particular point in time was a reminder of another sensitive situation in his life. While Adam and Tommy argued good-naturedly about music, Gus found himself repeatedly distracted and had to keep reminding himself to follow the conversation. Although the food was delicious, he only picked at his dinner and had to fight the fatigue that was creeping over him as lack of sleep started to kick in.  
  
When he and Anna excused themselves for a few minutes to go to bathroom, Tommy looked over at Adam and said, “Is Gus all right?”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“He seems a bit down. Not his usual self.”  
  
Adam raised his eyebrows. _He_ had noticed Gus’s slightly restrained mood, but was taken aback that Tommy had picked up on the same thing.  
  
“Yeah, well, he’s got a rough time ahead of him in the next few weeks. The trial is coming up...of the guy who caused his accident.”  
  
Tommy whistled. “No wonder he’s down. That’s not going to be easy for him.”  
  
“No,” said Adam, and frowned at the thought. “And if you want to know what’s really freaking him out...guess who the lawyer is that’s in charge of the case?”  
  
At Tommy’s puzzled look, Adam added, “His ex-boyfriend.”  
  
Tommy nearly dropped his glass of wine. “Ted? The one who dumped him after the accident?”  
  
Adam blinked. “I didn’t know you knew about that.”  
  
Kicking himself, trying to remember that the long evening of heartfelt conversation he’d had with Gus wasn’t ever supposed to have happened, Tommy said lamely, “He just mentioned Ted in passing. When we were out the night before you went to Vail. Wow, that’s going to be tough for him.” And then again without thinking, “I hope Ted knows what he’s in for if he ever brings the subject up with Gus. I’ll never understand how the hell he could have rejected Gus like that. I think Gus’s got a lot of things to say to him if Ted’s ever stupid enough to give Gus the opportunity.”  
  
Adam didn’t comment but took a sip of his drink, slightly miffed that Tommy knew so much. Gus was extremely reluctant to talk to him about what had taken place with Ted and he found he was more than a little annoyed that Gus had confided in somebody else.  
  
Then it suddenly struck him what else Tommy had said.  
  
When Gus returned he wondered at Adam’s puzzled scowl and was equally baffled by Tommy’s repeated, apologetic glances. They finished the rest of the meal with a minimum of conversation and then Adam made their excuses, saying nothing more than it had been a long day and he was tired.  
  
On the way out, Gus leaned close to Tommy and hissed, “What’s going on?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Tommy whispered back. “I think I put my foot in my mouth.”  
  
“About what?” Gus said, but all Tommy could do was shake his head at him warningly as they went out in to the parking lot.  
  
On the drive back, Gus waited to see if Adam would say anything, and when Adam was moodily silent, he ventured, “Thanks for dinner.”  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
“Is everything all right? You seemed pissed about something.”  
  
“Not pissed. Bothered.”  
  
Biting his lip, Gus said, “You mind telling me what about?”  
  
“Tommy noticed that you weren’t your usual self. Which I thought was pretty observant of him, considering I thought you were doing a pretty good job of being cheerful. I happened to mention to him that you had some rough times ahead, with the trial and everything.”  
  
He glanced over at Gus, who was watching him uneasily. “Tommy seems to know an awful lot about what happened with your ex-boyfriend. I’m just really surprised that you talked to him so much about it. You haven’t talked about it much at all to me. I thought you pretty much avoided talking about it to anyone.”  
  
Inwardly, Gus sighed. Tommy had obviously let something slip. The question was, how much, and how badly was Adam going to take it?  
  
“So it bothers you that I told him?”  
  
“It bothers me that you seem to have found it easier to talk to him about it than it was to talk to me.”  
  
“What makes you think it was any easier?”  
  
“Look, I know Tommy well enough to know that he would never ask you about something as personal as that. So _you_ must have volunteered. _I_ practically had to drag it out of you.”  
  
“I think you’re exaggerating a bit.”  
  
“Am I?” Adam said darkly.  
  
That was the end of the conversation until they reached the house. Hoping Adam would drop the subject and uncertain about exactly how upset he actually was, Gus bit back the handful of defensive comments he felt like making.  
  
He got a pretty good preview of Adam’s mood when he just went straight in the house without making any attempt to help him carry in any of his packages. Without a word, he followed Adam in and found him leaning against the counter in the kitchen with his arms crossed.  
  
It occurred to Gus that he’d had more emotionally difficult conversations standing in Adam’s kitchen than just about any other place he could remember.  
  
“Spit it out, Adam,” he sighed finally. “You’re not going to be happy until you tell me what’s on your mind.”  



	23. Chapter 23

Adam contemplated the floor for a few long minutes before he lifted his head to look at Gus.

“I’m just wondering,” he remarked somewhat tightly. “What else you’ve talked to Tommy about.”

“Excuse me?” Gus said in astonishment.

“Have you talked to him about me?”

“That’s a completely stupid question.”

“Would you just answer it?”

“Of course I have,” Gus snapped. “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t talked to him about me? Do you want me to believe that you haven’t talked to Monte, or Neil. or Isaac or half a dozen other friends? You know...friends. The people you confide in? The people you trust?”

“There are some personal things I don’t get into with anybody.”

“What makes you think I tell him personal things?”

“You don’t? Then how did he know we went to Vail?”

Gus opened his mouth and then just closed it again. Arching his eyebrows, Adam continued, “I told him we’d been on a nice romantic little getaway. I didn’t tell him where. And you didn’t mention that you’d been talking to him since we got back. So I’m curious as to how he knew.”

Trapped, Gus dropped his eyes. “I talked to him before we left.”

“Gus, you didn’t even know where we were going until right before you got on the plane.”

“I know that,” he retorted. “I called him from the airport.”

Gus saw the look on Adam’s face and braced himself.

“Would you mind telling me why?” Adam asked flatly.

Gus sighed. “He was a bit depressed the night he took me out to the club with him. He obviously wasn’t having a good time, so we didn’t even stay that long. We came back here and he talked to me about some of the things that were getting to him. He just wanted to vent; I’m a good listener...that’s what friends are for. All I was doing was checking in on him the next day to make sure he was feeling better.”

“And you told him where we were going?”

“Obviously. You know, I was kind of excited about it...it’s nice to share that kind of news with friends...”

Gus didn’t like keeping part of the truth from Adam, but there was absolutely no way he was going to betray Tommy. So he shut up, crossed his own arms defiantly and waited for the rest of the fallout.

“You didn’t mention that to me.”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” he cried and then edginess rolled over into temper. “You know what, Adam? I don’t need this crap right now. Don’t you think I’ve got enough to handle with without you making a big deal about something so trivial? So I talked about Ted to somebody I consider to be a very good friend...what’s the problem? Besides, sometimes it’s easier to talk about those things with someone who isn’t quite as close to it all, someone who can be more objective about it. Did you ever think of that?” Frustrated by his own emotion, he added, “And Tommy has been absolutely wonderful to me since day one. So don’t you dare criticize him.”

“I’m not criticizing him,” protested Adam, bewildered by Gus’ sudden defensiveness.

“Then stop criticizing me.”

“I’m not...oh, never mind. Gus, you’re taking all of this the wrong way.”

That didn’t go over well either. “I’m taking it the wrong way? You’re the one who seems to have a problem with it. In fact, you brought it up.”

Now just as testy, Adam snapped, “Fine. Now I’ll drop it.”

“Yeah, I’d really like it if you would. And since this is the second time in two days that Ted has come up in conversation and we’ve ended up fighting about it, don’t you think maybe we should just cross him off the list as a topic?”

Without waiting for an answer, Gus went to the fridge, yanked out bottle of beer and stamped out into the living room. Snatching up the remote, he slouched down on the sofa, turned on the TV and began flicking grimly through the channels.

Adam followed him out. When he took the remote from Gus, he furiously tried to snatch it back from Adam.

“Stop it,” Adam warned, holding Gus’ wrist with one hand.

“This conversation is over,” Gus said flatly

“No, it isn’t. Will you just shut up and listen for once?”

Gus sat back, swinging a crossed leg impatiently.

“Will you look at me, please? And stop being so defensive. I’m sorry, Gus. Can I just explain something to you?”

Gus closed his eyes briefly and bit his lip, suddenly ashamed of himself for his outburst. When he turned to face Adam and saw that he seemed to be waiting for permission to continue, he nodded.

“Gus...you’re right. I shouldn’t have brought this up. With everything else you’ve got going on, this just isn’t important. But I want to try and explain why it bothers me, okay?”

He rubbed one hand across his forehead. “This relationship of ours means more than anything else to me at the moment. I love you...I want you in my life full-time...I can’t even remember what things were like in my life before you came along. I’m so wrapped up in wanting to do this right that I keep feeling like I’m doing everything wrong. You told me not to try so hard...that I didn’t need to be doing all those things to try and impress you. But I do those things because I know that parts of my life are really hard for you to deal with, and I want to try and balance it out for you. Yeah, if we’re going to be apart a lot, then I want the times we are together to be filled with special things. I want to spoil you. I want to make you incredibly happy.”

“You do,” Gus said very gently.

“Part of the reason is because of what you’ve been through. You’ve lost so much and you’ve been so badly hurt in so many ways. I need to do whatever I can to make those memories go away.”

Gus had been watching Adam’s face earnestly; now his gaze dropped.

“So I want to say I’m sorry if I still seem like I’m trying too hard. I’m sorry if I’m overprotective. I’m sorry if I’m...” Adam sighed, and rubbed his forehead again. “I’m sorry if I seem a little jealous of Tommy. I’m not really. I’m just oversensitive about things right now and I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to be there for you when you need me...and that you don’t need to be going to anyone else because I can’t give you what you need.”

“Adam,” Gus said emotionally. “There are going to be some things that you just won’t be able to do for me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to try,” he murmured.

Gus heaved a huge sigh that bordered on tears. “What happened to me after the accident was pretty much the ugliest part of my life. And what I’ve got with you is really new and really special and we’re still working on building it, and I don’t want any of the ugly part of my life to get in the way.”

“Okay,” Adam said slowly. “But you told me once that everything that a person goes through is what makes them who they are right now, and that you can’t just wish those difficult parts away.”

Gus swallowed, but he didn’t respond.

“So if who you are right now is who I love and who I want, why are you trying to trying to pretend you’re different?”

“I’m not.”

“You are. What you should be doing is trusting that I see this as something that we can both work through and not something that’s going to get between us.”

Gus ducked his head, clearly embarrassed. “I’m not handling it well right now. As you can tell. I’m sorry that I keep going off the deep end.”

“That’s partly because you’re trying to shut me out instead of sharing it with me...that’s what’s getting to me most. Maybe you’re just trying to protect me from it and I know you’re feeling a lot of anger and hurt again, but you’re spending so much time trying to hide if from me that you’re only making things worse.”

Very low, Gus said, “You have to try and understand that I need to do this my own way.”

“I do understand that.” Adam paused and then admitted, “But I can’t pretend that I’m not afraid that you’re going to shut me out completely as this gets worse. I guess hearing that you were letting Tommy in on some of the personal things in your life just made me feel more afraid that I was going to be left out of them.”

Gus’s gaze flickered up to his. “I’m not sure I can give you what you’re asking for.”

“Maybe not. But I just wanted you to know the truth. I guess I feel threatened by all the things that are hurting you right now. I can’t stop them and I can’t seem to help you and when you go home you’re really going to be alone; what is it going to be like for you then?”

Gus couldn’t face that particular subject, so he effectively ended the conversation by sliding in close to him so that Adam sighed and put his arms around his shoulders to hold him. Silently, Adam handed him back the remote and when Gus flicked around until he found an old movie, they just sat cuddled together without speaking while they both slowly relaxed again.

When it got late and Adam felt Gus’ head start to droop heavily on his shoulder, he gently tilted his face up and saw how thoroughly exhausted he was.

“Let’s go. You need some sleep.”

Gus was already so drowsy that he just left his eyes closed and let Adam lead him into the bedroom. Picking up the long, loose t-shirt he had worn for breakfast that morning, Adam tossed it over his shoulder and began unbuttoning the shirt Gus wore.

“Come on...change into something more comfortable.”

Eyes still closed, Gus didn’t move or say a word until Adam slid the shirt down over his shoulders, then he sighed and stepped forward so that he was close enough that he could just lift his head and kiss Adam.

It was brief, and more apologetic than inviting, but Adam still felt everything in him stir restlessly.

“You’re so good to me,” Gus murmured. “I’m sorry I made you so angry.”

“I’m not angry anymore,” Adam said quietly. “I’m just so worried about you.”

The dark green eyes opened and studied Adam’s face for a moment, and then Gus smiled sleepily.

“I’m fine when I’m with you.”

It was on the tip of Adam’s tongue to point out that that was exactly the problem...Gus wasn’t going to be with him much longer. But instead Adam just ran his hands down Gus’ arms and pushed the shirt off the rest of the way so it fell to the floor.

“Do you want to put this on?” he asked in a husky voice, indicating the t-shirt.

Gus shook his head. Without a word, Adam pulled it off his shoulder with one hand and dropped it, then bent his head to kiss Gus while the other hand reached down and pulled the comforter back on the bed.

Adam made love to him very, very slowly, focused on nothing but reassuring Gus of the strength his feelings with every touch and movement. Absolutely lost in all the conflicting emotions inside him, Gus just clung to Adam and let his body follow wherever Adam’s led.

When they were both exhausted, they curled up together and whispered softly back and forth until Adam fell asleep. Watching Adam’s face as he slept, suddenly too full of mixed feelings to sleep himself, Gus tried to reason with himself that Adam had every right to be a part of what he was going through. But after hours of agonizing over it, Gus ended up back where he had started...convinced that he had to keep Adam far enough away that he would never be able to see how completely out of control he was likely to get.

 

* * * *

Friday passed without incident, mostly because Adam kept clear of any subject that could have been considered even remotely contentious. Gus was alternately quiet and contrite for most of the day, although Adam managed to gently tease him into a livelier mood by the evening.

“So do you want to try this movie thing tonight?” Adam asked Gus as they were making another attempt to have spaghetti for dinner.

“I wasn’t really serious about that, Adam. I know that’s too complicated. I don’t feel like watching you get swarmed in a theatre, thanks very much.”

“What about a drive-in?”

Gus’ eyes widened. “Do you still have those down here?”

“A few. There’s actually a renovated one not too far from here. It’s gotten pretty popular with the teens.”

“I’ll just bet it has,” Gus said dryly. “I still say that the trend to compact cars was what killed the drive-ins in the first place. Since mini-vans and SUV’s came along, there’s suddenly a whole lot of new reasons to go.”

“So does that mean you’re interested?”

Gus grinned.  “Don’t you think we’re getting a little old for drive-in movies?”

“Double feature,” Adam said persuasively. “With cartoons.”

“Cartoons? Oh well then...count me in. Just stay out of the snack bar, okay?”

Timing it to arrive as close to dusk as possible, Adam let Gus drive through the gates while he tried to be as unnoticeable as possible in the passenger seat. When they found a parking spot in the back row, he made Gus get out.

“What for?” he said suspiciously.

“Just get out for a minute.”

When Gus reluctantly did as he was told, Adam folded both of the front bucket seats forward as far as they would go, and then got in the back, motioning Gus in so they could sit close together on the bench seat with an unobstructed view of the screen.

“You’re a clever guy,” Gus admitted, sliding closer. “And thank God for tinted windows.”

When Adam tried to kiss him during the cartoons, Gus gave him a shove.

“Excuse me, but that’s completely against the rules. Read the drive-in etiquette guidebook...absolutely no making out during this part.”

“Sorry,” said Adam ruefully. “When exactly is it allowed?”

“I’ll let you know.”

The first feature was the newest action movie, and Gus spent a lot of his time with his hands over his eyes during the death defying stunts.

“Don’t worry about it,” he chided Adam when he noticed Gus couldn’t watch any of the car chases. “Besides, the second movie is a chick-flick. You’ll have your hands over your eyes for most of that, I’m sure.”

“I’ll have to refer to that damn book you keep talking about,” Adam replied. “But I’m really hoping by that point that I’ll be able to have my hands over something else.”

During the intermission, Gus crept out for snacks. When he returned, Adam looked inquiringly at the single bucket of popcorn he carried.

“So where’s mine?”

“Here,” Gus said, handing Adam a drink.

“I mean popcorn.”

“We’ll share.”

“That’s nice of you. I don’t qualify for my very own?”

Gus looked at the size of the container and said in dismay, “Exactly how much popcorn can you eat?”

“Never mind...I’m joking,” Adam said, rolling his eyes. “Just get in before somebody sees you.”

When the opening credits for the second movie began to roll, Gus said casually, “By the way, I think all the restrictions are pretty well off now.”

“For what? Oh...yeah? Are you sure? I don’t want to get busted by the drive-in cops.”

“Don’t worry...I’ll pay the fine.”  
Gus’s earlier remark about larger vehicles notwithstanding, there wasn’t a whole lot that two amorous people could do in a backseat when one was over six-foot and the other wasn’t a whole lot shorter.

“Ouch,” said Adam, banging his head on the window. Giggling helplessly, Gus reached up and rubbed his hand through Adam’s hair.

“You do realize,” he remarked. “If by chance a TMZ reporter saw you come in here and happens to throw open a door and start taking pictures, that you and I are going to put several generations of his descendents through college?”

Without missing a beat, Adam just reached over to the driver’s side control panel and pushed the button to lock all the doors.

“No more excuses,” he said, pulling Gus back to him.

“You know what?” Gus said faintly a few minutes later. “This isn’t going to work no matter how creative you get.”

“Should we just go home?” Adam asked with his head on Gus’ shoulder, breathing heavily against his throat.

“What about the rest of the movie?”

“You mean you’re actually watching the movie?”

“Kind of.”

“Oh, that’s flattering,” Adam grumbled, sitting back. “No, I’m kidding. If you want, we’ll stay til the end.”

Tilting his head back on the seat, Gus smiled at Adam’s downcast expression. “I promise...I’ll make it up to you later.”

“How much later?”

Although Gus did manage to keep up with the general plot-line of the movie, he was repeatedly distracted by warm kisses and even warmer hands that kept wandering and making him think of other things. By the time the movie was over, he had given up trying to pay attention and was thoroughly involved in driving Adam crazy with his own approach to drive-in etiquette.

Since it would have been a little too obvious to sit for very long in a parking lot that was emptying rapidly, Adam eventually pushed Gus back and said through very clenched teeth, “I think we’d better go home.”

Gus nodded. They drove in relative silence, and when they arrived back at the house, Adam came around and opened Gus’ door with a smile and they walked into the house with their arms around each other.

“Is it later yet?” Adam whispered when they got into the kitchen.

“I think so,” Gus murmured softly.

“Want to have a glass of wine with me?”

Gus nodded, and brushed his hands lightly over the front of Adam’s shirt. “By the way, do you remember when you picked me up from shopping yesterday, and you asked me what I had in the bag?”

“Uh huh,” Adam said, suddenly intrigued.

“If you give me a few minutes, I’ll show you.”

Gus looked up at Adam and smiled and when pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose and whispered, “Don’t take too long,” Gus slipped out of his arms and disappeared down the hallway.

Adam took two wineglasses from the rack and pulled a bottle from the fridge. Locking up and switching off all the lights, he went into the bedroom where he could hear the sound of the bath already running next door. Trying to control his impatience, he put on the stereo and dimmed the lights and then sat up in bed with his head resting back against the headboard and his elbows on his knees. Closing his eyes, he listened to the music and tried stop his body from getting too far ahead of his imagination until Gus's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Um...how did we get from a glass of wine to a whole bottle?"

Adam rolled his head towards Gus and opened his eyes expectantly, somewhat disappointed that he couldn’t see him clearly for the deep shadows.

"Because we have all night ahead of us and we've got plenty of time to drink it," he said slowly. "And because I feel like getting a little wild with you tonight."

"That's an awfully big bottle. How wild are you thinking?"

"Come over here and find out."

Gus took a couple of steps forward until Adam could see him in the soft light and Adam caught his breath.

"Wow," he said after a moment.

To his surprise, Gus didn't glance away shyly like he usually did, but held Adam’s gaze very steadily, watching his expression change as he approached the bed and loving the way Adam’s eyes darkened.

"I was hoping you'd like this," Gus murmured.

His hair was still damp from the steam of the bath. He smoothed one hand down his waist to his hip and over his new underwear, noting how Adam’s eyes followed his movement before turning back up to his.

Gus wandered idly around to the end of the bed and crept up on it on his hands and knees. Crawling very slowly towards him, Gus let Adam have a good long look at him.

Adam stayed perfectly still, mesmerized, although he did have to force himself to relax the hand that was clutching his wineglass in a dangerously hard grip. When Gus got close enough that he could see nothing more than the remarkable color of Adam’s eyes, he kissed Adam, tasting wine and a whole lot of barely controlled desire.

“You look incredible,” Adam whispered. “So sexy.”

“You like it?”

Adam could only nod; Gus was tracing the curve of his mouth with his tongue.

“Good,” Gus whispered. Curling his legs underneath him and settling close to Adam’s side, Gus gently took the wineglass from Adam’s hand and drained it in a motion Adam found inexplicably provocative.

“I hope popcorn is the only thing you mind sharing,” Gus said very softly, holding the glass back out. “Well, come on...are we finishing this bottle or not?”

Silently Adam refilled it and they took turns sipping from the glass while simply staring at each other. Adam was having a hard time reconciling this sexy creature with the alternately frightened and furious man he’d encountered over the past two days, but couldn’t deny that he found the unpredictability oddly exciting.

Gus rested his temple against the headboard so their faces were very close and they murmured back and forth while the anticipation built up between them. Adam forced himself to sit still and not touch Gus beyond gently stroking one wrist with his fingertips. Gus kept his hands completely to himself, only tilting his head to kiss Adam and then gently pulling away when he responded. Adam was almost overwhelmed by the seductive fragrance of bath oil on very warm skin but only an occasional sharp breath signified his frustration.

"Do you remember last night?" Gus whispered.

"Which part?" Adam whispered back. "The fighting part or the making up part?"

"The making up part."

"Mmm...I remember it very well. Does your memory normally fade out on you like this when you drink? I can refresh it for you, if you’d like."

"It doesn't need refreshing. I remember everything about it."

"Oh yeah?” Adam’s words were mixed in with deep sighing breaths. “What do you remember?"

"I remember that you were very slow and sweet and incredibly gentle and it was wonderful..."

"But?"

"But..." Gus looked up at Adam from beneath lowered lashes, and murmured. “You’re not going to be like that tonight, are you?"

“No,” Adam said, and closed his eyes as Gus’ kiss tantalized him again. “I’ve already told you...I feel like getting a little wild with you tonight.”

By the time they had sipped and kissed their way through the fourth glass of wine, they were both feeling the dual buzz of intoxication and arousal. When Adam filled it yet again, a smile curved Gus’s mouth.

“You’re sure you want me that wild?” he said very softly.

Adam tilted the glass back up to Gus’ lips. “I want you as wild as I can possibly get you.”

Obediently, Gus swallowed. “It’s been a long time, but from what I remember, that’s pretty wild.”

“Good.”

“Don’t say you weren’t warned.”

“I think I can handle you.”

Feeling a sudden flush as the power of suggestion and a whole lot of alcohol abruptly went to his head, Gus blinked hard and had to put his hand on Adam’s bare chest for balance. Taking this as his cue, Adam set the glass aside.

“Woooh...” Gus said a bit breathlessly.

“What’s the matter?” Adam said, finally giving in to the urge to touch Gus and letting his hands wander up Gus’ arms. “Little dizzy, are we?”

“No...”

Adam put his hands gently around Gus’ neck and tipped his head back, kissing his throat and winding his fingers into Gus’ hair. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying,” Gus said, but the world was still spinning. “Look, you’ve had just as much to drink as I have.”

“No,” Adam murmured “I think you were taking bigger sips that I was.”

Gus closed his eyes and smiled. “We’ll see.”

“See what?”

“Who’s drunker than who.”

What followed was a long mutual exploration of skin with hands and lips and teeth, until they were both naked, driven too far to resist and they gave up trying.  Gus caught his hands in Adam's hair and pulled until Adam lifted his head from where he was nuzzling down Gus' waist. When Adam's face came up to hover over his, Gus felt Adam's desperate, half-angry penetration and moaned helplessly, unable to stop the way his body just began sliding and shifting under Adam.  

Instead of dulling his senses, it seemed to Adam that the alcohol had just exaggerated each sensation until he was completely out of control both physically and emotionally.  He was so far gone that it was only a matter of time before Gus pushed them both over the edge with husky, erotic promises and clutching hands, and the next thing he remembered was the two of them tangled hopelessly in sheets and blankets, unable to tell where one body ended and the other began, and feeling completely and utterly suffused with pleasure and love.

“Was that wild enough for you?” Gus asked, when he finally managed to get his bearings again.

“Wild.  Wicked. Wonderful.  I loved it.  I love you.” Adam lifted one hand to rub his eyes and had seemed to have trouble finding them.  “Oh my God, I’m so drunk.  How many glasses of wine did I have again?”

“I don’t remember.  But that was a very big bottle and now it’s empty.  We are going to feel like absolute hell in the morning.”

“Well, I feel pretty amazing right now.”  He shifted slightly to tuck Gus more closely against his side.  “The last time I got drunk was when you left to go home...and you told me off for it.  I think this is a much better reason.”

“That’s not going to be much consolation when we wake up.”

“So stay awake with me,” he whispered, but Gus' eyes were already heavy with sleep.  “Gus?”

“Hm?”

“What else did you bring home in that little shopping bag yesterday?”

“Tomorrow,” he promised, snuggling his head into the curve of Adam's shoulder.  “Tomorrow.”


	24. Chapter 24

"You're late." Isaac said peremptorily. "Not even fashionably late. Just plain late. _Did_ I or did I _not_ say lunch?"  
  
"Oh, don't say lunch," said Gus. "Please."  
  
Isaac leaned his face in to Gus' until they were sunglasses to sunglasses. "Are you actually in there?"  
  
"Not by much."  
  
He was still holding his front door open; peering out, he said, "Where's Adam?"  
  
"Last time I saw him he was sitting with his head on the steering wheel.  I think he's afraid to let go. Maybe you'd better go out and rescue him."  
  
He saw Isaac's eyebrows come up over the rim of his shades and then his curiosity got the better of him and he walked out to the driveway. Gus made his way carefully through the foyer, following the sound of voices until he passed the kitchen where he was abruptly waylaid by Tommy.  
  
"For God's sake, slow down," Gus wailed at him as Tommy towed him off into the pantry. "Speed kills, don't you know that?"  
  
When they were alone, he let go of Gus' arm and he slumped weakly against the nearest wall. Concerned, he reached out and pulled off Gus' sunglasses, took one look at his squinting, bleary eyes and sympathetically slid them back on.  
  
"Had a private party, did you?" he said, amused.  
  
"Oh, don't even joke about it. Come here. I am in serious need of a hug."  
  
He held his arms out, and Tommy backed up a couple of steps.  
  
"First things first," he said warily. "Is Adam likely to beat the hell out of me today, or not?"  
  
"For what? Oh. I'm sorry. I should have called you. You can relax. It wasn't what you thought...well, not exactly anyway."  
  
Tommy looked doubtful. "He got real ticked with me all of a sudden. I must have said something I shouldn't have."  
  
"Well, you mentioned that we went to Vail. You weren't supposed to know that."  
  
"Oh shit," he said, horrified. "I'm so sorry. What happened? You...uh, didn't tell him, did you?"  
  
"Of course not," he sighed and to ease Tommy's mind, Gus gave him a carefully expurgated version of his discussion with Adam, without describing how they had argued.  
  
Looking relieved, Tommy embraced him gently. "I was afraid I'd really gotten you in trouble. And I admit, my life's been flashing in front of my eyes since then. Friends or not, Adam would still beat the hell out of me if he knew what I'd done."  
  
"He won't find out from me," Gus murmured. "You and I are friends, and I won't let anything get in the way of that; and I've already made that very clear to Adam."  
  
"Still...he must wonder..."  
  
"Let him wonder. Stop worrying. He and I are fine. You and I are fine. I just figure I'm incredibly lucky to have you both in my life. Now...please find me somewhere to sit down, or you're going to have to start holding me up."  
  
Hooking one arm through Gus', Tommy kissed his forehead and walked him out to the backyard where everyone was congregated around the pool.  
  
He waved hello to Monte, Lisa and David, was hugged by both Anna and Sophia and then sank gratefully down on a chaise lounge where he drew some curious stares at his unusually subdued disposition.  
  
"Are you okay?" Anna asked him.  
  
"Who me? Oh sure." Gus leaned back and closed his eyes. "But damn, I think I need a chair without wheels. This one won't stop moving."  
  
Isaac appeared with Adam, whose sluggish movements clearly suggested he also wasn't feeling his best. Gus gave Adam a rueful smile and squeezed his hand as he sat gingerly down beside him and got his own share of perplexed looks from the rest of the group.  
  
"What the heck is wrong with you two?" said David.  
  
"You don't want to know," said Isaac, "But since I think Adam needs a little time to get himself together, we might as well go ahead and have lunch." Wandering over and flipping up the lid of a cooler full of cold drinks, he looked over his shoulder at Adam and Gus and asked evilly, "What can I get you to drink? Beer? Wine? Margaritas?"  
  
"Iced tea!" they both said immediately.  
  
"Why does that not surprise me?"  
  
Gus managed to cope quite well just sitting in the shade with his eyes closed behind his sunglasses, listening to the chatter of the others and occasionally throwing in a comment of his own. He felt sorry for Adam as he was hauled into the house with Monte and David for some business talk. But after an hour or so, when his head had stopped pounding quite so badly, he wandered in the house to get more ice and found Adam and the others in various degrees of slouch around the living room with paper and music and calendars scattered everywhere.  
  
Whatever they were discussing was obviously not going smoothly.  
  
Adam was slumped on the couch with his eyes closed, his head back and his arms stretched out along the top of the sofa.  
  
"I'm not saying you're wrong," he was muttering obstinately. "All I'm saying is your timing is off."  
  
Monte caught Gus's eye as he approached and looked up at the ceiling. Gus grinned sympathetically, and paused just for a second behind Adam to run his hand along his arm. Startled, Adam opened his eyes and Gus leaned over him with a smile.  
  
"Can I get you anything?"  
  
"No, thanks," Adam said softly, but tugged at his hand until Gus leaned close enough that Adam could kiss him. "And please don't look at me upside down like that. I've only just started to see everything right side up again."  
  
"Wasn't _my_ idea..." he murmured too low for anyone else's ears, then looked around at the others and asked, "Anybody else want anything?"  
  
He collected what he wanted from the kitchen and wandered back outside, unaware that Adam was watching him go and completely distracted from the conversation.  
  
"Yoo-hoo!" said David.  
  
"Fine," said Adam absently.  
  
David and Monte glanced at each other.  
  
"What's fine?" said Monte.  
  
"Let's settle things down with those bastards." When he glanced up and found they were staring at him, he said, "What? I'm agreeing with you."  
  
"Since when?" said Monte skeptically.  
  
"Since somebody just went by and put him in a better mood," David muttered, booting Monte in the leg and making shut-up faces. "So drop it, and for God's sake let's just put this shit behind us and move on to more important stuff, OK?"  
  
Several hours later, when they'd just about had enough anyway, others interrupted them by trooping back in and loudly complaining about being ignored. Gus was looking considerably brighter and perked up even more at the suggestion of food.  
  
"You should have had some lunch," said Isaac mockingly. "Then you wouldn't be quite so hungry."  
  
He shrugged good-naturedly. "I was told this was a barbecue. Since I'm not seeing any activity from the host, I figured I'd come in and offer my services as chef. Got anything you want badly charred?"  
  
He and Adam volunteered to do the cooking although they were banished to the far end of the patio when the breeze changed and the smoke from the barbecue started blowing back to where everyone else was sitting.  
  
"Hey, Gus!" Isaac said, coughing and waving. "You were kidding about burning dinner, weren't you?"  
  
He and Adam dragged the grill out of the way and spent the next twenty minutes arguing spiritedly over what needed to be flipped over when. At one particular point, when they finally agreed that nothing needed to be seasoned, poked, turned or otherwise attended to, Adam took the opportunity to put down the tongs and put his arms around Gus's waist, surprising him and making him giggle with a long, slow kiss.  
  
"Oh for God's sake," Isaac muttered to Monte as they stood watching from the other side of the yard. "Will somebody please go and stick a fork in him? I think he's done."  
  
At Monte's quizzical look, Isaac said in exasperation, "Just look at him. I don't think I've ever seen him so appallingly happy. It's nauseating, in a pathetic yet touching kind of way."  
  
"Has he said anything to you?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About his plans. Gus is going home tomorrow, isn't he?"  
  
"So Tommy says. Which is why I'm glad you talked today...before he gets so depressed that none of us can do anything with him."  
  
"That's what I mean. They've gotten so serious that I just wonder how much longer he's going to put up with Gus not being here."  
  
Isaac stared at Monte hard. "Are you suggesting he's thinking about what I _think_ you're suggesting he's thinking about?"  
  
"I'm not suggesting anything."  
  
"I think the more interesting question is...how long will Gus put up with _him_ not being around once we get busy again? He doesn't strike me as the 'see ya, honey...call me when you get back from the tour' type of boy, if you know what I mean."  
  
"No," Monte sighed. "He doesn't. So things are likely to get real interesting over the next couple of months, aren't they?"  
  
By the time Gus and Adam got back to his house, it was nearly two a.m. and Gus was already feeling down.  
  
"It was bad enough when I was going home _tomorrow_ ," he said morosely. "Now I'm going home _today_."  
  
"So, stop talking about it," Adam said and hooked one arm around his neck as they walked inside.  
  
"I should pack."  
  
"What do you have that you can't just leave here?"  
  
"I _am_ leaving stuff here."  
  
"Or you could send all your stuff home and _you_ could stay here..."  
  
"Don't tempt me. I feel bad enough as it is."  
  
Determined not to waste any of the remaining time, they curled up on the sofa together, doing their best to keep each other awake. Eventually, they just ended up exhausting one another so much instead that they both fell asleep, waking in a panic to find that it was morning and Gus was dangerously close to missing his flight.  
  
Adam insisted on driving Gus to the airport but at least the fact that he was running so late eliminated the pain of a lingering goodbye. When they screeched to a halt at the curb, Gus yanked off his seatbelt and turned to throw his arms around Adam's neck and hugged him.  
  
"I'll call you when I get home," he said shakily, and Adam just nodded and touched his cheek. When Gus reluctantly sat back, he felt Adam press something into his hand.  
  
He looked down at the little square box. "What's this?"  
  
"Don't open it until you get on the plane."  
  
"But what is it?"  
  
"Just something I want you to have. Hurry up. You're cutting it way too close."  
  
Gus didn't have to worry about controlling his curiosity for long, since he barely had enough time to gallop through Security and make it out the gate. But the moment he settled himself in his seat on the aircraft, he pulled the box from his pocket and stared at it for a moment with his heart in his throat. Then he unwrapped it and lifted the lid and the layer of cotton inside.  
  
On the soft lining underneath was a beautiful silver bracelet. Gus closed his eyes for a moment and then lifted it out. The surface of the bangle had a soft, burnished finish that was banded on each side with a delicate, patterned edge, and when he slipped it onto his wrist, it rested back against his hand and reflected light as it moved.  
  
There was a piece of paper tucked in the lid. Taking another emotional breath, Gus removed the note and unfolded it, blinking away the moisture in his eyes so he could make out the words.  
  
"Gus, I hope you like this. I wanted you to have something to remind you of me while you're away. Take a look on the inside. This was something Isaac said to me about us and it really stuck in my mind...he was absolutely right. I'll see you soon and I'll try not to miss you too much. Love, A."  
  
Gus slipped the bracelet back off. On the smooth inner surface was a tiny inscription:

_GH - True and deep stuff - AL_

* * * *

Gus wasn't the least bit surprised this time that Michelle showed up at the airport to meet him.  
  
"Where's Brian?" he asked in puzzlement.  
  
"Still terrorizing the rest of the kids at Sunday school, I imagine," Michelle said airily. "I'm trying to impress on the child that he's not the only little brat on the planet. He's going to be in for one heck of a shock if he ever has brothers and sisters."  
  
"Are you working on something I don't know about?" Gus asked with a smile.  
  
"Not on your life. Next time I get the urge to procreate, I'm going to get a puppy instead." Michelle took a good long look at Gus, noting the edginess underneath Gus's unmistakable luminescence but deciding not to mention it. "Okay...I'm sorry, but this time I have to say it...you _definitely_ glow."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"How hard to I have to dig to get the story out of you this time?"  
  
"Not very damn hard," Gus said quietly. "To be honest Michelle, I need to talk to you so badly I'm just about ready to scream. For God's sake, let's go find a diner with free refills on coffee and I promise, by the time I'm done, you'll be begging me to shut up."

* * * *

  
Michelle listened quietly and sympathetically to everything that her friend had to say, reacting only when Gus told her what had happened with Tommy.  
  
"He did _what_?" she said, outraged. "The little weasel!"  
  
"Michelle! It's not like that at all. He probably never would have said a word to me if it hadn't been for how things just happened to turn out that night. It broke my heart, thinking that I'd hurt him that way."  
  
"Still," Michelle said grimly. "You wait 'til I meet him. I'll set him straight about a few things."  
  
"You will not," Gus warned. "In fact, Tommy would probably just about die of embarrassment if you so much as mentioned it to him."  
  
"And you're still friends after this?"  
  
"We are. Aside from you, he's probably the best friend I've got. I know it sounds weird, but in a lot of ways Tommy understands me better than Adam does. Adam is too close sometimes. Tommy doesn't judge me. I can talk to him about anything, even things that Adam really can't understand."  
  
"I'm assuming Adam doesn't have a clue that Tommy has feelings for you?"  
  
"Well," Gus hesitated. "To be honest, I'm not sure what Adam knows. There have been a few times when...oh, never mind. I'm not ever raising the subject with him and I know Tommy would never mention it, so we can all just drop it, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Michelle said warily. "If you insist. So you and Adam went to Vail...that's good. I take it to mean that things are going well between you two?"  
  
Gus nodded. Michelle waggled her eyebrows until Gus smiled reluctantly.  
  
"Yes," he admitted.  
  
Michelle threw her napkin down on the table and leaned forward on her elbows. "All right. Humor me. I'm not ashamed to live vicariously."  
  
"Get stuffed," Gus said, without rancor.  
  
"Aw...come on. Can't I at least have a little detail?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Not even a rating on a scale of one to ten?"  
  
"No!" said Gus, starting to blush.  
  
"Will you at least tell me if he's any good?"  
  
"Michelle!" Gus had gone the color of the scarlet tablecloth, and he was looking wildly from side to side in case someone could have possibly overheard.  
  
"Wow," Michelle said, impressed. "That good, huh?"  
  
Short of crawling under the table, there was nowhere for Gus to go and finally he retorted, "Maybe _I'm_ the one that's good. Why does Adam get all the credit?"  
  
"Hey, I'm just pleased that things are working out for the two of you. You're happy...I can tell."  
  
Gus nodded and his face flushed again. "He makes me very happy."  
  
Michelle toyed with her bread roll. "So what happens now?"  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Plans, baby, plans. What are your plans?"  
  
Gus heaved a sigh. "First, get this fundraiser over with. Second, get the damn trial over with. Third, get a job. Then...I don't know."  
  
"Whoa," Michelle protested. "You didn't mention Adam's name at all in that list."  
  
"He's coming up for the fundraiser."  
  
"That's good. What about the trial?"  
  
Gus's face hardened. "New topic please."  
  
"Oh. I don't like the sound of that."  
  
"I don't care. Don't start with me. New topic."  
  
Michelle rolled her eyes. "Fine. But what are the two of you planning from now on? Haven't you made some kind of commitment?"  
  
Gus's gaze went to the bracelet on his wrist. "The commitment is the easy part. It's the logistical details that we're having the trouble with." Giving himself a shake, he dumped some sugar into his cup of coffee and continued, "At the end of next month he has to go to Europe to start recording the new album. He'll be away three or four weeks, depending on how it goes. Then there's postproduction, then he's back in the US for promotions and once the album's released, he'll start to tour. I've seen the preliminary schedule...it's ugly. When they call it a 'world tour', they aren't kidding."  
  
"Are you going with him?"  
  
"And do what? Hang out backstage? I'd be bored out of my mind after about six shows. And besides, no matter how much money I have stashed for a rainy day...sooner or later I'm going to have to become gainfully employed again."  
  
"So...you're just not going to see him at all?"  
  
"I didn't say that. I'll see him whenever I can. Whenever he's in the same hemisphere. But the reality of it is that he won't be...much. If you'll remember, that was one of the things I was concerned about way back when this joyride started and _you_ were the one blowing it off. Now _I've_ got to deal with it."  
  
"There's got to be a way," Michelle said stubbornly.  
  
"Don't think we're not trying. But it's not going to be easy. And this is depressing the hell out of me. Can we talk about something else?"  
  
"How long will he be here for when he comes up?"  
  
"Just over the weekend. He's coming in the day before the fundraiser."  
  
Gus went back to listlessly pushing his food around on his plate while Michelle eyed the top of her friend's head. After a moment's silence, Michelle said, "I'm sorry, Gus but I have to ask. I know that with Ted running the trial it's going to be especially tough on you. Adam will be here, won't he?"  
  
"Over my dead body."  
  
"Why, for God's sake?"  
  
"Why?" Gus set his cutlery down a little harder than was necessary. "Do you even have to ask? You know all the crap that this is going to bring up for me. I want to keep him out of it. Completely."  
  
Michelle snorted. "I can't believe he's okay with that."  
  
"What makes you think I'm giving him the option?"  
  
"Oh, shit Gus...that's not fair to either of you."  
  
"Excuse me? What about all the publicity? It's going to be enough of a circus with the department and the Mayor's office trying to drum up PR. And you want me to drop a rockstar in the middle of that?"  
  
"I'm not suggesting you sit him in the front row in the courtroom. But he should at least be in town..."  
  
"No."  
  
"You're going to need him here."  
  
"Well, I'm just going to have to do without him. Besides, I've got you."  
  
"No offense," Michelle snapped. "But I'm going to have my own issues to deal with. And I've already been through this nightmare with you once before. It would be nice if you could have somebody else to hold your hand for a change."  
  
That silenced Gus temporarily.  
  
Michelle sat back and crossed her arms. "Don't get me wrong. I will do whatever I can for you. And if Ted needs to have his ass kicked at any particular point in time, you can definitely count on me to handle it. But you need help with this that I can't give you. And if you shut Adam out, you're going to be hurting him, not just yourself."  
  
Gus glared. "Gee, thanks for the pep talk," he said sourly.  
  
Michelle shoved her chair back and stood up. "You're welcome. You're so damn welcome that you can pay the bill. And since I'm suddenly in desperate need of some fresh air, you can just take your time and meet me in the car when you're done."

* * * *

  
Gus stopped at home only long enough to retrieve his cat from his neighbor and call Adam. More bothered by his discussion with Michelle than he wanted to admit, he nearly found himself crying when Adam answered the phone and had to think fast to cover his emotion.  
  
"The bracelet is beautiful...thank you," he said tremulously and then smiled when Adam scolded him for being too sentimental.  
  
" _I'm_ sentimental?" he said incredulously. _"You're_ the biggest softie I've ever met in my entire life."  
  
"I miss you."  
  
"See...here he goes."  
  
"Well, I do."  
  
"You're not going out to get drunk with Isaac again, are you?"  
  
"No!" he said firmly. "From now on the only person I'm getting drunk with is you. You definitely make the hangover worthwhile."  
  
"I think everybody was really wondering about us last night."  
  
"No, I think they were just wondering about _me._ I'm supposed to be mature and sensible here."  
  
"Sensible?" he teased. "Maybe. Mature? Definitely. But that's all right. I like my men mature."  
  
"Men? Plural?"  
  
"Okay... _man_. Don't get uptight. You're the only person in my life and you know it."  
  
In the afternoon, Gus spend time at the hospital with Jack, who was clearly pleased to see him and ignored his wife's warning frowns just long enough to apologize to Gus about the trial.  
  
"I really do think that Ted is the best person to handle this," he said gently, noting Gus's sudden distress. "But I know it's going to make things much harder for you. I'll do whatever I can to help you out."  
  
"You're not going anywhere near that courtroom," his wife said grimly.  
  
Gus nodded. "Marissa's right. You've already done enough for me. I'm not thrilled about this...you know I'm not...but I can handle things from here. You just concentrate on getting yourself out of here and getting yourself better."  
  
"By the way," Marissa said, deliberately changing the subject. "Our daughter just about had a fit when she heard that you're...uh, I mean...when she heard who you've been spending your time with lately."  
  
"Yeah, I thought she might be," Gus said with a smile.  
  
"She'll be furious that she missed you today."  
  
"You tell her we'll get together and I'll tell her about it, okay? Poor kid...she could probably use a diversion. I'll bet she's been out of her mind over all of this."  
  
When Jack began to tire, Gus made his excuses and slipped out. Deep in thought as he waited for the elevator, he was caught completely flat-footed when he got in and found himself trapped with a teenage candy-stripper who just happened to be reading the latest gossip magazine and whose jaw nearly hit the floor when she saw who was riding with her.  
  
It only rattled Gus even more, to his extreme annoyance. Trying to be as polite as possible, he made a quick getaway and took a cab home. There was a long string of messages waiting for him and he immediately threw himself back into the work on the fundraiser to keep his mind from wandering. Before bed he spent an hour on the phone with Adam but found that the sound of his voice only amplified his depression over exactly how long it would be before he'd see Adam again. As a result, he could only manage a light, restless sleep and it was no surprise when he was shocked awake in the middle of the night by another penetrating nightmare.  
  
He had nearly pulled all the covers off the bed in his distress. He lay for several long minutes in the dark, absolutely frozen by horrible mental images and unable to even force himself to sit up to put on the light. Most distressing was the first few minutes of half-consciousness when he instinctively rolled over in search of comfort from Adam and was abruptly reminded that he was no longer in California. He was so badly shaken that he even toyed with the idea of phoning Adam but had to force himself to admit that calling him in such a state at three o'clock in the morning would only send him into a panic.  
  
When he had calmed himself a little, he got up. He knew from experience that going back to sleep was out of the question and that his only hope was to find some kind of diversion to take his mind off the memories. As a result, he resumed the half-forgotten ritual of the months after his accident...sitting alone through the night in front of the television, too exhausted to stay awake another minute yet simply too terrified to go back to sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

Michelle had no luck in changing Gus’s mind about the trial although she persisted in her arguments until Gus completely blew up at her and told her to mind her own bloody business. Moodily, Michelle let it go but she didn’t like the way that Gus was already blocking things out and she had visions of things getting much, much worse as the court date approached.  
  
Gus, using the pressures of the fundraiser as his excuse, flatly refused to deal with anything regarding the trial. He faxed Ted’s office a terse note outlining his schedule and indicating that he was not available for any meetings until after the gala. This prompted an angry message from Ted on his voice mail at home, pointing out that he needed to make himself available to sit down with him so he had some time to review him testimony and plan how he would work with it. Ted made the mistake of adding a short and very condescending explanation of the whole point of the criminal pre-trial process, which got him an even angrier voice mail in return.  
  
“I do have some experience with criminal law, thank you,” Gus snapped. “And I also know that you already have enough information from my original statements to do ninety percent of your preparations without me. Any good lawyer could prosecute this case with the evidence that’s already on record, so you’re just going to have to wait until I have enough time to spare.”  
  
He spent long hours at Task Force office working with Frankie and grumbling about the fact that the Board had still not selected his replacement. Eventually, he lost his temper and phoned the Mayor directly.  
  
“This is asinine stupidity,” he complained to the Mayor. “You can’t go into this fundraiser without a Chairperson’s name on the letterhead. It makes us look like we don’t know what we’re doing.”  
  
“ _Us? We_?”  
  
“All right. You. And the rest of the Board. Just because I’m not directly involved anymore doesn’t mean I’m not interested in the well-being of the project.”  
  
“We’re considering some candidates,” he replied. “If all goes well, we’ll be able to make an announcement at the gala.”  
  
“Are you going to let me in on this little secret?”  
  
“It’s confidential at this point,” he said smoothly.  
  
Gus ground his teeth. The man never failed to aggravate him. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”  
  
“I hadn’t thought about it that way, Gus…but now that you mention it, yes. Yes, I am.”

 * * * *

  
By the time Gus got home most nights, he was too exhausted to do anything but fall into bed, although sleep came uneasily and was interrupted more often than not by jerking awake at the edge of another dream. He found that it usually helped to talk to Adam right before he fell asleep, but when he had to go to New York as a promotion for the new video, their schedules got completely out of whack and they did nothing but play telephone tag for four straight days.  
  
Finally, on Sunday afternoon Adam managed to catch him at home and Gus lay curled up on the sofa for almost two hours as they talked and brought each other up to date on their lives.  
  
“Did you get your MRI results?” Adam prodded after giving Gus plenty of opportunity to bring up the subject on his own. “Come on. Spit it out.”  
  
“I had an appointment on Thursday,” he admitted.  
  
“And?”  
  
“And there’s good news and bad news.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“The fragments in my back have actually moved a couple of centimeters farther away from my spinal column than they were on the last MRI.”  
  
“Great. And what’s the bad news?”  
  
“Actually that’s the good news and the bad news.”  
  
“Huh? How can it be bad if the fragments are farther away?”  
  
Gus slouched a little farther down on the sofa. “Because this is the third MRI in a row where they’ve been in slightly different spots. They’re moving around a little too much. Sooner or later, they’re going to move the wrong way and start to really interfere with the nerves.”  
  
Adam was quiet for a moment.  
  
“So what exactly does that mean?”  
  
“It means…nothing, really. Everything still stands. The doctor gave me the usual ‘you might want to think about surgery’ speech and I asked him what the odds were of it being successful and he had to admit that they aren’t any better than the last time he gave me the ‘you might want to think about surgery’ speech, so I told him I wasn’t interested.”  
  
“Is there anything else you can do?”  
  
“From what he said, just take the usual precautions. No contact sports, avoid strenuous activity, don’t get too rambunctious with the boyfriend…that kind of stuff.”  
  
“He _said_ that?”  
  
“Well, I don’t think he was making a reference to you personally…it’s just a general recommendation.”  
  
“But…” Adam was aghast. “For God’s sake, Gus…could that actually be a _problem_?”  
  
“Will you calm down?  
  
“Will you answer the question?”  
  
“Adam, tripping over the _cat_ could be enough to cause those splinters to shift. I have no problem being reasonable about taking care of myself, but I’m not going to get paranoid about it. I shouldn’t have said anything…now you’re going to be paranoid about it.”  
  
Adam was still blinking on the other end of the phone. “I just never thought…I just assumed the worst it could do was aggravate the pain in your back…I never realized there was any serious risk of hurting you.”  
  
“It’s not serious.”  
  
“It’s not? I think I look at it a little differently.”  
  
“All right. You’re over-reacting. Time to change the subject.”  
  
That was the end of the conversation as far as Gus was concerned, although he was left with the distinct impression that the subject was going to come up again at a later date.  
  
The coldness between Gus and Michelle continued for nearly a week until they both grudgingly defrosted. To be honest, they both found it so distressing to be at odds with one another that they both simply abandoned their disagreement, although Gus had so little free time that they simply weren’t able to arrange any time to get together.  
  
His schedule got wilder as the days progressed, so he was secretly relieved one morning when a lunch meeting was unexpectedly cancelled and he was able to sneak in to the Task Force office to catch up on a few things with Frankie.  
  
The receptionist looked rattled. “She’s in a meeting.”  
  
“Fine,” Gus sighed. “Then if you don’t mind, I’ll just borrow your fax machine and photocopier.”  
  
He was putting everything back in his briefcase, when Frankie appeared, looking nearly as disconcerted as the receptionist.  
  
“What’s _with_ you people?” Gus said curiously. “I thought I was the only uptight one around here.”  
  
Frankie shrugged. “It’s just been a crazy day.”  
  
“Tell me about it. Look, I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I think you’ve got my list of the sponsors that have to go on the banner for the front entrance.”  
  
“Sure,” Frankie said, absently. “It’s on my desk.” They were halfway back down the hallway, when she suddenly changed direction and said hurriedly, “Actually, I think it’s in the conference room. Stay here…I’ll grab it for you.”  
  
She vanished, leaving Gus open-mouthed. Shaking his head, he continued out into the lobby and was so busy looking at his watch that he ran smack into the woman who was coming out of Frankie’s office.  
  
“Oh…hi.” said Michelle. She stopped dead and her mouth opened and closed at least twice before she managed to force a smile. “I was looking for you.”  
  
“Hey!” Gus said, delighted to see her. “You’re lucky you caught me. I was supposed to have a meeting this morning…actually, I could have sworn I told you about that…but things got all screwed up. But never mind; I was thinking exactly the same thing.”  
  
“What’s that?” Michelle said blankly.  
  
“Lunch.”  
  
“Lunch?”  
  
“Lunch.” Gus was beginning to wonder if everybody in the building was having blonde moments. “You stopped by to take me to lunch. Didn’t you?”  
  
“I did,” Michelle said, brightening. “Yes. Lunch. I...I’d completely forgotten about your meeting. I guess we’re both lucky it got cancelled.”  
  
Gus looked back at his watch. “Well, I’ve got another meeting at two, so if we’re going, let’s go.”  
  
Frankie reappeared, looking more flustered than before, and handed Gus the papers he was looking for.  
  
“You look like you could use a lunch break too,” Gus observed. “You’re looking a little too stressed. Get out for an hour or so and try and unwind a bit.”  
  
“I will,” she said lamely. “Thanks.”  
  
Gus gave her one last puzzled look then shrugged and went out through the door as Michelle stood and held it open. Before she followed Gus out, Michelle glanced back at Frankie with a sigh and they both rolled their eyes at each other.  
  
In the last couple of days before the fundraiser, Gus’s nervousness hit an all-time high. There was no denying that things were going well, but as the clock ticked down, the amount of pressure on him simply skyrocketed. Frankie did her best to handle what she could but Gus still took the brunt of it all, including the mounting curiosity from the public as the event was publicized. The fact that Adam was due to arrive the evening before the gala had become the only sane point of focus in his panicked schedule, but even that anticipation only added to his agitation.  
  
Much Music had been more than generous with the staff and the air-time they donated, although Gus was subjected to some pretty pointed questions from them as the fundraiser grew nearer.  
  
He had several meeting with the V.J. who had volunteered to be the host for the evening. Jesse was helpful and enthusiastic in the extreme although he also spent a great deal of his time with Gus grilling him for information on his relationship with Adam.  
  
It didn’t help that Adam had done as he had told Gus he would, and given his publicists permission to refer to his relationship with Gus as official and serious. As Jesse pointed out quite reasonably, there was no need to be so secretive about it any longer.  
  
“It’s not about secrecy,” Gus scolded him. “It’s about privacy. There’s a difference.”  
  
Jesse looked back at him so innocently that all Gus could do was shake his fist at him ruefully and add, “This fundraiser has nothing to do with Adam. I want people to give it the attention it deserves because it’s an important cause…not because of my relationship with him. I’ve told you…keep him out of it.”  
  
“Okay, so he’s not involved. But will he be here? I would have at least thought that he’d would make an appearance to offer moral support.”  
  
“Maybe he’s busy.”  
  
“Is that a yes or a no?”  
  
He sighed. “All right. You want a comment? Here’s my comment. ‘Since I will be working in my capacity as coordinator during the entire evening, I will not have any personal time, and therefore I will not be accompanied by a date or an escort or by anybody else.’ Got it?”  
  
It had been Adam who had actually given him the idea. Although Gus very much wanted him to be there, Gus wasn’t at all sure how he was going manage to balance all of his responsibilities that night. When Adam joked about Michelle needing a date for the fundraiser, it suddenly occurred to Gus that it would be a perfect solution to his problem.  
  
Michelle was less enthusiastic at first.  
  
“Are you suggesting I’m not capable of getting my own date?”  
  
“You told me yourself that you weren’t bringing anyone.”  
  
“Well…yes. So? It’s going to be an emotional night for me in a lot of ways. I just figured I’d do better solo.”  
  
“Come on Michelle. Do this for me. I’m going to be swamped. If Adam can come with you, I won’t be so damn worried about him.”  
  
After a few minutes of contemplation, Michelle said slyly, “Can I make flippant, off-the-cuff remarks to the press?”  
  
“Be my guest,” said Gus with relief. “Besides, would it make any difference if I said no?”  
  
Adam found the whole idea very amusing.  
  
“Let me get this straight. You’ve invited me to go with you and now you’re putting in a substitute?”  
  
“Adam, I’m going to be at the club all day. I’ll be lucky if I can even find time to get myself and change …if I have to worry about coming home and getting you…”  
  
“I’m kidding. It’s a good idea. Whatever works best for you…I know you’re going to have a lot on your mind. Have you told anybody I’m coming?”  
  
“No. In fact I’m deliberately trying to give the impression that you’re not. But be prepared. Michelle is irreverent at the best of times. She’ll make short work of any reporter who asks her a stupid question or makes a smart remark, although I’ve asked her to try not to do anything to embarrass you too much.”  
  
“Oh, how comforting. By the way, can I stay with you or would you rather I went to a hotel?”  
  
“That’s a stupid question.”  
  
“Not if it’s going to cause you problems. Once word gets out that I’ve come into town to see you, you may end up with press around your house. Or fans.”  
  
Gus sighed. “I hadn’t thought of that. Look, we’ll worry about it when you get here, okay? For now, I’m planning for you and Jeremy to stay at my place. If we have any problem, we’ll improvise.”  
  
“You could come and stay with me at a hotel…”  
  
Gus smiled. “That’s a possibility. But I’d like you to stay with me. You’ve never seen my place.”  
  
“No,” Adam agreed. “I wasn’t invited in the last time I was there.”  
  
“Hey,” Gus said, indignant. “You had a bus to catch.”  
  
“True. Does that mean I would have been invited in?”  
  
“I hardly knew you,” Gus said primly. “I don’t invite men in when I hardly know them.”  
  
“You just kiss them?”  
  
“You kissed _me._ You even asked permission.”  
  
“I don’t remember it being quite as one-sided as that. I could swear somebody was kissing me back.”  
  
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it. I just said I didn’t start it.”  
  
“Oh believe me…you started a whole lot of things that night.”  
  
“And look where it got me. With a boyfriend I have to smuggle into town and hide the entire time he’s here. All right, stop,” he added when he could hear Adam warming up for another retort. “All I care about is that you’ll be here. I don’t know how I’ve made it through the last couple of weeks without you and I think I’m going to go stark raving nuts if I don’t see you soon.”

* * * *

  
"Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
Gus kept staring at Frankie expectantly. "Because I'm waiting for the 'April Fools' part, or the 'just kidding' part, or the part where you say, 'it's okay...I'm just trying to wind you up even more than you already are..."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
Gus closed his eyes. "I didn't figure you were. You're not inclined towards that kind of mental cruelty."  
  
"He said he'll be here as soon as he possibly can, but face it...that could be a couple of hours."  
  
"A couple of hours we don't have," Gus groaned. "All right, time for emergency measures. Go get me the Tylenol. The really big bottle."  
  
"And what do we do until he gets here?"  
  
"I'm thinking...I'm thinking. Er...how are you with technical things?"  
  
"I can't even program my TiVo."  
  
Gus looked at his watch and sighed. "All right, look...it's almost one o'clock anyway. I know everybody just got here, but send them all for lunch, okay? That will buy us an hour or so. In the meantime, you and I will redo the rehearsal schedule and...what the hell is that?"  
  
Frankie cocked her head towards the uproar. "It's just the kids warming up."  
  
"Warming up for _what_? Mardi Gras? What's with all the shouting? If they keep that up none of them will have any voices left."  
  
"They're all pretty hyped."  
  
"Well, let's go and un-hype them. If they can't rehearse for two hours, I do not want to listen to that racket the whole time."  
  
There was so much noise and confusion backstage that he practically had to shout to make himself heard.  
  
"Will you all please _shut up_? Come on guys...I know you're all excited but you have _got_ to settle down a bit."  
  
"Sorry," said a voice behind him. "I think that's my fault."  
  
Mouth open, Gus spun around and stared. Adam grinned back.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"Probably going to be a little harder to un-hype them now, huh?" said Frankie.  
  
Gus grabbed Adam by the arm and marched him off to one side, oblivious to the fact that he was in the middle of signing an autograph. "What are you doing here?" he hissed. "Your plane's not due for hours. I told you I'd meet you at the airport."  
  
"I got an earlier flight. I seem to remember you did the same thing once to surprise me. I thought it was a cool idea so here I am. And if you don't mind me saying so, this is where you're supposed to say how great it is to see me."  
  
"It is," Gus said flustered, and kissed his cheek. "Please tell me you haven't come here by yourself."  
  
"Relax, dear. Jeremy's right over there."  
  
"How on earth did you find the place?"  
  
"Taxi driver."  
  
He was still shaking his head. "You'll have to forgive me...I'm in the middle of a crisis here and I just...I never thought...well, I wasn't expecting...oh, forget it. It is great to see you."  
  
He hugged Adam hard and then he had a brainwave.  
  
"Uh oh," Adam said, catching his sudden contemplative look. "What have I done now?"  
  
"Nothing...yet. But you might be able to help me."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Can you run a sound board?"  
  
He looked insulted. "Are you kidding?"  
  
"That's what I thought. Come with me." He towed Adam off through the crowd of kids. "Okay everybody, leave him alone. You can all talk to him later. Right now, he's busy."  
  
To Adam he said, "I happen to be short one sound engineer at the moment. He was on his way in and ended up stuck behind a tractor-trailer full of sand that has rolled over on the highway. He won't be here for a couple of hours and there's no way I can hold up rehearsals for that long."  
  
When they reached the booth, Gus shoved a clipboard at Adam. "I really don't care about the cues...we did go through this once yesterday, and I'm pretty sure Martin has all of that worked out. All I need is sound, preferably semi-balanced sound, so at least the kids hear what they sound like. Most of them don't have much experience with microphones, so they're still getting the hang of things."  
  
By this time, they had attracted a contingent of club staff and task force volunteers, all of whom were hovering within visual range, trying to get a closer look at Adam while trying desperately to appear like they weren't the least bit interested. Gus glared at them all crossly.  
  
"We do have work to do around here, you know. Christine, are you the stage manager or not? Then go and manage the stage, will you? How about hunting down whoever is first on the list and getting them out here to rehearse?"  
  
Gus's method for recruiting amateur acts for the fundraiser had been simple. From his experience with the Take Back the Streets campaign, he knew there were a great number of very talented kids living on the streets without any kind of organized outlet to express their creativity and very little self-esteem to motivate them to find a way. He wheedled some favors from a handful of his old campaign contacts and had them run a number of informal auditions using other street kids as adjudicators. Once some of the most talented kids had been rounded up, he paired them off with other groups of very gifted teens from some of the local arts schools, giving many of the street kids their first opportunity ever to work with real-live bands and arts teachers.  
  
He told Christine to run one of the dance rehearsals first, since it had recorded music and it would give Adam a chance to get familiar with the equipment. When they got to the second act, a live high school band backing up a group of street kids on vocals, Gus sat down on the edge of the stage to watch and was nearly blown off his seat by resounding feedback from the left hand monitors.  
  
"Sorry," called Adam.  
  
"Ouch," said Gus, banging one palm against his ear. "God, it's hard to get good help these days."  
  
They managed to get in a good hour of rehearsal before Martin arrived, out of breath and apologetic. When he saw who was running his soundboard, he came completely unplugged himself.  
  
"It's a very long story," said Gus. "I'll tell you later."  
  
He left Christine and Frankie in charge and motioned for Adam to follow him, leading him backstage and into one of the tiny dressing rooms. Like an amiable shadow, Jeremy trailed along behind and stood outside to deflect the curious.  
  
Gus hitched himself up on one of the counters against the mirrored wall, closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. Getting his first good look at Gus since he arrived, Adam didn't much like what he saw. Now that Gus was out of the view of the rest of the fundraiser staff, he had dropped his all-business demeanor and was looking drawn and tired. But after a moment, he opened his eyes and gave Adam a breathtaking smile.  
  
"Thanks for your help. I owe you one."  
  
"You're welcome. And, yes you do. You can start by saying hello properly."  
  
When Adam came to stand in front of him, Gus hung his arms around his neck and leaned his head wearily against Adam.  
  
"Oh, don't do that," he groaned when Adam rubbed his aching back. "Unless you want me to be in here all day."  
  
"Hurts?"  
  
"A little. I've been standing too long, I guess."  
  
"And you're pretty wound up." He moved his hands up to Gus' shoulders and massaged the muscles that were so tightly knotted there.  
  
"Mmm," he said and then straightened up, looking seriously distracted. "Okay, you need to cut that out."  
  
"Aw, come on," Adam said straight-faced. "I haven't had a boy drag me into the dressing room for a long time." When Gus scowled at him, he said gently, "You could at least kiss me. I've missed you."  
  
"How is that supposed to be less distracting than you giving me a massage?" he sighed, but turned his face up and drew Adam in a little closer. "I've missed you too."  
  
To Adam's credit, he only kissed Gus gently and it was Gus who prolonged it by wiggling closer until he nearly slipped off the edge of the counter.  
  
"You do realize," he murmured. "That by dropping by here like this you have completely blown your cover."  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."  
  
"You are not. But given that about twenty-five kids saw you come in and probably twenty-four of them have cell phones, I doubt there's a teenager in the Greater-Toronto area that doesn't know you're here by now. And God help us if one of them decides to call Much. I've spent the last seventy-two hours leading Jesse up the garden path about you _not_ being here..."  
  
"Would it be easier for you if I go?"  
  
"No...hang around if you'd like. I've already told Frankie to put somebody on the doors to make sure nobody gets in unless they're supposed to. I was a bit worried that having you around would distract everybody, but they all actually seem to be really focused. I think they're trying to impress you. If I'd known they'd be so conscientious with you here, I'd have flown you in three days ago."  
  
"If there's anything else you want help with, tell me."  
  
Gus was still leaning against him, head down on Adam's shoulder and his eyes closed. "Just stick close. I may feel the need to do this again shortly."  
  
Adam tightened his embrace and kissed the top of his head. "You seem really tired. Are you sure you're doing okay?"  
  
"Stop worrying. You're worse than Michelle."  
  
After a moment Adam stepped back and took Gus' hands and for the first time, noticed the bracelet on his wrist.  
  
"That looks great on you," he said softly, touching it with one finger.  
  
"I think so too," Gus said just as softly. "I love it."  
  
He turned his face back up and kissed Adam again until they were interrupted by Jeremy, who opened the door a crack and discreetly cleared his throat.  
  
"Gus?"  
  
"Never heard of him," he said loudly.  
  
"Frankie is looking for you."  
  
"Story of my life," Gus grumbled. "Tell her I'll be there in a minute." Very reluctantly he pulled away and hopped down off the counter, wincing as he straightened his spine. Looking up and catching Adam watching him speculatively, Gus rolled his eyes at him.  
  
"I said stop worrying. I'm fine."  
  
Although the rest of the afternoon went relatively smoothly, Gus was so tired and sore by the time rehearsals were done that he couldn't think of anything beyond food, a bath and a bed. Rummaging up one last bit of energy, he called the group together for one final pep-talk before he let them go.  
  
Adam hung around in the background during all of this, progressively more bothered by the fact that Gus was limping and seemed to be in considerable discomfort. When he had been standing for nearly ten minutes in the middle of the stage answering questions and reviewing changes in the schedule, his patience ran out and he grabbed one of the folding chairs from against the wall and walked out to Gus with it.  
  
Gus looked at him blankly.  
  
With a sigh, Adam just put the chair down for Gus and pointed to it. "Just sit, will you?"  
  
Gus sat but to get back at Adam, he wrapped up his little speech and then said loudly, "Okay, now I want to talk to Frankie and Christine and Martin. The rest of you can buzz off and I'm sure that Adam would just love to stand around and talk to you all until I'm done."  
  
He shrugged good-naturedly. He spent the next forty minutes or so signing autographs and answering questions backstage until Gus reappeared and waved his hands for silence.  
  
"That's it. I want everybody out of here. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day, so please everybody, take it easy tonight and get some rest. Frankie has printed out copies of the schedule...and yes, there are more last minute changes...so please pick one up on your way out. Pay special attention to the time you're supposed to be here, and don't be late." He pointed to the back entrance. "Now; everybody get lost."  
  
Everybody obediently trooped out but within minutes Frankie had to come to warn Gus that the street outside was crowded with fans.  
  
He looked accusingly at Adam.  
  
"Sorry," he said.  
  
Since the back door was surrounded just as effectively as the front, they took their chances and dodged out the main entrance into a waiting cab. Seeing the look on Gus's face at the uproar he'd caused, Adam began to regret that he'd ever shown up unannounced.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Gus sighed, when Adam tried to apologize. "You're here...that's all that matters."  
  
When they arrived at her condo, he stopped in the lobby only long enough to give the doorman a heads-up.  
  
"Not a problem," Len said cheerfully. "I can play dumb with the best of them. I won't give you away."  
  
Greeting them inside the door of Gus's suite was one very indignant cat whose expression indicated that he felt it was way past a reasonable dinner hour. But at the sight of unexpected visitors, he retreated under the sofa until all that showed was a pair of glowing green eyes warily observing the newcomers.  
  
"Come out, you big suck," Gus said, dropping his briefcase on the couch and stooping down to try and retrieve him. It was a mistake; his back objected strenuously and he had to grab the arm of the sofa to keep his balance.  
  
"All right, that's enough," Adam said grimly, lifting Gus gently back to his feet. "You need to stop. _Now_. I can meet the famous feline some other time."  
  
"He's just shy," Gus said, wincing.  
  
"I don't give a damn about the cat, Gus. I want you to stop. Sit down and relax. Please."  
  
"In a minute," he said stubbornly. "Just let me do my host thing, okay?"  
  
He showed Jeremy into the study at the far end of the suite, where he'd pulled out the big sofa-bed and moved in his spare television and DVD Player.  
  
"Exactly how many DVDs do you own?" he asked in amazement, staring at the selection Gus'd put out for his use.  
  
"Believe me," he replied. "When you spend three months in a wheelchair, you watch a lot of movies. And getting out to rent them is a bit tricky. So I just stocked up."  
  
Despite Jeremy's declaration that he planned to try and keep completely out of the way, Gus made sure he knew where everything was in the kitchen and insisted that he make himself completely at home.  
  
"I went grocery shopping for the two of you," he pointed out ruefully. "For the first time in weeks. And there's no way I can possibly eat it all, so you'd better help yourself and dig in."  
  
He was leaning too heavily against the doorframe. Looking him up and down, Jeremy crossed his arms and remarked, " _I'll_ be just fine. _You_ need to take it easy. And don't give me that look. Remember, I've seen you like this once before."  
  
Gus got a black look from both of them when he suggested he'd cook dinner. Adam picked up the phone and tossed it to him.  
  
"Try ordering pizza," he said flatly.  
  
"But..."  
  
Adam glared. Gus dialed.  
  
"Now," he said. "Sit down."  



	26. Chapter 26

“I’ll take it easy,” Gus agreed finally. “Come out on the balcony with me.”  
  
Once outside he deliberately ignored the patio chair Adam held out for him and took his hand, drawing him over to the railing where they could stand and look out over the city in the early dusk.  
  
“I wish you’d sit down. Do you know how badly you’re limping?” he scolded but couldn’t find the motivation to object any further when Gus stepped in against him and Adam was able to really hold him for the first time since he’d arrived.  
  
“In a minute,” he murmured. “This just feels too good right now.”  
  
Adam pressed him a little closer and couldn’t suppress a low groan. “You do have a point there. I have missed you so much...I can’t believe how good it feels to be with you again.”  
  
Gus was far too rigid, but as they stood together and Adam gently kneaded the sore muscles in his lower back he suddenly gave a huge sigh and Adam felt some of the tension draining out of him.  
  
“That’s better,” he whispered.  
  
“Hm? What is?”  
  
“You’re finally unwinding a little bit.”  
  
“You keep rubbing my back that way and I’m going to be so unwound you’re going to have to carry me.”  
  
“If that will make you slow down, I don’t care.” Gently, he added, “You’re overdoing things, Gus. You look so worn out...you’re worrying me.”  
  
“I am tired,” he admitted. Turning his face in against Adam's throat, Gus kissed him softly and tightened his hold around his neck. “But having you here makes it a lot easier to take.”  
  
“Well, as soon as you’ve had something to eat, you’re going to bed.”  
  
“I sure hope so,” Gus sighed with a soft laugh. “I’ve been thinking about that all day. It’s been very hard to concentrate.”  
  
Adam shivered despite himself. “I mean...you need to get some sleep.”  
  
“We’ll talk about it later,” Gus said and touched his mouth temptingly against Adam's.  
  
All his good intentions abruptly went over the railing and he was forcefully reminded that the physical connection between them was so strong that he didn’t have a hope in hell of resisting Gus after being away from him for so long. And Gus clearly had no intention of letting fatigue or stress get in the way of being reunited with Adam and it wasn’t long before he was sorely tempted to just forget about dinner altogether.  
  
He was saved by the sound of the doorbell from inside.  
  
“Wow,” he said. “Your pizza deliveries are really fast.”  
  
“Shouldn’t be here already,” Gus said, frowning as Adam took the opportunity to gently pull away. “But it must be...they were the only people I told Len to let up.”  
  
Once he had peeped out into the hallway to see who it was, he gasped and said, “Uh oh!” and opened the door.  
  
Michelle stood on the threshold, arms crossed.  
  
“You might have told me,” she said.  
  
Gus leaned his forehead against the edge of the door. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I didn’t even think to call you.”  
  
“And why is your cell phone turned off? If I hadn’t been able to reach Frankie, I would still be sitting around waiting for you to call me to pick you up. And now Frankie tells me you didn’t need to go to the airport because Adam’s already here...?”  
  
Michelle marched in. Bracing himself, Gus closed the door.  
  
“I said I’m sorry. The whole thing went completely out of my mind.”  
  
Adam had been hovering out of sight in the kitchen; now he ventured out and said, “Hi.”  
  
Michelle stopped and grimly looked him up and down, then her natural sense of humor got the better of her.  
  
“You must be the paragon,” she said dryly.  
  
“I don’t know about that,” he said, extending one hand. “But I  _am_  the reason the plans got all messed up. Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Michelle sighed. “Gus was only dragging me to the airport for moral support. Oh, all right...I admit it. The curiosity was killing me. Having heard about nothing other than you for the last several months, I was dying to actually meet you.”  
  
“Likewise,” said Adam, trying to keep a straight face.  
  
Michelle swung back to Gus and gave him the same head-to-toe appraisal. “And you look like hell. You’ve been on your feet too much...I can tell by the way you’re standing.”  
  
“Great,” said Gus, limping past her with a scowl. “Now I’m going to be double-teamed.”  
  
“Make that triple-teamed,” said Jeremy, emerging from the study and introducing himself.  
  
“Stop looking so pleased with yourself,” Gus snapped at Adam but when his smug expression didn’t change, Gus threw up his hands and sank cautiously down on the sofa. “Fine. I’m _sitting_. Michelle, I’ve ordered pizza. You may as well stay and eat with us. And since you know where everything is, go make yourself useful and get everybody a drink. And you can start with me.”  
  
The pizza arrived, which finally prompted an appearance from Lucien. Having decided that one of the visitors might be naive enough to offer him some pepperoni, he wandered out and attached himself to Adam, who apparently appeared to be the most likely candidate.  
  
“I’ve heard about you,” Adam said, giving Lucien his blue-eyed stare. “So you can forget it.”  
  
They all ate together around the coffee table in the living room, while Gus gave Michelle the latest update on the fundraiser.  
  
“Dinner is at six-thirty; cocktails are at five-thirty...”  
  
“Gus, you’ve told me this a thousand times.”  
  
“Well, so many things have been changed around, I can’t remember what I’ve told to who. Just do me a favor and don’t be too early.”  
  
“Why not?” said Adam and Michelle simultaneously.  
  
“Because I have to stand at the door and greet everybody as they come in and if I’m worrying about the two of you turned loose on a roomful of guests, I’m not going to be able to concentrate.”  
  
“I thought you’d talked your way out of the receiving line,” Michelle said disapprovingly. “You’re not going to have the time.”  
  
“Tell me about it. But the Board members want me there with them and they won’t budge. At least I can keep half a lid on the Mayor.”  
  
Michelle looked at Adam. “So what are you doing tomorrow during the day?”  
  
“Beats me,” he said with a glance at Gus. “Do you want me to just stay here and keep my head down?”  
  
“To be honest,” Gus said tiredly. “I can’t even think that far ahead at the moment.”  
  
“Leave it to me,” Michelle said, waving a hand airily. “I’ll come up with something.”  
  
“Uh oh,” said Adam, then added to Jeremy. “Be sure to wear your track shoes tomorrow. I’d bet you anything we’re going to end up running for our lives.”  
  
Michelle looked indignant.  
  
“Don’t forget; I’ve heard about you too,” said Adam.  
  
Gus was so tired that he only nibbled at his food, prompting another series of disapproving looks from the other three. He sat back against the cushions with a grimace and then leaned gratefully in against Adam when he put his arm around his shoulders.  
  
As soon as he was finished eating, Jeremy made his excuses and retreated into the den. Following his example, Michelle also stood up to leave but not before she’d had another go at Gus.  
  
“You’re not thinking about doing anything stupid...like going back to the office tonight, or sitting on the phone for hours?”  
  
“No,” said Adam, before Gus could even draw breath. “He’s not.”  
  
On her way past, Michelle patted him on the shoulder. “You and I are going to get along just fine. I’ll see you two in the morning, and don’t worry, Gus...I’ll come up with some way to keep Adam occupied until tomorrow night.”  
  
Once Michelle had let herself out, Gus put his head back on Adam’s shoulder and closed his eyes.  
  
“How’s your back?” he murmured.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“Tell me the truth.”  
  
Gus sighed. “I said it’s fine. Do you want a demonstration? Okay...watch.” Taking advantage of the fact that he already had his right leg curled beneath him, he just turned towards Adam and rose up on that knee, hooking his left leg over both of Adam's until he was sitting on his lap, facing him.  
  
“See?” he said and kissed Adam hungrily.  
  
Adam had no time to brace himself and the effect hit him like a ton of bricks. The stern little voice in the back of his head that wanted him to be very restrained was being drowned out by the way all of his other senses were absolutely screaming.  
  
“Hey... _hey_!” he managed finally, trying to pull his head away. It wasn’t easy; Gus had both arms braced on either side of him so that he was faced with the usual predicament of being unable to move Gus without the use of bodily force.  
  
“Mmm? What?”  
  
“Come on, Gus. You’re not in any shape for this.”  
  
“Oh hell...that  _definitely_  calls for a demonstration.”  
  
“Hey!” he said again. “Gus, for God’s sake...”  
  
Gus shifted a little closer. Unthinkingly, Adam curved his hands around Gus' hips to help increase the contact between them.  
  
Gus was smiling against his mouth. “And you’re trying to tell me you’re not interested? You should get your story straight before you start trying to convince  _me_  because I’m getting a whole lot of  _other_  signals.”  
  
“What do you think?” Adam said, half angrily. “This isn’t about what I want. You know damn well I want you...”  
  
Gus paused for just a second with his forehead touching Adam's and his eyes searching his intently. “Then I don’t care if I’m tired or sore or anything else. You can make me feel so much better...we can both have what we want...”  
  
He was touching Adam's face with his fingers and Adam closed his eyes. Gus resumed the slow, intense kisses and within a few seconds Adam was responding whether he wanted to or not.  
  
When he felt Gus' hands come down within range of his own, he grabbed them.  
  
“All right, listen...” he said through clenched teeth. “If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it my way...”  
  
“What way is that?” Gus whispered.  
  
“You’ve got to listen to me. You do exactly what I tell you. Understand?”  
  
After a moment, he nodded.  
  
“Stand up.”  
  
Gus realized immediately what Adam was doing; getting himself  _into_  that physical position has been one thing...getting himself  _out_  of it was another thing altogether.  
  
Adam looked up at him meaningfully and Gus dropped his eyes. It was obvious that he couldn’t move; and seeing his sudden distress, Adam took pity on him and pressed a soft kiss on his trembling mouth.  
  
“Put your arms around my neck,” he said gently.  
  
He picked Gus up as gingerly as he could and let him lean heavily on his arms as Gus tried to straighten his legs and put weight on them.  
  
“I hate being like this,” he said wildly, feeling a sudden rush of tears.  
  
Without a word, Adam put an arm around his waist to support him while they walked. Once inside his bedroom, Adam closed the door behind them and lifted Gus' face up to his, kissing him deeply and holding him in the circle of his arms.  
  
“It’s all right. We’ll just go slow...I just don’t want to hurt you.”  
  
He started out with a back massage and he could tell by the way Gus was flexing his muscles against his hands that some of the pain was easing. Gus whispered a few soft directions, groaning whenever Adam hit a particularly tense spot. But by the time he had worked his way gently from Gus' neck down to the base of his spine, Gus was sleepy and relaxed enough to roll over and pull Adam down against him.  
  
He knew by then that there was no way he was going to be able to stop himself; the feel of Gus' skin and the sight of his bare body had taken Adam's mind over a long time before. Gus was too exhausted to do more than just move languorously against him but despite Adam's gentleness it was still very passionate and intense for them both.  
  
Gus should have known better than to let himself get so physically and emotionally vulnerable in front of him. Curled up at Adam's side, he fell asleep almost immediately but woke a couple of hours later soaked by cold sweat and paralyzed by trembling fear.  
  
Desperate for comfort from Adam but petrified of letting him see the shape he was in, Gus forced himself to creep out of bed.  He tied on a bathrobe with shaking fingers and went out into the living room, automatically drawn to the light flooding in the large windows from the street lamps. Wrapping his arms around himself, he paced back and forth on the dimly lit strips of carpet trying to calm himself down and warm himself up.  
  
He nearly had a heart attack when Adam spoke quietly from the other side of the room.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“Will be,” he said through chattering teeth. “Just give me a few minutes.”  
  
“How long has this been going on?”  
  
Gus was too shaken to form a reassuring answer. He braced himself against the back of the sofa with one hand and pressed the heel of the other to the bridge of his nose. “They started again when I was staying with you.”  
  
“Yeah, I remember. You’re still having them? How often?”

“On and off.”

“Be more specific,” he said grimly.  
  
Gus shrugged. “Not every night. But some nights more than once.”  
  
Adam sighed. “I thought you looked awfully tired. I just figured you were overworked.”  
  
Gus put his head down miserably, his broken voice muffled by the hands over his face. “Yeah…well…some nights I just get afraid to go to sleep.”  
  
When Adam got close and put his arms around him, he was shocked at how Gus still couldn’t seem to catch his breath.  
  
“You need to tell me about this,” he coaxed very gently.  
  
Gus was still shivering. “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“Gus…it might help.”  
  
His body stiffened and he pulled away, digging his fingernails into Adam’s arm in agitation. “I  _don’t_  want to talk about it.”  
  
“All right, all right...take it easy. I’m sorry. Look, can I make you a drink or something? Are you sure? Then come back to bed.  You need to try and get some rest or you’re not going to make it through tomorrow.”  
  
Gus lay stiffly against him and Adam spent the next hour just gently brushing his hands up and down his back to soothe him. When he finally relaxed enough to drop off into an exhausted sleep, Adam tried dozing lightly himself but found he was jolted awake any time Gus so much as twitched.  
  
There was little time for conversation the following morning, nor did Adam think it was a good day to force a discussion. Gus showered and dressed silently, pointing out only that he was due to be at the Task Force office for a last minute meeting and then needed to go straight to the club for rehearsals for the guest artists.  
  
“Maybe I can help. I’ll come with you,” Adam offered, and then, when he saw the look on his face, “Or not. Okay, Jeremy and I’ll just hang out here with the cat.”  
  
“Michelle will be here any minute,” Gus said distractedly. “She’ll keep you occupied. You do understand I won’t be able to see you until later, right?”  
  
Adam kissed his forehead, biting back a comment at the how tired and hollow-eyed he looked. “You go and do what you have to do. If you have the time, call me and let me know how things are going. Otherwise, Michelle and I will meet you there.”  
  
Gus nodded. Then a brief flash of distress crossed his face. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He dropped his head against Adam's shoulder and stood for a moment with his eyes shut while Adam closed his arms around him and hugged him gently. “It means a lot to me that you’re here. Believe me. You make a big difference.”  
  
“We’ll talk about it when this is over,” he said very softly. “I love you. You’d better get going.”  
  
Michelle got out of the elevator just as Gus was getting on, and gave her friend a quizzical, appraising look.  
  
“You okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” Gus said, smiling faintly. “Look after Adam, will you? I’ll see you when you get to the club.”

* * * *

 

Michelle took one look at the expression on Adam’s face and slammed the door shut behind her.   
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
He looked startled. “Wrong?”  
  
“Yeah,  _wrong_. Is it just nerves? I though he looked bad last night. Now he looks really rattled.”  
  
“He didn’t sleep much.”  
  
“Oh. Well, I guess he’s bound to be really wound up about tonight. I mean, he has been…ever since she got back from California. I just thought…maybe with you here…”  
  
Adam threw himself into one corner of the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “Did you know he has really bad dreams?”  
  
“Yeah…I’m surprised he told you about them though…” In the process of removing her jacket, Michelle suddenly stopped dead. “What do you mean,  _has_?”  
  
“I mean that he didn’t have to tell me about them. I found out firsthand. He’s been having them quite regularly.”  
  
“You mean  _now_?” Michelle sat down hard beside him. “Are you serious? Oh damn, it’s been so long...I hoped he’d never have to go through that again.” Looking up at him, she asked, “Exactly how bad are they?”  
  
“Bad enough to wake us both up.”  
  
She sighed and ran her hands through her hair. “Jesus, this is the last thing he needs right now. I guess I can’t say I’m surprised ...but Adam, look…if this  _is_ starting again, you’re going to have to watch him really closely.”  
  
“Why?” he said uneasily.  
  
“Because Gus started having those nightmares right after the accident. It wasn’t unexpected, and it didn’t help that he was doped on really large doses of Demerol and morphine for the pain. But when they got bad, he’d scream so loud that the nurses from  _other_ wards would come running to see what the hell was going on. He’d pull out tubes, knock over equipment…he belted one of the orderlies so hard he nearly broke his nose. They used to have to tie him to the bed until he calmed down.”  
  
She saw how all the color was draining from his face and put her hand on his arm reassuringly. “I’m not saying that he’ll get that bad again. But it was months before he slept through the night even once, and months after that before he stopped having them more than once or twice a week.”  
  
“He won’t tell me what they’re about,” he muttered.  
  
“Don’t take it personally,” she said with a sigh. “He only ever told  _me_ once. It may be different now, but it used to be the same thing over and over again. He said that he‘d be standing on the side of the road watching the accident as it happened, even though he knew he was actually in the car. He said he could even see how he’d been impaled… that he could feel the metal going right through him. He’d try to get around to the driver’s side of the car, trying to get Nick out, knowing that he was dying that that there was nothing he could do to help him. And he’d start screaming for help, but nobody would come.”  
  
“But he didn’t…I mean, I thought that Nick died instantly…”  
  
He saw the look on her face and kicked himself. But Michelle just nodded.  
  
“He did. But Gus still keeps dreaming that he needs to get Nick out. It was hours after the accident before they moved his body. Even though they covered him, Gus still knew he was dead beside him the whole time they were trying to cut him out. He says he’ll never get that memory out of his mind.”  
  
Adam was silent for a moment. “This is all about the trial then, isn’t it?”  
  
“Most likely. And all the other stress he’s under right now. And you.”  
  
“Me?” he said blankly.  
  
“Yes, you. Take my word for it…that boy used to be closed up so tight that not only did he not let anything out, he wasn’t letting anything  _in_. Even I couldn’t get through to him much.” She smiled at Adam ruefully. “I don’t think you can ever understand how much he had to let his guard down when he met you.”  
  
“I have some idea,” Adam said just as ruefully.  
  
“I doubt it. But it wasn’t just a matter of letting you in. All the other crap in his life probably squeezed in through the door at the same time. He’s not real good about dealing with it.” She drew a deep breath. “So I’m quite serious when I say that you are… _we_  are…going to have to watch him like a hawk.”  
  
“It’s the trial I’m worried about,” he said quietly.  
  
Knowing full well what Gus’s plans were regarding Adam and the trial, Michelle was badly tempted to tell him what she knew. Eventually she decided it would only create more tension on a day when Gus would probably already be up to his ears in it. So Michelle kept quiet but the more she thought about it, the more she became determined that she was going to make Gus deal with the issue before Adam went home.

 

* * * *

  
There comes a point in preparations for anything big where you just have to throw up your hands and let fate take over. Gus hit that point at about four o’clock in the afternoon, after coaxing the guest artists through rehearsals and trying his best to calm the younger performers down. From then on he went on automatic pilot, dressing and doing his own hair since he didn’t feel he had enough patience left to let anyone else do it for him.  
  
He’d tried several times during the day to reach Adam. There was no answer at the condo or on Michelle’s cell phone, leading Gus to believe that Michelle had deliberately turned it off.  
  
“What the hell are you up to, McGavison?” he muttered to himself. Knowing Michelle, it could have been anything.  
  
By five o’clock, he was pacing up and down backstage, trailed by an equally anxious Frankie. When the Board arrived, led by the Mayor, he said a brief prayer of thanks that they had at least respected his request not to get overly fancy. In fact, they seem to have taken his suggestion as a good excuse to splurge on some funky ensembles which some managed to pull off with more success than others.  
  
The receiving line was predictably long and nerve-wracking. Gus was finding it nearly impossible to stand still, let alone stand still and make small talk while he shook hands with guest after guest. The Much crew were being as inconspicuous as possible, but still far too obvious for his liking even as he kept reminding himself that this particular night in the spotlight was a necessary evil.  
  
Jesse had warned him that there was a huge crowd of ladies outside, some of whom where hoping to see the local radio and television celebrities who were attending, and most of whom were hoping to catch a glimpse of Adam. With his contacts in the police department, Gus had managed to make extra security arrangements, but he still fretted over how Michelle and Adam were likely to be mobbed when they arrived.  
  
When he heard the screaming start, he looked at his watch in dismay. It was far too early. He cursed to himself, but there was nothing he could do short of ducking out of the receiving line and trying to intercept them. They were just going to have to manage without him.  
  
Jesse appeared behind him with one of the cameramen and said ruefully in his ear, “Do you have any other surprises for me?”  
  
“Oh come on,” he whispered back. “You know damn well he was here yesterday. Did you really think he wasn’t coming?”  
  
“Oh, I  _knew_  Adam was coming. But you were still holding out on me, weren’t you?”  
  
“About what?” he said perplexed. The screaming got louder, and with a sigh he swung back around to face the newest guests and said, “Damn you, you’re not supposed to be here yet.”  
  
“I’m not?” said Tommy, startled.  
  
Fortunately, Jesse wasn’t fast enough with the microphone because Gus uttered a rather inappropriate expletive, then clamped his hand over his mouth.  
  
“Tsk, tsk,” said another all-too-familiar voice from the other side. “Not nice language for a gentleman.”  
  
“I’d really like to turn this camera on, Gus,” Jesse said plaintively. “Would you mind taking that look off your face?”  
  
“Guess we should have mentioned we were coming, huh?” said Isaac.  
  
Gus was staring from one to the other, completely oblivious to the fact that there was a large line of people backing up behind them. “I thought you were...”  
  
“We were. In New York.  It’s not that far from here you know. But we weren’t performing tonight, so we thought we’d crash your little party and offer you some moral support. Although...at the moment, you look more like you need life-support.”  
  
“Try smiling,” Tommy said in his ear as he hugged Gus.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he said, still bewildered. Hugging Isaac, he scolded him, “My nerves are bad enough, thanks. I can’t take any more shocks at the moment.” Somewhat hesitantly, he asked, “Anybody else dropping by that I should know about?”  
  
“Just us.”  
  
Frankie materialized out of nowhere, and before Gus could even get wound up about where he was going to seat two extra people for dinner...especially those two extra people...she had slipped him a note. Scanning it quickly, he nodded gratefully in her direction and pointed her out to Tommy.  
  
“Frankie will show you where to sit.  I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”  
  
He flashed Gus a grin and then he and Isaac deliberately drew Jesse out of the way so that Gus could focus. Even so, he went through the next twenty or thirty people without registering most of them, thankful that he had rehearsed enough small talk ahead of time to be able to just fumble through.  
  
Adam and Michelle arrived right on schedule, rushed through the entrance by Jeremy with enough speed to indicate that they’d had to come through the crowd in a hurry. Michelle had been temporarily shaken from her customary aplomb by the sheer number of people and the earsplitting screams, but she’d recovered somewhat by the time she reached Gus.  
  
“God, that’s loud,” she said. Resplendent in an electric blue pantsuit, with her blonde hair highlighted with sparkles and her blue eyes glittering, she looked seriously hyped up.  
  
Adam went through the receiving line, shaking hands and introducing himself. When he got to Gus, he hugged him and kissed his cheek, making him blush furiously.  
  
“You look great,” Gus murmured. He was wearing black leather pants and a tight black t-shirt and he ran his eyes over Gus just as admiringly.  
  
“So do you,” he said softly.  
  
“I suppose you know your cohorts are here?”  
  
“My cohorts?” he said blankly.  
  
“Tommy and Isaac. You mean you didn’t know?”  
  
“Are you serious?”  
  
“Would I make that up?”  
  
He was momentarily speechless, and Gus, glancing over his shoulder, muttered, “Look, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you at dinner, okay?”  
  
He gave Gus another kiss on the cheek and went off with Michelle. Closing his eyes briefly, Gus wondered how he was ever going to make it through the rest of this particular night.  
  
He had originally planned the seating arrangements so that he and Frankie would sit with Adam, Michelle and a handful of Board Members in the centre front row of tables. As the fundraiser had approached, he had realized that the chances of either him or Frankie having any time to eat were pretty limited, but he had left their seats in place and was now grateful that he had. It had been Frankie’s idea to give up the seats to Tommy and Isaac, and he was relieved that at least they were up front where he could keep an eye on them.  
  
Once the receiving line was done, he bolted backstage and began putting out various fires, including talking several of the younger performers out from the green room where they were huddled in panic. During dinner, he circulated, making small talk and thanking people for their support, and when he worked his way up to where Adam was sitting, he took a moment to lean down to him and make sure he was all right.  
  
“We’re fine,” Adam said reassuringly, squeezing his hand. “Why aren’t you eating?”  
  
“Eat?” he said ruefully. “What’s that? I don’t have the time, and fortunately, I also don’t have the appetite. Besides,” he added, projecting his voice across the table. “I had to give up my seat to accommodate some very late, uninvited guests.”  
  
“I heard that,” said Isaac. “I hope you realize that you are just about the only person who’s complaining about us being here.”  
  
“Speaking of being here,” Gus said to Adam, suddenly reminded that he’d been unable to get hold of him all day. “Exactly where  _were_  you this afternoon?”  
  
“The zoo,” said Adam.  
  
“Excuse me...the  _zoo?”_  
  
“The zoo,” said Michelle cheerfully. “We took Brian to the zoo.”  
  
“See what we missed?” Isaac said to Tommy, shaking his head. “Told you we should have caught an earlier flight.”  
  
The Mayor launched into a discussion of how Toronto’s zoo ranked up there with many of the great zoos in the world, and Gus rolled his eyes at Adam and fled.  
  
The entire time the performances were going on, Gus stood backstage with his fingers crossed and his heart in the throat. He practically had to use a cattle prod on the first act to get them out on the stage and once they did, their sixteen year old pianist completely froze and there was nothing any of the other group members could do to get him to do anything more than sit blankly at the keyboard. After a minute, Gus sighed and walked out on stage, slipping around the piano and grabbing the young man by the arm so that he was forced to sit back down on the bench.  
  
“Play dammit,” he hissed at him and flipped through the music until it was open at the right place. Wide-eyed, the boy stared at him and when Gus nodded reassuringly, his fingers did began to fumble on the keys although Gus had to sit next to him for the rest of the number to give him moral support.  
  
Once the first act had made it off the stage, their relief and enthusiasm fired up the rest of the kids and from that moment on there was no hesitation in any of them. When the guest artists performed, the kids whistled and stomped backstage making Gus smile at their excitement.  
  
As expected, Jesse wasn’t going to let the evening go by without making a few smart remarks about Gus. Although he wisely refrained from associating him with any names in particular, it didn’t stop everyone in the audience from being perfectly aware of to whom he was referring.  In the wings, Gus stood banging his forehead on the wall the entire time Jesse was speaking even more embarrassed by the fact that the entire crowd, including his guests down front, seemed to find the whole thing incredibly funny.  
  
He managed to compose himself by the time Jesse had to introduce him at the end. He had reluctantly prepared a short speech, to be followed by an official statement from the Mayor as a member of the Task Force Board of Directors.  
  
When he went out, the audience stood up and applauded, making him go crimson and completely wiping his speech out of his head. He stuck his tongue out at Jesse when he thought no one was looking and then shook his head indulgently and hugged him.  
  
“All right, shut up and sit down,” he sighed when Jesse handed him a microphone. “For one awful minute there, I thought you were all getting up to walk out. My speech won’t be that long; I promise you.”  
  
He made a brief and emotional reference to Nick, and to the fact that the whole program was a tribute to his memory and the efforts that he had made during his career to help troubled teens.  As he outlined the successes of the program so far, to more applause, he glanced down front and saw that Michelle’s chair was empty and felt a brief pang of regret that his friend had apparently found this part of the evening too painful to sit through.  
  
He caught Adam’s eye just long enough to register his reassuring smile and then spent the next few minutes thanking those involved, trying not to forget anyone and commenting ruefully at the end that he was expecting shortly to be drowned out the by orchestra for exceeding his time allowed.  
  
“We were thinking about that,” Jesse said into his own mic, from behind him.  
  
He introduced the Mayor who, to his credit, pontificated less than usual and made extremely gracious comments about Gus and the contributions he had made to the campaign.  
  
“Unfortunately, as you may or may not know, the Board hasn’t had any luck in persuading Gus to continue as our Chairperson...”  
  
Gus’s mouth dropped open. Surely the man wasn’t going to make a public appeal for him to stay on. He’d kill him.  
  
“And reluctantly, we’ve had to look for someone else to take on this challenging and extremely time-consuming position. We’ve been very fortunate to have had a number of extremely qualified people come to us expressing their interest in the job. Tonight, I am very pleased to be able to tell you that the Board has made a final selection from this group of candidates and I would like to take this opportunity to make the official announcement and introduce the Task Force’s new Chairperson.”  
  
Gus was staring at the mayor so intently that didn’t notice who was walking on stage until Michelle passed directly in front of him, flashing a sweet smile. When the mayor shook Michelle’s hand and the crowd realized exactly who he was introducing, there was an immediate and loud expression of approval, followed by a wave of laughter at the still-shocked look on Gus’s face.  
  
“You sneaky little son of a bitch,” he said to the mayor, forgetting he was holding a live microphone.  
  
The crowd roared again.  
  
“I hope to God you know what you’re doing,” he added ruefully to Michelle. “After listening to all my stories...you  _still_  want to work with this man?”  
  
Not much offended the mayor and he shrugged good-naturedly at the jibe.  Still shaking his head, Gus hugged Michelle and had to fight back a sudden and powerful rush of tears.

 


	27. Chapter 27

When it was all over, Gus sat down heavily on a bench back-stage and let everyone crowd around him. Between the noise and the people thumping him on the back and the sudden overwhelming sense of relief, he was hardly aware of most of what was said to him. Frankie tracked him down and once they had spent several minutes leaning tiredly on each other and sharing congratulations, she pointed out that everyone was waiting for him out front.  
  
"All right guys," Gus said loudly. "You've all worked your asses off and now you deserve to go and party. But please remember, there are a lot of very important people out there...act accordingly, okay?"  
  
In the club, the guests were mingling freely around the tables. As he wandered through, Gus was pleased to see that many of the teens from the show, including a lot of the street kids, were deep in conversation with everyone from the radio personalities to the guest artists to the crews on hand from Much. It wasn't hard to track down Adam; when he spotted Gus, he excused himself from conversation with one of the local entertainment reporters and slid through the crowd to meet up with him.  
  
He wrapped his arms around Gus and when he dropped his head on Adam's shoulder, he turned his face to kiss Gus' cheek and whispered in his ear.  
  
"You did an incredible job. Congratulations."  
  
"Thanks," he said tiredly. "Was it okay? Really?"  
  
"Really. You should be very proud of yourself."  
  
"Did you really go the zoo today?"  
  
He started laughing. "Yes, we did. And nobody bothered us. It was a lot of fun...I wish you'd been there." He rubbed Gus' shoulders gently and said, "Come on. Let me get you a drink."  
  
Michelle was at the bar; when she saw Gus, she grinned.  
  
"Don't smile at me, you sneak," Gus grumbled. "Now I understand why you were so surprised to see me at the office the day I thought you stopped by to take me to lunch. You were only there because I'd told you I _wouldn't_ be there."  
  
Michelle lifted her shoulders. "I had a meeting with Frankie. And yes, it was a close one. But we were all sworn to secrecy, so don't go taking it out on her either."  
  
Gus hung one arm around Michelle's neck. "Are you really sure you want to take this on? It's got to be painful for you."  
  
"Look, I've got to start to do something. I've been lucky...I was able to take time for myself and for Brian since Nick died. I'd like to start to give something back. You started something really good here, and I'm sure Nick would have liked to see me carry on where you left off."  
  
Shaking his head, Gus said ruefully, "I'm still having trouble believing all of this. Maybe it will hit me later...right now, my brain is just spinning."  
  
He was touched by how pleased Tommy and Isaac were for him.  
  
"You amaze me," Tommy said, nearly squeezing the breath out of him. "I know you told me about all of this, but I had no idea it was this big a deal."  
  
"Well," he sighed. "It did get a lot of attention because of who I happen to be hanging out with these days. I'm not that naive; I'm sure that's why a lot of people suddenly got interested in it."  
  
"Maybe you just did a good job," Tommy said indignantly. "Besides, if it's for a good cause, who cares?"  
  
"I think it's your magnetic personality," Isaac remarked, and grinned when Gus swatted him. "And I hate to eat and run, but I think we'd better think about trying to get a flight back to New York."  
  
Gus looked at his watch. "It's already pretty late. Do you have to go back tonight?"  
  
Isaac looked at Tommy, who shrugged. "Not really. We've got a show with Ravi tomorrow night. We could fly out in the morning."  
  
"You can stay with me if you'd like."  
  
Michelle and Adam looked at each other, then Michelle said uneasily, "Well, actually, Gus...I was meaning to talk to you about that..."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"We, uh... sort of had a problem getting back into your place this afternoon," said Adam.  
  
At Gus's blank look, Michelle sighed and said, "Look, word must have gotten out that Adam was staying with you...I mean, it's not a real big leap of logic. So your place has been pretty heavily staked out. I was actually going to suggest you come and stay with me."  
  
"We had to sneak in," Adam admitted. "And back out again."  
  
"But never fear," Michelle added. "Both Adam and Jeremy grabbed all their stuff, and I put a couple of days worth of food and water down for Lucien. It's just probably not a good idea for you to go back there until Adam goes home."  
  
Gus closed his eyes. "Great." After a moment's contemplation, he looked back up at Michelle and nodded. "You're right. We'd better take them all up to Hyannis Port."  
  
"Excuse me?" said Tommy.  
  
Michelle smiled. "That's just Gus's nickname for my family's place. My grandparents bought up a whole bunch of farm property and everyone in the family has a house up there. Gus keeps trying to tell me we're getting like the Kennedys."  
  
"But there's plenty of room," Gus said reassuringly. "And the place is like Fort Knox. Even I can't get in there half the time."

* * * *

  
At some point in time, Gus had casually mentioned to Adam that Michelle's family was in the construction business. He hadn't exactly given him the full story.  
  
When Michelle's paternal grandparents married, two of the largest construction companies in the country merged by default.  As a result of subsequent decades of incredible success, Caruso-White had gone on to become one of the largest construction companies in the world.  
  
As their little empire had expanded, the Carusos had remained independent and fiercely loyal to family.  For this reason, nearly all the Carusos still lived on the family compound of six hundred acres of prime rural property north of Toronto.   
  
Although she and Nick had lived in a large house on the property during their marriage, Michelle had moved into a condo in the city after Nick's death to be closer to Gus.  But both she and Gus spent a great deal of time at The Farm, and Gus, almost completely without family of his own, had long since been adopted into the Caruso fold as an honorary member.  
  
At the fundraiser, Gus had introduced Adam to the assorted members of Michelle's family who had turned out in support of the event.  When it came time to leave in the early hours of the morning, he enlisted the help of Michelle's brother Michael to smuggle Isaac, Tommy and Kevin out in his Suburban, while he, Michelle, Adam and Jeremy followed them up to The Farm in Michelle's car.  
  
Mrs. Caruso wasn't the least bit fazed at the sight of all the unexpected visitors.  She was quite used to a parade of corporate guests and family friends and cheerfully provided as many spare rooms as necessary.  
  
Gus was the only one who didn't seem interested in sitting up and reliving the events of the evening. As soon as he could, he left the rest of them sitting down in the big recreation room and escaped upstairs.  
  
He took a shower and by the time he had emerged from the bathroom, Adam had followed him up and was watching him thoughtfully.  
  
"Tired?"  
  
He nodded.   
  
Adam didn't pursue it.  He was quite familiar with the feeling of coming down after the rush of adrenaline that accompanied a show.   
  
Gus cocked an eye at him.  "You didn't have to come up."  
  
"I wanted to.  Would you rather be by yourself?"  
  
"No, it's not that.  I just thought you'd rather sit and talk with everybody." He smiled apologetically.   "I don't feel like I'm very good company at the moment."  
  
When Adam came across and hugged him, Gus slid his arms up around Adam’s neck and hung on tight.   
  
"You need to get some sleep," Adam said and felt Gus’ head move up and down on his shoulder.   
  
He tucked Gus into bed and leaned over to kiss him goodnight. Gus’ eyes were already closed but the faint line of frown between his brows bothered Adam and after a moment he gave up the idea of going back downstairs and just undressed and crawled in with Gus.  
  
He sighed deeply and crept into Adam’s arms.   
  
"I'm so proud of you," Adam whispered. "You did a really great thing today."  
  
Unexpectedly, Gus’ voice went very low and very shaky.   "Yeah.  Except...now...what the hell do I do next?"  
  
Adam assumed that was a rhetorical question.  After a few minutes of silence, Gus just burrowed his head into the curve of Adam’s shoulder and fell asleep, too exhausted even to dream.

* * * *

  
It wasn't a particularly quiet night for either of them.  Gus didn't wake once, but tossed and turned so uneasily that Adam spent most of the night trying to avoid restless elbows and knees.  By the time Gus finally settled down, the sun was already up and Adam was too wound up himself to get back to sleep.   
  
Gus didn't emerge until late morning, and found the rest of them sitting out on one of the large decks in the warm sunshine.  Kevin and Jeremy sat sipping coffee on the steps on the far side, watching Brian and a couple of his older cousins cavorting on the jungle gym.  
  
"It about time," Tommy said gently.  "If you'd been any later, you would have missed us."  
  
Adam held out a chair for Gus and he sank into it, glancing around the table with eyes that were still not fully open.  "Why?  What time is your flight?"  
  
"We've got to leave in about half an hour," Michelle said, through a mouthful of croissant.  "I'll drop them at the airport."  
  
"Oh.  Good."   
  
"You made the front page," Isaac said, offering Gus a newspaper.  
  
Gus didn't even glance at it but just set it aside with a fleeting smile.  "I'll look at it later thanks."  
  
"Hungry?" Adam asked.  
  
Gus shook his head.  "No, thanks.  Coffee's fine."  
  
Frowning, Adam stubbornly put a muffin and some fruit on a plate and set it down in front of him anyway.  
  
Gus looked so listless that the rest of them exchanged troubled glances.  Michelle nudged Adam with her foot and narrowed her eyes at him meaningfully.  "Maybe now would be a good time to tell Gus what you've been talking about this morning.  You know...while everyone's still here."  
  
He hesitated and Michelle kicked him again.  "Oh. Right.  Well, actually...I'd mentioned that you were, you know...going to be looking for something to do now that the fundraiser was over..."  
  
Gus's eyebrows went up over the rim of his coffee cup.  
  
"And," he went on hurriedly.  "There isn't anybody who doesn't think that what you pulled off was pretty spectacular, so it's obviously something that you're good at..."  
  
"For God's sake, get to the point," Michelle said impatiently and then simply turned back to Gus and said, "Tommy's got a proposition for you."  
  
Gus was in mid-swallow; the coffee went down the wrong way.  
  
"Excuse me?" he said, coughing.  
  
"It's just an idea," Tommy said.  "But if you're looking for something to do..."  
  
Now Gus was thoroughly suspicious.  "Like what?"  
  
"Well, you know I’ve wanted to start a foundation for my dad."  
  
Gus nodded.  
  
"My family sort of wanted to be really hands-on with it, so we've been doing pretty well everything by ourselves.  Now it's up and running and things are going great, but it's getting harder for us to oversee it all.  And before long, I'm going to be away so much, and everyone else in my family has busy times coming up as well..."  
  
"So Tommy wants you to run the foundation for him," Michelle finished, as impatiently as before.  "Why the hell do you men beat around the bush so much?"  
  
"You want me to _what_?" said Gus in astonishment.  
  
"We've been looking for a Director," Tommy said, ignoring Michelle.  "Somebody to manage things and organize projects.  Pretty much what you were doing for the Task Force."  
  
Gus was staring at him so hard that didn't notice he'd put his cup down in the middle of his plate.  
  
"I think you'd be great for the job."  
  
He opened his mouth once and nothing came out.  On the second attempt, he managed, "But Tommy...I don't know the first thing about running a medical charity."  
  
"You've just finished running a huge charitable event.  You've had experience with raising awareness for a cause.  You've got a lot of experience with the medical community..."  
  
Adam winced.  
  
"...and you're somebody I trust.  More than anything, we have to have somebody with a spotless reputation.  Anything else you need to know I'm sure you could learn pretty quickly."  
  
Before he could say anything else, Isaac put in almost too casually, "And besides, Tommy's not the only one with a charity.  Adam here happens to support a water charity foundation as well. He might even try to do something in conjunction with the tour.  Maybe have some kind of fundraising event in each city as we go through.  Somebody's got to do all that...and you are the best person for the job."  
  
Gus was still staring dumbly but after a minute, his face suddenly took on a very guarded expression.   
  
"All right.  Will somebody please tell me what the heck's going on?  Have you guys been sitting down here all morning plotting this, or what?"  
  
"No. Tommy mentioned it to me last night," Michelle said quietly.  
  
Gus smiled grimly.  "So since then you've all put your heads together and come up with some wild idea for me to run Tommy's charity and hit the road with you guys to promote it.  Have I missed anything?  Oh, yeah..." He tossed his napkin on the table.  "Has anyone figured out how I'm going to do all this from Toronto?"  
  
Gus looked pointedly at Adam.  He held his tongue and just looked steadily back.  
  
"Just a couple of minor details, folks, but a) I don't live in the States and b) I'm not eligible to work there."  
  
"Give me a break," Michelle snapped.  "You wouldn't have any problem getting a green card for this.  Besides, if you needed him to, my father would hire you at Caruso-White and relocate you to the U.S.  He's never had a problem moving staff across the border."  
  
"Oh, and then fire me when I get down there so I can go work for Tommy?  Great, so now you're fixing me up with _two_ jobs, not just one.  You're all very considerate.  Is this Adopt-An-Unemployed-Canadian Week?  Are you taking up a collection for me too?  Talk about charity!"  
  
"Gus," Michelle said warningly.  
  
Noting the looks on the faces of the three men, Gus slumped and leaned his head against the back of the chair.  "I'm sorry.  I'm sounding ungrateful and I don't mean to be.  But you guys can't just drop something like that on me." After a moment's awkward silence, he rolled his head towards Adam and added, "You haven't said anything about any of this."  
  
Adam was leaning forward with his crossed arms resting on the table, shoulders hunched and his eyes on his plate.  "We can talk about it some other time," he said very quietly.  
  
"It's just an idea," Isaac pointed out.  "Take awhile to think about it."  
  
Gus heaved a sigh.   "Look...It's not that I don't appreciate the thought...I'm just...not thinking straight this morning, okay?  I haven't had a morning in the last two weeks where I haven't had to hit the ground running...I just can't deal with anything big right now." He tried to smile at Tommy and Isaac.  "It's bad enough that I can't even get into my apartment at the moment."  
  
Tommy was so bothered by the fact that he'd upset Gus that he unwittingly made it worse by joking, "And I guess you'll have to move out again in a couple of weeks when Adam comes back."  
  
Michelle tried her best, but Tommy was out of kicking range.  
  
"For what?" Gus said warily.  
  
Tommy looked from Adam to Gus and back again, suddenly aware of having blundered.  "For the...uh..."  
  
"For the trial," Adam finished.  
  
Michelle stood up.  "Hey guys, before we head out, how'd you like to come and say goodbye to my folks?"  
  
Isaac caught the scowl on Gus's face and wisely stood up himself.  Puzzled, Tommy hesitated but when felt Michelle's insistent hand on his arm he followed her and Isaac into the house.  
  
"What's going on?" he said.  
  
Michelle grimaced.  "I know you didn't mean to, but I think you just opened a really ugly can of worms."  
  
"About what?  Because I mentioned the trial?"

"Because you mentioned Adam coming _back_ for the trial.  I'm sorry I rushed you guys out of there, but neither of you happened to put on your bomb-disposal gear this morning and I can almost guarantee you that within the next five minutes there is going to be one hell of an explosion."

* * * *

  
The way the table had suddenly cleared, it was obvious to Gus that Michelle was taking Isaac and Tommy and diving for cover.   
  
He'd been so busy since Adam had arrived that he hadn't taken the time to consider whether or not Michelle would have raised the issue of the trial with Adam.  Judging by the way that Adam was staring at him, Michelle hadn't...and Adam was completely unaware of what Gus had in mind.   
  
He closed his eyes briefly.  He was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and since the fundraiser had ended the specter of the trial had been looming over his with sudden menace.  Until now, the trial had been something that was coming up after the fundraiser.  With the fundraiser over, Gus was being gripped by the reality of what he had to face and finding himself completely unable to cope.  
  
Adam was clearly waiting for him to speak.   
  
"I wanted to talk to you about that," Gus murmured.  
  
"About what?"  
  
Gus chewed his lip.  "I'm not sure this is the best time..."  
  
Adam’s mouth twitched in a grim smile.  
  
"I get the feeling there isn't going to be a good time, so you might as well say it now."  
  
There was no way to put it gently.  Adam wasn't going to understand and he wasn't going to be able to adequately explain it to him.  
  
He couldn't meet Adam’s eyes.  Instead, he began pleating the edge of the tablecloth in his lap.  
  
"I think it's probably better if you didn't come back up here for the trial."

Silence.  Resignedly, Gus waited.  
  
He jumped when Adam suddenly pushed his chair back and stood up.  He walked around the table and came back to stand behind Gus, facing out over the back yard with his hands on the railing of the deck.  
  
Gus risked a glance at the rigid set of Adam’s shoulders.  He either wasn't interested in sharing his thoughts with Gus or he was just too damn mad to say anything.  Wearily, Gus rubbed his eyes and stood up.  
  
"I'm going to say good-bye to Isaac and Tommy," he said.  
  
Adam swung around and held out one arm, effectively blocking Gus’ path.   
  
"If you don't mind," he said, very cold.  "I'd appreciate if you'd explain what you just said first."  
  
Gus's fuse was already pretty short.  Adam’s curtness just shortened it a little more.  
  
"I told you this wasn't a good time," he muttered, and took a step forward.  He came up against Adam’s arm, hesitating just a fraction of a second before he grabbed it and very forcefully pushed it out of the way.  
  
Adam pushed back.  Gus's head came up and if Adam had been thinking straight he would have realized that the look in Gus’ eyes was all the warning he was likely to get.  Instead, he let his frustration get the better of him.  
  
"There never _is_ a good time for you, that's the problem.  You've stopped talking to me again.  I don't find out about what's going on until things have gone so far that they're out of control.  Are you going to tell me I'm wrong?  What about those dreams you keep having?  And what the hell is _this_...now?  You're asking me not to come up for the trial...is that what you're saying?"  
  
Gus stared stonily ahead.   
  
"What's wrong with me being here?  Is it the publicity you're worried about?  All the extra media attention?  Is that it?"  
  
Gus flinched.  It was faint, but Adam caught it.  
  
"The press are going to make mincemeat out of me," he said, very low.  "I don't want you anywhere near me."  
  
"How the hell are you going to get through this by yourself?"  
  
Gus’ face hardened at the reminder.  "I was dealing with all of this for a long time before you came on the scene," he snapped.  "I think I know what I'm doing."  
  
Abruptly, Adam dropped his hands away from Gus but he was still standing so close that his sharp, angry voice cut right through Gus.   
  
"How could you not _talk_ to me about this?  How could you let me go all this time assuming that you wanted me to be here..."  
  
"Why would you assume that?" Gus shouted at him.  "Why would you even think that this has anything...anything at all...to do with you?"  
  
Adam stared at him in disbelief.  "I don't believe I just heard you say that.  You're asking me _why_ I would assume that this was something I would be a part of...?   How about because you might need me...because it was something that I could help you through...because you would include me as your _partner_...how the hell can you have the nerve to ask me _why_?"  
  
In the kitchen, Tommy, Isaac and Michelle had only been able to see the first part of this dispute through the patio doors.  Now, they were getting audio as well and Michelle was fretting over whether or not to intervene.  
  
"I hope your insurance is paid up," Isaac observed.  "I wouldn't go out and try and separate them if I were you.  I've never seen Gus in action, but you don't mess with Adam."  
  
"I should have warned him," she muttered.  "Damn it, I knew Gus was going to end up starting a fight with him."  
  
Tommy was staring at Gus, whose arms were starting to windmill as the argument escalated.  "Why on earth would he not want Adam to be here for the trial?"  
  
Michelle sighed.  "It's a long story."  Looking at her watch, she grimaced.  "And we've got to get going or you're not going to make your flight."  
  
"Are you sure we should be leaving them?" Tommy said dubiously.  
  
"No, I'm not.  But when you find Kevin, you might have a word with Jeremy as well.  If worse comes to worse, he might have to sit on them both to stop them from killing each other."

* * * *

  
They fought bitterly the entire time Michelle was gone and by the time she got back, Gus had retreated upstairs.  He had completely shut down and there was nothing Adam could do with him.  He sat on the edge of the bed with eyes that had gone absolutely blank and refused to budge, no matter how Adam shouted or pleaded.  
  
His coldness left Adam bewildered, hurt and badly shaken.   Eventually, not knowing what else to do, he just packed.  Gus sat without speaking while Adam called the airport and changed his flight and if he was hoping the sight of him planning to leave early would shake Gus out of his silence, he was disappointed.  
  
"Gus..." he said, trying one more time.  
  
"Just go home, Adam," Gus said dully.   
  
He crouched down in front of Gus.  "Sweetheart, you're not thinking straight. You're not making any sense. I don't want to leave you like this."  
  
When his expression didn't change, Adam murmured, "Will you at least tell me when I'm going to see you again?"  
  
He saw the spasm that crossed Gus’ face and Adam suddenly went very cold.  He stared at the top of Gus’ head for a long time, but Gus didn't move.    
  
It was a long time before Gus finally raised his head; by that time, Adam was gone.

* * * *

  
When Michelle got back from the airport, she found Adam and Jeremy waiting for her out front and to her consternation, she had to turn right back around and make the journey a second time.  
  
When she got to the edge of the property, she pulled off to the side and looked back over her shoulder at Jeremy.   
  
"Will you excuse us for a second?"  
  
She made Adam get out and walked him up the dirt road a short distance, groping for something reassuring to say.  
  
"First of all, I'm sorry.  I misjudged the mood he was in this morning.  I thought bringing up the idea of him working for Tommy would cheer him up and give him something to look forward to, but I guess it just reminded him that he has some big decisions to make.  And I should have warned you about the trial. I knew what he was thinking, but he asked me not to say anything...I just hoped that he'd change his mind when he saw you again."  
  
"It's not your fault," Adam muttered.  
  
"I know Gus isn't communicating very well right now. I just want to try and explain what's going on."  
  
"What's to explain?  He doesn't want me at the trial. He even used those exact words.  I don't think it needs interpretation."  
  
"That's not what this is about.  He's freaked out about all the publicity, that's true, especially after last night, but that's only part of it."  
  
She shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans and frowned.   "You've got to realize that this trial is going to bring up a lot of very painful stuff for him.  There's no way that I could ever make you understand what he went through.  I don't even think that _Gus_ really understands how bad it was.  I do.  I knew him before the accident and afterwards I really didn't think he'd ever be the same again.  It nearly killed him."  
  
"I know that," Adam said soberly.  
  
"I'm not talking about the injuries.  Think about it.  Before the crash, Gus was the most outgoing, athletic person I've ever known.  He nearly lost everything.  He was in a wheelchair for months and almost didn't walk again, he lost his best friend, his boyfriend pretty well walked away from him, his career was over…how can any of us ever imagine what that was like?  He just wasn't the same anymore.  I know he still tries very hard to hide it, but he's never really dealt with it all."  
  
"For God's sake Michelle," he said, unable to control his impatience. "I'm not an idiot.  I know that this is going to be incredibly difficult.  That's why I don't understand why he won't let me be there for him."  
  
"Well, I do," she said.  She hesitated a moment, trying to find the most gentle way to tell him.  "Look, I've seen what an incredible difference you've made in his life.  He's healed a lot. But you make him feel very vulnerable, and right now, he knows he's got to be very strong.  And let's face it; we both know he's not. He's still really fragile…you must be able to see that.  And this trial is going to rip everything open... _again_.  And he's going to be the centre of attention... _again_.  And for all their pretense of concern about him, the police force is going to play this up for maximum effect.  I think he's afraid that he's not going to be able to handle it all.  I think he's afraid of breaking down...and I think he's really afraid of letting you see him that way."  
  
It was a possibility Adam hadn't considered.  Michelle held her tongue and waited for the words to sink in.  
  
"It's going to get bad," she said very gently.  "Very bad.  I'm sorry.  But it _is_.  I'm sure of that now."  
  
They walked for a minute in silence.  
  
"So what do I do to help him?" Adam said finally, desperately.  
  
"There isn't anything that any of us can do if he won't let us.  But he can't stop me from being at the trial and I promise you, I won't let him out of my sight.  And he'll have lots of old friends around him...he's not going to be alone.  It's not that I don't think he'd be a lot better off with you there, but you have to do whatever he's most comfortable with or he's going to push you away even more. In a warped way he's just trying to protect himself.   I'm sorry, Adam.  I know it hurts."  
  
"You're telling me that you think I _should_ stay away...is that it?"

"For now.  Just for now.  If he knows you're not going to be here, he might very well have second thoughts about it."  
  
After a moment, Adam said with great difficulty, "Well, the fact that I just left didn't seem to make him feel any different.  He more or less just told me that he doesn't want to see me anymore."

"Bullshit.  He's just scared.  Like I said, he's going to try to push you away.  Don't take it at face value."  
  
He was so clearly distraught that she hooked elbows with him and hugged his arm against her.  "Adam, as soon as I've dropped you off, I'll go back and try and talk to him.  Give him a couple of days to settle down. He's pretty strung out.   Once he's had some rest and thinks about things a little, he'll come around."  
  
"Will you call me and let me know how he is?"  
  
"Of course I will.  To be honest, I bet he calls _you_ by the end of the day.  And I promise that if I ever think he really needs you, I'll send for you and we'll just have to handle the fallout.  But believe me, you don't want to do anything that might set him off right now, okay?  You're just going to have to trust me."

* * * *

  
Once again, Michelle had misjudged it.  Returning from the airport, expecting Gus to be in a deep sulk somewhere in the house, she found instead that Gus had asked one of the Caruso-White employees to drive him home.  
  
When he arrived at his condo, Gus walked stone-faced past the handful of Adam's fans that were still lingering outside.  He told Len in no uncertain terms that no one, including Michelle McLaughlin, was to be let into the building.  Inside the apartment, he bolted and chained the door, took his phone of the hook, turned off the cell-phone, and disconnected his fax and his computer.   
  
In the doorway of his bedroom, he stopped dead.  He had been in such a rush to leave the morning of the fundraiser, that he hadn't made the bed and the sight of the tangled sheets and blankets and the memory of how they'd gotten that way was more than he could handle.  Instead, he took a large comforter from the linen closet, changed into pajamas and curled into a ball on the sofa, turning the television on low for company and clutching the cat.  
  
  



	28. Chapter 28

****Gus spent the night huddled alone and sleepless, steadying himself for what was coming next. By the morning, he had summoned every ounce of discipline he could find and focused himself on doing nothing more than getting through the next two weeks. It meant stripping out all the other distractions in his life, including Michelle and Adam and any thoughts of the future, but hardening everything inside was the only way he knew how to cope.  
  
It made him feel hopelessly cold and brittle and alone.  
  
As early as possible, he phoned Ted’ office. He hadn’t arrived yet, but his secretary seemed relieved to hear from Gus.  
  
“I’ve been trying to reach you since Friday.”  
  
“I’ve been out. I know I’m not supposed to see him until later this week, but I’d rather get it over with. Can he see me this morning?”  
  
There was a rustling of papers. “Actually, he does have some appointments, but under the circumstances, I think he’d want me to reschedule them.”  
  
“What circumstances?”  
  
“It’s probably better if he explains it to you himself.”  
  
Len called him a cab and then admitted that he’d had a visitor the evening before.  
  
“I told Mrs. McGavison what you told me to say. I don’t think she was very happy about it.”  
  
“I’m sorry if she gave you a hard time.”  
  
“Oh, she didn’t. She didn’t even really seem surprised. She was more...upset, I guess. She kept asking me if I thought you were all right.”  
  
Gus thanked him and tried to push the guilty thoughts out of his head.  
  
Arriving too early at Ted’ office, he had to sit uncomfortably in Reception until Ted was off a conference call. He nodded faintly to the people he knew as the receptionist led him down the hall and kept his head down to avoid inviting small talk.  
  
Ted stood up automatically as he came through the door. He had expected his first glimpse of Ted in over a year to be distressing but no matter how much he had numbed himself, the memories still came back in a painful rush. Steeling himself, Gus sat down in front of Ted’s desk and raised his eyes to meet Ted’s.  
  
“How are you?”  
  
“Fine.”  
“We were trying to get hold of you over the weekend.”  
  
“I wasn’t home.”  
  
“You weren’t answering your cell phone either.”  
  
“No. I wasn’t.”  
  
Gus looked away and was startled by the sight of the weekend paper on the edge of the desk. It was partially covered by file folders, but the front page, with its numerous pictures of the fundraiser, was still clearly visible.  
  
Following his eyes, Ted said, “I hear it was a big success. Congratulations.”  
  
Momentarily rattled, Gus turned a very direct gaze on him and said, “Thank you. But I’m not here to chat. Can we please just get started? I’m sure you have a busy schedule.”  
  
Ted sighed. “As a matter of fact, it just got busier. If I’d been able to reach you, I would have been able to tell you that the trial date’s been moved ahead by a week.”  
  
“Next week?” he said in horror.  
  
“A week today.”  
“Why, for God’s sake?”  
Ted frowned. “Because the trial ahead of us was over a lot faster than expected. The judge’s calendar is clear...you already said your calendar was clear, all the other principals are available, so we’re going ahead early. Gus, this is a good thing; what’s the problem?”  
  
“You might have told me.”  
  
“How the hell was I supposed to tell you when I couldn’t reach you?”  
  
Gus hadn’t expected an assault from this particular front. He couldn’t stop himself from displaying a momentary distress but clamping down on his emotions he said flatly, “Fine. That’s not a problem for me. Please. Let’s just get on with this.”  
  
As difficult as it was for both of them, they managed to keep the meeting as professional as possible. Ted took Gus through all of the steps of the trial, and Gus, being quite familiar with trial law anyway, seemed almost impatient with some of Ted’s explanations.  
  
“It’s not like I haven’t ever testified before,” Gus snapped at him.  
  
“This isn’t going to be like other trials you’ve testified at,” Ted tried to warn him. “It’s not the same when the case is personal. I’ve had dozens of witnesses tell me that. I don’t want you to be blindsided.”  
  
“I don’t intend to be,” Gus said stubbornly.  
  
He held up well until Ted began going over the details of his testimony. As Ted started throwing questions at him, testing his memory of the accident and his factual knowledge of the case, he began to show signs of strain.  
  
Ted didn’t like what he saw.  
  
“You can’t look this rattled on the stand. You’ve got to keep your cool. The jury has to believe you’re completely calm and rational about the whole thing. Don’t forget, the defense is going to be looking for ways to wind you up.”  
  
Ted pushed Gus as far as he thought his patience would stand, then he abruptly ended the conversation.  
  
“We’ll do this twice more,” he informed Gus. “My secretary will schedule a couple of times for you to come in.”  
  
“What else is there to cover?”  
  
“Christ, Gus...you know better. If you want to be prepared I have to take you through this more than once.” Observing the way Gus’ gaze dropped, Ted added, “Is it still that hard to talk about the accident...or is it just hard to talk to me?”  
  
Gus’ mouth had drawn into a tight thin line. “One just reminds me of the other,” he said finally.  
  
When Ted walked Gus to the door, they both reached for the door handle at the same time. Gus immediately pulled his hand back, but Adam’s bracelet snagged on the button at the cuff of Ted’ jacket hard enough to pull the bangle right off over his hand.  
  
“Sorry,” Ted said, and stooped to retrieve it. “Nice. Suits you. Where’d you get it?”  
  
Gus snatched it from him and slid it back into place. “It was a gift.”  
  
“Oh. You don&r


	29. Chapter 29

****When she heard the first crash, Michelle shot out of bed, cannoned off unfamiliar walls and doorframes and bolted into Gus’s room.  
  
She was nearly knocked flat by Gus staggering out. She grabbed for a hold and caught Gus by the arms, managing to stop Gus from getting out through the door by sheer force of will.  
  
“Gus…wait. Wait!”  
  
It had been a long time; she’d forgotten how violent and strong Gus could be when he was caught in one of his night-terrors. At least he wasn’t screaming, but he was stammering desperate unintelligible words and gasping for breath with his arms flailing.  
  
It was considered a general rule that one did not wake a sleepwalker, but in this particular case, Michelle didn’t feel she had much of a choice if she wanted to prevent Gus from hurting himself or demolishing the apartment. She shoved hard and Gus crashed back into the wall, sliding down into a heap with all the fight suddenly drained out of him.  
  
Fumbling for the wall switch, Michelle flicked on the lights and crouched down, daring to lift Gus’s chin to look in his eyes and finding to her shock that Gus was most definitely wide awake.  
  
“I can’t get him out,” Gus said brokenly, and his hands came up to clutch at Michelle’s wrists. “I can hear him begging me to help him…I know he’s dying and I can’t get him out...”  
  
“Gus, you were dreaming…”  
  
“I can’t get to him, Michelle.” His voice rose as the panic began again and the hands that were grabbing at Michelle’s became more desperate. “It just keeps happening over and over…I keep seeing him there…bleeding and begging me…and I can’t move…I can’t get him out…”  
  
Michelle caught him by the shoulders and sank down at his side, pulling Gus’s sweat-soaked head down close to hers and trying to control the shaking of her own voice. “Gus, it’s over. The accident is over. There’s nothing you can do now. There was nothing you could have done then.”  
  
They were both in tears. Blindly, Gus covered his face. “I know he’ll die if I can’t get him out…”  
  
Michelle choked back a sob. Struggling to control herself, she put her hands on either side of Gus’s face and forced his head up.  
  
“Gus…Gus…Nick is dead. He died instantly. There was nothing you could have done. He was already dead. Please stop this. You’re only dreaming about him…it’s not real. I’m sorry, Gus…I’m so sorry…but he’s dead. Nick is dead.”  
  
Gus’s eyes were confused and frightened, and a peculiar look crossed his face as if he suddenly realized what Michelle was talking about. Then he began to cry all over again, chest heaving and his broken words almost impossible to understand.  
  
“But it’s not Nick. I know…I know he was there…but that’s not what I see in my mind. I keep dreaming about the crash and I keep trying to get to him… but it’s not Nick, Michelle…it’s Adam. It’s Adam I keep seeing in the car. It’s Adam…and I can’t get to him and I can’t help him and I know he’s going to die...like Nick died…because I can’t get him out and I can’t stop the bleeding and there’s nobody there to help me…”  
  
He dissolved into heart-wrenching sobs. Shocked, Michelle could only hold him and wait for the hysteria to pass. He had no idea how long they sat huddled on the floor together, but when Gus’s panic had given way to weak listlessness, she managed to get Gus up on his feet and back into bed. She made sure Gus was calm and coherent enough to risk leaving him for a moment, then on the pretext of getting some water, she went back out into the living room.  
  
She was going to catch hell for it, but at this point Michelle didn’t feel she had much of a choice. Keeping her voice low so as not to alert Gus in the bedroom, Michelle picked the phone up off the desk and made two calls.  
  


* * * *

  
Gus was sitting up, leaning back against the headboard when Michelle let Michael in about twenty minutes later. Opening his eyes, Gus gave Michael a resentful stare.  
  
“Hi,” Michael said. “I just dropped by to see how you were doing.”  
  
“Bullshit,” said Gus, closing his eyes again. “It’s the middle of the night. I can tell a house-call when I see one. Your sister is a grade-A snitch.”  
  
Michael sat down beside him and without being asked, Gus just held out one arm, remaining silent while Michael held fingers against his pulse and then wrapped a blood-pressure cuff around his arm.  
  
“Were you running a marathon?” Michael asked as he pulled it back off.  
  
Gus smiled faintly. “Feels like it.”  
  
“I’m not surprised. Your pulse is racing and your BP is way too high. If you don’t calm down you’re going to stroke out.” He pressed two fingers hard into the flesh on Gus’ arm and noticed how long the indentation remained in the skin. “You’re pretty dehydrated, too. If you keep this up, you’re going to have to be put on IV to get some fluids into you. Are you listening?”  
  
“Don’t beat around the bush, doc. Give it to me straight.”  
  
“Do I sound like I’m trying to be funny?” Michael said gravely. “I’m not. You’re not in good shape. I’m going to give you something to make you sleep.”  
  
The eyes opened again. “Oh, come on Michael. I don’t need that crap.”  
  
“When was the last time you slept?”  
  
“A couple of hours ago. Oh, yeah…I forgot. Your sister’s been filling you in.”  
  
“Well, you can forget about giving her a hard time,” Michael retorted, digging back in his case and withdrawing a syringe and a vial. “You should have seen a doctor back when this started.”  
  
“Michael, you know I hate needles. Don’t you have something I can swallow?”  
  
“Sure I do,” Michael replied steadily, filling the syringe. “And when was the last time you managed to keep anything down?”  
  
Gus rolled his head to one side and glared at Michelle. “Tattletale.”  
  
“Well you’d better start. Water, if nothing else. I’m serious, Gus. You need fluids.” Glancing up at Michelle, he said, “Go get some ice cubes and crush them into chips. I want a cupful. Until he goes to sleep, make sure he always has ice in his mouth, okay? He should be able to keep that down.”  
  
“Ouch,” said Gus.  
  
“You’re lucky I’m just sticking you in the arm and not sticking you in an ambulance,” Michael said, swabbing the needle mark. “How’s your back?”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“Don’t give me fine. How is it? Are you having any spasms?”  
  
“No,” said Gus.  
  
“Yes,” said Michelle.  
  
Gus rolled his eyes. “How come she gives the answers and I get the needles?”  
  
Michael frowned at him. “Well, that shot I just gave you should ease some of the pain. Mostly you just need to relax.”  
  
Gus sighed. “Well, in about eight hours I have to be in court. If I’m too doped to answer questions, I’m mentioning your name to the judge.” He turned his head back to look at Michelle, and already his eyes were starting to lose their focus.  
  
“Promise me you won’t say anything to about this to Adam,” he murmured.  
  
“What?” Michelle said, startled.  
  
“Come on, Michelle…promise me. I don’t want him to know.”  
  
Michelle folded her arms and looked away.  
  
“Michelle,” Gus said warningly. He leaned forward until Michael firmly pushed him back and gave his sister his own warning frown.  
  
“All right,” Michelle snapped. “I promise. I promise I won’t tell him anything more than what he already knows, okay?”  
  
Satisfied, Gus offered no further argument. Accepting the cup of ice that was offered, he obediently took a mouthful of chips. Michael sat with him and made sure he kept the ice melting in his mouth at all times, until he relaxed back against the headboard a bit and he gently lay Gus back down.  
  
Covering him with the blankets, Michael waited with his hand on Gus’ pulse until it dropped to a level that indicated the sedative was kicking in. A few minutes later, Gus was asleep, and Michael took hold of Michelle’s arm and took her back out into the living room.  
  
“It’s a good thing you called me. Jesus, Michelle…how long has he been like this?”  
  
Michelle rubbed her eyes, momentarily revealing her distress. “He says it’s only been a couple of days, but it’s probably been longer. He really frightened me. One minute he was asleep and I thought he was all right and the next minute he was practically climbing the walls.”  
  
Her brother put one hand on her arm. “You’re not getting much sleep yourself. What condition do you think you’re going to be in for court?”  
  
“I’ll be all right,” she said stubbornly. “If he sleeps through the night now, I can get some rest. But Michael…” She twisted her hands bleakly. “You’ve got to tell me the truth. Is he having some kind of nervous breakdown?”  
  
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. He was pretty lucid in there; even a bit like his usual self. I’d say it was more like a panic attack brought on by the nightmares. Sort of like Post-Traumatic Stress…old memories are coming back to haunt him and they’re setting him off the night-terrors again.”  
  
Hugging her to him, he added, “This should all be over once the trial is finished. It doesn’t help that he’s got to deal with Ted, and maybe that’s what’s really on his mind tonight. His imagination is probably on overload. After tomorrow, he might calm down.”  
  
Michelle didn’t look convinced.  
  
“Do you want me to stay?”  
  
“No. Thanks.” Michelle hunched her shoulders and then let them fall. “I think the rest of the night will be quiet enough. Is he going to be awake enough for court tomorrow?”  
  
“Yeah. That sedative will wear off in about six hours. But he’s so tired; he should sleep straight through until morning. Just make sure you keep pumping fluids into him, even if you can’t get him to keep any food down.”  
  
At the door, he paused. “As long as there’s no emergencies tomorrow afternoon, I should be able to be at the courthouse after lunch. But if things start to look bad in the morning, get my office to page me. I’ll either come myself or get one of my buddies to come out.”  
  
“Thanks,” Michelle said with a wry smile. “But hopefully, I won’t need to take you up on that.” She glanced back in the direction of the bedroom. “He’ll probably make me pay for it from now until eternity, but I’m working on bringing in another kind of help.”  
  


* * * *

  
Gus was awake but very subdued when Michelle went to check on him in the morning. They didn’t speak much while Michelle made sure Gus got showered and dressed in plenty of time, although Gus only turned his face away at the suggestion of dry toast or crackers to give himself some strength.  
  
When Len called up to say the cab had arrived, Gus took one last look at himself in the mirror. The suit he wore was black and very severe, trying to look as serious and businesslike as possible, making his eyes stand out even more in his pale face.  
  
He was all right until they got in sight of the courthouse, and then he began to shake. Predictably, the steps were crowded with journalists and camera crews, causing a momentary panic in him and tempting him to direct the driver around the back and into the parking garage. But mindful of the fact that more than a handful of his former fellow officers were also standing out front, ready to offer him moral support, and remembering Ted’s words about the need to show his face, he bit back his words and clutched Michelle’s hand.  
  
“I’m not sure I can do this,” he said, low.  
  
“Sure you can,” Michelle said very calmly. “You just stick right beside me and keep walking. There’s no need to talk to anybody. We’ll just go straight inside, okay?”  
  
Blindly, Gus nodded but froze when Michelle opened the door and got out.  
  
“Let’s go,” Michelle said, reaching back in to take Gus’s arm and gently pulling.  
  
How Gus got to his feet she would never know, and he had to struggle to keep a perfectly blank face, even as he tried to nod gratefully at the friends and former colleagues who were standing in the background. He ignored the questions fired at him by the reporters and tried to ignore the flashbulbs and video cameras, but became increasingly agitated when Michelle, for all her talk of going straight inside, seemed to be hovering far too long halfway up the steps.  
  
“Oh, you darling man,” Michelle said suddenly, drawing Gus’ startled attention. Taking hold of her friend’s arm, Michelle reversed direction, trying to pull Gus back down the steps and making Gus balk and protest.  
  
“What the hell are you doing?” he hissed, until Michelle stopped him with a jerk at his sleeve.  
  
“If I’m off your Christmas list for this, I’m sorry. But I did what I thought needed to be done. So sue me.”  
  
She pointed and Gus swiveled his head around in confusion, wondering what the hell his friend was playing at and conscious that he was remaining in the spotlight far longer than he had originally intended.  
  
In his distressed state of mind, his first disjointed thought was that it didn’t make any sense that Jeremy was in Toronto. When he saw the dark head hurrying along behind him, he gasped and what was left of the color in his face promptly drained out.  
  
Creating his own right of way by virtue of his size, Jeremy cleared a path through the crowd and walked straight up to them with Adam hard on his heels. There was a moment’s open-mouthed silence from the crowd, followed by rampant whispering and a buzz of excitement through the horde of reporters that was evidence that they were suddenly aware that their story had gotten a whole hell of a lot more interesting.  
  
“I’m sorry we’re late,” Jeremy said apologetically to Michelle. “Traffic.”  
  
“Thank God you’re here,” she replied with a grim smile. “And as far as I’m concerned, you’re right on time.”  
  
Adam hesitated, uncertain of his reception. Gus stared at him, then at Michelle, who put her hands on her hips defiantly, then back at Adam.  
  
“Don’t blame her,” Adam said. “She called me because I told her to. You’re not doing this without me.”  
  
Gus’s head went down and his eyes closed. Ignoring the sudden rabid attention of the media around them, he took a few halting steps forward until his face was hidden against Adam’s chest and he felt Adam’s hands on his shoulders.  
  
“I could kill you,” Gus said brokenly. “Except I’ve never been so glad to see anyone before in my life.”  
Looking over Gus’s shoulder, Adam nodded at Jeremy, who immediately ushered them up the steps, running interference for them on one side while Michelle ran up the steps on the other. Inside the doors, out of sight of the cameras, Gus began to shake very badly and Adam, gathering Gus in against him, looked anxiously at Michelle for direction.  
  
The courthouse was full of people and they were too early. Finding a semi secluded corner, grateful that the media was kept outside, Adam sat Gus down on a bench with Jeremy and Michelle standing guard behind them and blocking them from the stares of the curious.  
  
Adam was appalled at how thin Gus was, by the pallor of his face and worst of all by how severely he was shivering. They sat with their heads close together, hands clasped, and after a few moments, Gus relaxed fractionally.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he kept murmuring.  
  
“Well, get used to it. I’m not leaving until this is all over. And here.” He fumbled in one pocket and withdrew a small envelope. “Tommy sent this. And everybody else sends their love and says to keep your chin up.”  
  
Gus stared at the little envelope and when Adam took a second to stand up and talk to Michelle, he opened it and withdrew the folded letter.  
  
It was very brief, but it brought a rush of tears to his eyes. Fighting them back, he unbuttoned the jacket of his suit and slid it into the inside pocket.  
  
Michelle raised her eyebrows at Adam’s expression when he leaned his head in close to speak to her.  
  
“My God, Michelle...how much weight has he lost? He looks like he’s about to fall apart.” More than a little shaken, he closed his eyes and rubbed them. “I never thought it was this bad. I should have been here from the very beginning.”  
  
“Like I told you before,” Michelle sighed. “It only would have wound him up even more. I hate to say it, but he had to get bad enough to know that he needed you here before he would have ever let you anywhere near him.” More gently, she said, “It’s okay now. Between the two of us, we’ll get him through this. And I’ve got my brother on stand-by in case he can’t cope.” She nudged him with her elbow. “Go and sit with him. Things should start soon.”  
  
Gus smiled tremulously at Adam when he sat back down beside Gus and he took Gus’ hand and kissed it. They sat quietly together until Michelle leaned in over their shoulders and warned them with a murmur.  
  
“Ted is here.”  
  
Gus unconsciously squared his shoulders then stiffened when Ted stopped in front of them and gave Adam an unwelcome glare. Adam glared back and it didn’t escape him exactly what Gus would have found attractive in this man, who was very tall, powerfully built and Nordic-looking with his classical, blonde, blue-eyed features.  
  
“I don’t suppose you’ve got any idea what you’ve stirred up by just arriving here without warning anyone,” Ted snapped. “The press is going berserk.”  
  
“Lay off, Ted,” Gus said defensively.  
  
Aware that antagonism wasn’t going to help Gus, Adam simply stood up, extended his hand and introduced himself. But there was enough warning in his eyes that Ted let his criticism drop and simply shook hands. Then he turned to Gus, dismissing Adam as if he wasn’t even there.  
  
“You’re first up. Are you ready?”  
  
Gus nodded, but his mouth trembled.  
  
“Remember what I told you. Just answer the questions; don’t volunteer anything. Keep it short and to the point, and with any luck we can get to cross examination this afternoon and get this all over so we don’t have to carry it over the weekend.”  
  
“Is that likely?” Michelle said in surprise.  
  
“So far, Dan’s being remarkably low key about the whole thing. He’s not pushing any points of law and he’s hardly made a dent in any of the other witnesses. It may be that he’s just in damage control mode, and he won’t get too aggressive.”  
  
“Maybe he’s just picking his moment.” Adam suggested.  
  
They exchanged another pointed glare. Then Ted gave a twisted smile.  
  
“Well, he’s not going to get a chance, because I’m going to get there first. That’s my job. Whatever he plans to try on a witness, I have to anticipate and head him off. I don’t expect you to understand it.”  
  
“Don’t be patronizing,” Michelle snapped. “Adam’s got a point.”  
  
“And I told you, Michelle…Dan’s not going to get a chance.”  
  
“What the hell is he talking about?” Adam whispered to Michelle when court convened and they walked Gus along the corridor.  
  
“I’m not sure,” Michelle said a bit grimly. “But I’m not sure I like it. Ted can get downright cutthroat on defense witnesses…I just hope he isn’t planning to use any of those tactics on Gus.”  
  
As it turned out, that was exactly what Ted had in mind. Sitting between Adam and Michelle, aware of the stares they were all getting and immensely grateful that cameras and microphones had been banned from the room, Gus sat quietly while the trial got back underway. When his name was called, he started like he’d been shot, then looked wide-eyed at Adam.  
  
“Go on,” Adam said, squeezing his hand. “Good luck.”  
  


* * * *

  
It started innocuously enough with simple questions about his name and rank and what had occurred immediately prior to intercepting the robbery call.  
  
Gus kept his voice clear and as steady as possible, letting Ted lead him through a series of factual statements until they reached the crux of the matter.  
  
“Have you ever seen the defendant before?”  
  
“Yes,” Gus replied, his gaze flickering briefly to the accused.  
  
“More than once? Before today?”  
  
“Only once.”  
  
“On that occasion, where was the defendant and what was he doing?”  
  
“He was leaning out of the passenger side window of a vehicle that was approaching us at a high rate of speed. He had a handgun, which he repeatedly fired at my car.”  
  
“Repeatedly? How many times?”  
  
“Four, I think,” Gus said, then kicked himself for not sounding absolutely certain. “I mean, he fired four shots.”  
  
“How do you know?”  
  
“I heard them.”  
  
“That information was also made public as part of the forensic analysis. Are you sure you didn’t draw that conclusion from what you may have heard of the report?”  
  
“I heard four shots,” Gus said steadily.  
  
“Did any of the shots strike your vehicle?”  
  
“One. The fourth one.”  
  
“Where?”  
  
“The left front tire.”  
  
Ted abruptly switched topics. “How fast was your vehicle moving?”  
  
“I’ve been told that the estimated speed was eighty-five kilometers per hour.”  
  
“You’ve been told? You didn’t notice?”  
  
“I wasn’t driving. I was concentrating on the road, not the speedometer.”  
  
“While you were concentrating,” Ted said, putting careful emphasis on the word. “What did you see?”  
  
Gus took a deep breath. “A late model Chrysler, emerald green, four doors, driver’s side headlight burned out and missing the passenger side mirror. Two occupants in the front seats. Driver with a baseball cap. Passenger with a beard. They were approaching us at a high rate of speed and then crossed over the centre line into our lane of traffic.”  
  
“And at approximately what point in the approach did the driver begin shooting?”  
  
Knowing Ted was deliberately trying to emphasize his reliability and attention to detail, Gus replied evenly, “The passenger began firing with the car was approximately one hundred meters away.”  
  
“Did you get that information from the forensics report?”  
  
“No. That’s my own judgment of the distance.”  
  
“That’s pretty accurate considering the speed you were at. Forensics estimated one hundred and twenty meters. Are you normally that observant”  
  
“I’m trained to be,” Gus said simply.  
  
There were more questions, all covering information that was already widely known while Ted worked to establish Gus’s credibility as a witness and a police office trained in observation. He talked Gus through his recollection of each detail, right up to until the point of the accident, focusing more and more on his identification of the passenger in the car.  
  
“Mr. Harrison, is it your professional opinion that the defendant was the man in the passenger side of the vehicle that fired at you?”  
  
“Objection,” Dan said lazily. “He hasn’t been established as an expert witness. He’s one of the victims, for Pete’s sake.”  
  
Ted looked at the judge. “That doesn’t negate his qualifications.”  
  
“He wasn’t even on duty!” Dan argued.  
  
“Technically his shift was over, but he was still responding to a call at the time. On duty or not, he was still working in a professional capacity.”  
  
“Go ahead, Mr. Francis,” the judge agreed. “But the jury will note that the witness is not considered an expert witness in the legal sense of the word, however, he is clearly qualified to make professional observations for purposes of police identification.”  
  
Ted turned back to Gus. “Your description of the suspect that fired at your car stated that he had a beard.” He swept a hand toward the accused. “This man obviously doesn’t.”  
  
“They do come off, from what I hear,” Gus said with a hint of a smile.  
  
The gallery chuckled, but it was clear that complacency was setting in. None of this information was new and most of the observers resigned themselves to the fact that nothing at all exciting was liable to happen until cross-examination.”  
  
Ted had asked all the questions to this point while moving back and forth between Gus and the jury, looking directly at Gus during the question and looking directly at the jury during his answer.  
  
Now he turned his back on both and walked back to his desk, idly straightening pens and paper and asking the next question almost too casually.  
  
“Mr. Harrison, in your professional, rational, factual identification of the suspect in this case, where does emotion come in?”  
  
“Emotion?” Gus said blankly.  
  
“Yes. Emotion. What part does that play in your identification?”  
  
Gus narrowed his eyes. “As a police officer, I am trained to take emotion out of the equation and work with factual information only.”  
  
“No ‘gut’ feelings?”  
  
“All cops have gut feelings,” Gus retorted. “But no cop makes an ID based on a gut feeling alone. There has to be evidence.”  
  
“Maybe not a cop,” he agreed. “But what about a victim?”  
  
“Oh, shit,” said Michelle in an undertone to Adam. “This is going to get ugly.”  
  
“Why?” Adam whispered back.  
  
“This is what he meant by getting to Gus before the cross examination. He’s going to try and discredit his ID based on the fact that he was so deeply affected by the accident that he couldn’t possibly have made an unbiased identification.”  
  
“He’s the prosecutor,” Adam hissed.  
  
“I know. I understand what he’s doing, but I hope to hell he watches his step. He is not the person to be pushing Gus’ buttons right now.”  
  
Pushing buttons was all Ted did for the next hour and a half. His objective was to prove that despite the horrible way he had suffered, Gus’s eventual identification of the suspect was in no way driven by emotional distress or any desire to speed up the arrest process.  
  
“Weren’t you upset by the fact that the arrest took so long?”  
  
Gus clenched his teeth. “I was unconscious for a good part of that time. When I wasn’t unconscious I was being heavily medicated for pain. I wasn’t aware of the passage of time very much.”  
  
“So you just gave your description of the suspects and of the accident to the best of your recollection when you were interviewed?”  
  
“I did.”  
  
“Under such heavy medication, wouldn’t your judgment and recollection have been off?”  
  
“I was interviewed on four separate occasions. My statement didn’t vary on any of those occasions.”  
  
“What was your emotional state like at that time?”  
  
Gus swallowed. “Naturally, I was devastated. I was badly injured. My partner had been killed.”  
  
Ted went through it all in nauseating detail. From the hours that he was trapped in the car, to the emergency surgery to repair his internal injuries, to the first few days when the doctors gave him borderline chances for survival, right up to the last operation on his spine and the months of physio that followed.  
  
He asked Gus to confirm that his injury had ended his law enforcement career and that he still suffered from considerable pain due to the damage to his spine.  
  
Gus was struggling to stay focused but finding it increasingly difficult to hold up under this line of questioning. When Ted began implying that he must have felt a tremendous amount of pressure to help speed up the arrest, Adam started digging his fingers into Michelle’s arm.  
  
“He’s going to push him too far if he doesn’t stop.”  
  
Gus’s reply was steady, but it only got worse. Ted started firing a series of short, absolutely brutal questions at him, including asking him how he could have possibly been unbiased about the investigation when he lay in such pain and with so much of his life destroyed.  
  
“Are you certain that your identification couldn't have been motivated by a need for revenge? Or to prove that you were still a good cop? Or to somehow try and make up for the fact that your partner had been killed and you’d been unable to prevent it? Wasn’t there guilt? And anger? Didn’t you just want to get even for everything that had been taken away from you? Would it have mattered who was arrested as long as somebody was?”  
  
Gus had gone ashen. Before he could answer, the judge intervened.  
  
“Mr. Francis!” he said suddenly, drawing all eyes towards the bench. “I don’t understand where this is going. You’re badgering your own witness.”  
  
“Yes, your Honor,” Ted replied mildly. “I am. And I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that despite my badgering, Mr. Harrison is still very much in control of his emotions and is dealing the facts of this case in a completely rational manner. Even after all this time and all that he has been through, his memory is clear and he is not allowing his feelings to color his interpretation of the facts. There’s nothing to suggest that he’s in any way liable to have made his identification of this defendant based on rashness or guilt or grief or anger. I’m sure there might be some implication that’s the case here…and clearly it’s not. ”  
  
He glanced at the defense counsel and shrugged laconically. “And on that note, Your Honor…I don’t have any other questions for this witness.”  
  
  
[<< Chapter Twenty-Eight](http://aidalma.livejournal.com/9245.html)  
[Chapter Thirty >>](http://aidalma.livejournal.com/10033.html)  
  



	30. Chapter 30

****The recess for lunch was an overwhelming relief. Gus was in such shock that he just sat silently while Michelle went up one side of Ted and down the other for his actions in the courtroom.  
  
“Jesus, could you have been any more barbaric? How could you stand there and say those things to him? You didn’t even warn him…did you? You just went at him like that for effect, you bastard…you didn’t even think about how much it was going to hurt him.”  
  
“Better it comes from me now that in cross examination later,” Ted insisted.  
  
“That’s my point. You’ve never even considered how it would affect him to hear those things from you. If it had been Jack, it would have been different. I warned you he’s been close to the edge about all of this. You’re lucky he didn’t snap. You may have done so much damage that he won’t stand up in cross-examination, did you ever think of that?”  
  
Michelle was in such a state that Adam stood up from where he was crouched in front of Gus and pulled Michelle around to face him.  
  
“Take it easy,” he murmured to her, and then over Michelle’s shoulder, he said curtly to Ted, “You should probably go somewhere else for awhile.”  
  
Ignoring him, Ted stepped around Adam to Gus, putting one hand on his shoulder and making him jump. “You did a good job. I don’t think Dan will be able to discredit your ID after that. This afternoon should be easier.”  
  
Gus’s head came up. His face was expressionless, but his eyes were full of reproach. It wasn’t until Ted was gone and Adam turned his face to look at him that Gus’ mouth began to tremble and he closed his eyes. He spent the entire lunch break with his head down on Adam’s shoulder, just trying to get his composure back.  
  
The afternoon was long and drawn out. Dan had to spend a considerable amount of time trying to plug the holes that Ted had put in his defense before he was even able to start working on Gus with his own questions. He’d regrouped a little during the lunch break, but it was obvious that his primary approach had been sabotaged and that his case wasn’t as strong without it. Still numb from the morning’s line of questioning, Gus responded to each point without flinching and he had no more success in making him look unreliable or biased than Ted had. But it was clear that he was tiring and Adam and Michelle both began fretting that he’d start to unravel if pushed too far. To his credit, Gus made it through the entire testimony in complete control although he began to get very wan and listless by the time Dan admitted he had no further questions.  
  
The judge dismissed him, and at the same time noted the late hour and suspended the trial for the weekend. As the judge stood up to leave the rest of the courtroom rose as instructed, with the exception of Gus who sat absolutely still.  
  
Ignoring the chatter of people around him, Adam pushed past Michelle and Jeremy and headed directly for the witness box.  
  
Ted grabbed Adam’s arm as he went by. “Where do you think you’re going?”  
  
“He can’t stand up,” Adam said angrily. “He’s be sitting so long that his legs are probably numb. Let me go.”  
  
Startled, Ted released him. When Adam reached Gus, he just held up his arms to Adam without a word and Adam gently lifted him to his feet.  
  
“It’s all right,” he said very softly against Gus’ ear. “Hang on to me.”  
  
Ted had followed Adam over. When Gus looked up, he found Ted watching him soberly.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
He nodded.  
  
“You did fine. You can relax now.”  
  
Adam was very close to losing his temper completely. “Relax? After what you put him through this morning and what he’s just gone through this afternoon? Everybody tries to wind him up like a top and then he’s just supposed to relax?”  
  
Michelle appeared at Adam’s side. She squeezed Gus’s arm and smiled at him, then said in a curt undertone, “Do you think we can get out of here please?”  
  
They found a small, unoccupied room and gave Gus a few minutes to gather himself before they ventured out to the car. Gus was absolutely raw and exhausted and barely registered anything that Ted said to the group as he quickly gave them his evaluation of how the day had gone.  
  
He was only cautiously optimistic.  
  
“I thought it was all downhill from here,” Michelle said in dismay.  
  
“There’s no doubt that this testimony was the most important in terms of identifying the suspect as the shooter. That went well; I don’t think they doubt Gus’s ID at all. But if you think that this over...that we’ve got this all wrapped up; well, we don’t. On Monday, we’re going to have dueling expert witnesses. I’m going to trot out my eminently qualified forensics engineer who’s going to give his opinion that it was the shot that hit the front tire of Nick’s car that caused the accident. And Dan is going to trot out his eminently qualified forensics engineer who’s going to give his opinion that it didn’t.”  
  
“So?” said Adam. “What difference does that make? The facts are going to support your case aren’t they?”  
  
“Yes and no.”  
  
“Yes and no? How can that be?”  
  
“Because Gus has always maintained that the other car swerved across the centre line in to the wrong side of the road and came straight at them. So Nick had to swerve to avoid it. He couldn’t go to the right because the shoulder was blocked off for construction. So he swerved left; the tire marks clearly show he did. The defense is going to claim that when Nick swerved, it was the fact that the car dropped off the edge of the pavement and hit the guardrail that caused it to become airborne and that the bullet striking the tire happened after the car was already out of control.”  
  
“What the hell difference does that make?” Adam said incredulously. “A car being driven straight at you is just as dangerous a weapon as a gun.”  
  
“You’re right. It can still be argued that there was intent to murder. No one disputes that.”  
  
“So if it’s still murder if you use a car to try and kill someone, why does it matter whether the car caused the accident or the shot did? ”  
  
Michelle put her hand on Adam’s arm. “Because if they can prove that the other car caused the accident by making Nick swerve then that means Nick died because of the actions of the driver, not the passenger.”  
  
“They never caught the driver,” Gus said very quietly.  
  
“No,” said Ted. “And he’s not on trial here. The bottom line is, if the defense can create enough of a question about the actual cause of the accident, then it doesn’t matter if they believe the accused was the one firing at the car, because the shot wasn’t the reason the car went out of control.”  
  
“So maybe Nick was swerving to avoid the shots, not the car!” Adam snapped.  
  
“Prove it,” Ted said simply. “I’m not sure I can. You’ve heard about reasonable doubt?” He rose and gathered his briefcase and files. “If there’s enough of it, the most that this guy will get is a conviction on dangerous use of a firearm and with the time he’s already served, that means he walks. This could all still be for nothing.”  
  
The last straw was when he insisted that Gus leave the courthouse by the front doors and walk past the media.  
  
“No,” said Adam.  
  
Ted glared at him. “Look, I don’t give a damn whether you leave by the front door, the back door or the roof. But he needs to make an appearance so that the press and public remember exactly what this trial is all about. Gus and Michelle go out the front door. I’ve already called a cab for them. I’ll walk them out to the car myself.”  
  
Adam crossed his arms. “He doesn’t go anywhere without me.”  
  
“Oh, yeah...that’ll settle the press down. I thought you were worried about him? Or are you trying to drum up some publicity for the next album?”  
  
“Cut it out, both of you!” Michelle snapped. She pointed at Gus, who was looking distinctly unwell. “Adam, Ted is right. Let me get him get out of here. Once we're gone, you and Jeremy can grab a cab and follow along behind. We’ve got to go back to Gus’s to get my car, and then I had planned to take him up to The Farm. We’ll meet you there. Just please make sure you aren’t followed.”  
  
Adam hesitated, then he gently took Gus aside. “Is that okay with you?”  
  
His nod was barely perceptible, but he smiled weakly when Adam kissed his forehead and touched his cheek for a moment.  
  
They were waiting silently in the foyer for word that the taxi had arrived when Ted suddenly turned very deliberately to Gus and said, “Are you free for dinner tomorrow night?”  
  
Jaws dropped. It seemed impossible, but Gus went even whiter than before.  
  
Ted glanced casually around the group. “I mean all of you, of course. I was speaking to Jack this morning, Gus, and he’d really like to see you. Naturally, Marissa won’t let him come anywhere near the courthouse, so he asked me if I’d pass on an invitation to his house for dinner tomorrow night.” He looked at Gus. “I’m sure you’d like to talk to him about how the case is going.”  
  
Gus stared at him. Ted was just about to repeat the question when suddenly, to everyone else’s astonishment, he nodded.  
  
“I’d like that.”  
  


* * * *

  
  
Adam and Jeremy managed to make a clean get-away from the courthouse and ended up arriving at The Farm before Gus and Michelle did, prompting worries that they’d had trouble with the press or been waylaid at Gus’s condo. But when they finally arrived, Michelle took Gus straight upstairs and then caught Adam in the hall as she came back out of the bedroom.  
  
She pulled him aside, looking emotional and unsteady. Adam braced himself.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“When we got to his place, he said he wanted to go up to feed the cat. But when we went in, he locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out. He wouldn’t talk to me or even let me know he was all right. It must have been twenty minutes...I was almost ready to call 911...”  
  
Adam cursed and put his arms around her. “I knew...I knew I should have stayed with you...”  
  
He’d never seen Michelle so close to tears. “I know that walking past all the media had upset him. And there were reporters at his place too; that didn’t help. I could tell it had shaken him up pretty badly, but...when he wouldn’t come out or answer me...I...I was afraid he’d done something stupid. Then suddenly he just opened the door. He said he just needed a few minutes alone, and now he seems perfectly okay...but, God...he scared me...”  
  
She clung to him for a minute, then composed herself and straightened up distractedly.  
  
“You’d better go and see him. I’m going to get some dinner organized. I know you probably don’t feel like it any more than I do, but we’ve got to eat something.”  
  
Gus had already changed into a light bathrobe when Adam cautiously slipped in the room. He looked up immediately and Adam was amazed to see that Gus did actually look very calm and clear-headed. Emotion and fatigue were still obvious, but his eyes were brighter and he smiled when he saw Adam.  
  
The relief of being able to hold Gus against him was dulled somewhat by the shock of how little there actually was to hold. The thin robe did nothing to disguise his weight loss and Adam could clearly feel Gus’ ribs under his hands. Once again he berated himself for having stayed away for so long.  
  
“The worst is over now,” he whispered to Gus and they stood for a long time just leaning against each other.  
  
Gus nodded silently.  
  
“Michelle is just organizing something for dinner. Do you want to come downstairs?”  
  
Gus shook his head. “I want to take a shower. I really don’t feel like being around anyone else right now. I’d rather we just ate up here.”  
  
Adam smoothed Gus’ hair back from his forehead and kissed it. “Okay, I’ll bring something back up.” But he stood for another minute touching Gus’ face and looking in his eyes and then he asked very gently, “What happened at your apartment?”  
  
Gus looked down at the floor. The panic attack had struck without warning, and he’d barely been able to get into the bathroom and lock the door before he had to get down on his hands and knees because she couldn’t breathe. In trying to hide it Gus knew he had frightened Michelle but the terror had passed quickly, thank God, and he chalked it up to a simple delayed reaction to the stress of the testimony.  
  
“I just needed a few minutes by myself,” he replied.  
  
“Are you sure that’s all?”  
  
“I’m sure,” he murmured. He lifted his head and brushed a quick kiss against Adam’s mouth before turning away. “Don’t worry about me. Like you said...the worst is over now.”  
  
He convinced Adam just about as well as he had convinced himself. Adam was still so troubled that he waited until he heard the shower start, opened the bathroom door to make sure Gus hadn’t locked himself in, and then waited until he emerged again.  
  
He expected Gus to balk about eating but to his surprise, he did consume a little bit of salad and pasta. But he showed no interest in going back downstairs and was very subdued when Michelle came up to check on him.  
  
“Are you sure you’re up to going to Jack’s tomorrow night?”  
  
“I’d like to see him,” Gus said quietly.  
  
“So go and see him...but come on, Gus…dinner? You’re not exactly in a social mood. And with Ted there of all people? ”  
  
Gus narrowed his eyes and Michelle raised both hands in surrender.  
  
"Fine. If you happen to change your mind, I’m sure Jack will understand.”  
  
Gus remained silent and after a moment, Michelle looked at Adam and shrugged helplessly.  
  
“You should probably get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”  
  
She hugged Gus on the way out and was touched when Gus put both arms around her and hugged back tightly.  
  
“Don’t go getting all mushy on me,” Michelle warned. “I’m feeling shaky enough as it is.”  
  
She left them alone and once she was gone, Gus leaned back in his chair and heaved a deep sigh. When Adam glanced over, he found Gus was sitting with his head tilted to one side, watching Adam wistfully.  
  
“Are you okay?” he said, very gentle.  
  
“I still can’t believe you’re here.”  
  
Adam wasn’t sure the topic would be well received, but it seemed like the most obvious opening he was going to get. “Yeah, well…while we’re on that subject...”  
  
Adam pulled Gus up from his seat and stood holding him by the shoulders, careful not to reveal how frustrated he’d become while still determined to show Gus he was deadly serious.  
  
“I want to make something perfectly clear before we go any further. I promise that I will always try to respect your feelings on things like this that are so personal and painful. But I never should have left you in the first place and I will never leave you like that again, do you understand?”  
  
Gus’ eyes went very wide, but he didn’t move.  
  
“From now on, we go through anything like this together. Don’t bother trying to send me away, because I won’t go.”  
  
Gus’ gaze flickered downwards. Adam gave him a very gentle shake until he looked back up at him.  
  
“If you’re not going to agree to that, you need to tell me now.”  
  
Gus swallowed. “I’ve made things so difficult for you…”  
  
“Yes. You have. It’s been incredibly difficult not being with you when I know what you’ve been going through.”  
  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
  
“Well, it’s what I mean. The rest doesn’t matter.”  
  
A hint of a smile curved his mouth. “Is that the general consensus among your band? And your management company? Aren’t they all just a little bit uptight with you not being where you’re supposed to be?”  
  
“Everybody understands.”  
  
“Uh huh. Right.”  
  
“Are we agreed, or not?”  
  
The mouth curved a bit more. “What if I say no?”  
  
Adam blinked. “Well…then…”  
  
“You’d leave?”  
  
“I didn’t say that.”  
  
“Then…what exactly would you do?”  
  
Adam gave him an exasperated look.  
  
“You’d make a lousy blackmailer,” Gus observed. “You can’t threaten someone worth a damn.”  
  
“Will you please be serious?”  
  
Gus sobered abruptly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making light of it. I guess I’ve just had enough of being serious today.”  
  
Despondency settled over his face again, and Adam pulled Gus’ head in against his shoulder.  
  
His voice was muffled.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
Gus turned his head slightly. “I said that I don’t know whether or not I would have made it through today without you.”  
  
Touched, Adam kissed his temple. “You would have. You’re so incredibly strong. I don’t know how you did it. I was a basket case just watching you and so was Michelle.”  
  
“I don’t feel very strong. Right now…I just feel…like there’s nothing left. Just empty.”  
  
“That’s probably lack of food,” he said wryly.  
  
“I ate dinner,” Gus retorted.  
  
“Don’t be self-righteous. I can see exactly how little you’ve been eating.” Rubbing his cheek against Gus’ hair, Adam assured him, “That’s going to stop.”  
  
“Oh, here we go with the threats again.”  
  
Adam sighed. “Is it so hard,” he whispered. “Letting somebody take care of you? Why do you have to fight it so much?”  
  
Gus didn’t answer, but he also didn’t resist when Adam firmly insisted that he was going to bed. He was so worn out that his eyes closed the moment his head hit the pillow, but Adam sat down beside him to make sure he dropped off to sleep and to his consternation, after a few minutes of tossing restlessly, he began to shiver.  
  
Without hesitating Adam lay down and pulled Gus in against him, trying to calm him with soft words and comforting touches.  
  
“It’s just the shock kicking in,” he whispered. “You’re okay.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Gus said dully. “Nights are just really hard for me lately.”  
  
“I know.” Adam tightened his arms around him and admitted, “Michelle told me that you were dreaming about me.”  
  
Gus stiffened. Adam just kept brushing his fingers against his skin, always keeping contact with him and pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead.  
  
“I’m here. I’m all right. Nothing’s going to happen to me. The dreams will stop when this is all over.”  
  
“I hope so,” Gus said, suddenly tearful.  
  
He curled tightly in a ball beside Adam and they just lay in silence in the darkness. He was tense and rigid for a very long time; then he suddenly unwound, stretched with a deep sigh and snuggled extremely close.  
  
He got so comfortable and relaxed that he wasn’t even aware that he was tracing his fingers over Adam’s chest and Adam, wide awake, found his senses were so attuned to Gus that he couldn’t stop himself from stroking Gus either. Even as Gus grew drowsy and began to doze, he unconsciously pressed closer whenever Adam touched a sensitive spot until Adam couldn’t resist turning Gus’ face towards him, kissing his soft mouth and sliding down shirt Gus wore.  
  
Gus murmured sleepily and Adam murmured back against his skin, “It’s okay. Just relax. You don’t have to do anything...I just want to love you a little.”  
  
There was a low chuckle. “That’s hardly fair to you,” Gus said very softly, with traces of his usual humor. He arched against Adam. “And besides, if you want to love me, I think you’d better love me a lot because I really need to feel you right now.”  
  
“Are you sure?” he said huskily.  
  
His breath caught and Adam could feel the way Gus’ heart was accelerating. “Please…I’m so tired of feeling worried and frightened and angry…”  
  
Adam stroked his cheek. “Sorry…did I just hear you say ‘please’?”  
  
Gus nodded, eyes closed. “Please,” he said again.  
  
“That’s interesting.”  
  
The eyes re-opened. “What’s interesting? That I have manners?  
  
“I just thought that maybe we should go back to discussing that agreement I was trying to get to you make earlier. You seemed to think I didn’t have a lot to bargain with. I get the feeling I might get a little more co-operation out of you now…”  
  
Gus groaned. “Oh, that’s not fair…”  
  
The hand on Gus’ cheek went to his jaw, gently holding it back so that Adam’s mouth was just barely hovering over his.  
  
“I don’t hear you co-operating yet.”  
  
“That’s sexual blackmail.”  
  
“And you said I wasn’t any good at it.”  
  
Adam kissed him once, deeply and then drew his head away again. “Are we agreed?”  
  
Gus made an affirmative sounding murmur and tried to pull Adam back.  
  
“Be more specific.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Yes...what?”  
  
“Yes… sir?” Gus said hopefully, then when Adam’s hands slid down hard over his rump Gus gasped out, “Okay, I agree!”  
  
“Keep talking.”  
  
“Keep talking...? Oh, for God’s sake; I said, I agree. I agree that we stick together from now on...no matter what. I won’t try and shut you out...I won’t try and keep you away...”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“I promise.” His voice was trembling and when he looked up at Adam, he was surprised to see that Gus’ eyes were damp with tears. “I don’t want to be without you again. I need you so badly...you don’t know what it means to me that you’re here. You make me feel so good...even now...when everything else inside me just hurts.”  
  
Adam tried to go slow but Gus’ rush of emotion moved him so much that he couldn’t hold back for very long and it was all the more arousing to know that he was soothing Gus, even temporarily.  
  
They fell asleep cuddled together but despite his exhaustion, Gus still slept fitfully and Adam woke several times to find him lying wide awake and staring at the ceiling. When he caught Adam watching him, he just smiled faintly and kissed Adam’s shoulder.  
  
“I’m all right,” he whispered.  
  
“I know,” Adam whispered back. “I’m just keeping an eye on you, that’s all.”  
  


* * * *

  
  
Adam was astonished at the change in Gus the next day. It was no surprise that he still seemed weak and tired but there was no sign of his usual obstinacy when it came to Adam or Michelle fussing over him. Instead, he seemed to be greatly comforted by Adam’s protectiveness and from the moment they got up, stuck very close to him and seemed almost unwilling to let Adam out of his sight.  
  
There was no doubt that the relief of completing his testimony had relieved a lot of Gus’s anxiety, but even Michelle was amazed at how much Adam’s presence seemed to have steadied him.  
  
“If he hadn’t been so bloody damned stubborn,” Michelle complained aside to Adam at breakfast. “You could have been with him the whole time and he might not have had to go through all of this.”  
  
Watching Gus cutting Brian’s toast into funny little shapes for him, Adam shook his head. “No, I think you were right. I think he needed to go through some of it on his own. I just hope that the worst is over now. He’s pretty worn out. It’s going to be a long time before he bounces back from this.”  
  
It was unseasonably warm and Gus seemed too restless to just sit in the house, so he and Adam packed a lunch and went for a long walk along the river that ran through the Caruso property. The stroll seemed to settle her down, although after an hour or so Adam could tell that Gus was seriously beginning to tire. Not wanting him to overdo it, Adam was just about to suggest that they start back when Gus stopped and pointed halfway up the steep slope to their left.  
  
“That’s one of my favorite places to sit. You can see right down to where the river runs off the property from there.”  
  
Adam looked at the incline a bit dubiously and Gus smiled.  
  
“Someday I’ll take you up there, but not today. Not unless you’re going to carry me.”  
  
Adam looked up the hill again. “I can do that.”  
  
“Do what?”  
  
He nodded at the slope. “You want to go up there? So let’s go.” He slid his backpack off and motioned for Gus to turn around. “Put this on.”  
  
“For what? I was kidding...wait a minute, Adam; you can’t carry me up there.”  
  
Adam settled the straps of the pack on Gus’ shoulders and turned his back to Gus. “Why not? Come on...I’ll give you a piggyback ride.”  
  
“Up that hill? What do you think you are...a mountain goat?”  
  
“What’s the problem?”  
  
“The problem? You really think you can carry me up there?”  
  
“You don’t think I’m strong enough? I jump around for two hours on stage, for Pete’s sake. If you don’t think that takes energy, I’d like to see you do it sometime. Besides, you don’t weigh much more than that backpack does at the moment, so shut up and put your arms around my neck.”  
  
Gus was already starting to laugh and when Adam boosted him onto his back he staggered a little, making Gus laugh even harder.  
  
“I said around my neck...not around my throat,” Adam gasped.  
  
“Sorry. I haven’t done this for a long time.”  
  
Once he got a less constrictive grip and Adam managed to regain his balance, Gus reached down and smacked Adam on the rear.  
  
“Okay, giddy-up.”  
  
Two hours on stage notwithstanding, Adam was still completely out of breath by the time they got to the little lookout spot that Gus had indicated. He lowered Gus to his feet gently and then had to sit straight down on the grass, panting and scowling at him.  
  
“So? It’s steeper than it looks. Just for that, you can walk back down.”  
  
They had tucked a blanket in the backpack, which they spread over the grass. Gus sat cross-legged and began setting out lunch, while Adam lay flat on his back and tried to ignore Gus’ comments.  
  
“Here,” he said, offering Adam a sandwich. “Apparently you need to keep up your strength.”  
  
Adam’s indignant expression was too much for Gus; he keeled over in helpless amusement.  
  
“I’d be really insulted,” Adam remarked with a sigh. “If it wasn’t so good to hear you laugh for a change.” Managing to sit up, he gratefully accepted a bottle of water from Gus.  
  
Gus was still smiling at him when he said, “What happens now, Gus?”  
  
Gus didn’t look away, but his face sobered a bit. “I don’t think I’ll be recalled to testify. I get the impression that both Ted and Dan got everything out of me that they were looking for.”  
  
“That’s good,” Adam said gently.  
  
Gus drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them, a frown flickering over his face as he felt his back twinge a little. “I really want to talk to Jack. I want his opinion on how things are going, even if it’s all secondhand.” He frowned in thought for a moment and then continued almost defiantly, “And tonight I plan on telling Ted that I won’t be back in court as an observer until the verdict comes in.”  
  
Adam didn’t quite manage to contain his surprise. “But I...”  
  
“Oh, yeah...he’s going to have a fit about it. I don’t care.” He tossed a piece of bread crust at a hovering bird and then added with a bleak smile, “I just can’t do it anymore. The thought of going back in there makes me physically sick. All the rest of the testimony is going to be about the accident reconstruction, and I can’t take that. I was there, damn it. I can’t sit through scientists picking it to pieces, especially when one of them is going to try to make it into something it wasn’t.”  
  
His head came up and he met Adam’s eyes very directly. “I have so many images in my head that I can’t get out. It’s not just when I sleep anymore...they follow me twenty-four hours a day. Yesterday it was like going through the accident all over again and Monday will be worse. There will be photographs and diagrams and videotape evidence ...no...” He shook his head. “I couldn’t take it.”  
  
His face had paled a little just talking about it. Adam reached over and laid a hand on his cheek.  
  
“I know it takes a lot for you to admit that,” he murmured. “But it’s not that you’re being weak. You’ve gone through so much already and I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.”  
  
“I just…” Gus’ mouth twisted. “I just worry that I’m letting Nick down. Or Michelle. Or Brian…he deserves to know that the man who killed his father paid for what he did.”  
  
“I may be wrong,” Adam retorted. “But from what I’ve heard about Nick I think he probably would have done anything he could to have kept you out of that courtroom. And I also get the feeling he would have punched out your lawyer too, given half a chance.”  
  
Gus raised his eyebrows at him. Adam shrugged.  
  
“All right…I admit it. The same thought crossed my mind more than once since yesterday.”  
  
Gus smiled. “Ted is just doing his job.” Then he lay back on the blanket and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “Oh, my God…I can’t believe I just said that.”  
  
“Neither can I,” Adam said wryly. “And if you want to know the honest truth…the part that I really can’t believe is that we’re all actually going to sit through dinner with this guy.”  
  



	31. Chapter 31

As they walked back in the house, Michelle looked up from where she was stretched out on the sofa on the phone and gratefully took note of the fact that Gus looked fairly relaxed and in reasonable spirits.  
  
“Speak of the devil,” she said into the receiver. “I told you if you just talked to me long enough they’d turn up. Hang on a second.”  
  
She handed the phone to Gus, who took it guardedly but his face lit up when he realized who was on the other end.  
  
“It’s Tommy,” Michelle mouthed at Adam. Taking advantage of the fact that Gus was occupied, she took Adam aside and grilled him anxiously.  
  
“You were gone a long time…I was getting a bit worried. Is everything okay?”  
  
He nodded.  
  
“Did he talk much?”  
  
“A little. He says he’s not going back to court until the verdict.”  
  
Michelle winced. “I can’t say I blame him. But, boy…I don’t know how he’s going to get that past Ted.”  
  
Adam smiled a little grimly. “Yeah…it’s going to be a very interesting evening, isn’t it?”  
  
“He still wants to go to Jack’s?”  
  
“So he says.”  
  
“I just don’t think that’s a good idea,” Michelle muttered. “He’s actually settled down a little...why does he want to do something that’s only going to upset him again?”  
  
Adam threw his hands up in the air. “If you want to try and change his mind, be my guest.”  
  
“I should have mentioned it to Tommy. I bet he could have talked him out of it.”  
  
“Did you fill him in?”  
  
She nodded.  
  
“Thanks. He was out when I called this morning and I didn’t leave a very detailed message. I’m surprised he didn’t try to get on the plane with me when he heard I was coming back up here…he’s been worried sick about Gus.”  
  
Michelle cleared her throat. “Ah…yeah. He sounded that way.”  
  
At that point, Michelle decided it might be wise to change the subject. Having observed firsthand exactly how attached Tommy was to Gus and how fond Gus was of him, she was absolutely paranoid about sticking her foot in her mouth in front of Adam.  
  
Ignorance is bliss after all and there were times that Michelle wished she didn’t know as much as she did.  
  
  


* * * *

  
  
Neither Michelle nor Adam had any luck talking Gus out of the dinner plans and they reluctantly set out with him in the late afternoon.  
  
Jack was clearly delighted to see Gus. He welcomed them in warmly and introduced Adam to Marissa.  
  
Gus looked around. “Where’s Lizzie?”  
  
Marissa grimaced. “On her way back from a friend’s house. I didn’t tell her you were coming; all I told her was to be here for dinner. She seemed a little ticked...I gather she had other plans.”  
  
“I suspect she’ll forgive you,” Gus said dryly, rolling his eyes at Adam.  
  
He’d taken note of Ted’s car in the driveway, but made no comment and only nodded to him briefly when he joined them in the living room.  
  
“Feeling better?” Ted inquired solicitously.  
  
“He doesn’t have a cold, Ted,” Michelle said tightly. “It’s not something you just take an aspirin for.”  
  
“Michelle,” Gus murmured. “Don’t start.”  
  
They were all standing around dutifully admiring Jack’s aquarium of rare tropical fish when fourteen-year old Lizze made a disgruntled appearance. Obviously displeased about being recalled from whatever she’d been doing, she didn’t bother glancing at anyone and just poked her head in the door far enough to make the curt announcement, “I’m back.”  
  
She withdrew her head just as abruptly and it was obvious she had no interest whatsoever in who her parents had invited for dinner.  
  
“Hey,” Gus called after her. “What is this...you don’t even say hello to me anymore?”  
  
“Brace yourself,” Michelle murmured to Marissa.  
  
Lizzie reappeared in a hurry. “Dad! You didn’t tell me Gus would be here!” She was casting her father a look that could have split stone when she caught sight of who was standing beside Gus and let out an earsplitting shriek.  
  
It went surprisingly quiet after that. Lizzie clapped one hand over her mouth to forestall further shrieks and stood staring. Adam, who was quite used to being stared at, grinned back.  
  
“Hi,” he said, and waved. “You can come in, you know. It is your house.” After a second, he had had to prompt, “One foot goes in front of the other foot.”  
  
It took about twenty minutes for Lizzie to go through the full range of reactions. She ended up in a state of stammering shyness, which was badly compounded when Adam held out a chair for her at the dinner table and then sat down beside her.  
  
Conversation about the trial was obviously being reserved for after the meal. Instead, Adam patiently answered question after question from Lizzie, who had warmed up considerably by the time the main course was served.  
  
Eventually, Jack admonished, “Elizabeth, you might at least acknowledge that there are other people here at the table.”  
  
“It’s all right, Jack,” Gus said with a smile. “Leave her alone. Adam doesn’t mind, and neither do I. I’m getting used to it.”  
  
“Still,” Ted said laconically. “It must be difficult for you. But then, I don’t suppose you’ve ever had a boyfriend on the cover of Rolling Stones with a python near his crotch.”  
  
There was the sound of several people choking on their lasagna.  
  
Adam set his water glass down with a bang. Gus’s eyes narrowed dangerously while everybody else held their breath and then unexpectedly he smiled at Lizzie across the table.  
  
“Thanks for reminding me. Lizzie, I have that issue for you in the car. I’ll get it for you after dinner. Don’t let me forget, okay?”  
  
He turned back to Ted and while the smile remained on his face, his voice had hardened perceptibly. “Now, do you have anything else clever to say? Because judging by the way certain people at this table are clenching their flatware, I suspect you’re going to end up being the next course unless you start keeping the cheap shots to yourself.”  
  
“Maybe we should change the subject,” Marissa suggested mildly.  
  
Gus glanced down the table and suddenly sat back in his chair with all the animation gone from his face. “I’m sorry, Marissa. That was extremely rude of me. You’re right. Maybe we can find something else to talk about.”  
  
He was very quiet during dessert and Adam and Michelle began trading uneasy glances. When the meal was over, the group retired to the living room for coffee and Jack steered Gus into a corner so he could sit down privately with him and Ted.  
  
On the other side of the room, Michelle and Adam sat with Marissa and a still-bouncing Lizzie, trying to be as polite as possible while eyeing the proceedings with apprehension.  
  
The first part of the conversation seemed to go smoothly enough. They could see Gus listening intently to Jack and nodding from time to time as Ted added comments and filled in details. But when Adam saw Gus lean forward in his chair and begin speaking, he could tell that Gus was breaking the news that he would not be attending any more of the trial.  
  
That didn’t go over well. Ted’s reaction was instant and forceful. He and Gus immediately fell into a contentious debate, and Adam was almost out of his seat before Michelle stopped him with a warning glance.  
  
“Leave him.”  
  
“Look,” he said with barely concealed impatience. “We’ve just spent twenty-four hours trying to calm him down, and I’m not going to let Ted wind him back up again.”  
  
“What’s going on?” asked Marissa, glancing between them.  
  
“Adam,” said Michelle. “Sit. If somebody needs to step in, Jack should be the one to do it. He knows them both. He’s not going to let them get out of hand.”  
  
It may not have gotten out of hand, but it did get progressively more argumentative. The more insistent Ted became, the more agitated Gus got until Jack put a hand on his arm and intervened. Gus clearly didn’t like what Jack had to say either, because he argued with him for several minutes and then abruptly excused himself and stood up. He walked right past everyone else with a white, set face and went out the patio doors into the garden.  
  
Jack was apologetic but firm.  
  
“I’m sorry, Michelle, but Ted is right. He needs to be there in court on Monday.”  
  
“I’ll be there,” Michelle said with annoyance. “Isn’t that enough? Do you have any idea what you’re asking him to go through?”  
  
“Yes, I do. And no, unfortunately...you being there won’t be enough. Even if Nick’s parents were still alive...even if you were all there...it’s Gus that everybody thinks about when they think of this case. The problem is that forensics testimony is so dry and scientific that it completely takes away the human factor. Gus is the only witness and the only survivor. The jury needs to see him there the entire time, or they’re going to lose the emotional focus.”  
  
“Is that your way of saying the evidence might not be enough?” Adam said quietly.  
  
Ted shot him a look. “I’ve already told you that it’s just two expert witnesses with two opposing opinions. I’ve seen both reports, and either one of them could fly with the jury. Science is like the Bible...you can pretty much interpret it in whatever way best supports your case. But if there’s any doubt in the jury’s mind, being able to look across the room at Gus might sway them towards taking the prosecution’s side.”  
  
Jack glanced between the two men. “It’s true. I’m sorry. We all know how rough it’s going to be on him. But the bottom line is, that he needs to do what’s best for the case. There will be a lot of backlash if he isn’t there, not just from fellow officers, but from the public as well. They’ve backed him up pretty strongly over this...they need to see that he’s doing everything he can to bring about a conviction.”  
  
Adam stood up. “No offense, but I can’t imagine anyone needing to see him put through hell after what he’s already been through.”  
  
Jack smiled briefly. “I’m not saying it’s not harsh. Believe me, I wouldn’t want to do this any more than Ted does. But it needs to be done. He needs to be there.”  
  
“Speaking of which,” Ted said with a bit too much emphasis. “It would be better if you weren’t in the court on Monday. In case you haven’t looked at a newspaper since yesterday, there’s an awful lot of attention being focused on you instead of on the trial. It’s not helping.”  
  
“I haven’t said a word to anybody about the trial,” Adam said coldly. “And I don’t plan to.”  
  
“Frankly, I don’t think too many people would give a damn about anything you said about the trial. But if you thought there were a lot of people around the courthouse yesterday, I’m sure you can imagine what it will be like on Monday if people think you’ll be there again. If you’re so damn worried about how this is all affecting Gus, how do you think that’s going to help him?”  
  
Michelle was grinding her teeth. “Ted, I think you should leave that up to Gus. It has nothing to do with you.”  
  
“He’s right, though,” Jack said quietly. “Gus doesn’t need the extra attention from the press and it’s better for the case if the media focus is on him and not on who’s with him.”  
  
“But Gus is quite capable of making that decision on his own,” Michelle looked up at Adam as he paced behind her and nodded towards the patio door. “You’d better go and find him.”  
  
It took Adam a while to track him down; Gus was stalking around the large garden at such a furious pace that Adam almost had to run to catch up with him.  
  
“I’m not doing it,” he said to Adam flatly.  
  
Adam grabbed him by the hands to halt his headlong march. “Gus, I agree with you. You need to do what’s best for you. Whatever you decide, Michelle and I will back you up. Don’t forget that.”  
  
“It would help,” Gus said, a bit spitefully. “If Ted didn’t seem to be enjoying this so much.”  
  
Adam spoke without thinking. “Oh come on Gus...I don’t think he’s doing this deliberately.”  
  
Gus bristled and freed his hands abruptly. “This morning you told me you were ready to punch him out. Now it sounds an awful lot like you’re defending him.”  
  
“Oh believe me, I’m not. But you told me that you trusted Jack absolutely. He has exactly the same opinion.”  
  
Gus bristled some more, but didn’t have a comeback.  
  
“That doesn’t mean I think you should give in. I’ve already seen you go through one day in court...I don’t want to see you go through any more. Although,” he added after a moment, “If Ted had his way, he’d rather that you were there and I wasn’t.”  
  
That required some explanation. It subsequently also required a considerable amount of fast-talking on Adam’s part to stop Gus from going back in the house and telling Ted exactly what he thought of that idea.  
  
Michelle came out to check on them and managed with minimal persuasion to convince Gus that it was probably time to go home. As they stood in the driveway, thanking Marissa for the meal, Jack took Gus aside for a few minutes and spoke quietly to him. Gus thanked him for both his concern and his advice, but there was absolutely no hint as to whether or not he planned to take it.  
  
Ted unwisely pushed the point.  
  
“So, will you be there Monday or not?”  
  
“For God’s sake, Ted,” Michelle snapped. “Can he at least have five minutes to think about it? You know how much you’re asking...I don’t think he needs you pressuring him right now.”  
  
“I will let you know tomorrow.” Gus said in a flat voice.  
  
“Because if you’re planning to be a no-show, I’m going to get asked why. I’d like to have some time to figure out what the hell I’m going to say to the reporters who are going to be in my face, and the police chief, who’s going to be down my throat.”  
  
Gus clenched his fists. “You could always draft something just in case if you’re so damn worried about it.”  
  
In an attempt to ward off the impending eruption, Adam sidled closer to Gus and slipped one hand into his silently. Gus glanced up at him and gave him a brief, grateful smile.  
  
“Yes, we should be going,” he mumbled.  
  
On the drive back to The Farm, Michelle risked bringing up the subject just long enough to reinforce what Adam had already told Gus.  
  
“This decision is yours…not anybody else’s. If you decide not to go, I will talk to the Chief myself. And to the reporters if I have to. They’ll understand why you can’t be there.”  
  
“But that doesn’t mean the jury will,” Gus said quietly.  
  
He heard Adam’s sharply indrawn breath beside him as if he’d opened his mouth to say something and suddenly thought better of it.  
  
He squeezed Adam’s hand. “Thank you,” he murmured.  
  
Adam looked surprised. “For what?”  
  
“For not saying what you were just about to say. I need some time to think about it.”  
  
There was another sigh, and he squeezed Adam’s hand again. He knew perfectly well that Adam was worried he was now going to change his mind about attending Monday’s session and didn’t want to add to his apprehension by admitting that that’s exactly what he had been forced into considering.  
  
  


* * * *

  
  
Jeremy was enjoying the warm evening air on the large front porch when they arrived back at The Farm. Adam and Gus both offered brief goodnights to him as they went past into the house; Michelle lingered on her way up the steps and then just pulled up a chair next to him and sank down wearily.  
  
“Did you survive?” she asked.  
  
He grinned. “No problem. Your son has a lot of stamina, though. It took about eight stories before I could get him down.”  
  
“That would be because you have ‘sucker’ written across your forehead,” she smiled. “He can see you softies coming from a mile away. But thanks for watching him for me. I still say you should have just enjoyed your night off.”  
  
Jeremy shrugged. “I did enjoy it. He’s a great kid. Besides, watching him is a lot more interesting that watching Adam.” He noted her sober expression and cautiously inquired, “How was dinner?”  
  
“Tense.”  
  
“How’s Gus feeling?”  
  
“Tense.”  
  
“Anything I can do?”  
  
Michelle heaved a sigh. “I don’t think so.”  
  
They sat in brooding silence for a moment, until Jeremy cleared his throat.  
  
“I had a call from my boss tonight asking what going on.”  
  
Michelle’s head came up with a snap. “What do you mean, from your boss?”  
  
“From the management company. I don’t actually work for Adam. But if you want to see tense, you should talk to a few people in California.”  
  
“Oh. Great. So Adam’s going to start getting all kinds of pressure…is this what you’re saying?”  
  
“I’m saying that the sooner this is over with, the better. Not just for Gus. Adam’s really raised some backs by coming up here when he’s supposed to be doing the groundwork on the new album and the longer he’s away, the more impatient everybody’s going to get.”  
  
“You had to do some fast talking, huh?”  
  
“I explained a few things to them and I think I’ve backed them off a little.” He stood up and stretched his arms over his head. “Look, I’m not even going to mention this to Adam. Hopefully, I’ve managed to buy him a couple of days of peace and quiet. But sooner or later their patience is going to run out and I don’t want to be around when they start to really push him.”  
  
  


* * * *

  
  
“I don’t have any choice, do I?” Gus said unexpectedly at breakfast.  
  
Michelle was lifting Brian into his booster seat; she was so startled by Gus’s sudden remark that she nearly dropped him.  
  
Gus had said little and slept less and it was clear from his body language that his nerves were being rubbed raw again. Adam and Michelle both tried their best not to pressure him into making a decision, although Adam remarked gloomily to Michelle that if he ended up with any more scars on his tongue from biting it, his singing career would probably be over.  
  
They took the news of her decision resignedly and brushed off his apologies and explanations.  
  
“If you feel you need to do this,” Adam said quietly. “You don’t have to justify it to us.”  
  
Gus smiled at him tremulously, then emotion got the better of him and he rose from the table and fled into the house. To Adam’s dismay, he spent a good part of the day alternating between pacing restlessly and shaking like a leaf.  
  
By the evening, all three of them were exhausted. Gus repeatedly felt the first disturbing pangs of breathlessness that warned of an anxiety attack but managed to resist them by sheer force of will. Even so, he couldn’t hide the spells of disorientation and fear that worsened as the day went on and knew perfectly well that both Adam and Michelle could see how unsteady he was.  
  
Gus was deeply touched by the fact that Adam simply hovered within range, holding him gently when he needed Adam’s touch and letting him draw away without argument when he needed space. The one thing neither Adam nor Michelle could get Gus to do was eat, although he didn’t argue when they insisted on presenting him with small glasses of juice or water.  
  
In the early evening, Michelle took Brian up to get him ready for bed and quietly suggested that Gus come up to help.  
  
“Apparently your bubble baths are better than mine,” she said with a smile, and Gus smiled briefly in return.  
  
Adam took the opportunity to take a very long shower and when he returned to the bedroom he was surprised to find Gus sitting in the middle of the huge bed with a face that was closed and troubled and clutching a shoebox-size storage container as if it contained high explosives.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Gus nodded, but he didn’t look up and his voice was almost impossible to hear. “Can I talk to you?”  
  
Immediately Adam sat down beside him but when Gus seemed at a sudden loss for words, he reached out a curious finger as if to lift the lid off the container.  
  
“What’s in the box?”  
  
Gus’ eyes came up to meet Adam’s. Mutely he handed it over but he laid one hand on the top to prevent Adam from opening it.  
  
“What is it, Gus?”  
  
“Will you come to court with me tomorrow?”  
  
Adam blinked in astonishment. “Of course I will. I want to be there…if you need me...as long as it doesn’t complicate things for you...I mean, what about the media...?”  
  
“I don’t care.” A tremor ran down the long curve of Gus’ throat. “I know they’ll be all over us, but I don’t think I can do it without you there.”  
  
Adam touched his face. “Then I’ll be there. The whole time. I promise.”  
  
“Thank you.” Gus bobbed his head rapidly and had to take a moment to gather himself before he continued in a soft, hesitant voice.  
  
“I still can’t believe what I’ve put you through...what you’ve put yourself through to be with me during this. You’ve dropped everything to come here and I know that there are so many things you’re supposed to be doing right now.”  
  
Adam opened his mouth to protest, but Gus had already rushed on.  
  
“You’ve tried too hard to understand what happened to me. You’ve been so patient and so wonderful...I won’t ever be able to make you understand what a difference it’s made.”  
  
The words dried up unexpectedly. When he found his voice again, it had taken on a hard edge and his brows had drawn together in a frown.  
  
“I realize that it’s not fair to compare what’s happening now with what happened then. It’s not anything that you’ve done...far from it...and if anything I’ve been the one that’s tried to keep you away. I don’t know why I feel like this...but none of what I’m feeling is making any sense at the moment...”  
  
None of what he was saying was making any sense to Adam either, but he remained silent while Gus continued to grope for better words.  
  
“Please don’t misunderstand me. I love you so much...I trust you with my life. The last thing I want is for you to think that I don’t believe in you somehow...”  
  
Adam still had no clue what Gus was getting at but the tone of the conversation was making him uneasy. “Gus...sweetheart, please...will you just tell me what you’re trying to say?”  
  
Gus swallowed. “There are two things that I’m really afraid of right now. One is going into court tomorrow.”  
  
Adam put a hand on his arm and squeezed it lightly.  
  
“When I finished testifying, I couldn’t believe how relieved I was. I was so petrified of going on the stand and having to face Ted...I wasn’t sure I could do it. Michelle was wonderful, but...if you hadn’t showed up...” His lips twitched. “I’m not sure I would have made it through the day.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” Adam said softly with a smile.  
  
“But then I let myself believe it was over. And it’s not. And I’m not just talking about the trial... I mean it's the accident. It will never be over, not for me. It’s just going to follow me around for the rest of my life and I’ve realized that I’m going to have to come up with a better way of living with it or it’s just going to keep getting in the way and hurting me and everyone around me.”  
  
He paused, and Adam thought long and hard before he spoke.  
  
“Gus,” he said, more gentle than he’d ever been with him. “There are people who can help you with that. Professional people. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you can’t do it by yourself.”  
  
Gus nodded then he said emotionally, “But that’s not going to help me tomorrow, is it? What if I can’t do this, Adam? The memories of the accident are already getting to me so badly I can’t think straight. Sometimes I feel like everything is just closing in, like it’s going to choke me. I’m just not sure I can sit there in court and go through it all over and over again...and what happens if I can’t take it? What happens if it all just gets too much for me?”  
  
He looked down at his clenched hands and Adam leaned forward until his head was brushing against Gus’.  
  
“Are you afraid of breaking down in court?” he whispered. “Is that it?”  
  
Gus’ head went up and down almost imperceptibly. After a minute he said miserably, “Sometimes I just want to start screaming and throwing things and hitting people. I get so scared and so angry...all at once.... everything just gets out of control…”  
  
Adam had no idea how to reassure him. “Michelle and I will be there the whole time. If you don’t think you can handle it, we’ll get you out...I promise.”  
  
Gus’ head drooped a little farther. “But I don’t want you to see me that way...I don’t want you to know what it does to me. The last time...”  
  
He broke off and clamped his lips shut.  
  
“The last time…” Adam echoed, puzzled.  
  
Then the penny dropped. Adam straightened abruptly.  
  
“The last time...” Adam said again. He put his hand under Gus’ chin and lifted his face until he could see Adam’s startled expression. “Wait a minute, Gus...is that the other thing you’re afraid of? Are we talking about Ted here?”  
  
Gus looked so woebegone that Adam didn’t know whether he should hug him or strangle him. He saw the indecision on Adam’s face and faltered, “The last time I got like this, he couldn’t handle it. I told you that I know it’s not fair to compare what’s happening now with what happened then. I’m not comparing... really I’m not. But, seeing him again…I guess all those old feelings are starting to come back and I just get scared that history’s going to repeat itself. It’s just like the accident. Every time I get in a car I know perfectly well that the chances of it happening again are next to zero. But I still tense up. I’m still afraid of it. It’s not rational, I know...I can’t explain why...”  
  
Adam held up one hand. “All right. Stop.”  
  
“Please don’t take this the wrong way...I knew I couldn’t explain it to you. I’m sorry...”  
  
“Gus...Gus. Will you stop?”  
  
Gus sank into silence.  
  
“All right…I admit that the first thing I want to do is tell you off for comparing me to him. I’m not him.”  
  
Gus looked suitably rebuked. Adam went on more carefully.  
  
“But I do understand what you’re saying. He wasn’t there for you when you were in really bad shape and when you needed him the most and it’s not really fair of me to try and judge what he could or couldn’t handle. But if you’re afraid that I’m going to panic and run because you’re having some problems right now...I can tell you that it worries me and it scares me and it upsets me, but it doesn’t make me want to get out. I won’t leave you. Do you hear me? I will not leave you.”  
  
Gus was chewing his lip desperately. Adam kissed his forehead and then his cheek and then his trembling mouth.  
  
“You do believe me, don’t you?” he whispered softly.  
  
Gus nodded. He was still shivering with emotion and after a few moments of letting Adam hold him, he sat back and wiped at his eyes.  
  
“That box…” he murmured.  
  
Adam looked down in surprise; he’d completely forgotten he was holding it.  
  
Gus pointed at it with an unsteady hand. “If you want to know...about me...about the accident...about what happened after...”  
  
Adam raised his eyebrows at him.  
  
“Michelle’s mother collected it all for me. I was in the hospital for so long that all of this was over before I really knew what had happened. She thought maybe someday I would need to see it. It’s all here. The newspaper clippings, the coverage of the accident scene, the footage of Nick’s funeral. I’ve never looked at any of it.” He swallowed. “I can’t.”  
  
He sat back, almost as if to put some distance between himself and the contents of the box. “You’re going to see some pretty unpleasant things in court tomorrow. I thought…you might want to take some time now to look at what’s in there and then you’ll be more prepared.”  
  
Adam looked down at the box again. Then he slid a little closer to Gus and put one hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently.  
  
Gus knew what Adam was about to suggest and shrank back.  
  
“Maybe this is something that we should both do. We could go through it together…I’ll be here the whole time…”  
  
He was incredibly tender but Gus shook his head.  
  
“Please don’t ask me to do that. I’m already afraid that I won’t be able to walk into that courtroom tomorrow. If I try and look at any of that now, I know I won’t make it…”  
  
He began shivering again and Adam immediately put the box aside and pulled Gus back into his embrace. He clung to Adam for a few minutes and then pulled away.  
  
“I’ll leave you to it,” Gus muttered. “I wanted to talk to Michelle anyway.”  
  
It took Adam several long minutes of staring at the damn box before he screwed up enough courage to open it. The newspaper clipping on the top was almost enough to make him close it back up again; it was a large front-page article from the day that Gus had been released from hospital. The sight of the photo of him in a wheelchair hurt, as did the realization of how terribly weak and ill he looked.  
  
It got worse. The box was full of stories that had been cut from various papers and magazines in the weeks following the crash, many including pictures of Gus and Nick taken from the Take Back The Streets campaign. There was a copy of the police report of the accident, complete with photos of the twisted wreckage of the car that nearly made Adam sick. There was a collection of sympathy and get well cards from people he’d never heard of and, at the bottom of the box, a DVD that he somewhat reluctantly plugged into the DVD player in the bedroom.  
  
It was primarily a jumble of news reports. Obviously a camera crew had arrived at the scene not long after the fire truck and paramedics; after only a few seconds of the video of the emergency crews working on the car, Adam closed his eyes and fast-forwarded.  
  
There had been a lot of television coverage of Nick’s funeral. Video from several news crews was interspersed with the police video of the service and the burial. Throughout it all, Michelle appeared white-faced but composed, leaning heavily on Michael as they walked through the cemetery and shaking hands with an endless line of dignitaries and police officials.  
  
There was no way to judge exactly how many people had attended the service, but there were representatives from dozens of different police forces. Most touching were the silent rows of street kids who had turned out for the funeral in everything from scruffy jeans to khakis to tear-aways and who stood out in stark contrast to the rest of the formally dressed crowd.  
  
He packed the box up very carefully when he was finished. He met Michelle on his way down the stairs and she sighed shakily when she saw what he was carrying.  
  
“My mother said Gus had asked for that. He’s always refused to look at any of it; I’m amazed that he wanted to do it tonight of all nights.”  
  
“He didn’t. He gave it to me to look through.” When Michelle’s eyes widened, he felt a sudden stab of dread and blurted, “Does that mean he’s not with you?”  
  
“No. I thought you were both up here.”  
  
“He wouldn’t stay. He said he wanted to talk to you...”  
  
Michelle put a hand over her mouth. “Shit, he shouldn’t be wandering around by himself. Where the hell would he go?”  
  
Adam looked down at the box in his hand and suddenly his heart came down out of his throat.  
  
“I bet I know.”  
  
Michelle followed him back upstairs to Brian’s room and sure enough, they found Gus curled up in an armchair beside his bed with his legs drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees. His eyes were closed and Michelle silently glanced at Adam, took the box from him and left the two of them alone.  
  
Adam didn’t think Gus was sleeping and when he put one hand lightly on his shoulder, Gus picked it up and held it against his cheek.  
  
“Did you go through it?” he asked in a hushed voice.  
  
“Yeah,” Adam said, just as hushed.  
  
Gus didn’t move. “What was it like?”  
  
“Awful. But you were right…I’m glad I saw it now. Tomorrow I’ll have a better idea what to expect.” Leaning over the back of the chair, he kissed the top of Gus’ head and whispered, “Someday you need to see what’s in there, Gus. It might help even if you just watched the video of Nick’s funeral. It was very beautiful and very touching.”  
  
Gus’ fingers tightened over his. When he spoke, Adam could barely hear him.  
  
“I’ve never even been able to go to his grave.”  
  
He didn’t resist when Adam put his hands on his shoulders and gently massaged them but he balked when Adam tried to persuade him to go to bed. There was no way to explain to Adam how being around Brian oddly strengthened him for what he had to face in the morning but when Adam quietly refused to leave him alone, he gave in and let Adam lead him back to their own room.  
  
Adam sat up with him through the night, watching him get more and uneasy as dawn drew near and praying that he was going to have enough strength left to make it through the day.  
  



	32. Chapter 32

Michelle hated driving in the city. Her preference was to leave her car in Gus’ empty parking stall at the condo and grab a taxi downtown. Today however, fearing she might need her car for a quick getaway, she grudgingly decided it would be better to drive all the way in. ****

  
She’d begged a favor from one of Nick’s old police contacts and arranged for Adam and Jeremy to be able to get into the courthouse through the entrance the police used to take in the accused. Then she enlisted Michael to drive them into the city and drop them off on his way to the hospital, leaving Michelle and Gus to travel in by themselves. It was a wise move; the courthouse was not only heavily staked out with media; it was swarming with teenagers who had all read the reports that Adam was in town to be with Gus during the trial.  
  
Michelle parked in the garage under the courthouse but then she and Gus deliberately avoided the doors that lead directly into the building and went back out onto the street and walked up the front steps to the main doors. It took some maneuvering to get through the crowd and there was an unpleasant crush of reporters and excited fans, but they both gritted their teeth and walked straight through so that there was no doubt in the public’s mind that they were both there to attend the day’s proceedings.  
  
Court security had agreed to allow them into the courtroom ahead of time. Michelle saw the anxious look on Adam’s face as they walked in and shrugged wearily.  
  
“It was okay. I’ll say one thing for your fans…they’re pretty well behaved. There are a lot of them out there, but nobody hassled us.”  
  
Adam put one arm around Gus and kissed his forehead. He had been so ill with nerves during the night that Adam had been worried about being separated from him for even a short period of time. Both and Michelle were starting to fear the same thing Gus was; that something he would be expected to sit through that day would be the last straw for his fragile emotions.  
  
Gus was very pale but seemed relatively in control. “Did you get in all right?”  
  
“We walked straight in. We did get a few odd looks though. And if my mother ever finds out about me being smuggled into a courthouse with a van full of juvenile delinquents, I will never hear the end of it.”  
  
When Ted arrived, he took note of Adam’s presence but wisely kept his opinion to himself. He greeted them only briefly on his way in and his only comment to Gus was that he should be sure to sit in the front row at the very end of the bench where he was as obvious to the jury as possible.  
  
Obstinately, Michelle took the last spot instead so that Gus had someone on both sides of him. Jeremy took a seat on Adam’s left and glared at anyone who every looked remotely liable to approach them without a good reason.  
  
Things immediately went wrong when the start of the session was postponed for an hour because the judge was delayed. Confined to his seat, unable to work off any of his restlessness, Gus started to get agitated before the testimony even commenced. When it finally got underway, he clamped down on his emotions as much as possible, nearly breaking Adam’s fingers with the grip he had on his hand.  
  
The prosecution’s expert witness was up first. Gus sat rigidly through the diagrams and forced himself not to look away when the enlarged photographs of the accident scene were displayed. It was some consolation that the testimony strongly supported the opinion that the blown front tire had been responsible for Nick losing control of the car, although both Michelle and Gus flinched every time his name was mentioned.  
  
When the video evidence was presented, Gus began to shift in obvious distress. Adam freed his right hand from Gus’ punishing grip and laid his arm along the back of the bench so he could slide in close against him, becoming even more aware of how his heart was pounding and how heavily he was breathing.  
  
Michelle leaned across and murmured. “The lunch break should be soon. Hang in there.”  
  
Gus would have been all right if the last piece of evidence before the recess hadn’t been a computer simulation of the accident. At the first sight of the computer generated car swerving out of control and beginning to corkscrew through the air, Gus came halfway out of his seat and Adam and Michelle had to grab him by both arms and force him to sit back down.  
  
Ted looked over his shoulder and seemed startled at how wildly distressed Gus was. Adam resisted the temptation to shout at him to hurry up with his questions and instead just leaned his head in as close as possible to Gus, speaking softly and trying to give him something else to focus on.  
  
Michelle grimly observed that at least the jury seemed openly sympathetic to Gus’ obvious pain.  
  
The break for lunch was shortened as a result of the delay in the start of the day’s proceedings. As a result, the respite wasn’t long enough to give Gus a chance to settle down; he spent the entire recess in the rest room being thoroughly and painfully sick.  
  
Michael had made sure Michelle was prepared and she managed to get a double dose of Gravol into Gus, which fortunately stayed down and eased some of the nausea. But neither Michelle nor Adam were very comfortable going back in the courtroom for the afternoon’s sessions and were both surprised when Gus grimly insisted.  
  
The afternoon was both better and worse. Having been faced with it all once already, Gus seemed to have braced himself for the opposing forensic testimony, even though it was the harder of the two versions to take. Despite the dullness that had settled over him as a result of the Gravol, he couldn’t hide his anger at the suggestion that Nick had simply lost control of the car while trying to avoid the suspect’s car.  
  
“That’s not what happened,” he kept repeating under his breath.  
  
Ted had clearly done his homework; his attack on the defense’s forensic report was thorough and effective. Michelle watched the looks on the faces of the jury members as point after point was argued and saw how conclusions were being drawn in their minds and just hoped that the conclusions they were coming to were favoring the prosecution and not the defense.  
  
The defense expert was nothing if not determined. He and Ted argued at length, until finally Ted insisted that he rerun the presentation of his evidence all over again from scratch. Unblinkingly, Ted then proceeded to pick it apart piece by piece. This resulted in an agonizingly long rehash of some very painful evidence and by the time it was over, even Michelle was starting to feel very ragged around the edges.  
  
It was almost six o’clock before court was dismissed and they remained seated while the courtroom slowly cleared. Ted came to the railing that divided the front half of the courtroom from the gallery and leaned over it in front of Gus, narrowing his eyes at his pallor and distraught expression.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
“I’m all right.”  
  
“You don’t look all right.”  
  
“For God’s sake…” said Adam with barely concealed impatience. “What did you expect?”  
  
“Would you mind finding us a way out of here?” Michelle said bluntly. “And don’t bother suggesting the front door. Gus isn’t up to that and neither am I.”  
  
Ted was still staring at Gus and for a moment he seemed completely distracted. “What? Oh. Sure. I can get Security to take you down the service elevator to the garage.” Leaning farther forward to look Gus straight in the eye, he said very kindly, “It went very well today. Better than I expected.” He smiled. “There’s nothing left now except final summations and you know perfectly well that’s my specialty.”  
  
If he was expecting some kind of response from this light-hearted reminder, he was disappointed. In fact, both Adam and Michelle were glaring at him so fiercely that he straightened up and said simply, “It made a big difference that you were here today. The jury noticed it. I could tell they did. All you need to do is hold up through summations and we might even be able to get this out to the jury tomorrow. Can you manage that?”  
  
“I’ll be here,” Gus said but his voice was dull and lifeless.  
  
Michelle sighed in exasperation but held her tongue. Still, she caught Adam’s eye over Gus’ bent head and they silently agreed that steps were going to have to be taken to convince Gus otherwise.  
  
Gus was very unsteady on his feet as they escorted him down to the parking garage. Now that the day was over and he was out of the view of the jury, his self-control was beginning to slip badly and there were moments when his mind just went blank and emotion threatened to overwhelm him.  
  
Normally, Michelle avoided the highway when he had Gus in the car, knowing how uncomfortable Gus got in high-speed, multi-lane traffic. But tonight, wanting to get home as quickly as possible, Michelle took the faster route and just hoped that the worst of the evening’s traffic would have cleared.  
  
It was a mistake. About ten minutes into the trip, everything slowed to a crawl.  
  
“Oh, my God...please _no_...” said Michelle, staring at the rearview mirror.  
  
“What?” Adam twisted around. It was almost dark, but there was no mistaking the eerie flash of colored lights that heralded the approach of emergency vehicles from behind along the shoulder of the highway.  
  
Gus turned around to look as well and Adam felt the way Gus’ hand clutched his arm involuntarily at the sight of the paramedics.  
  
It took them ten minutes to reach the accident scene and another five to crawl past it, and it couldn’t have been a more gruesome sight if some sadistic person had planned it that way. There were three cars involved, all of which had been crushed into a single mangled heap against the concrete center divider. There had obviously been people trapped in two of the three vehicles, and the scene was already crowded with police and firefighters.  
  
Michelle looked back helplessly at Adam when she realized she had no choice but to pass immediately alongside the accident because of the lane she was in. Adam took off his seat-belt and slid over right next to Gus, putting his arm around Gus and pulling his head down on his shoulder.  
  
“Don’t look,” he said gently.  
  
Gus didn’t need to be told but even with his eyes averted he couldn’t get away from the flashing lights and the surreal sense of déjà vu.  
  
It was the sound that eventually got to be too much for him. Sirens were so familiar to him that they didn’t even register, but the noise of the helicopter ambulance brought back horrible memories of being air-lifted. To make matters worse, the traffic that had so far been allowed to creep past was now brought to a complete standstill to allow the chopper to land on the highway so that the victims could be loaded.  
  
By the time they got back to open road, Gus was trembling and breathing too fast. Michelle caught Adam’s eye in the rearview mirror and put her foot down on the accelerator, exchanging a grim look with Jeremy and making the decision that speed mattered more now than delicacy.  
  
When they reached The Farm, Jeremy got out immediately and held the door open for Adam, who had to unclench Gus’ hands from his arm before he could try to draw him out. Gus went with him woodenly, barely aware of putting one foot in front of the other but when they reached the front foyer he went down on his knees, gasping and pressing his hands against his chest.  
  
“Adam, I can’t breathe...”  
  
Michelle’s mother had come to greet them; she took one look and went straight to the phone.  
  
Fortunately, Michael was home. It took him only two minutes to come across the compound in the truck but by the time he ran in through the front door, Gus was in the throes of a full-fledged panic attack.  
  
He had collapsed on the marble floor. He had hold of Adam by the collar of his shirt, nearly strangling him and making it impossible for him to do anything but try to hold him. Eventually, Michael forced his fingers to loosen their grip and pushed Adam back so he could get a better look at Gus.  
  
He was shaking so violently that they could all hear his teeth chattering. Michelle was shaking nearly as badly and Jeremy put his arm around her shoulders to try and steady her.  
  
“Is this the same as the other night?” Michael said to his sister over one shoulder.  
  
“Not this bad. He was hysterical, but he didn’t say he couldn’t breathe. We passed a really bad accident on the way here...he just started shaking...”  
  
“On top of all that he had to go through in court today? Jesus, Michelle...are you surprised? I’m surprised he held up this long.”  
  
“This happened once in California,” Adam said sickly, still on his knees beside Gus. “He panicked on the road...but it wasn’t as bad as this. He looks like he’s having a heart attack.”  
  
“He’s not. He’s hyperventilating.”  
  
Gus was whimpering. Adam caught hold of one flailing arm and clutched Gus’ hand against his chest. He was talking absolute nonsense to Gus, trying desperately to calm him down despite how badly he was frightened himself by the way Gus’ terrified eyes were imploring Adam to help him.  
  
Gus whimpered even harder when he saw the hypodermic in Michael’s hand; with astonishing strength, he began scrambling backwards across the floor until Adam managed to get his arms behind Gus’ back and hold him still.  
  
Adam didn’t think anything had ever hurt him more than watching Gus being tranquilized like an animal. But as if he knew that the worst would soon be over, he turned his face into Adam’s chest and leaned heavily against him. Tentatively, Adam released his grip and slid his arms around Gus, whispering to him and waiting what seemed like an agonizing amount of time until he felt Gus begin to relax.  
  
As his breathing slowed and his eyes began to close, Gus murmured, “I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry...”  
  
Michelle put her hands over her face.  
  
“Let’s get him upstairs,” Michael said to Adam.  
  
Gus cried out when Adam tried to pick him up. Easing him back down, Adam looked desperately at Michael. “It’s his back. He must be in a lot of pain.”  
  
Leaning down, Michael put one hand on Gus’ head. “Gus, the more you can relax, the less it will hurt.”  
  
He nodded weakly. To Adam, Michael muttered, “Give it a few more minutes. Let that sedative kick in.”  
  
When Gus was nearly out, they got him up to his room and into bed. He was still breathing heavily, struggling to keep his eyes open and Adam, stroking his face, leaned down to kiss him and whispered, “Go to sleep, baby. You’ll be okay.... just go to sleep.”  
  
He didn’t want to leave Gus but once Michael was certain Gus was sleeping peacefully, he put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Come downstairs. I want to talk to you.”  
  
“Is he all right?” Michelle said anxiously. She was huddled in one of the big armchairs in the living room, wrapped in a blanket her mother had insisted on putting around her and still shaking like a leaf.  
  
“He’s fine.”  
  
Adam had had just about all he could bear. “Fine?” he exploded. “What the hell is wrong with you? He gets hysterical when he’s asleep and now he’s getting hysterical when he’s _awake_...”  
  
Michael put his hand back on Adam’s shoulder and pushed, sitting him down abruptly on the sofa. “And you’re not going to help him if you start getting hysterical yourself.”  
  
“Look,” he continued more gently, when Adam put his head back and closed his eyes. “Believe it or not, this is a pretty normal response for what he’s going through right now. I’m not saying he’s not in bad shape, but you’re all afraid he’s losing his mind, and I can tell you right now...he’s not.”  
  
Adam didn’t look convinced. “No offense,” he said icily. “But from what I understand about your particular medial specialty, this isn’t exactly your line of expertise.”  
  
“I’m not saying it is. But I’ve talked to colleagues who deal with the after-effects of trauma all time.” Michael looked back and forth between them. “Has he talked to either of you about the trial? About the accident? About Nick’s death? I mean _really_ talked to you? Has he ever completely let everything out in front of either of you? Well, then...why is it so surprising that his emotions are coming out this way? It’s a basic principal of psychiatry that what doesn’t come out one way is going to come out another. Come on Michelle...I remember how he was for months after the accident. He barely spoke a word about it. All the emphasis was on his physical recovery. Then he started to get back to living normally and it got easier and easier to just not deal with it, and now it’s all coming up and smacking him in the face, and he’s not being given the choice anymore.”  
  
Michelle closed her eyes. “So you think that once the trial is over, he’ll stop having these attacks?”  
  
“Actually, no. Once something triggers them, I don’t think they’ll stop until he really talks to someone about what happened to him. And he’s going to have to let out a lot of anger and grief and guilt...that’s not going to be pretty.”  
  
“Don’t you think we’ve tried?” Adam said impatiently.  
  
“I know you have. And I’m just as certain that the two of you are the last people he’d break down in front of if he could possibly help it. He values your opinion of him too much. He doesn’t want you to think he’s weak or frightened or not able to cope. He needs to talk to someone he trusts enough to just let himself fall apart. Someone he knows won’t judge him.”  
  
“You mean like Nick?” Michelle said with a humorless laugh.  
  
Michael sighed. “No...I think professional help would be the best way to go. If he could get a therapist...somebody he really doesn’t give a damn about...he might start dealing with a few feelings that really need to come out.”  
  
“I’ve tried to talk him into seeing somebody,” Michelle said. “I’m sure you can imagine what I got told. The police department wheeled in some shrinks for him while he was still in the hospital. I’m sure you can imagine what _they_ got told.”  
  
“Talk to him again,” Michael said quietly. “After the trial is over. After all that he’s been through, he might be ready for some help.”  
  
He glanced between them and then added, “You do know that there’s no way he can go to court tomorrow.”  
  
“It would be over my dead body,” Adam agreed grimly.  
  
“Good. That sedative I gave him is a strong one...he’ll sleep through the night. In the morning, I’ll stop by and give him another one. He needs to be out for about twenty four hours before you should even think about letting him up.” He looked back and forth between them again. “And the two of you look like you could both use about the same amount of rest.”

 

* * * *

 

Michael coerced both Michelle and Adam into having something to eat, then Adam quietly excused himself and went back upstairs. He was relieved to see that Gus had hardly moved a muscle since he’d left him and that his face was serene and untroubled for the first time in weeks.  
  
Adam wasn’t sure whether he was comforting Gus or himself but he crept in beside Gus and gathered him into his arms. It was some solace, at least, to be able to hold Gus and reassure himself that he was resting comfortably, but it didn’t take away any of the pain of what he’d witnessed that day or any of the fear that Gus actually _was_ bordering on some kind of breakdown.  
  
Gus woke in the morning, weak, badly disoriented and able to remember very little of what had happened the previous evening. He seemed frightened by depth of his own confusion and Adam sat on the bed beside him and gently talked to him while he and Michelle tried to coax some food and fluids into him.  
  
For Adam, it was reminiscent of the first night Gus’d spent at his house when he’d been knocked out by the medication he’d taken for the pain in his back.  
  
Michelle, watching him with some sympathy, said softly, “You had no idea what you were getting yourself in for, did you?”  
  
“I don’t regret it,” Adam said just as softly. “All I want is for him to get through this.”  
  
Michelle touched his arm. “I just hope that the press doesn’t get wind of what’s happened to him.”  
  
“Oh God, that’s all he needs.”  
  
“Actually...” Michelle hesitated. “I was thinking more about _you._ ”  
  
Adam glanced up at her in surprise. Then he sighed heavily. “Well, my management company and my record label couldn’t be much more pissed with me than they already are. If it gets in the news, I’ll just have to deal with it. There were already stories circulating about the trial before I got here. But you’re right...if word gets out that he’s having these kinds of problems, it’s going to get very unpleasant for the both of us.”  
  
“Which is one of the reasons,” said a drowsy voice. “That I didn’t want you here.”  
  
Gus’ eyes were still closed, but his mouth had drawn into a grim line.  
  
“You shouldn’t be listening in on other people’s conversations,” Michelle said curtly. She stood up, gathering the dishes and putting them back on the tray. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some calls to make.”  
  
The deep furrows had reappeared between Gus’ brows. Gently, Adam put his fingertips on Gus’ forehead and tried to smooth them away.  
  
“Does your back hurt?”  
  
“I hurt all over,” he murmured. “Did you get the license plate of the truck that hit me?”  
  
Gus heard him laugh, very low. Opening his eyes, he tried to focus on Adam but found the best he could manage was a blur.  
  
“What happened to me?”  
  
Adam leaned over him. “You don’t need to talk about that right now,” he replied, touching Gus’ mouth gently with his own.  
  
“Is the trial over?”  
  
“Not yet. Soon.”  
  
“But what happened?”  
  
Gus shifted impatiently and Adam could tell that agitation was starting to set in again. To his relief, Michael arrived as promised and spent a few minutes checking Gus’ vitals before he took out another hypodermic.  
  
“What are you doing?” Gus said, suddenly fearful.  
  
“Gus, this is just to help you rest. You need it right now.”  
  
“I don’t want another shot.”  
  
He had tensed all over and Adam slid closer and touched his cheek, trying to divert his attention.  
  
“You need it, baby. Please...just lie still, okay?”  
  
The moment Michael grasped his arm, Gus said, “No!” forcefully and lashed out. His co-ordination was so off that the best he could manage was a weak swing in Michael’s direction; he simply glanced at Adam who numbly held Gus still until the needle had gone in.  
  
He saw the reproach in Gus’ eyes and had to look away. When he was asleep again, Adam released his hold on Gus and put his head in his hands.  
  
After a moment, he felt Michelle’s touch on his shoulders. “You’re only doing what’s best for him right now,” she said emotionally. “We all are. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”  
  
Adam managed to collect himself and followed Michelle back downstairs where she got him a cup of very strong coffee and made him sit down.  
  
“I talked to Ted. He’s not very happy that Gus won’t be there today.”  
  
Adam stared. “Did you tell him why?”  
  
“I told him he wasn’t well. I didn’t get specific. But since Gus won’t be there for final summation, Ted wants me there instead. I understand why it’s important...so I’m going to get changed and head into the city.”  
  
“Are you sure you’re up to it?”  
  
Michelle’s mouth twisted in a smile. “My parents are coming with me. Besides, whether or not I’m up to it isn’t the point. I need to be there, so I’m going. But before I do, I wanted to talk to you about something.”  
  
He eyed her warily, then nodded at her to continue.  
  
“After you went to bed last night, I sat up with my mother and Michael and talked about what would happen after the trial. We’re all pretty much in agreement that once the verdict comes in, we’re going to need to get Gus out of here. I think you should take him back to California with you.”  
  
“I’m not sure he’ll go for that.”  
  
“Maybe not, but...I think I’ve got a way to make it easier for him to swallow. I thought that maybe Brian and I would fly back with you.”  
  
“Are you serious?”  
  
She hunched her shoulders. “I’ve got some time before my contract starts with the Task Force. I don’t think anyone would begrudge me a break after the trial, anyway. And I think Gus would go along with the idea a lot more easily if you tell him that you want us all to go.”  
  
Very soberly, she added, “He needs to be with you. Someplace where he feels safe and someplace where he doesn’t have reminders of the accident hitting him in the face every five minutes.”  
  
“I wouldn’t argue with any of that,” Adam said with a weary smile. “But I’m not sure he’d be up to being dragged through an airport and sitting in a planeload of people with me. I tend to draw a bit of attention when I do that.”  
  
“No. Well...” Michelle hesitated again. “I’ve thought about that too. It was my mother’s idea actually, but I’ve done some checking and whenever we’re ready to go, we can use one of our company jets.”  
  
At Adam’s surprised look, she said defensively, “There have to be _some_ perks to being the boss’s kid.”  
  
“Can you really arrange that?”  
  
“Already done. If it’s okay with you, we’ll go straight from the courthouse to the airport. With any luck, we can get out of the country by the time the verdict hits the newspapers and television and Gus won’t have to face any of the fallout.”  
  
Adam laced his fingers at the back of this neck and dropped his head forward, trying to work out some of the enormous knots that seemed to have taken over every muscle in his body.  
  
“Is he going to be all right, Michelle?” he asked bleakly.  
  
He seemed so suddenly overcome with doubt that Michelle immediately came out of her seat to hug him tightly.  
  
“Yes. He will.” She could feel his uneven, emotional breaths and buried her face in his shoulder. “Believe me, there were days after the accident when I didn’t ever think he’d be all right again. I couldn’t even blame him...he didn’t seem to have much to live for. Now he’s got you...and me, and Brian and Tommy and all the other people who are pulling for him. I know he’ll make it. He just needs some help to get through the next couple of days, and you and I have got to keep ourselves together...we haven’t come this far with him to give up on him now.”

* * * *

  
  
Michael timed Gus’ medication so that he slept straight through until that evening, completely oblivious to the fact that Michelle had gone to attend the final summation with only her parents for support. Knowing he didn’t dare go anywhere near the courthouse, and reluctant to leave Gus in any case, Adam spent the day with Brian, grateful for the little boy’s company and the distraction he provided.  
  
The little bit of leeway that Jeremy had bought for him with his management company had run out. Their phone call to him had been short and to the point. It wasn’t that they were without sympathy for his situation, but show business was show business and Adam had been very bluntly reminded of both his contractual obligations and his responsibilities.  
  
He had listened wearily and if they were expecting him to have a strong reaction to their interference in his personal problems, they must have had a shock; he didn’t argue or complain or even make any effort to tell them to back off.  
  
When Brian napped, Adam felt the need to do the same and lay down next to Gus, stroking his cheek and feeling his heart contract with emotion as Gus turned gently towards his touch even in his sleep. On top of everything else, he was aware of how little time he had left before some very difficult decisions had to be made and he spent the rest of the afternoon trying not to dwell on any of the very unpleasant possibilities that now seemed to be looming him personally and professionally.  
  
When Michelle arrived home from the day’s session in court, Adam, Jeremy and Michael were waiting for her. Michael took one look at her pale, exhausted face and warned his sister that if she didn’t stop pushing herself, he was going to start giving her shots.  
  
“You won’t need to go that far,” Michelle said dropping tiredly into a chair. She looked over at Adam who was nearly as pale, with dark shadows under his eyes and the accumulation of stress clearly showing on his face.  
  
“Is it over?” he said.  
  
She nodded. “The summations were wrapped up by about two o’clock. The judge spent about two hours on the charge to the jury and then he sequestered them.”  
  
“How did it go?”  
  
Jeremy offered Michelle a cup of hot tea, which she took with a grateful smile and sipped gingerly for a moment before answering. “I’m no expert, but I think Ted did a very good job. He wasn’t really kidding when he said that summations are his specialty. It’s one of the things he’s always been known for in his career.”  
  
She took another sip of tea. “Oh, and Jack was there. I’m not sure how he managed to convince Marissa to let him go, but he sat with us the whole time and he was very pleased with how things went. He’s pretty good at judging a jury and he seemed to think there were only a couple of members who might be undecided.”  
  
“And how long with deliberation take?” Michael asked quietly.  
  
“Who knows? A few hours...a few days...there’s no way to tell. And a quick verdict isn’t always a good thing according to Ted.”  
  
She sighed wryly. “He wouldn’t give me a prediction. He says it’s a superstition of his...that he never tries to predict a jury once they’re sequestered. But I know Ted. He’s pretty confident.”  
  
“You _think?_ ” Adam said just as wryly.  
  
She smiled at him, then she sobered. “And just so you know...I filled Ted in on what’s really going on with Gus. I think he suspected already and he kept asking me how Gus was doing...” She looked away with a half-embarrassed shrug. “I just thought he had a right to know.”  
  
“I hope you pointed out to him that he had a hell of a lot to do with getting Gus into this condition in the first place,” Adam said sharply.  
  
“Don’t you think he knows?” Abruptly, Michelle sat her teacup aside and stood up. “Look, I want to see Gus and then see my son and then I want a very hot bath. There’s no point in rehashing what’s already happened. We could have a long wait ahead of us, so we’d better just keep looking ahead and staying focused and hoping that the jury’s going to come up with the right answer.”  
  


* * * *

  
Michelle was on her way up to see Adam the next morning when she heard his voice urgently calling her name and found him leaning over the railing on the landing and looking more than a little worried.  
  
She ran the rest of the way up the stairs, dry-mouthed. “What is it?”  
  
“I’m not sure.”  
  
“Is he okay? Is he awake?”  
  
Michelle was reaching for the door handle when Adam took hold of her by the arm. “He’s wide awake. At least...he’s sitting up and his eyes are open but I talk to him and he just stares at me. I’m not even sure he’s listening. I can look him straight in the eye and it’s like he doesn’t see me...it’s almost as if he isn’t _there..._ ”  
  
Michelle pulled free. At the first sight of Gus she blanched.  
  
“Go and call Michael,” she said over her shoulder.  
  
They could get nothing more from Gus than quiet, monosyllabic answers to simple questions. His eyes were vacant and his face was completely without color but he was also completely calm and didn’t even flinch when Michael arrived and examined him thoroughly.  
  
When he was finished, he tried to reassure Adam and Michelle. “Physically, he’s fine,” he muttered. “In fact, he’s a lot better than he’s been for a few days. It might just be that the sedative is slow to come out of his system, but if you want to know the truth...I think he’s just shut down.”  
  
“Shut down?”  
  
He nodded. “Probably the last thing he remembers is the attack he had and what caused it. It may have overloaded him and he’s just blocking everything out temporarily until he can deal with it.”  
  
He saw the despairing glance that Michelle and Adam exchanged and said, “Don’t panic. Talk to him quietly; try and get him to eat something. Take him for a walk...but don’t push him. He’s probably still very disoriented. Give him a couple of hours to really wake up.”  
  
“We don’t have a couple of hours,” Michelle said dully. She looked up at Adam. “That’s why I was coming up to see you. Ted phoned about an hour ago. The jury came back at eight o’clock this morning and court is being convened at eleven.”  
  



	33. Chapter 33

**A/N** : Well, this is it. The final chapter of "Leap of Faith" is now posted. I can't believe it took me five months to finally finish this story. Thank you for sticking by, for reading LOF, for your questions, criticisms and your words of praise. I'm sorry I have not been able to reply each and every comment, but trust me, I have read and appreciated them all.

As I mentioned a while ago, Trespassing was not the album I was hoping it to be and that killed parts of my inspiration. We all had waited for so long for this album and I was quite disappointed with it. As some of you know, I had no intention of continuing this story, but after nights of contemplation, I have decided that I am not done with these characters, especially Gus, yet. I feel like he still has a lot to say. He is not ready to go away just yet. So, it seems like I am not done yet. That's why I have decided to call this "Book One: Leap of Faith" and start writing "Book Two: Mine" now. I don't think I will be following Adam's journey as closely as before from now on, but I am going to continue writing his character based on the facts I have learnt about him until now. If my Adam is not compatible with the real one, I apologize in advance.

  
Thanks again! Enjoy this last chapter of Leap of Faith!

Cheers!

 

* * * *

  
“I thought you said a quick verdict wasn’t always a good thing,” Adam said to Michelle on the way into the city.

She didn’t answer, but slouched a little lower in the passenger seat. Michael looked sideways at her but also stayed silent; it didn’t seem worth causing any more discord than there already was.

Michelle and Adam had argued heatedly about whether or not Gus should be in court for the verdict. Adam had taken a long look at Gus’ closed, unresponsive face and been adamantly against it; Michelle had been just as adamant that Gus needed to be there, for closure if nothing else.

“He missed the funeral, he missed the police investigation, he couldn’t be in on the arrest...Adam, you’ve seen what that has done to him. For God’s sake, he needs to see this through to the end.”

“And what if the verdict is not guilty?” he shouted at her. “Do you want to kill him? Do you have any idea what it will do to him if this guy gets off? We should at least give him the choice.”

They might have been offering him a selection of ice cream for all the reaction they got out of Gus. When Adam very gently explained what was happening, Gus simply nodded and said, “Okay.”

He looked at Michelle then back at Gus. “You don’t have to be there if you don’t want to be.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“Do you want to go?”

He nodded again.

It was completely against his better judgment, but Adam gave in. He watched Gus’ face carefully on the drive into the city and he was so impassive that Adam wondered wildly if Gus’d even be able to take the verdict in, guilty or not.

Michael cancelled his morning’s appointments and insisted on taking them in himself. The one thing Michelle and Adam managed to agree on was to leave for California immediately after court was dismissed, so they packed everything into Michael’s Suburban and left Brian to come in to the city with the rest of Michelle’s family.

Adam flatly refused to let Gus go through the front doors of the courthouse and for once, Michelle didn’t argue with him. Any annoyance Ted may have felt about their covert entrance through the basement was completely wiped out by how startled he was to see Gus as cold and still as a marble statue.

“Is he all right?” he said to Adam, shocked.

“No, he is not all right,” Adam snapped back. “And I just hope to God that you get the verdict you’re looking for, because he is so close to the edge I don’t think it’s going to take very much to push him over.”

The courtroom was absolutely packed. Aside from Michael’s wife, who waited outside in the hallway with Brian, Michelle’s entire family was there, as were dozens of Gus’ old friends and former colleagues.

Adam sat with Gus on one side of him and Michelle on the other, clutching both their hands and watching Gus anxiously for any sign that the facade was cracking.

Gus blinked at him slowly when Adam squeezed his hand and then unexpectedly he squeezed back.

“You don’t have to look so worried,” he murmured. “I’m okay.”

“Are you?” Adam whispered back.

Gus nodded and Adam had the briefest glimpse of him as he really was - exhausted, emotionally drained and pushed way too far beyond his ability to cope. “I just want this to be over.”

Ignoring the roomful of people who were watching them with curious fascination, Adam put his arm around Gus’ shoulders and kissed his cheek, brushing his mouth close to Gus’ ear so he couldn’t be overheard.

“It _will_ all be over...soon. Whatever happens, remember that I love you and I’m here for you and we’re together...just keep thinking about that, okay?”

Gus smiled faintly.

He knew that everything was going to be all right the moment that the jury came in. As they took their seats, every single one of them looked directly at Gus without hesitation.

“Oh my God,” breathed Michelle, noting exactly the same thing.

Jury members didn’t look at victims when the verdict was not guilty.

When the verdict was read, he felt Michelle's hand tighten on his and heard her sharply released breath, but from Gus there was no reaction.

Absolutely nothing.

There was, however, considerable cheering and stomping from behind them, which diminished only grudgingly when the judge sternly called for silence. But following the deferral of the date for sentencing, court was dismissed and the celebration erupted again. Much of it immediately spilled out into the hallway as the spectators filed out and those friends and former colleagues who paused to speak to Michelle and Gus were taken aback by Gus’ silence and expressionless face, and after murmuring congratulations, they glanced uneasily at each other and moved on.

Worried by Gus' continued blankness, both Adam and Michelle took up positions on either side of him so that they were partially blocking him from curious stares. Uneasily, Adam looked at Michelle for direction and noted that her own reaction to the verdict had been completely overridden by her concern that Gus was so utterly emotionless.

Ted had been shaking hands; now he came up to them through the crowd and took Michelle's arm, dropping his head beside hers to whisper in her ear. After a moment, she nodded in agreement and he then leaned over to Adam.

"Security is going to take you and Gus and Jeremy down to the parking garage. I’ll tell Michael to go and get the truck. You should wait somewhere down the street, out of the way, until Michelle and I are done."

"Done?" said Adam.

Ted looked at Michelle. "Somebody has to make a statement to the media. The Chief already has something prepared on behalf of the police force and it's probably most appropriate if Michelle speaks for Nick's family." To the top of Gus's head, he added, "If you want to make a comment, I'll do a press release for you...there’s no need for you to go out and face all those cameras."

Gus nodded, but otherwise gave no impression whatsoever that he'd even heard Ted.

With a sigh, he looked back at Michelle. "Are you ready?"

Michelle hesitated. "Will you be all right?" she said to Adam.

“I think so. Good luck.”

With one last glance at Gus, Ted took hold of Michelle's arm again to lead her out.

Unexpectedly, Gus' head came up.

"Teddy?"

Ted stopped dead and they all stared at him. Gus looked up at Ted with an unfocused mixture of confusion and distress but when he was eye to eye with Gus, Gus reached out and took hold of Ted’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I appreciate everything you did for me,” he said, very low.

Ted’s mouth curved into a half-smile and when Gus released his hand, he nodded once to Gus and stood up, pausing only a second to touch Gus lightly on the top of the head.

"You're welcome," he murmured. To Adam, he said, "You'd better get him out of here." Then he stood back to let Michelle go ahead of him and the two of them walked out of the courtroom.

Nothing Adam could do seemed to have the slightest effect on Gus. He followed Adam wordlessly wherever they were led and when Security let them out in the underground garage and Michael came to get them with the truck, even he was shocked at how completely blank Gus seemed.

Hugging Gus gently, he said, "It's all over now, Gus," and although he nodded dully Michael also had the impression that Gus wasn't taking anything in.

Brian was fast asleep in his booster chair in the center seat of the truck, and as Gus climbed into the back, he leaned over the seat and buried his head against Brian’s for a few moments before his impassivity resurfaced. He sat staring out the window and holding Adam's hand tightly, flinching only when the car emerged from the underground into the bright sunlight.

Michael was able to park in an inconspicuous spot down the block where they were still able to see what was going on. He switched the radio to the local all-news channel, and they listened in silence to the live coverage of Michelle's statement, thanking Ted, the police department, and the public for their support on behalf of her and Gus.

When she had finished speaking, Michelle stood back and let Ted say a few words and then with one last murmur of thanks to him, she let a handful of police officers lead her out through the crowd. Michael swung the Suburban up in front of the courthouse and Jeremy jumped out just long enough to help Michelle in beside Brian before they pulled away so quickly that the reporters had no chance to follow them.

"You did a good job," Michael said to Michelle quietly.

"Thanks." Looking over her shoulder, Michelle said to Gus, "Are you all right?"

Gus nodded, but Michelle's gaze flickered to Adam's and she caught the barely perceptible shake of his head. Biting her lip, Michelle reached over and tousled her son's hair, betraying a moment's shakiness as the stress of the last few weeks began to register.

"Straight to the airport?" Michael asked.

Michelle nodded.

"No," said Gus immediately.

They all turned to stare at him, and he leaned forward over the seat and spoke urgently in Michelle's ear.

Whatever was said clearly distressed Michelle. "Not today, Gus," she murmured.

"Yes," Gus said flatly. "Today."

"Haven't you been through enough?"

Just for a second Gus' eyes showed a hint of tears and Michelle quickly gave in. "All right...all right. If that's what you want."

Reluctantly she leaned forward and murmured briefly to Michael. He seemed just as taken aback as Michelle was, but he offered no argument.

Adam had no idea what was going on and Michelle’s warning glance prompted him to keep silent. If he was astonished when Michael turned the truck into the driveway of a large cemetery, he didn’t show it, nor did he argue when they pulled over to the side on one of the pathways and Gus opened the door without a word and got out.

Michelle went with him, looking suddenly shaky and very tired. She reached over and slid her arm around Gus’ shoulders and they walked together up the little slope and through the rows of headstones.

“He’s never come here before,” Michael said quietly.

“I know.” Staring out the window, Adam watched anxiously in case something went wrong, imagining all kinds of horrible scenarios if the sight of Nick’s grave suddenly set Gus off.

They were gone only a few minutes. When they came back, Michelle’s face was streaked with tears, but Gus’ face was as emotionless as before. He got back in beside Adam and refastened his seatbelt with hands that only barely trembled.

At the airport, Michael was able to drive straight onto the tarmac. The Caruso-White Gulfstream jet, with its distinctive alabaster fuselage and tail was already waiting for them with its engines running, and Gus didn’t hesitate, climbing out the moment they stopped and walking straight up the steps and on to the plane.

While Jeremy loaded the luggage and helped Brian out of his car seat, Michael spoke privately to Michelle and Adam.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I could fly straight back.”

“You’ve done enough thanks,” Michelle said, hugging him emotionally. “I’ll call you when we get there.”

Adam and Michael shook hands and when Adam tried to thank him, Michael just brushed the words away.

“Gus has been one of my favorite people since he used to try to drown me in the swimming pool when he was nine. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. Or for you, you little brat,” he added to Michelle, tweaking her nose.

On a more serious note, he handed her a small flat case and an envelope.

Michelle flipped up the lid to reveal a hypodermic needle with a vial already attached.

“I hope to God we don’t need that,” said Adam.

Michael nodded. “I hope you’re right. But if he has an attack, or if he even looks like he’s starting to have an attack, don’t hesitate. Give it to him whether he wants it or not. I’d give him a mild one now but he’s pretty calm and I think the sight of me with a needle would only upset him.”

“Thanks,” said Michelle, looking sick. “I think.”

“It’s an intra-muscular shot. In the hip is best, but if you can’t manage that, the muscles in the arms or legs will do. But don’t leave it too long. It takes about five minutes to take effect and if he gets hysterical on you, he could trash half the plane before it kicks in. The paperwork for Customs is with it. Maybe you’ll get lucky and you won’t need it.”

“It’s bad enough that he doesn’t like to fly,” Adam said ruefully.

Gus was already buckled into his seat when the rest of them boarded. When Adam sat down beside him, he managed a wan smile and then he just put his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.

Adam felt him tense on take-off, but otherwise, he didn’t move. In fact, Gus stayed absolutely still for the entire flight, despite the fact that Adam knew perfectly well he wasn’t sleeping.

When Michelle went to the kitchen to get a drink, he went back to talk to her.

“How long can he go on blocking everything out like this?” he said, low.

Michelle sighed. “If it’s anything like right after the accident... I’d say about six months.”

He looked so horrified that she gently put one hand on his arm. “Don’t panic. I think a change of scenery will make a lot of difference to him. And between the two of us, we’ll work on getting him to open up a little.”

“Yeah...but I agree with Michael. I don’t think he’s able to really able to let go in front of us. We’re too close.”

Michelle offered him a bottle of water; when he shook his head, she opened it herself and took a swig. “Actually...I had an idea about that.”

She leaned in close so as not to be overheard, and when she was finished, Adam’s eyes were wide.

“You think so?” he said in astonishment.

“Don’t ask me to explain it. I just think it’s worth a try.”

Adam looked doubtful. “I guess I could make a few calls...”

Michelle pointed to the phone on the rear wall of the cabin. “Help yourself. And like I said, maybe it sounds crazy, but we don’t have anything to lose and something tells me it might be good for him. Just trust me.”

  
* * * *

 

The one who seemed the most worried about Gus was Brian. Unable to understand why Gus wouldn’t talk or play with him, he spent most of the flight going between Michelle and Adam, looking over at Gus with wide, puzzled eyes. Eventually, Jeremy took him to the back of the cabin and got out the Lego, giving Michelle and Adam some time to be alone with their own thoughts.

Kevin met them at the airport and while Gus greeted him pleasantly enough, he was no less subdued than before and sat with his eyes closed for most of the drive from the airport to Adam’s. When he got out in the driveway he seemed extremely stiff and sore and just stood staring at the house while Jeremy unloaded the luggage.

He thanked both Jeremy and Kevin for their help and watched them drive off. Beth met them at the door on her way out and they stood for a moment on the porch while Adam thanked her for coming to open up the house and introduced her to Michelle and Brian. Gus hung back and was glancing around distractedly when he suddenly became aware of the other vehicle in the driveway.

“Tommy’s here,” he said blankly. He swung around to face Michelle and Adam and the puzzled surprise on his face was the most expression they’d seen from him in hours. He looked at Adam. “Did you know Tommy was here?”

Without waiting for an answer, he walked straight between them into the house and stopped dead in the foyer. The kitchen and living room were empty but the patio doors to the backyard were open.

“Tommy?”

Tommy came in from the deck and the smile that lit up his face when he saw Gus was immediately wiped away by a look of horror at how horribly thin and ill and exhausted Gus looked.

“Hi,” Tommy said, and then words failed him. “I...”

Gus tried his best to give Tommy a reassuring smile but his mouth began to tremble. He dropped his head to try and hide it and took a few faltering steps forward until he met Tommy halfway through the living room. Tommy had to put his hands on either side of Gus’ head and gently tilt it up so that he could really look at Gus.

Adam had tried to prepare him, but Tommy was still utterly shocked.

“Oh baby boy,” Tommy whispered, shaken. “You poor thing...it’s all right…you’ll be okay now…”

Gus took one look at Tommy’s bewildered and frightened face and something inside of him let go and began to unravel. He put his hands up to clutch Tommy’s wrists and they stood with their heads close together as Tommy whispered to him and stroked his hair.

His tenderness choked Gus. All the emotion that had threatened to overwhelm him began surging up from deep inside, making him shake and sob, not with fear but with complete and utter grief and loss and pain. Tommy was already worried enough by the physical condition Gus was in; when his face crumpled and tears began welling in his eyes, Tommy looked over his shoulder in alarm at Michelle and Adam fearing that was one of the panic attacks he’d been warned about.

Adam was white-faced. He took a step forward but Michelle grabbed his arm.

“Leave him.”

He stared at her in disbelief. Michelle nodded.

“Leave him. That’s what he needs.”

“What...to get hysterical again? Michael warned us not to wait if he broke down. And you want me to _leave_ him?”

Michelle’s grip became more insistent. “ _Adam_ … maybe he’s ready to let a little bit out. Just give him some time with Tommy.”

Brian stood between them, pulling anxiously at their sleeves.

“Gus crying,” he said in bewilderment.

They both looked down at him. Michelle put a hand on her son’s head.

“Yes, sweetheart,” she said softly. “Gus crying.”

  
* * * *

  
The rest of the day dragged painfully for all of them. At the first sight of Tommy, Gus came completely unglued and Tommy had to grab Gus’ shoulders and walk him over to the sofa when he crumpled against Tommy and cried so bitterly in his arms that he worried Gus would make himself sick. Half of what Gus said to him was completely unintelligible; the other half was nothing more than rambling, broken sentences that Tommy still couldn’t understand.

He kept looking up across the room at Adam, uneasily aware that comforting Gus was something that _Adam_ should have been doing, not him. It didn’t help that Michelle kept nodding at him in shaky encouragement every time Tommy looked in her direction.

Brian was so disturbed by the sight of Gus in such a state that Michelle purposely took him straight to the spare bedroom and put him down for a nap. When she came out, hoping that the situation might have calmed a little, she found that Gus was still sobbing uncontrollably, unable to stop, and that Adam was pacing back and forth in the kitchen and becoming more distraught by the minute.

Having been with Gus during the long months of his recovery, Michelle sympathized with Adam’s agony over his inability to help, but she also stubbornly believed that whenever Gus’ emotion decided to come out, it had to be allowed to run its course. She firmly stopped Adam each time he made a move in Gus’ direction, trying to reassure him with quiet, compassionate words, but it was no great surprise to her when the long weeks of worry and the sense of helplessness finally overwhelmed him.

He sank down on a barstool, put his head down on his arms and began to cry.

Michelle sat next to him, her arm across his broad back and her head resting against his shoulder. He could tell that she was crying too; he groped for her free hand and held it and they sat leaning against each other for comfort while they each grieved for Gus and for themselves.

Michelle managed to collect herself first. When Adam finally straightened up and wiped his eyes, she handed him a glass and said, “Drink this.”

He swallowed without asking and nearly choked. His mouth formed the question but no sound emerged.

Michelle shrugged. “I got it from a very nice looking decanter on your bar. Whatever it is, you need it and when you’ve finished that one, I’m going to get you another.”

“No,” he said, eyes watering all over again. “I think this will do, thanks.”

When he felt steadier, he walked over and crouched down in front of Tommy.

Gus’ eyes were closed and his head was down on Tommy’s shoulder. His sobs had finally subsided and now all there that could be heard from him was the occasional hiccupping breath. It was obvious that he was still awake but in such a state of profound exhaustion that he was beyond speech or rational thought.

Tommy looked nearly as bad. He and Adam exchanged a long, bleak look and then Adam reached out gently and took Gus by the hands.

“Come on, baby. Come and lie down for awhile.”

They managed to get Gus into bed, where he immediately dropped into a heavy, motionless sleep. Michelle went straight back to the bar and dosed Tommy with the same concoction she’d poured for Adam; Tommy was so shattered that he downed the entire glass without even blinking.

“I never, _ever_ imagined I would ever see him that way,” he said when he finally recovered his voice.

Gus slept into the early evening. Michelle firmly shepherded Tommy and Adam out in the backyard into the sunshine although they weren’t up to anything more than sitting around the pool in a state of general numbness. The only light moment in the long afternoon was provided by Brian who, full of energy again after his nap, splashed around in the water at the shallow end and thoroughly enjoyed himself.

Tommy wasn’t at all sure he should stay, but both Michelle and Adam quietly insisted that Gus would want to see him when he finally woke. They took comfort in each other’s company as they all struggled to unwind and Adam and Michelle patiently answered Tommy’s endless questions about the trial and everything that Gus had been through.

They only managed to pick halfheartedly at snacks when dinnertime rolled around and finally, when dusk fell and Brian began nodding sleepily on Adam’s lap, they moved back inside. Michelle tucked her son into bed while Adam went to check on Gus; he nearly knocked Michelle off her feet bolting back out of his bedroom at a dead run.

“He’s not there,” Adam said in a panic.

There was no sign of Gus in any of the bedrooms or bathrooms. Tommy went straight to the front door and found it was still chained from the inside, as was the side door and the door to the garage. The backyard was empty, and there was no indication that the heavy gate out to the street had been opened.

“Calm down,” Michelle said to Adam. “He’s got to be here somewhere.”

Tommy had vanished down the hallway that led along the back of the house. Poking his head back around the doorframe, he caught Michelle’s eye and beckoned them over.

“The light’s on in your studio,” he said to Adam.

It was absolutely the last place Adam would have expected Gus to go. He was so apprehensive about what kind of state Gus might be in that his nerves got the better of him at the door and he stood practically shaking, unable to get up the guts to go inside.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Michelle said, and pushed him out of the way. Trying to be as quiet as possible, she cautiously eased the door open just far enough so they could peek inside.

Gus was sitting at the piano with his chin propped in one hand and the other one resting on the keys, mindlessly playing the same note over and over again. When he lifted his gaze and noticed the three anxious faces eyeing him from the door, he sat back and sighed with the faintest of smiles.

“It’s all right. You can come in…I’m not going to go postal on any of you.”

Michelle gave Adam another push and just as determinedly backed out of the doorway with Tommy.

Adam hovered just inside the door and Gus could see Adam was waiting for permission to invade his space. Without a word he slid over, making room for Adam on the bench and offering Adam a silent invitation to join him. When Adam sat down gingerly beside him, Gus lifted his head and looked straight at Adam and Adam’s heart skipped a beat.

Gus’ face was very pale and drawn and he still looked desperately tired but his eyes were remarkably lucid.

“How do you feel?” Adam whispered.

“Pretty stupid.”

“ _Stupid_?”

“Stupid. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Like I’ve made a complete fool out of myself. I figured I’d sneak in here so I wouldn’t have to face anybody.” He heaved a sigh. “I scared the hell out of you, didn’t I?”

“Maybe just a little,” Adam said faintly.

“And poor Michelle. And poor _Tommy_...I must have frightened him to death...” Gus reached for Adam’s hand and as soon as he felt Adam’s fingers close over hiss, he slid in close against Adam and buried his face in Adam’s throat, letting out a long, shuddering breath as Adam’s arms went around him. “I’m sorry. Baby, I’m so sorry...for everything I’ve put you through...” His eyes filled with tears and he impatiently put up a hand to wipe them away. “Oh damn it...here I go again.”

“It’s all right,” Adam whispered, kissing his forehead and rocking Gus gently against him. “You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You’ve been through hell.”

“And took you with me,” he muttered sadly.

“Okay, so _we_ ’ve been through hell. Isn’t that the whole idea? That we go through things like this together?”

Gus didn’t answer, but his arms locked around Adam more securely.

Adam rested his cheek against Gus’ head. “What do you remember about the last couple of days?” he asked softly.

Gus tensed, just slightly. “Pretty much all of it now, I think. Some of it was awful blurry at first. When I first woke up, I had no absolutely no idea where I was and then I looked over and saw that picture of us that you have on the table beside the bed...”

His voice trailed off and Adam hesitated before he asked, “Are you okay about that? That we brought you down here?”

Gus nodded. “Yeah. I am. It’s so good to be here again.”

He drew away a little and his brow furrowed intently as he tried to explain.

“I don’t know what happened to me. I was afraid that things might get to be too much, but everything got so out of control...so many things just got to me all at once. Thinking about the accident. Thinking about Nick. Thinking about Ted. God, there was so much I hadn’t thought about for so long. So much to let go of.” His voice shook. “And...and worrying that I was going to lose you over all of this.”

Adam dropped his head to look Gus in the eye. “I’m still here,” he said with a smile. “I’d just like to point that out.”

Gus smiled back tremulously but with honest amusement. “I’d noticed that. You’re pretty tough.”

Adam touched one finger to the curve of Gus’ lips. “Some people just say I’m stubborn.”

“That too. And incredibly loving and sweet. It’s going to take me ten lifetimes to make up for everything you’ve had to go through for me.”

Adam automatically opened his mouth to protest; then he thought better of it and nodded in agreement instead. Still brushing away tears, Gus gave him a puzzled half-smile.

“Guilt can be a great motivator,” Adam explained after a thoughtful pause. “It might come in handy sometime when you’re in one of your difficult moods.”

“Then I’m glad something good has come out of all of this,” Gus said dryly.

Adam grinned and kissed him again and then he turned very serious. “Gus...you do know that this isn’t over...don’t you?”

Gus had no doubt what Adam meant, and his eyes clouded a little. “It won’t ever be over,” he murmured.

“That’s not true. But you’ve got a lot of things to deal with, and now is when you’ve got to start doing it. Otherwise you’re just going to block it all out until something else happens in your life to trigger those feelings, and you’ll have to go through this all over again.”

Gus nodded jerkily. “I know.”

“I’ll help you...I promise. I’ll do whatever I can, but you need somebody to talk to. Somebody who can help you break it down so you can face up to all the different things that are hurting you.”

Gus was still nodding but Adam could see emotion rising to the surface again. He touched Gus’ face and kissed him soothingly and was relieved when Gus leaned into him and relaxed heavily in his arms.

“I am _so_ tired,” he whispered. “And I hurt...everywhere.”

Adam hugged him tightly. “We can fix that. You just need a few weeks of sleeping in late, that’s all.”

Gus’ cheek was against his chest. “With you?” he said shyly and felt the way Adam’s breath caught.

“With me,” he whispered.

“Can I have back massages?”

“Whenever you want,” Adam promised huskily. “But...only the back?”

Gus lifted his head. “This is supposed to be for medicinal purposes.”

“Oh. Right. Okay...we’ll just stick to the back. If I get the urge to massage anything else, I’ll just...” Impatiently, he tightened his hold on Gus. “Oh, never mind...that’s a stupid idea. If I’m going to work on making you feel better, I want to work on the whole man. You’re just going to have to suffer.”

“I’ll do my best,” Gus said softly.

Eyes closed, he rested against Adam and Adam slid a hand up to Gus’ warm neck so he could feel the reassuring beat of Gus’ pulse under his fingers. Less reassuring was the distinct curve of a collarbone that was far too pronounced, reminding him of how weak and thin Gus was.

“You need to come and have something to eat,” Adam whispered.

Stubbornly Gus shook his head but his voice faltered a little. “No...I’m not ready to see anybody else right now.” He laced his fingers together so Adam couldn’t move out of his embrace and added, “I need you to just stay here with me for a little while. Sing something for me...”

“Sing something...?” Adam murmured in astonishment.

Gus nodded, eyes still closed. “I remember being in here with you for hours, just listening to you sing...just being here with you. That used to make me feel so good, that you’d let me be here when you were working...”

He turned his face up and kissed Adam and his voice was tearful and raw. “Those were some of the happiest days of my life. You did that. You made that happen for me. So please...I know it sounds silly...but please...sing something for me now. More than anything, I need to remember that feeling again.”

  
* * * *

  
Peeking back into the room, noting the two dark heads bent so close together and the softly exchanged words, Michelle and Tommy both let out long sighs and quietly drew back into the hallway.

Michelle leaned her head back against the wall. “God, it’s been a long day. Hell...long _day_? Long week. Long month.”

“Will he be all right now?”

“It will be a long time before he’s really over this...but for now...yeah, he’ll be all right. He absolutely adores that man, and if Adam stuck with him through all of this...with all that he had to face....well...”

“Adam loves him,” Tommy said very simply.

Michelle glanced over, noting the look of resignation on his face and all the lingering signs of strain and worry. “Yeah, he does. Speaking of which...”

Tommy raised his eyes to hers. “What?”

"I haven’t thanked you yet. For coming over. I know that was really hard on you."

“I wasn’t the only one it was hard on,” he said soberly and then admitted, "I didn't want to ask Adam...but would _you_ mind telling me what made him call me?"

Michelle frowned for a moment; then she said, "It was my idea."

"Your idea?" He seemed astonished.

"Mine. Look, I know how you feel about Gus."

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. "I really wish he hadn't told you about that."

"Well, he did. And you mean the world to him. And I know that the two of you have...had some really private conversations. You've really confided a lot in him. You don't realize how deeply he trusts you because of that. So...” She kicked idly at the wall. "To be honest, I was hoping that seeing you would shake him up so much he’d break down."

He looked horrified. "You were _hoping_ for that?"

"It was either that or he was going to start coming apart from the inside out. Tommy, this had already gone on too long. Don't forget; I've been on this ride with him once before." For a moment, Michelle's own emotions resurfaced and her eyes glistened. "I didn't want to see him suffer for months on end like he did last time."

She lowered her head and clenched her teeth. Tommy took a step forward and put his hands on her shoulders.

"He's very lucky to have a friend like you," he said softly.

She glanced up at him with just a hint of a smile. "And you," she replied shakily.

Without thinking she put her arms around his neck and kissed him very sweetly on the mouth.

It went on just a fraction of a second too long and when she drew her head back, she stared at him with an entirely bemused look on her face.

There was a blank silence.

"Don't get any funny ideas," she said.

His jaw dropped. "I..."

"I think you're a great guy. You've been a good friend to me too, and I appreciate everything you've done. I'm just saying thanks. Okay?"

"Sure," he said. "So..."

"So? So...what?"

He raised his eyebrows. "So why do you still have your arms around my neck?"

Michelle let go abruptly and her face flamed.

"I'd better go check on Brian," she said.

She marched back towards the living room. Tommy trailed along behind, noting the stiff set to her shoulders and the way she was resolutely staring at the floor.

As casually as possible he asked, "So, how long are you staying?"

She shrugged. "I've got a couple of weeks. But to be honest, I think that Gus and Adam are really going to need a lot of time alone, without me hanging around. So I'll play it by ear. I don't want to be in their way."

"I know the feeling," he said ruefully. "But you know, if you'd like to get out a bit while you're here..."

She didn't hesitate or look around, but her head came up halfway.

"I mean...Gus probably won't feel like taking you on any sightseeing trips...I'm sure Brian wants to do Disney and you'd probably like to see more of L.A. than just the airport..."

The head came up a little higher.

"...I could take the two of you out. Or maybe you'd like to see some nightlife. There are some really good clubs here; I could take you around one night..."

Michelle stopped dead. From behind her, he couldn't see how much she was struggling not to smile.

"What part of 'don't get any funny ideas' are you having trouble with?"

Tommy crossed his arms. "You know, you could stop jumping to conclusions. Or you could just say 'no thank you'."

Michelle turned around and blushed furiously for the second time. "No..."

"That's ‘no, _thank you_ ’."

"No. No, I mean _not_ no. I mean..."

" _Not no_?" he echoed.

"I mean..."

She gestured helplessly. For once in her life, words completely failed her.

"What _do_ you mean?" he said in exasperation.

She put her hands on her hips. "I mean...yes. Please. Thank you."

Tommy eyed her with suspicion. Michelle eyed him back just as warily.

“I _said_ please,” she muttered.

“I heard you. I’m just still trying to figure you out. So...let me make sure I’ve got this straight...does that mean you’d like to go out sometime?”

Michelle lowered her eyes for a moment and stood staring at her hands. Shyness was such an unfamiliar sensation to her that it took several seconds of puzzled analysis before she was able to identify it.

Then she raised her head and squared her shoulders. More than a little unsure of the response he was about to get, Tommy braced himself.

“Yes, Tommy Joe,” she said with great dignity. “I’d like that.”

  
* * * *

  
_One Month Later_   
_Los Angeles, California ~ Stockholm, Sweden_

  
“I’d forgotten how much I hate this,” Gus said gloomily.

"Hate what?"

"Me lying in bed in one country and you lying in bed in another country. Except this is worse...now we're not even on the same continent."

“Look at it this way…at least you’re in _our_ bed this time. I wasn’t sure you’d still be awake.”

“You didn’t catch me by much. I figured you would have been asleep hours ago. Isn’t it the middle of the night there?”

“Nearly morning. It was a very long session tonight.”

The transatlantic line was so clear that the hoarseness in his voice was unmistakable.

"You sound like you should be resting your throat."

"Relax, I’m fine. They don't need me much tomorrow. Why, do you have something better to do than talk to me?"

"Don't be funny. Although I’m only halfway through the pile work I brought home. I wish I'd never said that I didn't know much about cancer. Every time I turn around, somebody at the office hands me another research study to read."

"Tommy says everybody thinks you’re great. And at least I know you’ve got something to do that might keep you out of trouble. Which reminds me…did you have an appointment today?"

"Yes, dear. Dr. Doolittle and I had a nice warm, fuzzy little heart-to-heart."

"I wish you wouldn’t call him that."

"Adam, the man has six cats in his office. Don't get me wrong. I like cats. And yes, he works out of his house and I know he’s just trying to create a nice, non-threatening little environment for all the crazy people. But _six_? In a psychiatrist’s office? I even suggested to him that maybe that many cats might be an indication of just a hint of obsessive-compulsive behavior."

Adam winced. "Ouch. And he said?"

"He said I was avoiding the issues. Well…actually…he tells me that a lot."

"So? It sounds like he just won't let you get away with anything. That's what he gets paid for."

“Well, at least I know why he gets paid so _much_. He must have a kitty litter budget like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Does it matter?” he asked gently. “As long as he’s helping you?”

Gus sighed. “No. I suppose not. Although I still can’t figure out how coming out of his office ready to scream is supposed to be helping me.”

There was a pause. “I wish I could be there for you. I know it must be tough.”

“You don’t need to go getting all guilty on me. According to Dr. Doolittle, I’ve got enough guilt in me for the both of us. Besides, I’m supposed to do this by myself, which is why he keeps insisting that I shouldn’t be flying over to see you. I’ve told him I think that opinion sucks too.”

“Yeah, I’d agree with that,” he said heavily. “But if that’s what you need right now…”

“And you’re busy. Probably don’t need me hanging around, being a distraction…”

“You’re not a distraction.”

“Oh, yes I am,” he said with great certainty. “Believe me…if I were there, I’d be distracting the hell out of you.”

“That would be nice right about now.”

Gus grinned. “Would it?”

“You get pretty wound up being locked in a studio all day. I could use some help winding down.”

“With all those girls hanging around the hotel?” he teased. “I’m sure one of them would volunteer to help you out.”

“Now who’s being funny?”

“I’ve seen the pictures online. You are telling me nobody tried to get a little too friendly with you?”

“A few.”

“That’s what I thought. ”

“I tell everybody I’m taken,” he said with self-righteous indignation.

“Oh and I bet that goes over well. In case I’ve never mentioned it, I take more shit and abuse for being your boyfriend than I ever did for being a cop.”

“Yeah, well…you have to admit that the fringe benefits are better with me.”

“That’s true.”

“Better hours...”

“Uh huh.”

“Nicer weather…”

“Good point.”

“You don’t have to wear the funny looking uniform…”

“ _Funny looking_? Oh excuse me…I think I feel a The Pirates of Penzance joke coming on…”

“All right, all right. I’m just reminding you that there are some benefits to being my boyfriend.”

Gus snorted. “Yeah, well, there’s one major benefit that I’m missing out on right now and to be honest, I’m starting to get a little cranky without it.”

“I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get home.”

“Damn straight you will. Plan on being locked up in the house for several days. I don’t care what you’ve got scheduled.”

“Relax. I’ll have some time off. Actually, I was thinking maybe we could sneak away for a little while.”

“Ahhh…” he said, intrigued. “I like when you do this. Is this going to be another one of your surprises?”

“No. I thought I’d better tell you ahead of time.”

“Why’s that?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Adam said with a sigh. “I guess so you can worry about it and get yourself all worked up.”

He could almost hear the wheels turning in Gus’ head. “Worked up…? About what?”

“I thought maybe we’d go see my family and friends for a few days.”

“Oh.”

“I knew it. You’re worrying already.”

“Mothers hate me, Adam. They always have.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about mine.”

“No? She must already think there’s something wrong with me or she would have met me by now.”

“No, she actually thinks there’s something wrong with _me_. But it’s okay. It gives her the opportunity to drag out the ‘I raised you better than that’ speech.” More gently, he added, “She knows what you’ve been going through and that you didn’t need any more stress right now…”

“See? _See_? Even _she_ knows I’m going to be stressed out about it!”

“…but I think it’s time. Besides, I want to show you off. “

“I vote we send a video instead.”

“Sorry. You’ve been outvoted.”

Gus blinked. “How can I be outvoted? Since when do you get more votes than me?”

“I don’t. You just didn’t cast your ballot before the poll closed.”

To forestall further arguments, he added quietly, “I want everybody to meet you, Gus. I want to get all the important things in my life together.”

“You’re going to regret saying that if they don’t like me.” Gus heard Adam’s low, exasperated growl, and said hastily, “Okay. We’ll do it. I’m sorry for sounding like an idiot. It’s Dr. Doolittle’s fault…he’s the one who keeps bringing up all my insecurities. There _are_ some advantages to being emotionally suppressed, you know.”

“Well, I like it when you’re more honest with yourself. If that means you’re going to be a bit oversensitive for a while, that’s fine with me. You’ll feel better in the long run.”

“Don’t feel very damn good right now,” Gus said glumly. “And I’m only going on one condition. I want twenty-four hours alone with you when you get back…before we go anywhere.”

“You could probably convince me to do that.”

“Good. Because since you’re helping to drag up all this emotion I’ve been holding in, it’s going to take me at least twenty four hours to show you just exactly how much I love you and how much I’m missing you right now.”

There was a pause before Adam said slowly, “Only if I get my fair share of time too. I have a few things I want to show you myself.”

Gus laughed softly. “All right. We can take turns.”

“I get to go first.”

“That’s hardly fair. Whatever happened to being a gentleman?”

Adam’s voice deepened a little. “Why? You’re planning on being a gentleman as well?”

Gus sucked his breath in sharply. “I…I…”

“I hope not. I’m hoping for something a little more adventurous.” Adam let the suggestion hang for a moment and then he whispered, “You’re breathing awfully hard all of a sudden.”

“Probably something to do with the mental picture I just got,” Gus said faintly, fanning himself.

“So? Don’t keep it to yourself. Tell me about it.”

Gus squeezed his eyes shut and slid down deeper under the covers. “I hate when you do that to me.”

“Liar. You love it.”

“In person, I love it. Long distance, I hate it. Come on, Adam, I won’t see you for at least another two weeks. Don’t tease me.”

“You started it! You can’t just tell me that you want to lock me up for twenty-four hours and not expect a comeback. So tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“No,” Gus said obstinately. “I’ll be awake all night and I need my sleep. And so do you.”

“You don’t sound too sleepy.”

Despite himself, Gus smiled. “And whose fault is that? Look, if you want to make yourself useful, think of something quiet and soothing to talk about and get me all relaxed.”

Adam thought about that for a minute. “I can sing a pretty mean lullaby.”

“Lullaby?”

“Ask Brian.”

“Oh, sure. How come he gets lullabies and I don’t?”

“Because I usually have other ways of getting you all relaxed and sleepy,” Adam pointed out wryly. “Now, are you interested or not?”

Gus was suddenly self-conscious and touched in a way he couldn’t explain. “But you’ve been recording all day...”

“Then one more song isn’t exactly going to make a difference, is it?” Adam said very gently.

“No,” Gus whispered.

“So turn the light off...put your head down...close your eyes...”

Gus was too mesmerized to protest any further. But as he reached to extinguish the lamp, his eyes were suddenly drawn to the framed picture of himself and Adam that they kept on their bedside table.

The photograph never failed to make his heart quicken. There was no way to tell that it had been taken in the early, tentative days of their relationship, before their feelings for each other had been tested so severely. To anyone who cared to look at the way they stood together, faces almost touching and their gazes lingering on one another, there were already all the signs of two people who were beginning to fall in love.

He kissed a fingertip and touched it to the frame. Switching off the light, he snuggled into a little ball beneath the covers and, as had become his habit while Adam was away, he took Adam’s pillow and hugged it close to his chest where he could lay his cheek against it and breathe in faint traces of Adam’s scent.

This particular separation from him had been the most painful and difficult for Gus to bear, coming at a time in his life when he was only beginning the fragile process of healing and when loneliness and fear still sometimes threatened to overwhelm him. He missed Adam’s touch and his comforting presence and all the unwavering warmth and love that Adam had brought into his world.

But with his eyes closed, with the phone tucked into the curve of his shoulder and Adam’s deep, warm voice in his ear, it was easy to imagine that the thousands of miles between them didn’t exist and that Adam was laying close beside him and gently holding him in the darkness.

And softly singing him to sleep.

 

 


End file.
